A safe place for people with crap mothers, in the run up to mothers day

[pocketsaviour]

Last year I remember feeling very conflicted on mumsnet around the whole mothers day deal.

Lots of threads inviting "Share the best lesson your mum has taught you!" and when I replied "how to take a punch from your dad" it was a bit of a mood killer :(

So this is a safe place for all of us with damaging mothers to freak the fuck out make plans for M-Day which will keep ourselves sane and healthy.

My Mother allowed me to be sexually abused even after I told her. I hate her more for that than any of the men who abused me. She also told me I must have annoyed my first real Bf when I told her he was regularirly beating and abusing me.

Mothers who are misogynist and don't protect their girls...I don't get it.
I feel more protective towards random children I don't know than my mother ever did towards me.
It's so weird. I felt severe, horrible guilt for going NC in the begining, but now I'm more indifferent. She doesn't feel guilt over her abuse and neglect, so why should I feel guilty?
Or any of you. Don't.

Mothers who covertly hate their daughters seem to be much more common than you'd think. What's the reason for this phenomenon? Is it jealousy? Fear of aging? Fear of being a surplus to requirement?

Mothers who covertly hate their daughters seem to be much more common than you'd think. What's the reason for this phenomenon? Is it jealousy? Fear of aging? Fear of being a surplus to requirement?

They didn't want children in the first place, so they resent them (even though of course it is in no way the child's fault that he or she was born). Or they only wanted sons.

Or they wanted children, but only as an image of themselves, or to reflect their glory. And they cannot bear it when that image is not what they expected.

Or they are sadists who enjoy torturing people (particularly if they are helpless).

All of these, it should be said, are choices. You cannot help how you feel, but you can choose how you act.

can I join you, but a safe place for me hiding from my dd.

always supported dd emotionally, physically, financially day after week after year after decade!
she always said how "lucky she was to have me as her mum"

but the reality is that as long as I danced to her tune she was fine.

looking back she abused me in every way gaining control of me.
the final straw was a couple of weeks ago.

I had surgery for cancer, which has spread, yet all she can focus on is her inheritance.
she wants to see my will, even "offered to take me to dignitas so I won't suffer"

she has abused me for the last time. I have told her to leave me alone.
I will never trust her again.so, can I join here please!

Heard I think you should bear in mind that a lot of people on this threads have mothers who spread poisonous lies about them, for whom posts like yours are a painful reminder of what their mum might be going around saying about them.

I'm sorry for your cancer and your pain, and I'm certainly not either the OP or thread police, but a new thread for mothers who feel like you might be a better idea.

Or they wanted children, but only as an image of themselves, or to reflect their glory.

This in bucket loads. Well in my case anyway, I think.

My mother seems to have struck again since me posting on here. One of my dear friends called yesterday to tell me that my mother had shown up at her place of work asking questions about me. It's not the first time. Other friends of ours have encountered the same. It's so embarrassing for one and awful for my friends who are put in a bad position. Luckily my friend is the type to send her packing poste haste if not sooner.

Now I'm expecting her to do something to ruin the weekend.

Thank you for starting this thread.
So many friends in RL just don't understand why you choose to go NC with your own mother and you have to smile patiently while they say 'It can't have been that bad' etc.
Thankfully I don't have to worry about cards as have been NC for a few years now.
For those who still bother, when you don't want to, just don't!

Life doesn't come with a manual, it comes with a mother !! And mine is shit !!!
When I told her I was having my second baby her exact words to me were " oh fuck not another one"
I would never speak to my daughter like that and was delighted when she gave birth to my granddaughter's !!

She also went to my brothers wedding dressed head to toe in black ! She said it was because she was loosing her son!
I sneaked off and got married without telling anyone in my family as I couldn't deal with all the drama she would have brought to the day ! When I told her I'd got married all she said was i don't like your hair like that !!
Then she wonders why I hate her ???
I suffer from severe mental health issues because of my past and all she can say is "well I hope she doesn't think it's my fault !!
Well actually I do thinks it's her fault 100%.
As the saying goes it is easier to build up a child than it is to repair an adult ! Don't I know it !

happy fathers' day" card - but like other people have said, I always avoid the "World's Best".

Yup. Birthday cards the same: for a special Dad who means so much. Bleuch/boak etc.

I get a plain as possible non-committal FD card for him. I lived overseas for a few years where FD falls on a different day to UK. That was my excuse for getting 'blank for your own indifference message' card i.e. if I buy a FD card it will be either lost or ungiveable months later when it's UK FD.

(I lost my Mum 12 years ago. Something I had to say to a cashier today who was telling me that chocolates were on special offer. She looked away as she didn't know what to say. Maybe it's the same for her. OK, she was only doing her job.)

My husband has purchased an MD card for his 81 year old mother (why do narcs live so long ? Gives them more time to be narcissistic I suppose.) He will hang on to it until MD falls where she lives. He tries hard to get the plainest, most non-committal MD card he can find. Most years he just can't be arsed with that and gets just something, anything to get the goddam MD card bought.

I wish I had a Mum to go NC with

(I know this isn't the place and one poster has already been told off for that. Probably for good reason.)

BACK ON TOPIC

NC with my alcoholic poor excuse of a mother for 3 years now- but I'm learning to love Mother's Day because of my wonderful little boy it still makes me a bit sad though- especially the overally sentimental adverts about how wonderful mothers are.
It's so disingenuous when there are some bloody awful ones out there.

*overly oh and I forgot to say thanks for starting the thread

It can be quite isolating having a terrible mother, especially with all the Facebook posts on Mother's Day!!

Does anyone else have a mother who remarried a wealthy man? My stepdad gives my mom way too much power and control. Having money has made her more and more arrogant and "I'm better than you" kind of attitude over the years. She likes to covertly flaunt her money in others' faces. She also covertly brags about going to her pilates class 3 times a week, all the vacations they take, getting weekly massages, etc. It's very annoying to me. I don't have time or money to do all the things she gets to do and it feels like she loves throwing it in my face. The older she gets, the worst she gets about things like this. And since she has everything already, I HATE buying her any gifts. I've found things I've given her discarded or thrown in a box in the back of a closet.

Oh, my grandmother passed away in 2015. I gave my mom a few nice things that belonged to her because she wanted something small to remember her. Mind you, I didn't owe this to her. This was my mom's former mother in law and my dad is now remarried. I found out my mom gave the things (all of them) to my brother's wife. She didn't even ask me if I wanted them back. She gave every single item away. I asked her about it and she said "I changed my mind. I didn't feel comfortable having it." She even had the key to my storage unit so if she didn't want it in the house, she could have put the stuff in there.

I have a horrible mum as well but to my abject horror I can't go NC as I have to support her financially or she'd be out on the streets. It's a nightmare situation as it's exactly what she always wanted and expected and told me - that my existence was to take care of her.

I really thought I had drawn a line in the sand and had stopped letting her hurt me but when she went to elaborate lengths to make a home made Birthday cake for her lodger (same age as myself) it really made me angry. She's not even sent me or anyone in my family a birthday card for years (mind you, I tell her not to as I don't want her to spend the money as it's basically our money buying the damn card)

Anyway, I won't receive any gifts either on Mother's Day as my DH conveniently doesn't believe in it. At least I will have the day to myself quietly at home alone.

Automaton, it sounds like you and I have reversed situations. Yours sounds just awful and I'm sorry you have to support her. I don't think we will ever understand how their mind works.

Since your DH doesn't believe in MD, then hopefully he shows you that you're appreciated other days of the year. x

I'm grateful for threads like these. It's a reminder that my mother isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things, she's just not interested, mixed with some emotional abuse and quite manipulative.
I'm so sorry that so many of you have been through so much at the hands of the people who should of loved you most. I hope you have others in your lives that give you support and have managed to build strength in yourselves without the support of your mothers.

It's taken me years to think that I could offer more to children of my own than my mother gave to me, I really thought I'd be shit because she was and we are very similar (health issues, looks) but with the help of DP and his family (setting a great example and being so accepting) I've changed my mind and we would like kids in the next few years.

I'm not sure I could ever go NC, I'm too weak. But contact is infrequent, as she just doesn't care enough to see me and often cancelled so I've given up trying. I'll drop her a card and flowers off (card say's 'happy mothers day' and that's it), but I doubt she will make time to see me (I have a key so I can drop stuff off like this...).

Just wanted to join. I haven't sent my M a card for a few years, her birthday is around the same time so usually just send a BD card. She didn't bother sending a card or even calling on my birthday last year and last time I saw her she completely ignored me, so I haven't even sent a BD card.
I just try and avoid talking about it in RL. You get sick of hearing 'you only get one mum', 'you'll miss her when she's gone ' and the classic 'she was really nice when I spoke to her'. Answering back that actually it's a shame you only get one mother as if you had several there's a chance you would have had one decent one. Or you won't actually miss her as she's an abusive, self centred old cow and to be totally honest it'll be a relief when she's gone. Or you can't possibly know her after a five minute conversation, how about I tell you in detail about the years of emotional abuse. These things tend to kill a conversation, so I think sometimes it's a subject best worth avoiding.

Sorry about the rant.
to all suffering, it can be completely shit.

Automaton, if you couldn't support her, then what?

If she were out on the streets that would not be your fault, it's hers.

You can arrange for money to be paid direct to lender/landlord to keep the roof over her head, but you don't have to have contact with her if it hurts to do so.

Oh I wanted to add, I didn't mean that my mom supports me when I said our situations are reversed. Far from it. What I meant is that my mom rubs her money in everyone's faces. So she doesn't need me for a thing and discards anything I give her.

I also agree with Hissy. Automaton, it wouldn't be your fault if she were out on the streets. She can apply for benefits and the government will help her. And like Hissy said, you could pay the rent directly to the landlord and not have any contact with her. You have the right to start putting yourself and your mental wellbeing first.

Toomuch she is certainly golden child ( we are very different, im salt of the earth I live for my kids and friends and I like to think a considerate person, she's the opposite vain, money orientated cares massively about her appearance) - she bought her a business for her 16th birthday I've never received anything. So all I get now is 'wonderfull sister how fantastic own business etc etc' on paper yes lovely fantastic but her take home is around 12k a year. I've grafted my arse off in care roles around the kids and I start uni in September. ( not nursing but medical) my starting salary will be double hers.
My 'mother' commented on my fb post about my uni accaptance saying 'about time you did something with your life'

I've raised two amazing kids on my own, went through a divorce, worked 60 hour weeks at some points to pay the bills - but hey I've just been sat doing nothing. She's oblivious.

My wedding photographer - lovely lady- laced my dress up and shared my tears with me. Whilst being horrified that my mother was in fact my bio mam ... she thought she was my step mum! Her exact words to me where 'but she's so cold towards you!?!'

In a way I'm glad tho that other people can see it, I know it's not just my imagination. She's done some horrific things over the years to me and it gets to a point where I think you start thinking you must have made it up or something.

Adding my name here.

It seems as though all the advertising has really ramped up this year. I find it hard to understand that anyone would genuinely identify with all the sickly-sweet wording about what a mother is. It's so far away from my experience. And it's impossible to explain how difficult this time of year is to anyone who doesn't have a dysfunctional relationship with their mother.

My DP refuses to have any contact with my parents because of how they have behaved towards me and in general.
He also has no contact with his own mother, but is very happy with the rest of his family. I have met his mother and she is odd in an indefinable way but seems 'OK'. I respect my DP's feelings though and know that others often cannot understand the dynamics.

In real life I know VERY few people who've got genuinely lovely mum's - that may be because like calls to like (there's research to support this - that abuse victims tend to recognise each other at least on a subconscious level).

My mother had never intended to be a mother. She was from a large poor family and saw motherhood as nothing but drudgery. I am the eldest and was unplanned, while my parents claim they were intending to marry anyway I'm not convinced.

I've also been told by several of my mothers siblings that her parents said to her they would support her as a single unmarried mother - no big deal these days but certainly was then!

She's also actually told me she was/is jealous, of my 'bond' with my father - yep that would be the father who abused me - during a conversation about the abuse!

Also when my sister and I were teens/20's she would 'encourage' us to wear revealing, tight, skimpy clothes even though that was absolutely not our style and get cross when we wouldn't buy/wear that type of thing because 'if I was still young and skinny and pretty...' So weird.