New boyf says I 'talk at him' :-(

[annabananna82]

So been seeing a new boyf for the last 2months...

It's got pretty intense quick and although at the beginning i was very much wanting to take things slow I must admit I've found that quite hard and I've fallen hard

Seems we both feel the same although it's early days

Anyway we've had now 3 silly arguments
One was very very silly but he said something about not getting a word in
The second was quite bad where he ended up leaving my flat when we was supposed to be saying
And the third was last night

In a nut shell, he says something
I take it the wrong way ( for some unknown reason ) and he then says I talk at him ? It's got to the point where the second time I thought maybe I did so this time I've tried not
To - I explained it's just the way I talk and he then accused me of being aggressive !! Must admit it really got my back up as I think aggressive quite a strong word

In my defence I was just literally getting my point across so I agreed and said yes I'm upset and being passionate as we are in an argument?!

Later he's all calmer saying how unfair and unreasonable I was being?!

Apart from an early relationship which I'm fully aware of am I right to be concerned ?

My mum said
Be wary that i can't even talk and get my point across? Surely there should be some boundary
Did I cross it?
Just maybe I'm over thinking it

We've texted this morning but it's short and although he says let's just forget about it I feel hurt ( I know he does too ) as last time he said it's not all about me ?! I said I'm aware of that but telling someone how YOU feel
Doesn't mean your not appreciating their feelings too

Thanks for reading xx

Ok to clear some things up

Up until this point I thought we were on the same page so the comment re getting back into this sport yes has concerned me and yes maybe my tone wasn't positive so I accept that

I have a 5 yr old daughter so I know how hard having this type of commitment with children don't work! Will it could work but will be an added stress
Obviously I wanna do right by her so yes I'm questioning if he is going to be the right match for me/us

Well he's 37 and I'm 34 so adding years on me lol!
He isn't fussed about children
Neither am I having anymore as I'm content with my lo
We've had that chat and we've said never say never

He is actually living at home with his mum at the mo - pulls a cringey face waiting for the comments to this lol

He's wanting to buy a home so has gone back home to save money

As for the other fed flags don't wanna say now lol !

Umm .....basically he is insecure because of his ex - so he tells me - you might remember my other post if anyone from this post has answered on my other post - it was me asking if something is normal...
He basically is just quite insecure and was worried when i had a night out with the girls

To be fair I was going to do an update on that post it was actually fine and when he came over the next day he didn't quiz me at all and yes we texted a lot in the night but I was ok with that as generally we do talk lots in the day

He doesn't love you. No man who loves you will speak to you with such contempt. Sounds like he's trying to mold you into a meek little woman who never answers back.

Run.

I remember your 'night out with the girls' post, and thought then that he sounded like hard work.

Explaining the sport to you would probably have been lengthy and taken the discussion off at a tangent. It is a valid discussion to have but probably not within the context of the conversation you were having at the time.

You agree that your actions matched the profile of aggressive behaviour, it sounds as though he is trying to set boundaries of how he finds it acceptable for you to talk to/with him which isn't a bad thing at the start of a relationship IMO. You just have to decide whether that's doable and most important is it fair i.e. is he expecting that if he disagrees with you he can get argumentative while if you disagree with him you should remain totally calm.

Ah, it's that one. I remember that thread.

I don't like the sound of you. He's already trying to change you, making you doubt yourself. This is not how it should be, especially so early on

Blokes sometimes try to shut a woman up, or make her feel she's in the wrong, by saying she's 'aggressive' when she's just being a bit assertive. In don't know if that's the case here or not, just saying you don't have to accept this label if you feel it was unjust.

Blokes sometimes try to shut a woman up, or make her feel she's in the wrong, by saying she's 'aggressive' when she's just being a bit assertive.

I've met plenty of 'assertive' people it can come across as aggressive and then they justify it with 'I'm only being assertive'

2 months in, 3 rows and "insecure" and paranoid when you have one night out with your friends?

Get rid.

You often find that controlling men will push a relationship faster than it would normally go, so that fits the MO too.

Seriously walk away. This will only get worse. As others have said, if he can be like this after 2 months what the hell will he be like in 2 years?

Oh and I was accused of being aggressive and shouty by an ex. Basically what he meant was that he was allowed to shout and criticise and do what he liked but I was not allowed to speak up, speak my mind or defend myself against his accusations otherwise I was being aggressive.

He was a controlling selfish prick too. Couldnt understand why I dumped him though, as he was such a prize according to his downtrodden Mother....... She probably wanted shot of him too and had pinned her hopes on me taking him off her hands!

You're just too much like hard work.

I think it's a new relationship and you're coming over a controlling to him, he says he wants to go back to his sport again and you immediately think about how it'll eat into your time with him.

I don't see this relationship lasting.

Your justification for him being insecure due to ex gf is a bright shiny ruby red flag.

No one makes you the way you are, each of us have a responsibility to own our actions.

A good relationships helps us to heal some emotional triggers, not by accommodating or excusing but gently working with us.
I do think your last argument is a sign of how things will continue. The conflict isn't the issue but yours and his ability to fix it.

You are on MN getting advice, spoke to your mum..do you really think he is taking some responsibility for his side, reflecting on his behaviour, asking a brother if he was out of order? Or has be decided you are aggressive so you need to change?

Change because you recognise some behaviours that you would like to modify (maybe others have said similar stuff to you) but don't change because he tells you that you are wrong. That is the way to a controlling relationship

None of it is his fault is it? Have you noticed that?

Its his ex's fault for presumably cheating on him or lying to him. Your fault for being "aggressive" and arguing with him. Not his fault for being paranoid, controlling and needy is it?

As Hermione said, you can bet your backside he isnt going through a self examination to see where he is lacking. No, far easier to blame everyone else and expect them to change.

He's just come over for a chat

Well he's all down and gloomy

Taken back the aggressive comment only coz I said it was so upsetting

He has a massive issue taking any responsibility and I said let's just meet each other half way but he's very very subdued and it's left me thinking wtf

I agree with most the posters thank you

He has a massive issue taking any responsibility and I said let's just meet each other half way but he's very very subdued and it's left me thinking wtf

Because you havent immediately backed down and agreed that its all your fault.

Remember that this is the honeymoon period. This is the absolute best time in any relationship, before familiarity and day to day lives and rent and bills and kids and jobs all rear their heads.

So what you have now is as good as it is ever going to be with him. And it aint great is it?

I echo what I said on your previous thread about him. This is your second thread about him and you have been together two months. Surely that tells you enough.

Yeah your right

Why did one post say you don't like the sound of me? Seriously I'm on here so I can get advice and if it's me that needs to change - i.e. To a degree yes I do get passionate and I did raise my voice and I'm willing to work on that but to say you didn't like the sounds of me? And the hard work comment?
I thought I was fairly laid back and my new boy seems very sensitive and not something I'm used to

He has also questioned my Facebook boy mates as he said his previous gf made him feel insecure, dressed up wearing next to nothing when she went out, loved boys attention, had lots boys on her fb, I've reassured by saying the boys on my fb are friends only and I don't have lots and lots

The other days message was
Baby your not going to start getting more boy friend requests are you?!
I was like no what the hell? To which he replied sorry he's just scarred from the past

To be honest we've been speaking since December and been together for 2 months and it's only lately he's started to get this insecurity
Like I know he had a bad ex - or so he says - only heard one side but I've said sometimes he isn't judging me on me it's his ex

Maybe she used to speak to him badly so now in any conflict he can't handle it ? I don't think I was that bad last night?

I don't know yeah I suppose two threads in two months isn't good
Just a shame as don't wanna bin something as he has a slight insecurity which can be worked on over time he will see I'm trust worthy and last night hopefully a one off

We are still getting to know each other so I guess only time will tell?

And nope I honestly do not think he is doing any reflecting at all! I think he thinks it's all me
I even said that to him when he came over
So if he does think it's all my fault it's very easy - its not
If he thinks it is then it's not going to work
To scared to say -anything or have an opinion is not my idea of a fair relationship
So as I say maybe only time will tell xx

I think we know him well enough to know that you listen to advice on here and on your last post.
Get rid!
This WILL GET WORSE!!!

Well at the moment I will let him lick his wounds as it sounds like he may call it a day with me?! Which is ridiculous as I don't feel I've done anything

I've texted him saying
Hey baby we will be ok xx
Kind of thing and he said
I really hope so...
I mean god he's on a downer and I'm like just be positive ?! I mean it's only us that can make it work

He was saying I don't wanna be in a relationship that leads to arguing and then saying how calm cool collected he was being but the thing is
He wasn't!! I was not arguing with myself?! That's when I said look I'm sorry for my part meet me half way

Mmm hard work so early on
God

Thanks peeps xx

Hmm, I am always very wary of defensive and blame avoidant men. They never make the best partners.

And to clarify who called me controlling for him mentioning he may go back to a sport he used to do
I have NO problem with it at all?!
I just meant I have a lo and it's a new relationship so if it's going to take all this time up it's something I need to be aware of
This sport requires him to go away and travel so if it's something he is going back to then at 2m into a relationship yes it's something that needs to be discussed

This is like watching a drunk man get into his car and not being able to stop him drive off.

We all know its going to end in a horrible car crash but the only person who cant see it is the driver. OP, that driver is you.

His insecurity will not improve with time. Every time you reassure him it will give him "proof" that his insecurity is justified. Every time you forgive him blaming you for everything he will take is as justification for blaming you. Everytime you brush his shitty behaviour under the carpet it will increase.

All ready you are talking about having to show him you are trustworthy. You are already changing your behaviour and turning yourself inside out in order to try and get him to be reasonable. And it isnt working, because it will never work. He will always be like this, and you will always feel like this, and worse, as long as you are with him.

But you know what? We will still be here when you finally come to your senses and bin him off.

Yeah me too
My ex was an abusive ass and ok completely different to new boyf on many levels
Like my ex wasn't insecure, emotional and sensitive like this new guy...wow
It's partly what has attracted me to him as I do feel we have a connection
So chalk and cheese
But my ex WAS very aggressive and when I met new boyf he knew all of this...as we were friends first for a month or so before we got together

By ex never took any blame never said sorry
New boy isn't as bad but yeah not taking any blame concerns me too
Hence why I'm on here

Aww pyon your right aren't you ...
I was so so low in my last relationship I'm so strong now I Don't wanna go back...
I have constant anxiety since last night and this man has made me son so happy up until now
Thing is he thinks the problem is me not his insecurity
Really that's another issue
He said he didn't settle until I got home and I think he was only ok coz we texted loads - which was fine I was ok doing it but I just thought next time I go out he will be fine
Which is few and far between tbh