A safe place for people with crap mothers, in the run up to mothers day

[pocketsaviour]

Last year I remember feeling very conflicted on mumsnet around the whole mothers day deal.

Lots of threads inviting "Share the best lesson your mum has taught you!" and when I replied "how to take a punch from your dad" it was a bit of a mood killer :(

So this is a safe place for all of us with damaging mothers to freak the fuck out make plans for M-Day which will keep ourselves sane and healthy.

Thank you for starting this thread OP. I am feeling a bit teary as this is just where I need to be today. I am NC with my narcissistic sadistic mother but I still find it painful to know how little she cares for me. TBH I think she was delighted when I stopped being in touch and she has never tried to reach out as she has other children anyway. Very hard to explain to people in real life so I avoid discussing it.

My children made me breakfast in bed and are taking me for lunch too so I'll need to pull myself together in a bit. Funnily enough my mother taught me how to parent really well - I just do everything the opposite of her and my kids seem to be turning out happy.

and to all of you who are on this thread too.

For those of you who have gone NC, what do you tell people when they ask about your parents? I mean those situations where it's just not practical to go into details.

E.g. at work recently I was asked for my mother's maiden name to set up security details. This then led to some probing questions in the middle of a busy office and it was terribly awkward.

Hi Slick, if I need to tell someone my mother's maiden name, I just do. But as your question implies, I'd rather not use it. TBH in the situation you describe I'd say I prefer using different random unguessable words for my password as that's more secure.

I use stbxh's mother's maiden name!

It wasn't the asking of the maiden name, it was the questions that followed which are perfectly innocent in normal circumstances but difficult to answer if you're NC with a parent.

Generally when people who you aren't very close to ask questions like 'what are you getting your mum for Mother's Day?', 'are you and your mum close?', what do you answer when it's not really the time or place to go into any detail?

My ds bought me a card this morning with the message 'I love you, you always make happy'. No present but he brought me a coffee - he asked me weeks ago how I liked it and I found the note by the kettle. I am not my mother, my ds deserves loving grandparents. It's true what they say, children full a space in your heart you didn't know was there. It's been a lovely day.

I've been NC for 32 years and overall it's liberating. But I've struggled a lot over the years with people's judgements about how odd it is, how I must have been a wild and ungrateful child, how NC is "taking it too far to make a point". I had a very abusive and violent childhood in which my mother was as guilty as my father, and if it was today I would hope that someone would have involved social services, but everyone in the village I grew up in turned a blind eye.
Today is difficult but I've had a card and some lovely gifts from my grown up daughter
💐💐 to everyone

Slick, when people ask me, I tend to reply that I don't have any contact with my mum. I have found the people generally don't ask any more, they often say sorry, and I reply that it's ok, it's for the best.

If someone does on occasion ask why, I say that she has been abusive since I was a little girl.

I try very hard to feel ashamed about it, and therefore try to be as honest as I can be. I don't worry about making it awkward for others, as I feel that's something else my mum will have influenced.

to not* feel ashamed

I generally stay matter of fact. Lots of my work friends were doing big family things this year. I spoke about my family (DH +ds). When asked if i was seeing my mum i said no but qualified this adding I would see my sister. I'm irritated with myself for the addendum.

I send my mom a card but don't visit as I feel the same- full of thank you for what you do etc..
Feel bad though as just had big bust up with dh. He thinks I'm unreasonable but although he got me nice cards and presents he hadn't planned anything for today. I asked shall we have a family dinner and had to tell him to cook it. We didn't have the ingredients so he said he would go to the shop but i told him not to bother. Big row but I feel upset as I don't feel important. I want to be adored but do t feel it. Don't know what to do as been crying for a while now :(

wageslave one of the things that amazes me is that no one ever intervened and helped. People knew a lot of it.

I don't know if a nice story is wrong here but today at the playground DS1 climbed a big rope bridge thing he's always been scared of. For various reasons things like that are extra challenging for him. It was fantastic. He was so thrilled and afterwards was jumping up and down and said "mummy, there's no limits to what I can do!"

My own relationship with my mother is awful just now and I worry I'm like her. I feel like I let my children down. Today I felt like I might be doing an ok job.

I must just work with very nosey people. On a few occasions, like the security details thing, when I say 'I don't have contact with my mother', it is always followed by the response 'but she's your mother!!' As if I'm being terribly unreasonable.

At that point I always shy away as I don't feel I should have to explain any further to someone I wouldn't choose to share those details with. It's difficult.

Waitingforsleep sorry, i cross posted insensitively. Sorry you're feeling bad. Is there a way to rescue the day? Could DH go get nice nibble type good and you all chill out together? Is it sunny where you are? Family trip out for an afternoon ice cream? It's difficult when expectations all around us set us up for an "amazing" day.

Sorry if that's all annoying.

Wow. Regarding mothers and abusive XHs: my mother adores my XH and after he was convicted of beating me told him that he was welcome anytime to visit them. She also asks me at least monthly how he is and whether I have seen him. We have been divorced for 23 years and I haven't spoken to him for 10 of those - since our son grew up.

But this is the woman who introduced me to him when I was just 17 and he was twice my age. She knew him through work and liked him. Set me up on a blind date with him and got angry, cold and withdrawn if I refused to see him. She also allowed him to pick me up at 11pm at night to go back to his house most nights.
When I wanted to slow the wedding down she threw a tantrum and complained about 'all the money' she'd spent.
Weird thing is that I still feel that the whole thing was mainly my fault as I should have refused and/or known better. I didn't like him at all at first and then got into some strange abusive relationship with him. Thought the only way I could reclaim my self esteem was to marry him.
My mother thought he was ideal because he had money.

Sorry. Realised this thread isn't really the place for my last post.

Yoshi - he is now cooking dinner but the atmosphere isn't good :(
I feel he is so black and white. Have I chosen someone who is just like my parents?
He doesn't understand the fuss.
I'm so upset as I wanted to have a fuss made of me. I slog my guts out for everyone do everything to make things special for people but never get it in return.
I'm feeling very flat and hate that

I've not RTFT yet but I wanted to post

My mum... she gets really upset if she doesn't get cards for occasions, I couldn't care less it's a piece of paper that someone else probably wrote the mushy shit I will never say in it.

I'm recently moved out and it's sooooo nice to be away from my parents. Freedom.

I'm slightly better with my dad than my mum but I think that because we have more in common and he doesn't try and force the kind of relationship he thinks we should have.

I struggle to say I love you. I cannot bring myself to say I love you to some who beat up a like kid, their own child, because it made them feel better.

My mum calls me a fair bit now and before she hangs up she says "I love you" and I'm just silent. I know that must hurt her but, as they liked to drum into me while kicking and punching and slapping me, actions have consequences.

I was looking for a mothers day card yesterday, I'd put it off for too long, and had to walk out of one shop because it was nothing but mushy crap that would be a lie.

I'm not a mum, but I can't wait to be. People say when I have kids "I'll do xyz" and people reply " just you wait" but I can't fathom treating my child in such a way that makes rack their brains for what they did to make them hate you and make them decide that they will never leave their children alone with you and be scared to move out leaving a younger sibling with them.

She thinks I'm a selfish cow.

Also when I was looking for cards I saw this one.

I didn't get it because she did hit me with a frying pan, along with other things.

Aw Waiting you sound sad. All I can say is that perhaps today is the wrong day to evaluate things. It sounds like you feel unappreciated generally but perhaps just get through today and think about what you would like to change another day.

Thinking of everyone else.

Waiting
(It's not a 'rule' but..) the affection you receive in your childhood can sadly be a yardstick by which you measure what's acceptable in your chosen relationships. So I guess you are more likely to accept very little, or even occasional affection as normal. You also learn not to ask for what you don't think you can have, which adds another layer.
Don't make the best of it..bugger that. Draw a line under today and ask for a do- over

Agreed not best day but I feel he is turning into my parents and really wonder if I ha e just re emulated my childhood :(
My parents are not horrible people nor is my dh. But my dh is same can't show emotions very logical and black and white (I wonder if Aspergers) my dh is the same but both would be there if needed in an emergency practical way. My dm who is divorced from my dad is just all about her - wants a fuss made of her but never does for me. Which is why I'm not there today.
I have two dc with additional needs and I want care for me too. :(

Oh @Iris65, that's so sad! You've done the right thing in posting, you've shared it and it's been heard.

Can we help? Even tho this thread is a Mother's Day one predominantly, we can help you over on the Stately Homes thread, if you'd like?

Thanks for starting this thread, knowing it's not just me is sadly comforting.... to a pp whose mum died, I don't think I would shed a tear either, I have no feelings for my mum & I know she has none for me...
I wonder if this is a generation thing?