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Original poster

In my shoes what would you do?

130 replies

Alittlelife · 23/03/2017 21:44

In a relationship for 3.5 years. I've never been married before or had children. He was married and has 3 DC. Youngest is 8. I'm 36.

We get on so well, maybe 2 disagreements in the time we've been together. I'm happy, he's happy. We rent together but have the money to buy when we're ready. We've lived together for over a year and a half.

His ex is lovely, they get on well, we get on well, no issues with seeing the DC or maintenance. In fact she encourages me to come along to school things and angles for extra tickets for plays so I can come.

Here's the kicker. I want to be married. I would like a child of my own. DP knows this, we've discussed it quite a few times and he is supportive, understands I want a child and a marriage, but then nothing happens. I dont want to ask him, I know it's ridiculous but I would love the traditional wedding and engagement. He says it will happen. He doesn't like being pushed into things. And also I don't want to issue an ultimatum that he has to ask before x date. I don't want a forced engagement.

And now I have this fear creeping in that I'm getting older. What if it doesn't happen between us. Do I have time on my side to find someone else to love and marry and have a baby with. And the older his youngest gets the more I think he's not going to want to go through all the baby stuff again.

Thoughts, ramblings, any advice?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 24/03/2017 19:19

he's been there done that and got the t shirt doesn't mean he should get slated

It's his inability to have been honest about this with the OP that's the issue, not his desire not to have more children and get married.

Ragwort · 24/03/2017 19:52

His ex is lovely, they get on well - I would ask yourself bluntly why you want to marry a man who has already had three children, and left a marriage - what makes you feel he will make such a wonderful husband and father to any children you might have together?

I know that sounds harsh, but I could not imagine wanting to have a child with someone who, for whatever reason, has left a marriage and three children.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 24/03/2017 19:53

Nothing's changed OP. You need to pin him down or go. You're going to be waiting a long time for this engagement off his own back.

Oysterbabe · 24/03/2017 20:08

I know that sounds harsh, but I could not imagine wanting to have a child with someone who, for whatever reason, has left a marriage and three children.

Maybe his wife left him?

shineon · 24/03/2017 20:46

Oh op I want to shake you! As everyone else has said your fertility has started out the door already. If you really want a child you are in trouble. Forget the whole marriage thing you can do that any time. I was 27 when I started ttc & 3 years & thousands of pounds in IVF later I got lucky. Had I been your age my odds were way lower even with IVF. Honestly this man doesn't want more kids & he is preventing you from being a mother. Run run run. If I was you I would go to a clinic & go the donor route. You have the rest of your life to meet someone & get married. The having kids thing is such a small window & its closing

Werkzallhourz · 24/03/2017 21:20

Op, you need to have the serious talk with him and be prepared to walk away. Ive known too many women caught in the late 30s trap where a partner has put them off for years, only for the relationship to break up and leave them with a biological clock ticking at 20 mins to midnight.

You have options. A friend of mine found herself at 40 without a partner and wanting a child so she used donor sperm. She "did it herself", as she puts it, and now has a ten year old she adores.

Original poster
Alittlelife · 24/03/2017 21:31

I'm taking what you are all saying on board

I'm away for the weekend now. Monday I will ask him again and pin him down to a date

No his wife didn't leave him he had an affair. I know how that sounds Sad not with me obviously!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 24/03/2017 21:35

He doesn't want kids because it changed his relationship with his ex-wife. He didn't like that change so he had an affair. You'd be a fool not to see what the result of having kids with this man will likely be...

Every time you're too tired to have sex after giving birth, you'll be looking over your shoulder...

expatinscotland · 24/03/2017 21:37

Oh, jeezus wept, After!! He's a selfish twat. He may also have had a vasectomy and then TTC with you and 'Aw, it doesn't work' and you blow another year on a person who's a selfish twat.

You know that sounds 'Sad' but you are still willing to waste time trying to get this man with 10 tons of baggage to procreate even more.

SuperFlyHigh · 24/03/2017 21:41

OK, i know someone who was in his late 30s when he met his now DP. He'd been a single father for many years to 3 girls since the youngest was 18 months (they're now 9, 12 and 14) and him and his then partner separated.

His now DP was in her early 20s when they met now mid 20s and she obviously wanted a child, it helped she has her own career, they made the decision jointly to have a baby boy and he's now almost 3.

I think your DP would have had made decisions or gone ahead with marriage or having a child before now if he was serious it'd be with you so I'd end this now and find another man.

SuperFlyHigh · 24/03/2017 21:44

Oh dear, I met a man a few years ago (he had a teenager and was separated from the mother) who said that having a child would change our relationship and that babies were hard work (he had originally been on board with having a baby with me).

I ditched him. Your DP is quite happy with the way things are and he won't change!

expatinscotland · 24/03/2017 21:47

I'm in the position of being a mother of 3 in my mid40s. And although I am happily married, I have plenty of similar friends whose husband ditched them for OW. Then split with her, then find another partner like you, mid-30s, no kids. All of the ex-w's think, 'He finally found someone stupid enough to put up with his BS.' They don't say that to your face, but among their friends.

Get some respect for yourself, too!

I was 31 when I met my DH. If I had met a man with this guy's history, I'd have run a mile. He'd have had zero chance of dating me because I didn't want anyone with so much baggage at that age.

SuperFlyHigh · 24/03/2017 21:52

expat I think the fact the man had an affair makes me think of a red flag.

My friend who is a single sole dad of 3 DC certainly doesn't have baggage but any woman willing to take him on had to realise he'd been a single dad for about 7 years by then.

He is also managing fine with 1 teenager, 1 almost teenager and a 9 year old all girls!

Ragwort · 24/03/2017 21:53

No his wife didn't leave him he had an affair. I know how that sounds.

This just gets worse and worse, have you no self respect?

Just leave him. Now.

Surely it's better to be on your own than with this waste of space man? What honestly attracts you to a man who has three children, has an affair and breaks up his marriage - yes, he sounds a great catch Hmm - be grateful he doesn't want to marry you and have more children with you.

expatinscotland · 24/03/2017 21:54

Good on him, Super, but when I was single and childfree, I'd consider a man with 3 kids as too much baggage. I did not want to be a stepmother and immediately dropped any man with kids.

floraeasy · 24/03/2017 21:56

Iflyaway

But either way you will end up with a guy who wants to marry you

What a ridiculous thing to post

Hark at you! Hmm

What's the problem then? Maybe you missed the bit where the poster says "I want to be married". I believe if she wants to be married she WILL find someone to marry her. Why not?

OP also wants a baby. Is it okay if I encourage her to go for it? Or is it just marriage that's the fairy tale here?

Still believe in "and they lived happily ever after" fairy stories?

What an odd thing to say yourself! Do you post comments like this on wedding threads and christening threads?

I've had my fair share of problems but would never presume to pour cold water on anyone else's hopes for marriage or children.

SuperFlyHigh · 24/03/2017 21:58

expat don't worry i totally get you, he didn't want to have a relationship for years or I think women were put off too.

I was just pointing out that every situation is different.

floraeasy · 24/03/2017 21:59

Here's the kicker. I want to be married. I would like a child of my own

You can go for both these things, OP.

These things happen in reality as well as fairy tales. The only fairy tale I see her is your partner spinning you yarns. I think you need to lay your cards on the table with him and soon.

seven201 · 24/03/2017 22:00

I went down the ultimatum route after 8 years of 'discussions'. It was only when he still couldn't decide and I told him to pack his bags that he finally agreed. We had a lovely wedding, been happily married for 3 years and have a gorgeous baby who doesn't sleep dd.

SuperFlyHigh · 24/03/2017 22:00

Ragwort I wonder when this charming man told the OP about his affair, before they got together/serious or later on?

I'd run a mile hearing about the affair and leaving the wife and kids.

As someone else said, no wonder the wife is happy and pleasant, she must be thanking her lucky stars she's got rid of her ex-DH!

BridgetDarcy · 24/03/2017 22:15

I waited 6 years for my proposal - I'm 36. He didn't get the biological clock concerns. He felt like we had all the time in the world, too.

I wasn't going to let the same happen with a baby. I raised it on honeymoon and kept raising it until I knew when we could start ttc. This was 6 months later.

I realised I didn't have 6 years to wait to start ttc so was pushier- he needed that. I wasn't pushy enough about the wedding. (I wanted to be married before having a baby.)

He wanted to get married and have a baby but stressed about when and how etc etc. This led to it being put off for years. I should have been firmer sooner.

I wouldn't give up on him - it sounds like he is a bit like my DH. Men often need things spelling out. Mine did.

expatinscotland · 24/03/2017 22:21

'I wouldn't give up on him - it sounds like he is a bit like my DH. Men often need things spelling out. Mine did.'

Men are not dogs. They're adults. They don't FA 'spelling out'. She already did and all he did was throw her a tidbit that it was all 'something to think about'. He knows damn well what she wants. He has 3 kids and ditched his first wife for a piece of arse, he's hardly the catch of the century.

Wingsofdesire · 24/03/2017 22:39

He knows damn well what she wants.

yep.

BottleBeach · 25/03/2017 09:23

SmokyMountains' post at 08.51 is excellent OP. Life does not always work out the way we would like. Which not-the-way-you-wanted-it option is worse: feeling that you had to pressure your DP, or never having a child?

I totally get why you want him to be the one to ask you, but if you think about it logically, why does asking him mean that you are putting pressure on him? If he did ask you, you wouldn't feel pressured, would you? You'd feel pleased and excited! If he wouldn't feel the same way, do you really want to be married to him?

Come to that, do you really want to be married, to spend the rest of your life with, someone you feel you have to pull back from showing honestly how you are feeling?

Flyingbellycopters · 25/03/2017 10:05

Sit down with him tonighT and say you want to start trying for a baby together. If he says in theory he wants this with you it will not come as a surprise and hopefully he will be delighted. If not and he really doesn't want any more kids - or is worried a child with you means less time with three he has, then you're better knowing now.
Presumably as well he knows how bloody hard it is to have kids and how it can ruin a relationship if couple don't address things - if thats what happened with his ex - and worries it might happen with you.

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