A safe place for people with crap mothers, in the run up to mothers day

[pocketsaviour]

Last year I remember feeling very conflicted on mumsnet around the whole mothers day deal.

Lots of threads inviting "Share the best lesson your mum has taught you!" and when I replied "how to take a punch from your dad" it was a bit of a mood killer :(

So this is a safe place for all of us with damaging mothers to freak the fuck out make plans for M-Day which will keep ourselves sane and healthy.

I haven't spoken to my mum properly in over a year. Long story short, she overstepped the mark with my husband, discussing private things about me behind my back. Also criticising my parenting and trying to take over (for example, once my lo had been a bit sick, so I picked him up and was comforting him. She said "give him to me, let me hold him, I want to hold him, now". I said "in a minute, I just want to make sure he's okay first". She called me all sorts and acted like I was the worlds worst mother for wanting to comfort my own baby. Yet I know for sure if I'd handed him straight over, she'd of had a go because it should be me to comfort him).
She's slapped me for no reason at all, which I didn't like.
She drinks far too much. Starts at 9.30am most days, goes on until early evening. She will spend more time on the phone to her mates than she does paying attention to her children, some days she only gives them a sandwich for dinner as she's too busy on the phone to cook.
There's a while lot more but don't want to drip feed.
(I don't speak to my aunt either as she said that my son is only my son when it suits me).
So yeah I'm best off away from them.

My story pales into insignificance compared to the rest of you. But it still hurts.

My 86 year old mum had been wonderful, thoughtful, caring and loving until my entitled arse of a brother moved in with her. He is living there rent free, tries to cash fraudulent cheques through her bank account, eavesdrops on her phone calls, all because he drives her to a couple of appointments a week he thinks this is his right. He has gradually changed her attitude towards others. DD got married last year and chose not to invite brother because his is a racist, homophobic bigot he had very little contact with her for 20 years. Brother was outraged, kicked up a fuss, demanded a reason which DD gave him, then mum decided she was unhappy with the situation so she refused to come to the wedding and hasnt spoken to any of us since.
I have sent texts but no reply. It's as though she has wiped us out of her life. I'm big enough to take it but to ignore her grandkids and great grand child? That's unforgivable,

I've written a bog standard Mothers Day card for her and will post it later but I can't face anything to do with the whole day right now. It's just a reminder of what I've lost. She isn't in good health and it's hard coming to terms with the fact I have probably seen her for the last time.

Thank you for letting me off load

Wow - I'm so sad to find this thread full of others who are in the same boat. I don't have much to add- it's all so complicated and horrid, emotionally exhausting to revisit but I connect with a lot of the things said here.

I've been no contact with her now since 2015. I never thought I'd see the day but I did it. But it cost me my siblings.

Sorry for you Kitty

I guess parents are a lottery and we're not winners.

Sorry for everyone who is struggling. I've gone back and read some of your comments and a lot rings true.

This is the first year I won't be sending my mother a card and it feels horrible. I'm no contact since last august as she reacted badly when I didn't invite her to my wedding (this august) as she is an alcoholic narc, who ruined my twin's wedding by mine-sweeping drinks, crying hysterically etc. I couldn't risk it. She called me a moral-less whore and a shit mother. I can't forgive that. It makes me v sad as I love being a mother. Hugs to you all.

I only see my mother a couple of times a year. She just has no interest in me or my children. I just shove a cheap card in the post to her, no idea if she even receives it!

Third year since NC. The last two years MD didn't bother me at all. So I don't know why this year is different but I am really struggling.

I am angry at the whole thing. I have told DH I want no fuss at all. I just want it to be over.

Been no contact for many years now, best thing I ever did. She started playing her tricks on my twins, favouring one over the other just as she had done with my sister and me. I put a stop to it there and then. It's been nothing but a relief. I hear stories now and I just laugh. She's a narcissist, she was the best mum in the world, the best teacher, the best nurse, the best everything. Only she wasn't, she neglected her kids and was out partying most of the time. Her favourite trick was to sleep with other women's husbands, just to show that she was more attractive, nicer, more intelligent than them, or even just because she should. I do realise that the men should have known better, but it was something she deliberately set out to do and that sort of mindset is just plain nasty. She'd always tell me how useless, fat, thick, ugly I was. I now realise that this was her fear of having an intelligent attractive teen around. She started denying that I was her dd when I was about 15, telling people that my sister was her oldest (5 years younger than me) and that I was the au pair! She's pulled some shitty tricks over the years and left me in a pretty bad way.

I want to mark my place for later.

I share everyone's sentiment that says about getting the mother you wished for rather than the one you got though.

I'm still in contact but it's low and on my terms.

NC for four years this time round. Best decision I ever made.

I also remember trawling through all the cards trying to find something that just said "Happy Mothers Day" without any of the nice words because they made me feel sick to think of them being attributed to her.

I will try to think of the dog shit in a jar and smile.

Mother's Day means nothing to me. No mum to celebrate it with. Haven't seen her in 18yrs and she makes no attempt to see me on her grandkids. I've sent Mother's Day cards for years, always a struggle because none of the writings in them are truthful in my situation. I'm thinking I won't bother this year. What's the point?

Sorely tempted to develop a line of cards: Thank you for your completely inadequate parenting!
Cheers for the anxiety disorder!
Mum, your love was only ever for yourself, so keep it that way for all our sakes!

Flopsy really identify with what you said.

Lots of my relatives say what a shame about the situation but to me the shame is to have had a mother like her and not a lovely one which I might have had.

Was fortunate to have some lovely relatives so have modelled my parenting on them. So MD to me all about happiness with my own children. I think it does make a big difference to have your own children. I am several years of NC and it makes me very happy so that Mothers Day is even more happy for me as I dont have to have anything to do with her. Major narcissist too and was starting to try to scapegoat my children too so glad to put a stop to it.

I dont feel guilty at all now because I was the child and she was the parent and I dont feel responsible at all.

Thank you for this thread. I often feel im the only person in the world with no relationship with their mother. It makes me extremely sad. I hate impending mothers day and the feelings of sadness, loss, regret and envy it brings. I really struggle with it.
for everyone out there going through the same feelings as me about it. Its horrible.

My abusive, narc mother sent me a big parcel just before she cut me off, for confronting her about my abusive childhood and trying to continue it with my DC, 3 years ago.

In it were all the MD and BD cards my DC and I had sent her for years together with all the photos she had of us. I know she sent it to say 'why did you love me so much if I was so abusive?' I felt sick when I read the messages in the cards like World's Greatest Mum etc, and the words I'd written like 'I am so grateful for you do, love you so much'. It was all bullshit and desperate pleas for love and approval which fell on empty ears. What was worst was finding a card I'd made but had no memory of making, when I was 7 and being sexually abused by a sibling, covered in hearts and flowers I'd painstakingly drawn professing my undying love to her, too afraid to tell her what was going on under her roof because she was out of it on Valium most of the time and agressive when she wasn't a zombie.

I feel great relief that I never have to send fake platitudes again. I also will not cry when my mother dies. When I find out that she has, as siblings will not tell me she would make sure of that, I have vowed to find her grave so I can spit on it. I was shocked myself that I would ever feel like that I must say!

Dawndonna I also have twins. She would call one handsome, the other who wore glasses like me, ugly because he needed to be taken down a peg (in her words) as he was doing well as school and got an award for helping someone in the street. Directly to their faces. 'Handsome' DT would tell his brother 'Grandma said you're ugly' when they had arguments. I found he had completely scribbled out his face on his school ID a few years ago because he looked ugly in it. I cannot convey the rage I feel at her still.

It's the lack of understanding and judging from some others who've been lucky enough to have good mum's that gets to me.

Not all people judge as it's becoming more understood that not everyone had a happy or even neutral childhood, but some can be right arses!

My mum hit me all the time growing up and now denies any of it ever happened. She accused me of trying to hit her when I was a teen which is a big fat LIE. I never touched that woman. I was afraid of her and usually backed into a corner scared to death with her screaming in my face. She would throw my clothes out on the drive and tell me to go live at my dad's and never come back. I was never into drugs, sex or anything like that as a teen. I would simply stand up for myself and then get smacked in the face. She hit me so hard that I now have tmj issues. Thanks mum.

LadyHelen, your mum sounds awful and I'm sorry you had to receive that parcel. A loving mum wouldn't want to part with cards like that in a million years. xx

Thank you for this thread, it's lovely not to feel alone. I'm so, so close to my DC, which shows what a loving mother/child relationship can be, compared to the one that I have with my mother. I'm almost NC with her, but will put a card in the post. I could ignore her, but she is getting older and I find that I can't quite do that without feeling mean myself. I'll be enjoying Sunday with my children around me
to all.

@pocketsaviour thankyou for creating this thread, I have chosen the most bland, blank card I could. I am very LC but with an ill enabling DF. I too grieve for the loving mother I so wish I could have instead of the histrionic, searingly critical bile spewing one I have.

thinking of you all in similar situations it's taken me till 45 to realise I am not a useless piece of crap though the scars still run deep.

love to you all xxxxxx

I'd love a proper mum, I accepted a long time ago that I wouldn't have one. My mum was/is an abusive narc and I have had low contact with her for two years and then nc after Christmas. She spent it with my brothers family telling them lies about me !

What a delight she is ! Mother day will be spent with my children and it will be lovely and I probably won't think of her at all to be honest.

She was never a nice mum to me so I've never had that and you don't really miss what you never had.

Issues have come up for me bizarrely as dh's narc brother is having a baby with his wife and that's really upsetting me thinking of that poor baby growing up in edge dealing with him as their dad

Should say growing up feeling on edge,

isn't amazing how low these mothers will stoop, targeting gc I presume to get at us. ever since my daughter was 18 m old it's been she's chunky, plump etc. worst crime in our family is to be fat, I was a fat whale at 15 despite being a competitive gymnast and slim. dd is now 12 and I have made it very clear I will not tolerate any comments about anyone's weight or what they eat. my mother has never said one positive thing to me about me or dsis or family in her life. we don't contribute ie we are nurses and teachers she is a total passive aggressive cow x

My mother is getting a card with flowers on that says 'Happy Mother's Day'. I can't bring myself to write anything nicer. To the outside world she is adorable. To me she is a passive aggressive cow. It's taken me ages to work it out; as a child I thought it was just that I was the 'also ran' to my my brother, the golden boy (not his fault, he's very nice). Then I was briefly acceptable when I produced grandchildren (she does adore them - they're boys), but I now realise I am not thin enough, tidy enough, smart enough, exactly like her enough to ever really get her approval. She sent me a really nasty email on my birthday about how she could never speak to me (which isn't true, I had phoned her 4 days before, sent her a card and birthday present of her own 2 days before, texted her the day before that) and how she feels very low on my list of priorities, which is a shame considering she is called upon to be baby sitter, hotel etc. Bear in mind she lives 250 miles away so she only 'babysits' maybe once every 18 months when both DP and I have work commitments that mean we need someone to stay in our house and look after the DC. And we're always very grateful. If we visit, it's so far that we can't just go for a weekend so we end up staying about 5 days and we do try to help but she is a control freak and wants to do everything herself - it's just that afterwards she wants to be able to tell anyone who'll listen how martyred she is. When she does come here she meets my friends and either tries to tell them all how amazingly she's done at looking after the DC, or what a disaster I am, how messy my house is etc. Or she will try to engage DP in a conversation about my failings, with me sitting right there. It's really hurtful.