In my shoes what would you do?

[Alittlelife]

In a relationship for 3.5 years. I've never been married before or had children. He was married and has 3 DC. Youngest is 8. I'm 36.

We get on so well, maybe 2 disagreements in the time we've been together. I'm happy, he's happy. We rent together but have the money to buy when we're ready. We've lived together for over a year and a half.

His ex is lovely, they get on well, we get on well, no issues with seeing the DC or maintenance. In fact she encourages me to come along to school things and angles for extra tickets for plays so I can come.

Here's the kicker. I want to be married. I would like a child of my own. DP knows this, we've discussed it quite a few times and he is supportive, understands I want a child and a marriage, but then nothing happens. I dont want to ask him, I know it's ridiculous but I would love the traditional wedding and engagement. He says it will happen. He doesn't like being pushed into things. And also I don't want to issue an ultimatum that he has to ask before x date. I don't want a forced engagement.

And now I have this fear creeping in that I'm getting older. What if it doesn't happen between us. Do I have time on my side to find someone else to love and marry and have a baby with. And the older his youngest gets the more I think he's not going to want to go through all the baby stuff again.

Thoughts, ramblings, any advice?

[MissGoggins]

I think you've only had two disagreements in the time you've been together because you are unwilling to disagree with him.

You also asked what if you don't find someone else? What if you do and that is the love of your life and the father of your child?

Sounds like him having children was the demise of his first relationship, I think it's quite disrespectful that he waited until last night to give you that little nugget of his fear - before they're just saying "yes, in awhile dear."

I've no advice just musings. Food for thought.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I suspect that the real reason his ex and him broke up because she changed after having kids is because he was no longer no.1. I wouldn't put it past him that he has half an eye on getting back with her (she might have other ideas) when the youngest has left home

[magoria]

So did you get engaged?

If not then not one single thing has changed.

You have to wait for him to marry you before trying for a child one day

I think his actions are really telling you all you need to know.

[magoria]

*ask you to marry him that should be

[UmuLuxury]

The PP who pointed out that it seems like he sees TTC as less of a commitment than marriage is v right. Don't you think that's a bit odd? I'm happy to have a baby with you but not happy to be married to you just yet??

[expatinscotland]

And on some level, examine your own feelings. Do you really want children? Because inaction is action, no decision is still a decision. Waiting round when you know your time is running out and it's clear this person doesn't want any more kids, it's also saying something, however subconsciously.

[Peanutbutterrules]

I'm sorry OP but he is just continuing to string you along.

If you want children you need to end this relationship now. He doesn't seem to want to commit to you. It's all perfect as it is. Which would be fine, if you were happy with things too.

How will you feel if he ends it in a couple of years' time?

I was 40 when I met DH, he had two kids. My position was very clear - if you want me to live a family life, then then I get the option of having my own kids. If you aren't prepared to try, then what you are telling me is that I get to be a step mother, but not a mother. You get to be a Dad, but are taking the option away from me of being a Mum. That's not a fair deal and if you won't treat me fairly then we are done.

DH was scared after the break up of his first marriage too...that's reasonable. Your answer is 'yes things will change, but don't treat me like your ex - don't expect me to behave like her'. If the issue is you don't like/want full time family life then you need to tell me now and be honest.

Clear, honest communication with agreed timelines is what's needed. DH was the same - dithered. Once he had a clear deadline from me it actually made it easier for him to deal with. For me, I didn't care about being married, I cared about trying for a child.

DD is nearly 13 now....DH proposed when I was about 6 months pregnant (I was completely shocked by proposal).

Either way you need clarity. You will grow to resent him, and the step kids, if you just let it drag on forever.

[MickeyRooney]

I'd bin him.
He's has it lovely and handy for quite a while now, so he's done well.
What did you get out of all this?

Please - see the reality of his selfishness, dump him and move on.

[FinallyHere]

Why would you compromise on having a baby without getting married?

I don't mean because you would be missing out on a big day and a white dress, but you would be putting yourself in a very vulnerable position, especially if you have to give up work and your independence to look after the baby. Once the baby is here, you will have no leverage to encourage him to get married and you will be even less like to leave him once you have his baby.

If you really want a baby, i don't see he is the right partner to support you, he has told you that he is happy as he is. Believe him. Sorry.

[TheOnlyColditz]

Telling you he likes the way things are now, and expressing concern that a baby would change that, means you aren't getting a baby out of him.

Do not be surprised if he quietly has a vasectomy

[deadringer]

Its hard to believe thats its 2017 and there are women still waiting around for a man to decide their future for them. Tell him out straight that you want marriage and kids and if he doesn't want the same you will find someone who does. If he doesn't want what you want he is not the one.

[RatherBeRiding]

Oh dear. He's got you exactly where he wants, hasn't he? He's got a nice life with you, no commitments, and is making it pretty clear that that's just fine with him. "Thinking about it", "one day", - or in other words "stringing you along".

You have choices. Do nothing - and he will do nothing. Give it a few years and your fertility may be beyond saving.

Or you could stop the pussy-footing around and stop accepting his vague tentative answers and tell him that this is what you want. Marriage - now. Baby - now. Yes or no. If he gives you the "one day" "I'll think about it" crap then say that's not good enough - you obviously want different things from this relationship, and leave.

You may lose the relationship this way. But you'll lose it anyway if you don't set out your stall because he will procrastinate and procrastinate until it's too late and you're staring the menopause in the face.

I'd want to know one way or another, but you need to be prepared to walk.

[expatinscotland]

When I was much younger than you, I was married happily. However, my clock started ticking in my ear. I spoke to my now xh about it. He dithered. I left it a bit (I was in my 20s and had time). Then I laid it on the line as my 30th birthday approached, 'Do you want kids? Because I do.' He did not. We tried counselling, but ultimately, because he loved me, he felt it was unfair and cruel to try to persuade me to come round to his point of view. Because I loved him, I felt it was equally unfair to bring a child into the world that he did not want. So we divorced. We moved on. I remarried and had 3 children. He remarried and divorced, but never had any children.

Do you see the difference, OP? Because it should be hitting you between the eyes right now. This person does not love you because if he did, he would respect you, enough to say, 'I'm not the right person for you because I don't want to remarry or have any more children.' And let you go.

Instead he strings you along. Because this is all suiting him. Do you not see how selfish this is?

[Deadsouls]

If this is a dealbreaker, you'll have to be the one to force the issue. It sounds as though this vagueness of his, 'one day', could go on and on unless you confront the issue and your fears that it may not go the way you want it to. I think, easy to say, you need to be prepared to walk away. At 36, I think you recognise that you don't have years left to meet someone, conceive etc. If this is what you really want then you need to take responsibility for it. It sounds like your DP is happy to string you along for who knows how long.

[floraeasy]

PP are right, OP.

Don't wait for this man to love you enough to see you free. He won't so long as you are serving his needs.

Set yourself free!

[BeanSprout79]

Don't wait too long as you don't know how long it may take you to conceive, it took me 4.5 years and I'm 38 now!!

[AstrantiaMajor]

Do you think he is telling you the truth about marriage and children? Or is he leaving the door open for an escape route? No marriage, no mortgage, means he can walk very easily if things don't suit.

He has a very cosy life at present as a Part time dad with lots of free time. think I would try to put yourself in his shoes. What will he gain from marriage? Another 2O odd years of child rearing and financial commitments. A father of 4/5 is a lot more expensive than a father of 3.

[SandyY2K]

engagements are fairly meaningless imho they are not a binding commitment

This exactly ^^^

He's thrown a pacifier your way, so you stop mentioning it.

I don't see this ending in marriage.

What I see is you bending over backwards to satisfy him, if /when you have kids to show him and prove you are still the same and him getting away with doing the bare minimum.

You'll find this very stressful and crack under the pressure of it.

[opticaltrixie]

Do not be surprised if he quietly has a vasectomy

This may already have happened.

[Semaphorically]

He doesn't want your relationship to change as a result of having kids but he is willing to TTC? He sounds confused.

[Iflyaway]

But either way you will end up with a guy who wants to marry you.

What a ridiculous thing to post.

Still believe in "and they lived happily ever after" fairy stories?

[QuiteLikely5]

The guy is clearly happy with the way things are - he's been there done that and got the t shirt doesn't mean he should get slated!

The guy probably loves you and doesn't want things to change.

Marriage and kids are no picnic so I can understand why given this would be second time for him

[AnyFucker]

You ate wasting both your time and your fertility

You will get to 46 and realise you threw away your chance to have a child for a man who treated you like your needs don't matter

[SandyY2K]

He's been less than honest with you, because he knew he wasn't keen to have kids in the but kept saying (when you brought it up), that he would want marriage and kids one day.

In reality that wasn't the case. It's almost the perfect situation for some divorced couples. They have a new relationship and can arrange outings easily, as they know the other parent is having their visitation. No worry about babysitter costs. They easily go on couples holidays and for a percentage of the time and they're child free.

I say it because my DB has this life and wasn't keen on having DC with his new wife. (she wanted children). He was prepared to have one for her sake, but nature didn't allow it unfortunately.

He didn't want to be an old dad picking his kids up or being too old to play with them. Although 35 isn't old to be a dad in the case of your DP.

[expatinscotland]

'The guy is clearly happy with the way things are - he's been there done that and got the t shirt doesn't mean he should get slated!

The guy probably loves you and doesn't want things to change. '

When you love someone, you respect their needs. He is deliberately stringing her along. That's not nice. That's shit behaviour. Of course, people can only be strung along if they allow it.