In my shoes what would you do?

[Alittlelife]

In a relationship for 3.5 years. I've never been married before or had children. He was married and has 3 DC. Youngest is 8. I'm 36.

We get on so well, maybe 2 disagreements in the time we've been together. I'm happy, he's happy. We rent together but have the money to buy when we're ready. We've lived together for over a year and a half.

His ex is lovely, they get on well, we get on well, no issues with seeing the DC or maintenance. In fact she encourages me to come along to school things and angles for extra tickets for plays so I can come.

Here's the kicker. I want to be married. I would like a child of my own. DP knows this, we've discussed it quite a few times and he is supportive, understands I want a child and a marriage, but then nothing happens. I dont want to ask him, I know it's ridiculous but I would love the traditional wedding and engagement. He says it will happen. He doesn't like being pushed into things. And also I don't want to issue an ultimatum that he has to ask before x date. I don't want a forced engagement.

And now I have this fear creeping in that I'm getting older. What if it doesn't happen between us. Do I have time on my side to find someone else to love and marry and have a baby with. And the older his youngest gets the more I think he's not going to want to go through all the baby stuff again.

Thoughts, ramblings, any advice?

I would never issue an ultimatum in this situation. I would set a period of time in your own mind and see if he proposes.

If not, then you need to seriously consider if you will be happy in the relationship without children or marriage.

He's not stupid. He knows you have a biological clock. I often find people who have had one failed marriage aren't that quick to get married again.

I would certainly refrain from mentioning marriage to him again, while you see if he broaches the subject himself.

If he doesn't, then this may not be a relationship that you'll get what you want out of. Don't waste another 3 years and still be hoping.

In your situation, my time frame would be the end of the year.

You are probably attached to his children and the thing is, that if your relationship breaks down, you'll probably never see them again. And you'll be left with nothing.

In my (limited) experience men rarely get around to anything discussed if it involves effort, unless encouraged vigorously /it directly benefits them/ you start the process yourself. This goes double if they are happy with the current situation as it is, and therefore don't want anything to change (ie anything they might have to put effort into).
I think if you wait for him to get round to proposing etc you will be waiting well past your perceived time frame for having your own kids. If he's not aware of your clock ticking he will continue on as he is now, as he sounds very comfortable with the current set up, for reasons pp have given. You need to let him know how you feel, or may become resentful the longer you wait....

You need to spell it out, you don't have time to waste.

I don't understand why you don't just ask him to marry you?

If you don't want to ask him to marry you then don't. But have you told him, specifically, "I want you to ask me to marry you, and then I want us to get married very soon and have children together, before it's too late for me. How does that sound to you?" Because from what you've said here you've only talked about it in general terms, not specific ones.

No don't ask him to ask you to marry him. Don't force the issue, he'll do it if he's happy to.

I put pressure on my boyfriend years ago, and now feel we only got married because I forced it. (Not together now).

Don't issue ultimatums but you do need to express that you need to have children now and maybe you should go your separate ways. You'll have your answer then.

Frank talking required. You need to know exactly where you stand. Once you do you can make a decision. It's not hassling him you have an absolute right to know what's what.

I'm with Joysmum,just bloody ask him. It's not 1890.

If he says no, you'll know where you stand & if he says yes, well done. Life doesn't need to be complicated

It's not forcing his hand. If a man proposes to a woman, is he forcing her hand ?

I agree with those who say he has a problem with commmitmemt. You dated for two years before you moved in together. You have now rented for 18 months even though you can afford to buy.

TBH if he doesn't know if he wants to marry you after 3.5 years , he's never going to know. What's going to happen to change his mind in the next year ? Either he wants to marry you and havemore kids or he doesn't .

I disgree with the people who say " just wait" . It's been 3.5 years and you are 36 , you can't afford to wait any longer.

My guess is that he doesn't want either married or kids with you and he's just stringing you along. His plan is to keep deferring, then get engaged but not set a date for a wedding. He can easily keep that going until you are 40 , then turn round and say

" My youngest is in high school and I can't face starting all over again. Why do you want kids when you have your lovely step kids , don't you love them ? "

Or " I can't really afford to support four children "

It's not forcing his hand. If a man proposes to a woman, is he forcing her hand?

Exactly!

If I was sure I wanted to marry someone "one day", and we'd been together years, and they wanted to progress things now, I'd do it now. Why wouldn't you? Unless you had doubts. And if he has doubts then you would be best to go your separate ways now, otherwise you're just prolonging the agony and continuing to hang on and hope he might come round one day will absolutely destroy your mental health. And that's not an exaggeration.

Sorry but you need to start ttc right now. At 36 it is already too late for lots of women. Regardless of the marriage you need to sort out his feelings about another baby. I'd have that conversation rather than the marriage one if i were you. If it goes well then you can ask him to marry you too.

Is marriage that important to you? At 36 I'd want to start trying for a baby asap. Maybe tell him you want to stop using contraception and see what happens. His reaction to that will tell you what you need to know

You really can't afford to hang around, you're running out of time. Don't give up your dreams of a family because you don't want to rock the boat. Talk to him and make him understand that definite plans need to be put in place now or you'll have to leave.

OP you sound like you are in kind of a fog of expectations and it is stopping you seeing the wood for the trees here.

Tell him you want to marry in 3 months and TTC straight afterwards. He''ll either agree, fuck off or try and placate you and string you along a bit more (and you'll need to leave and not look back)

Yes, you WILL always have the feeling that he didn't propose naturally to you and you had to push him forward and that isn't the way you wanted it to happen, and you'll never get to have it happen in the spontaneous way you wanted.....

That's how life is. Expectations fuck everything up.

Not having the spontaneous proposal and spontaneously deciding to conceive is the first of very many expectations about having children that you are going to have to deal with.

Many women (me included) have a set idea of how they want childbirth to go.....often it goes another way entirely that they didn't want at all and they have to cope with the fact that their expectations of birth haven't been met and will never be met......

Many women (me included) have an expectation of how life at home with a new baby will be....so for example I expected DH to be at home with me for a couple of weeks nesting away, walks in the park with the pram, registering the birth and have a nice celebratory lunch together as a family etc...in reality DH's mum had a stroke the day I had DS and DH had to spend most of the next week visiting intensive care. And i'll never have that peaceful family time with a new baby. But that's the way it is.

Women have these expectations about making friends with other mums at baby groups, about a second child and then can't conceive., about their careers after children that don't work out due to issues with childcare etc. I'm sure you get the point....don't let wanting it to be perfect take the chance to have a family away from you....

Speaking as someone who started TTC at 36, I wish someone would have given me a stiff talking to. I thought if you TTC in your late 30's, you had plenty of time.

The reality is, If you have no fertility problems, then you still have plenty of time. But 1 in 7 couples have fertility problems, and you don't know if you are one of them until you start TTC. And if you do, tests take time, treatment takes time, false starts take time, and you are getting older by the day and the success rates are declining every day that goes by and its a very tough position to be in.

Of my group of 5 friends, all of whom started late, 3 had no issues whatsoever, one couldn't get PG, had 5 rounds of IVF and is childless, and I had 5 pregnancy losses over 4 years before having DS in the absolute nick of time.

I was very, very, luck to have DS after making some stupid choices in my 30's based on some longheld but ultimately dangerous ideas of how I wanted life to be

I would hazard a guess he does absolutely understand fertility. Unless he's a complete idiot he knows time is not on your side.

If he's not doing anything about it then that's your answer, he doesn't want the same as you. It could be another child he doesn't want or want right now .

you have had the discussion, he knows what you want, he is as yet unwilling to provide it, so the ball is now in your court. Either accept it may never happen or move on. 💐

But i could leave and then not meet anybody else.

That's a really really bad reason for anyone to stay in any relationship.

It's all well and good that he understands you want marriage and a family, but he needs to act on this.

I agree with kr1srina 3.5 years is more than enough time for him to know whether he wants to marry you and have children with you. If he doesn't know now, what's going to happen to change his mind in the next 1, 2 or 5 years?

I also disagree with the people who say "just wait". 3.5 years together is long enough for him to know. Time is not on your side for just waiting.

You ask "do I have time on my side to find someone else to love and marry and have a baby with"? No one can answer this with certainty, but you're more likely to have time for this now, than if you hang around for another 3.5 years, realise it's not going to happen and leave then.

I'm another one who thinks he has a problem with commitment and is stringing you along. He can easily keep deferring, in the way kr1stina suggests.

I think you need to decide whether your priority is being with him or marriage and your own children. If it's the latter then I think you need to leave. You say you had a frank discussion about 4 months ago, so he's presumably been aware of your thoughts for some time before this, he's had plenty of time to do something about it and for whatever reason has chosen not to. "One day" is no kind of promise and you don't have time to waste your remaining fertile years waiting for "one day" which may never happen.

If children are important to you then you really need clarity on this issue.

He has had a family and will not be the one left with no family if this doesn't work out.

I have two close friends, both in their fifties and both impacted by just this scenario. They wanted children, their partners dangled the 'one day' carrot and they realised too late that it just wasn't going to happen.

Neither are still with those partners and both feel that their lives were negatively impacted by the fact it took them so long to understand the real scenario.

Ask the questions, be specific about when you will start TTC and if you don't get the answers you need, then make your decision.

From what you have written I would imagine it is highly unlikely that he wants any more children or even to be married again; he's got three chidlren, the youngest is 8 - they will all be growing up and being teenagers soon (which is a lot of work ) - why would he really want to go back to the 'baby stage'.

He is probably trying to be kind by giving you the 'one day' answer.

If having children (biological) is more important to you than being with this man who is probably being less than completely honest with you then just leave, there is no point offering an 'ultimatum' - you have already made your views clear.

Neither of you is 'right' or 'wrong' - but your future plans are just not compatible .............please don't 'force' him into having a child with you. .

Do you want a child more than you want him, if you had to choose? Because if you have a full and frank conversation with him about a timeframe for marriage and kids that's going to be the subtext.

If he's not good at thinking about lead times you could draw him a diagram. Show average fertility (percentage chance of egg being viable at age x, for example) year by year, the NICE point at which a pregnancy becomes higher risk due to age (40), plus the lead time between proposal and TTC (considering that for many people the time from proposal to wedding can be well over a year if you want a big traditional wedding).

It might also be worthwhile to find out his views on paying privately for IVF if it comes to that. He needs to be realistic or he's being very unfair to you.

And yes, you could leave and then not meet anyone else.

But if you stay with him you are almost guaranteed not to meet anyone else.

And if you are still single at 40, you can look into donor insemmination or adoption . You don't even have these options now, you are completely trapped by " waiting " .

Ask him to accompany you to the GP and ask for tests to establish just what your fertility is and how long you have to play with. You will have to pay for this.

His reaction will tell you what you need to know. I agree that he probably has no real idea of this issues you could face in Ttc but if he cares and does want DC with you at some point he will engage with finding out some facts.

Good luck.

And as he has children you won't be entitled to any ivf on the NHS so would have to throw a fucktonne of money at it.