A safe place for people with crap mothers, in the run up to mothers day

[pocketsaviour]

Last year I remember feeling very conflicted on mumsnet around the whole mothers day deal.

Lots of threads inviting "Share the best lesson your mum has taught you!" and when I replied "how to take a punch from your dad" it was a bit of a mood killer :(

So this is a safe place for all of us with damaging mothers to freak the fuck out make plans for M-Day which will keep ourselves sane and healthy.

Three years NC here as well.

Hate Mother's Day.

Reminds me of the void in my life of not having that relationship. She knows all she has to do is apologise for an outrageous lie she told and then tried to pin it all on Dd when it unravelled and tried to convince me Dd was a teenage psychopath.

Well I guess she would have to apologise, mean it and change her ways which is unlikely so maybe it's for the best. She's been given chances before after numerous stunts over the years.

But it hurts that she won't even make the effort to try and fix things when she knows the ball is in her court. She's elderly and I hear not very well. She has no family as my brother is also NC with her. So I do at times feel sorry for her as she must be so miserable.

Flopsy
"I mourn for the woman I would have liked to have as my mum, not for the mother I was given."
Yes, this is pretty much where I am now.

I also curse that I let her have some influence over my parenting. Thankfully not anymore.

I've been nc with the mother since 12 plus years ago. Am divorced. Last year it was me and the kids in a wimpy. Me crying. The wimpy empty apart from us. Me still crying but trying to be enthusiastic about some chips.

This year will probably be lunch in a wimpy again. Me crying considerably less. Kids with me. I don't even remember I have a mother on Mother's Day to be honest. I'll leave that to my estranged siblings, if they're still in touch with the old bat.

Difficult for so many people on bloody ma's day.

Possum I feel the same. All she has to do is acknowledge the pain she has caused and genuinely apologise. But she won't.

Possum
"She has no family as my brother is also NC with her. So I do at times feel sorry for her as she must be so miserable."

me too. Then I remember, if she wasn't such an unpleasant person she would have loads of people around her.

If I got mine a card it would say "Happy M-day you egoistical abusive dysfunctional mega twat" but I don't care enough to send a card.
Ah that felt good to type.
It does ache a bit inside whenever I see happy mother/daughter relationships.

OH - I will also struggle with Mothers' day just not maybe for the same reasons as you. Well perhaps similar but different reasons. Just because it is not exactly the same as others does not make it any less important to me if not others on here

User, I don't like to be "thread police" but the title does say this is a safe place for those with crap mums.

Your mum does not sound crap at all. I am sorry for your loss but I do not think that either you or us will benefit from being on this thread, so I would respectfully ask you to post somewhere more appropriate.

Pocket - Ok just because my distress is not the exact same I am not welcome here. Got it

My mother died last year. Neither my sister nor I have shed a tear or felt anything since then. I'm looking forward to mother's day this year as we won't be struggling to buy a card that isn't gushing with sentiments about how wonderful mothers are or thanking them for all they do for us.

Nasty horrible old woman

Yes where are all the low key mothers day cards? My god it's painful trawling through looking for one without a drivelly poem inside about how amazing and perfect this mum person is. Honestly they're so overly sentimental it seems to reinforce the taboos around motherhood.

Then I remember, if she wasn't such an unpleasant person she would have loads of people around her.

This, a thousand times!

I have been deleting all the MD marketing emails with a cheery 'fuck off' as I hit delete

But it's the first year my wonderful grandmother isn't here for me to buy something for

My feelings are complex because my mother is dead, but she was an alcoholic who was horribly abusive at times. I can't hate her, though - just feel immense pity for her combined with a recognition she crushed my self esteem.

Mine would read :
Thanks for me ending up in care, if only it had been sooner !

I've just had a quick look on gransnet as I know she posts there, yep I'm still responsible for everything bad in her life!

Her giving up her job - getting pregnant with me, her getting divorced - my fault, making her feel old - me by having the audacity to have a child without actively seeking her permission first...

It's weird, she's a really popular poster on there and I want to sign up to post "you don't know the fucking half of it! It's all lies and 'spin', everything out of her mouth is designed to show her in the best light and show how her parents/my father/my brother/me are all so cruel and mean to her!"

It'll be 3 years NC this year, I have times where I waver and then I read this shit and know it was the right decision

How do you all handle seeing happy mother/daughter stuff on M-day or otherwise all while being painfully aware you never got that positive type of relationship as a kid? I find it difficult.

Yes, at least I don't have to worry about not finding a too gushy card now.

The thing with toxic mothers they never see how they are to blame for the situation. I know my mum tells her friends I'm a nasty bitch who was looking for an excuse to stop visiting because I couldn't be arsed.

She overlooks the fact she was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child, the emotional abuse carried on into adulthood....constantly being put down, trying to control me. She refused to speak to me when I was pregnant for six months as she felt I should have an abortion because I wasn't married. Wrote me nasty letters saying I was living in sin, the child would be disabled as a punishment from God, etc.

Ironicly she was having an affair, which I then covered up for her. Though a while later she physically attacked my dad and stabbed him. They did end up divorcing.

She has fallen out with everybody, every friend she has ever had.....there will be a huge row after a few years and they never speak again. She has had serious, police involved feuds with every neighbour she's ever had. She has had major fallings out with every jobs she's ever had and either been sacked or paid off to walk away.

But it's never her! She can't see that normal people do not fall out with people like this. Even taking her dog for a walk she will fall out with a random stranger on the playing field to the extent of trying to hit them with a walking stick "to defend myself" and calling the police. Police are sick of her and used to ring me and tell me to sort her out!

DSis and I also used to have a competition where we would try to buy the shittest, cheapest, nastiest Mother's Day present we could find.

I often look at people I know and wish they could have been my mother. Unfortunately mine had a very high opinion of herself in every way

Pocketsaviour - Your comment about dog shit in a jar has absolutely made my day after having to deal with my totally crazy and self centred stepmother- thank you

I have a good relationship with Dd so concentrate on that on Mother's Day.

We will probably go and see MIL if dh gets off his arse and sorts that out. I get on with MIL but she's very nonplussed by me being NC and I get the feeling she's biting her tongue and thinks I'm heartless. She's only met my mum once though!

I wish I could go nc like a lot of you have, hopefully one day I'll manage it but for now I have minimal contact.

She spent my wedding day crying at my sister in her bridesmaid dress and commented during the speeches that if my dad cried at my wedding he'd me overcome at my sisters - I'm now divorced and nc with my sister.

28 years of shit and I still try but this year I won't be buying her so much as a card I'm done faking it. It was my birthday very recently and she didn't even ring to say happy birthday let alone give me a card.

Being a mother myself I know realise how toxic my childhood was.

I'll be spending the day with my two kids and I'm treating myself to a charm bracelet and going to let them pick me a charm each. Ive been single the last 3 years and no ones ever took them to pick me out a card or gift so this year I'm taking maters into my own hands I guess.

*Olly must be a really difficult time for you, I empathise.

Have you got anything planned on Sunday to take your mind off things or mark the occasion in an appropriate way?*

Thank you Pocket - your kindness has made my day!

I'm actually babysitting my niece and nephew because my BIL and SIL have a night out, then visiting MIL (lovely woman) when we take them home so busy day. No time for thinking how different things could have been! My own DCs wanted to take me out for Sunday lunch but we'd already agreed on the babysitting so we'll do that another time and they'll conveniently forget it was for mothers' day and I'll have to pay

I do think NC is difficult and I envy people who have a DM who always "has their back" . I like to think if I had a D M that I would show appreciation all year, not just on the day the card manufacturers tell me to.

I'm going to take my daughter out and do something with just the two of us. She's a constant reminder of what true love is.

My own mother walked out on me when I was 4 days old. I look at my lovely, funny and sweet one year old and wonder how she could have been so cold.

Even through the dark times and wanting to run away, my first concern was my little girl. She has been stuck to me and would have gone where I went no matter what.

So I'll be treating small one to cake and hot milk plus a little shopping and taking great pleasure from our relationship.

I've been NC with my mother for some time. She maintains that she loves me. I think her understanding of love and mine are very different. It shouldn't just be a word.

She hasn't had an easy life, but telling your child that you wish they hadn't been born, that they aren't a 'real person,' and that their (relatively mild) disability is 'God punishing you' can't be excused by that. She was an alcoholic, and doesn't seem to realise that the material things I had to do as a child because of that, looking after her and my younger siblings, don't bother me at all. The emotional abuse is what I'm still struggling with, because even though I know that it was all nonsense, as a child I believed it and came to believe that I was both utterly worthless and completely abnormal.

Most of that happened while she was sober.

Mother's Day doesn't usually bother me too much in itself. I don't have DC so I can mostly just ignore it. I do get emotional when I talk to parents of children with SEN now, and see how much they value their children and want to support them. And it bothers me when other people think I'm wrong not to buy her a card or present or spend time with her, because 'you only get one mother,' etc.

That's probably the hardest thing to deal with - how do you respond when someone asks you what you're doing for Mother's Day? I suppose it's easier if you have your own children and can spend it with them.

I'm v low contact with my Mum, DH Mum not great either tbh.

However how we laughed this evening, I'd already agreed with my DC we weren't doing anything on Sunday as I'd been asked to meet up with a friend. My 20 year old said "I've finally go it, what you really want for Mother's Day is to not see your children and not be a Mum - have a complete day off" she's sort of right isn't she!