A safe place for people with crap mothers, in the run up to mothers day

[pocketsaviour]

Last year I remember feeling very conflicted on mumsnet around the whole mothers day deal.

Lots of threads inviting "Share the best lesson your mum has taught you!" and when I replied "how to take a punch from your dad" it was a bit of a mood killer :(

So this is a safe place for all of us with damaging mothers to freak the fuck out make plans for M-Day which will keep ourselves sane and healthy.

LadyHelen so sorry for your loss. If you are permanently settled where you are now, perhaps having your DD2 moved nearer would help resolve the situation? Your mother would not be able to play her manipulative games and you would be able to visit your DD more often.

I appreciate it's a very hard choice though. I considered having my late H reinterred closer to home (primarily for my son's sake) but in the end I could not face it.

Thanks for this thread - so glad to find this. I'm limited contact with DM but won't be with her on Sunday. Just a few gems: She and my sister stood by exH after he was arrested for assaulting me. When i asked them for help with my son who was 3 (as ex had left me disabled and unable to care for him or myself) they refused, and i had to rely on adult social services for 2 years although she lives round the corner.

Instead, they compared notes with ex on my mental illness and colluded to try to get children's social services to take away DS and have me sectioned. She regularly invites exH for dinner without inviting me.

Sorry for the ramble, it's the tip of the iceberg but writing this now makes me realise I have to be NC as they still have the capacity to hurt me and perhaps DS.

I'm in a much better place and i have rebuilt my life and family although i remain physically disabled. I am blessed to have a wonderful son who loves me, and through him, i seem to find a way to heal some of the damage that has been done.

blimey tenpence. Yep - life is complicated and hard enough without one of the hard things being your own parents!

Iris65 my mother said the same thing to me and my sister all the time. She said things like "I really wanted a boy and I cried about it when you were born buthad you two and each time we said better luck next time but there wasn't a next time."

My mum is/was an enabler to my dad who was a violent abusive narrcisist. The pair of them played golden child with my younger brother too. Since having my dd I realise how dysfunctional my mum was and still is. It's like she has no emotional intelligence. My dad left years ago once he led lost control but my mum deferred to me for all decisions. She also has a warped view that because she holds position of mum then it is expected I will be the dream daughter.
I've gradually reduced contact. I can't explain it now but she infuriates me, if I ring she never asks how I am, just launches into how bad she is, (she is very ill), she makes comments that she knows I spend more money on my best friend at xmas than her. And my biggest one, she's obsessed that people are measured by intelligence, I was beaten black and blue by my dad if I didn't get all my schoolwork through with top grades, but mum used to tell him if I hadn't got star of the week etc. I remember getting one spelling wrong in my entire school life (and I paid for it). Now with dd she's making comments of "oooh she's advanced, forward, bright etc" I can feel my temper bubbling when she does it and I rapidly follow so long as she's happy I don't care.
I don't have one happy childhood memory.

That was a long ramble. Sorry.

Ten pence - I had similar with my ex and my parents.

I've seethed most the day that i have to take a card and gift tomorrow tbh. I begrudge it and choosing a card is a nightmare. Takes forever as they all describe the mother i never had hmm

Funnyonion

You really do not have to do that at all.

Would urge you instead to do something nice for yourself tomorrow. You should not give into any sense of duty; doing that simply keeps you codependent.

Had my annual melt down buying cards (one for mum and one for step-mum). Takes forever to find ones that aren't gushy. Although it's technically my second MD as a mother it feels like my first as I was still in the overwhelming blur if the newborn days last year. So much harder now I know how much I love DS and how I have never been loved in that way.

and for all!

Haven't read the rest of the thread - sorry am finding it all a bit painful. Might have a read through in a bit if I am feeling braver.

Just wanted to acknowledge Hissy and elephant posts to me - my mum doesn't live in the UK so that complicates things terribly. She spends most of her small income on health care and then we pay for the rest. It's a very complicated situation and there really isn't anything we can do to get out of it - if I let her go "homeless" she would probably die quite quickly and as much as I dislike her, I don't want to be the cause of her death. It would be one last burden that I don't want to take if that makes sense.

However, I will not follow her elaborate funeral arrangements which would put enormous strain and expense on me, her only child.

I stay in touch because I need to hand out the money just enough to keep her going and not so much that she can spend it recklessly as she is wont to do. She recklessly burned through an enormous inheritance and has nothing now. There was nothing I could do to stop her spending her inheritance knowing that it would be me who would end up supporting her financially as she had neglected to fill out the paperwork on her job to pay into a private pension.

Anyway thank you for the kindness, it's such a sore point already but someday it will end and I will be able to look myself in the mirror knowing that I did the right thing even if she never did.

tenpence how awful.

AutomatonSimine, I understand that you may want to support your mother in the last years of her life, if only to avoid the guilt.

But that doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with her. Perhaps you could send her a money order on a regular basis. You really don't have to keep track of whether she burns through it or not - you are already doing more than enough. You are not her nanny.

And you have a lever. If she hurts you, you can always threaten her with turning off the money tap. Buy her off so that she will leave you alone.

Graphista. I'm in Devon, the arse end of the country. It sounds like it's not a regional thing, you being in Scotland, but I've never known a place like this ( I'm originally from the north west) I live in a cul de sac and I'm amazed at the way that adult children cling to their mothers. Random people in the street ( and their awful parking) turns out they're all related. Weird. I'm so glad you've noticed it too, I thought it was just me

Does it make anyone else feel sad when they see all the Facebook posts about how wonderful people's mums are and how they're best friends etc etc?
I honestly cannot get my head around how anyone can be best friends with their Mum? Mine has never acted like a mum and I actually don't understand the role that a mum plays.
I keep low contact with mine and I just can't comprehend a relationship with her other than popping round on special occasions.
I find myself grieving for the Mum I want but will never have.

NC for 12 years here.

ExDP and father of my two eldest is taking us (plus my baby who's father isn't around) for lunch and shopping. I'm surrounded by cards and trinkets the kids have made.

I've sent my amazing step Mum (who came into my life when I was 17 and at my worst, she showed me nothing but love) and my Grandma (Dads mother) cards and gifts.

I don't mourn for my abusive mother any more. She's still alive (mores the pity) but yeah. She barely gets a second thought these days. To quote Prison Break "Just because you spat me out of your womb does not make you my mother."

It takes more than just DNA to be a mother. My step Mum and Grandma go above and beyond the requirements for being a Mum.

Happy Mothers Day to all the fantastic mums on this thread. Despite your pasts, you're doing brilliantly.

For Mothers Day this year, I learned my mum has been keeping my dad's prostate cancer a secret from me.

May we never follow in their lacklustre parenting.

Thanks toomuch, that article resonates with how I feel. I don't get along with my M and it isn't my fault. The fb posts thanking DMs for help and support make a me feel sad, on occasion I pine for loving parents. Two siblings feel a similar way to me but golden child will be having a Disney version of Mothering Sunday.

DH sent a card from DS, he thought they were dead. I'm low contact but have tried to get them involved in there grandson's life - they simply have no interest and he knows it. They are the fur coat and no knickers of parents - mantle piece photographs and talking the talk. They have turned down every invitation to get together and haven't see us in 15 months. I simply can't get dressed up and go out for a meal so I'm not going to. No fb post, no card, no present, no guilt.

My mother doesn't love me and I am covertly hated by her. This isn't my fault and a bit of understanding of this would mean so much.

Another bloody m-day where DM doesn't acknowledge it's m-day for me too. It's ALWAYS ALWAYS all about her.

I haven't read through (will do so later) and I'm sure my situation is pretty mild compared to others who I know have had it very tough.

Lots of love to you all who also find this a tricky day. I hope you feel loved and cherished by your partners and children.

I wanted to stop by and gives 💐 to everyone on this thread. Many people with stable childhoods don't realise just how different it can be for other people.

What shines through for me when reading this thread is the determination of you all to make a different outcome for your children. Kudos to you all. 💪

Happy Mother's Day to my 'mother' who gave me the tremendously freeing and empowering gift of flouncing off out of my life.

My mother used to tell me she wished she "had an abortion", "got rid of me" "flushed me down the toilet".

Someone said earlier that they feel sorry for their mother as she must be sad as she's alone. I don't believe they're ever sad about it. My mum worries about how it looks to other people, she also likes to play the victim and tell everyone how awful I am to her. She always liked my friends and other people's children more than me. I'm sure that hasn't changed so I don't believe that she's sad we are not around. She never liked us much anyway.

Not the thread for me but dropping in to say Happy Mother's Day to you all and hope you're getting on with it OK. Also, @pocketsaviour - bowling is a brilliant idea for a Mother's Day activity! Going to do that next year.

Forgot to say - I cry just at the thought of saying those things to my kids. I cannot comprehend it.

Thank you for starting this thread OP.
I'm NC with my mum, have been since July 2014, it has been one of the hardest but best things I have ever done.
Hard as I lost my dad as well, who is just as abused by her as I was, I have very minimal contact with my extended birth family now, it hurts but it's getting easier by the day.

I didn't find the run up to this MD as hard as previous ones, however it cut deep when all my FB friends started changing their profile picture to one if their mums, I felt it then, as sharp as always, cutting deeply. I decided to post a collection of my favourite photos of my DC though and it helped me feel as if I wasn't 'left out' if that makes any sense.

I had a good chat to my best friend this week, we both spoke about our mixed feelings of Mother's Day, she lost her mum a few years ago and is sad not to have her mum around, but we are both happy to have our DC around. The mixed feelings are hard to process, however we're both finding it easier as the years move forward.

My DH and DC have been amazing and I'm feeling very much loved and wanted xx

I hope all of you have a lovely day and wish you all the best

tenpence I had similar with mother and exH but nearly as bad as yours,

Facebook full of people posting pics of them with their lovely mums, so hard for those of us on this page.

However having had that woman as my mother has made me a better mum to my kids. I often wonder why people bother having kids if they're going to be horrible to them.