"Surrendering" to your femininity... Have you done this/ do you do this?

[MoreSacredDance]

Name change because this could be a bit "outing" put together with some other posts of mine.

My husband and I are currently going through the toughest period of our marriage. I am hopeful and positive though, because we both love each other very much and want to stay together.

In short, he feels emasculated and this has filtered into lots of different parts of our relationship, including a much reduced sex life. I accept that my behaviour have led to or worsened this. My job means I have to be strong, confident and in control. I have probably attempted to use a lot of the "tools" I employ to succeed at work within our marriage, and that has NOT worked well. I see that now.

I watched John Wineland's "What Men Crave" ten minute talk and it was like a lightbulb moment. My husband has actually told me all these things, just in different ways that I didn't take time to listen to and understand.

I don't think it's a bad thing for a husband to want to lead or feel like a hero or all those other cheesy things. Especially if that is what he feels is missing in his marriage. I think it IS possible for me to surrender to my femininity while still being strong, assured and confident. Submission and surrender are different in my eyes now. Deep down, I actually do want to surrender at times as I am exhausted from constantly fighting to control every little thing.

But how do I do this? Has anyone else recognised this and actively made this change? I'm not even sure where to start in a practical sense.

What all men crave. No need- crave.

Joy, how is that not a feminist issue?

Christ on a bike and Jesus in a side car that video is some seriously woman hating shit.
Fucking hell.

The only redemption is that it isn't British. It's straight out of the American style religious surrendered wife motivational seminar bollocks.

Did you get as far as the bit where he went all head tilt dewy eyed over the hula dancers?

Oh god, I had to go back and hear about the hula dancers, is given up before that - that was epic.

He's like the Misogynist Messiah. "Let us feel the ocean in your hips" 😂 WTF? 😂

And all that moaning he did, oh my god.

"We are simple."

Yes, yes you are simple, that was probably his only genuinely accurate bit of insight.

Anyone who gives any credibility at all to this asinine backwards farce should have their head examined.

Oh fuck, no. Missed that bit. The 'we are simple' thing is fake self-deprecating nonsense. Subtext: what men want is so simple - how are you women still getting it wrong? Must be you being weeeird...

BertrandRussell: Should have written 'need' really.

Yeah I know he wasn't using "simple" in the British way (i.e. a few sandwiches short of a full picnic) but still it made me laugh that he said "we are simple"

I think you're over-complicating things by seeing this as a problem of intrinsic personality characteristics, rather than just about straightforward conflct management techniques and behaviours.

If I've understood your challenge correctly, there isn't enough compromise and collaboration in your marriage. You tend to take the lead in everything and your husband feels that he is not an equal participant.

If I've understood correctly, why not just behave more collaboratively? You don't have to "submit" to do that, just behave like an adult?

I loved "Don't settle for our bullshit." About the only sensible thing he said!

I am commenting on the balance of personalities within a relationship, not offering a social commentary based on a video I have no interest in watching.

Sounds like you are a bit domineering. Perhaps just try to tone that down a bit and be more collaborative on decision making rather than surrendering yourself. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

"I am commenting on the balance of personalities within a relationship, not offering a social commentary based on a video I have no interest in watching."

Fair enough. The video is rather what the thread's about, though. A bit strange to declare it not a feminist issue when you haven't watched it!

BertrandRussell:

^^

Ridiculous responses on this thread, really just for posters to prove their "feministy" right-on sweary street-cred. A case of much heat generated but no light shed. I hope things get better for you OP.

Why are the responses ridiculous Orange? Because you don't agree with them?

A bit strange to declare it not a feminist issue when you haven't watched it!

As a said before, I didn't declare the video wasn't a feminist issue as I hadn't watched it. I declared the issues on the OP's relationship weren't a feminist issue, they are a product of personalities. All of my comments are regarding the OP's relationship, not the video.

As it is, I've just watched the video and it's the 50 shades of shit I was expecting!

The guy has obviously been to the Tony Blair school of presenting with all the dramatic pauses and breathing going on and my DH cocked an eyebrow at the crap he was spouting and I've had to explain why I bothered to watch it

I'm impressed that some of you watched it all the way through. I'm afraid I made it to 9 seconds when he said that men were subdued at asking for what they want.

At which point I realised that he either lives on another planet or is talking bollocks.

Of course he's talking bollocks and it's demeening to men. If any of the men in my family were like this the women in their lives would have destroyed them. These so called men are very much in the minority in many parts (although not all unfortunately) of the world. It's an arsehole issue, and decent men are just as bemused as women are at them

There's feminism and there's chivalry.

My hubby makes most of our decisions. Mainly because he's more particular than me and sees it as his job to protect the family unit.

Partly because I'm so easy going I couldn't give a crap about the small details.

For example, he likes to sort out the bills, choose suppliers and get the best offers. Whereas there's nothing more daunting to me than to do that. It works for us. If I put my foot down he always listens. But that rarely happens.

You need to sacrifice decisions that are the least important to you. From your perspective he's doing you a favour and from his, he gets to make some of the decisions.

"There's feminism and there's chivalry."

What does this mean?

For example, he likes to sort out the bills, choose suppliers and get the best offers. Whereas there's nothing more daunting to me than to do that. It works for us

Exactly. Likewise in many relationships, but not because of gender or inequality.

My DH and I have differing priorities too and are good at different things. I do the decorating, traditionally a male role, because I notice it and I'm good at it due to being a property developer. I've never cleaned the windows because it's not what I notice but DH does because it bothers him. We specialise in our strengths and what's important to us. I don't huff and puff at him not noticing a room needs doing, he doesn't worry that he's always the one to be cleaning the UPVC and windows.

What's important to each of us differs and key thing is in understanding that and not making it about feminism when it's actually about the dynamics of 2 individuals and how the relate to one another.

Well, yeah, obviously. In a normal couple each play to their strengths. But that's not what the OP was on about.
She said her actions are making her husband feel emasculated, and she is wondering if she should "surrender" like a proper woman in order for him to save their relationship.
That's a bit different to "you do the bins and i'll clean the bathroom".

But in this instance, it is about feminism, because the OP watched the video and thought it was a good idea.
And My husband has actually told me all these things, just in different ways that I didn't take time to listen to and understand.
I'd be interested to know what he thinks about the video

Does anyone remember when no one on MN said "hubby"?
I do.
I feel old.

Be open about your insecurities or things that are bugging you, and let him try to comfort you. Accept his help. It would be healthier for you as well as feeling good for him!