In my shoes what would you do?

[Alittlelife]

In a relationship for 3.5 years. I've never been married before or had children. He was married and has 3 DC. Youngest is 8. I'm 36.

We get on so well, maybe 2 disagreements in the time we've been together. I'm happy, he's happy. We rent together but have the money to buy when we're ready. We've lived together for over a year and a half.

His ex is lovely, they get on well, we get on well, no issues with seeing the DC or maintenance. In fact she encourages me to come along to school things and angles for extra tickets for plays so I can come.

Here's the kicker. I want to be married. I would like a child of my own. DP knows this, we've discussed it quite a few times and he is supportive, understands I want a child and a marriage, but then nothing happens. I dont want to ask him, I know it's ridiculous but I would love the traditional wedding and engagement. He says it will happen. He doesn't like being pushed into things. And also I don't want to issue an ultimatum that he has to ask before x date. I don't want a forced engagement.

And now I have this fear creeping in that I'm getting older. What if it doesn't happen between us. Do I have time on my side to find someone else to love and marry and have a baby with. And the older his youngest gets the more I think he's not going to want to go through all the baby stuff again.

Thoughts, ramblings, any advice?

[GoodDayToYou]

I think I would weigh up what's most important to me.
At 36, if having a child is absolutely, the most important thing for you in your life, you need to prioritise that now.
If having a wedding is the most important thing, then you've got time to wait.

[Gallavich]

Oh god this idea that if a woman actually asks her partner if he wants to get married or have a baby that she's forcing him! It's absurd. You have the right to have some agency in your life. This is such a ridiculous issue! You're whiling away your fertility waiting for a proposal. Just talk to him! It's your life and your future. If he wants a baby with you he has to commit to trying in the next year or so. If he doesn't want to do that then he doesn't.

[opticaltrixie]

You have told him you want marriage, If he wanted it too he would be asking. Sorry, OP.

[JellyBean31]

I really dislike the word ultimatum. If you lay out what you want, you are not giving him an ultimatum, you are giving him a choice. He can chose to say "well I don't want that".

I also agree with a previous poster who said, set a deadline in your head, that way he can't make out he feels pressured by a looming date.

Having a child is obviously the thing that is affected the longer things are left, so focus on that rather than getting married. he could propose next week but still not commit to starting a family with you and you'll be not much better off!

[MiMiMaguire]

Tell him you're tracking your ovulation & want to start trying next month, if he reacts adversely I'd think about starting fresh elsewhere, if he wants it to then what's the delay ? If he wants it then the time is now, you're not 26, I started ttc when I was 26 and was 30 when I gave birth, it's not always easy so best get cracking, don't let him waste your time, you don't want to look back with regret, it will only lead to resentmnent and the possible demise of your relationship anyway

[BipBippadotta]

I think if he's been clear he ultimately wants marriage and a baby, then there's nothing wrong in saying you feel the time is now to start trying. As you say, things are lovely between you, and with his ex, and with his DC - when things are working out nicely it can be scary to think about making changes. It may need some frank and open discussion about how things are going to change one way or another whether you have children now, or later, or never - and the longer things drift without some decisions, the more tension this creates for you, and the more insecure you feel in your relationship. There will be ways to make changes together, with the strengths you have as a couple and blended family already. He may need to be drawn out a bit, and given the opportunity to talk about any fears & reservations he may have.

[Alittlelife]

Big talk last night. And yes the overriding theme from him was that he likes how things are now. He's concerned at how different his relationship with the mother of his children was after they had kids, he doesn't want that to happen to us.

I laid out all the fertility facts and he was surprised at that. I'm very healthy and work out a lot, he seems to be operating on the belief that we won't have any problems having a baby.

He asked me if I would compromise and ttc whilst engaged. I said yes and he said ok that's something to think about.

So still a kind of vague thinking about it

[Oysterbabe]

Sounds like you're no further forward OP. When is this engagement likely to happen?

[averythinline]

thinking about it - fair enough for him but not for you....glad you had the frank conversation - his answer is he likes his life as it is now- this doesn't include you having children together ..... he is not going to want to say it though, as he likes his life as it is now......
if you say ok I'm stopping contraception next week then what is his response to that as that is potentially what you need to do at 36!

I don't know if there are fertility tests you can take am not a medic-that can evaluate your levels of eggs/hormones

but my gp referred me for ivf at 35 as had been trying for a couple of years and dh was tested ok..... however a neighbour had her first at 40 and second at 42 no problems so you really cant tell....but if you are sure you want your own children then you have to up the ante

[averythinline]

engagements are fairly meaningless imho they are not a binding commitment

• if you want to be married just get married ....start organising your wedding and ttc. I don't get the feeling though that that is what he wants so he may not be the right person for you at this time...
  

If your drive is for dc would you do it alone ? I would have done if I hadn't have met dh ....whether that was adoption or donor I hadn't quite worked out but I knew I wanted to have dc in my life - it was a conversation we had quite early in the relationship as there was no point in continuing otherwise ....

[Kr1stina]

So he doesn't want to have more children with you, in case your relationship changes ? ( which is will of course )

And he likes the way things are.

So why does he want to TTC while you are engaged ? That makes no sense at all. Except for they fact that get to control when you are engaged. And engagement alone means bugger all.

You need to listen to what he's telling you. He doesn't want kids with you. He prefers a child free lifestyle and getting to be Disney dad every second weekend . All the fun and very little of the work ( I assume you share the work when the kids come to yours) .

That's his chosen lifestyle. Is it yours ?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I think you are his "she will do for now" woman. He is unlikely to marry you and is quite happy as HE is. Do not let yourself be further strung along let alone sell yourself short.

If you want marriage and children it will not be with this man.

And what Kr1stina wrote as well.

[TatianaLarina]

He wants you as step mum to his kids. He doesn't want more kids. This set up suits him fine.

He's said you can ttc when engaged, to kick the subject into the long grass. He won't ask you to marry him.

[mydietstartsmonday]

I would say you want to try for a baby now. Marriage can come later but fertility has a shelf life. So if it is what you want you need to make it happen. I would not get het up on the marriage thing (and I am very pro marriage) focus on what you want.
A wedding takes a year to organise and then you will be 37 - not old but older. You need to take control now.

[category12]

And when are you getting engaged?

Tbh OP - he doesn't sound like he wants what you want. You need to decide whether it's him you want, or kids.

[Hellmouth]

Why this focus on getting married? I really think you need to focus on TTC now! I know you have more legal protection if you're married, but you don't even own anywhere together.

It doesn't sound like you've gotten anywhere. He's basically said he might propose at some point, and then you can TTC after said hypothetical proposal...

[opticaltrixie]

You have had your answer, OP. It was a wordy No.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

What would happen if you started today to plan the wedding and start ttc.

What would happen if you suddenly announced you were pregnant.

Why wait for him to announce you are engaged that could be 10 years from now if at all

[WannaBe]

He doesn't want to marry you OP. And he doesn't want to have a baby with you. His suggestion that you TTC while you're engaged means that he still gets to put off both being engaged and TTC. Response to TTC while engaged should have been "yay, so we're engaged then?" And see what he said.

TBH he's not wrong to not want more children, with his youngest at eight I can entirely understand why he might not want any more. But then he needs to be honest about it. He already has children, for him it's a case of not wanting any more children, but for you it would be a case of not having any children.

What you need to ask yourself now is what is most important to you, this relationship? Or having a baby. Because if it's having a baby, then time isn't on your side and you need to start ttc now.

TBH at this point I would be absolutely honest with him and say "look, you've essentially said to me that you don't want the same things as I do. That life as we currently know it is how you like it, and that's ok for you. But I want marriage and children, and as those aren't in your immediate future it's very obvious that this isn't what you want. So I think that it's best we call it quits now while we're still on good terms and so we don't have to have this conversation constantly."

And then walk away. Because even if he agrees to marry you after that conversation, marriage will be under duress not because it's what he wants.

[expatinscotland]

When people tell you who they are, LISTEN! Here's what he is telling you with his actions - he does NOT want any more kids. Why would he? Things are perfect for him as it is, kids stay with Mum, you fill in as stepmum when it's his turn to play Dad, hell, he doesn't even have house maintenance to deal with as you rent.

Then he strings you along with tidbits about ttc whilst engaged, which you are not.

And BS about how he thought you'd have no problems having a baby because you're fit. How can you fall for that? He knows how it work, he's got 3 kids and he's 35, not 15.

He is stringing you along. He will never marry you or have children with you.

If you want children, you need to go it alone with a sperm donor very, very soon. Don't wait till you're 40.

If I were you, I'd have ditched him after a year (actually I wouldn't have touched a man like him with a 10-foot barge pole), but that's by the by.

You need to accept the reality that your relationship means sacrificing your desire for children and if that's what you want, stay with this guy.

If you want children, you need to leave this man. Yesterday. You're 36 and time isn't on your side.

I'd sit him down again tonight. 'We're finished. I won't settle for this someday talk. I get it, you don't want marriage or kids. So we need to talk about how we're going to handle this split.'

Don't settle for this shit again.

[floraeasy]

Great post, expat

Please listen to her, OP.

One thing I've learnt now I am older is you have to look after Number 1. No-one else will care as much as you do about you having children. So please make that your priority if it's important to you. Time is to on your side.

This guy has an "I'm alright, Jack" mentality. You will resent him over the years and blame him for not having children if you stay with him.

[floraeasy]

Time is NOT on your side, I meant to say.

[floraeasy]

from NHS:-

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Fertility/Pages/Protectyourfertility.aspx

In women, fertility declines more quickly with age. This decline becomes rapid after the age of 35, particularly due to the decline in the quality of the eggs released by the ovaries.
Around one-third of couples in which the woman is over 35 have fertility problems. This rises to two-thirds when the woman is over 40.
Women over 35 are also less likely to become pregnant as a result of fertility treatments, including IVF, and are more likely to have a miscarriage if they do become pregnant.

There is a test you can do to get an idea of how much time you may have left.

Don't want to scare/depress you, but I'd hate to see you sleepwalk into not having children if that's what you want.

[Goldmandra]

Does he see having a baby with you as less of a commitment than marrying you?

How do you feel about that?

If you think carefully about this, I think you will know what you need to do.