New boyf says I 'talk at him' :-(

[annabananna82]

So been seeing a new boyf for the last 2months...

It's got pretty intense quick and although at the beginning i was very much wanting to take things slow I must admit I've found that quite hard and I've fallen hard

Seems we both feel the same although it's early days

Anyway we've had now 3 silly arguments
One was very very silly but he said something about not getting a word in
The second was quite bad where he ended up leaving my flat when we was supposed to be saying
And the third was last night

In a nut shell, he says something
I take it the wrong way ( for some unknown reason ) and he then says I talk at him ? It's got to the point where the second time I thought maybe I did so this time I've tried not
To - I explained it's just the way I talk and he then accused me of being aggressive !! Must admit it really got my back up as I think aggressive quite a strong word

In my defence I was just literally getting my point across so I agreed and said yes I'm upset and being passionate as we are in an argument?!

Later he's all calmer saying how unfair and unreasonable I was being?!

Apart from an early relationship which I'm fully aware of am I right to be concerned ?

My mum said
Be wary that i can't even talk and get my point across? Surely there should be some boundary
Did I cross it?
Just maybe I'm over thinking it

We've texted this morning but it's short and although he says let's just forget about it I feel hurt ( I know he does too ) as last time he said it's not all about me ?! I said I'm aware of that but telling someone how YOU feel
Doesn't mean your not appreciating their feelings too

Thanks for reading xx

The pedestal is a very dangerous place to be. It means you cannot help but fall. And the man who puts you on it doesn't see you as a real person.

I very much doubt that he had any intention of returning to his old sport, it was an attempt to get a reaction and make you jealous.

It worked, he got the reaction he wanted and he was then able to turn the tables on you and make you question yourself.

He's very manipulative and controlling, he'll wear you down if you let him.

I find the whole "someone's going to steal you from me", "your male friends on fb are going to ask you out" thing really insulting. Does he think you are some kind of object that is passed from man to man? Does he think you have your own free will and your own moral standards, or does he think that you will just do whatever any man asks you to do? To me, these comments aren't romantic, rather they something negative about his attitude to women...

Does he think you are some kind of object that is passed from man to man?

That is literally what men like this think.

Hmm I agree

He even sent me pics of houses saying he might be buying them
Which to be fair, he did say he is looking when we met but the town he lives in is far from mine so I've thought maybe is another tactic like the sport thing to see what my reaction is

Yes I agree about the narcissistic comments...he happens to know a lot about it?! When he has paid me all these compliments I've often thought well he doesn't really know me so they aren't very flattering

OP you're getting some great advice here. Your boyfriend sounds exactly like my ex (if he was 10 years younger). I wish I'd read what Gallavich has just said before I got involved with him. It's totally spot on.

All this shit 2 months in?

His 'insecurities' are his baggage to deal with. Not for you to fix.

His ex was a narcissist, my jiggly arse. I'd love to hear her side

I think you both sound insecure and a bit naive about relationships.

At 2 months, it doesn't matter which leisure activities he takes part in. Commitment is waaaay down the line especially because you have a child..you need to be sure and you don't sound sure . That's enough.

He is also excessively jealous and is testing you.

I also think lots of texts back and forth aren't a great sign. In your thirties, you've seen a bit more. You should be playing it cool.

I would back off romantic relationships for a while and boost your confidence and enjoy your child

Yeah this has actually made me feel unsettled and insecure since this has happened and I agree with the contact texts
I don't actually like it

I just wish I said something sooner and made it clear I didn't want a relationship but I feel I feel for his loveliness

Don't feel bad for being taken in. It's because you are basically a decent person and expect others to be decent too. But don't ignore what you know now, that would be foolish.

My dear, you have been targeted by an individual with an agenda.

His agenda is to acquire a being in his life to make him feel better about himself. Someone he can feel more powerful than, someone he can feel that he influences and controls. Someone he can make adore him because he needs to be adored.

Fuck what that being wants, that's irrelevant. There is a hole in his life, where an adoring public needs to be and he's chosen YOU. Aren't you lucky?

You are vulnerable, you need to be loved and to have someone to love. Your value of you as a person is diminished for whatever reason and you have been conditioned into giving your all to make things work. I could be projecting here, but this is what led me to suffer for over a decade. Worse, I have inflicted this creature on my son, he has a crap dad because I didn't value myself.

You have seen this isn't right, your instincts are better than mine were!

it won't be easy for you to extricate yourself, but you know you absolutely have to. You also know that you are not crazy in doing this, no matter what he's going to hit back with. You also know you are not alone and can post here 24 hours a day if you need to and someone will be here to hold your hand.

Run.

Thankfully, you appear to be coming to terms with the fact that he needs to become a new ex boyfriend.

There's an awful lot of unloveliness mixed in with that loveliness and it will never get better.

He might have felt more bamboozled, rather then on the receiving end of aggression but just not be able to articulate it properly. Maybe his parents resolve issues calmly and without interruption so he finds the intense interaction with you overwhelming and not the norm.

Yes, the house thing is more bait. Leave it. If you feel it necessary to say something, go with something indifferent and simple and say the exact same thing every time. "That's nice." This may trigger him then you can say "what exactly do you want me to say?" But just from this... Why get into it at all? Don't start, don't respond in the first place.
Are you still responding to his communications?

Yeah that's what I did
I went yeah it's nice, you have options

Yeah we are still talking atm

Just having a step back and taking all this in atm

If he thinks I've backed off then I will just tell him why but at the mo I just wanna take a step back

You can taper off.

Be busy (literally or figuratively). Your schedule is full.
Respond in ten words or less.
Be less available.

Yeah that's what I'm doing

The least stressful way possible

I'm already drained from it all

Thanks everyone xx

You do not need to tell him why. He won't accept any explanation so, again, don't go down that route. This isn't up for debate.
The old stand by "it's not you, it's me," is perfect here. And this is true because you are not doing the doormat character he wants you to become.