New boyf says I 'talk at him' :-(

[annabananna82]

So been seeing a new boyf for the last 2months...

It's got pretty intense quick and although at the beginning i was very much wanting to take things slow I must admit I've found that quite hard and I've fallen hard

Seems we both feel the same although it's early days

Anyway we've had now 3 silly arguments
One was very very silly but he said something about not getting a word in
The second was quite bad where he ended up leaving my flat when we was supposed to be saying
And the third was last night

In a nut shell, he says something
I take it the wrong way ( for some unknown reason ) and he then says I talk at him ? It's got to the point where the second time I thought maybe I did so this time I've tried not
To - I explained it's just the way I talk and he then accused me of being aggressive !! Must admit it really got my back up as I think aggressive quite a strong word

In my defence I was just literally getting my point across so I agreed and said yes I'm upset and being passionate as we are in an argument?!

Later he's all calmer saying how unfair and unreasonable I was being?!

Apart from an early relationship which I'm fully aware of am I right to be concerned ?

My mum said
Be wary that i can't even talk and get my point across? Surely there should be some boundary
Did I cross it?
Just maybe I'm over thinking it

We've texted this morning but it's short and although he says let's just forget about it I feel hurt ( I know he does too ) as last time he said it's not all about me ?! I said I'm aware of that but telling someone how YOU feel
Doesn't mean your not appreciating their feelings too

Thanks for reading xx

I've texted him saying call me later so we can have a chat.....

Please take a break from dating and men until you start learning some better boundaries. Do the Freedom Programme.

Yeah I will

I have a laptop now so will do it

I did look at it before and i have been meaning to

'I've texted him saying call me later so we can have a chat.....'

All he'll do is talk you round because you haven't learned to recognise abuse and its signs, say 'NO, this isn't for me,' and then block/cut the person out of your life.

As I said he is the one mad at me at the mo so I don't think he will

Don't see why you feel you owe him a 'chat'. Just text and cut loose. Why do you feel the need to give him yet another chance to manipulate you?

But you're still passively waiting for him to decide to be with you or not. How about you make a decision?

Please communicate in a forward direction! Stop inviting him to challenge you!

Call me for a chat? No. I need to cancel plans for tomorrow, and at the weekend tbh.

I need some time to myself.
I've realised im not ready for a relationship, so I need to call it a day between us.

I'm sorry if you feel let down, but I know it's the right thing to do.

You can even say sorry, as I said, but your decision is made.

Please don't blame yourself for this, it's not you who has done wrong, far from it, you're doing the right thing for yourself and your dc. This is important.

Until we fix the vulnerabilities that attract manipulative people - setting boundaries for how we are treated, making sure we have real respect and freedom, it's like there is a beacon calling them. Do the freedoms prog and it creates a shield that repels these types and keeps us safe from the ones so nasty they can't even be much bothered to try to be nice.

It's not a fix all, but it's a start

Why do you need to discuss things with him? He's clearly manipulative so talking to him about the situation isn't going to get you anywhere other than you doubting yourself more.

These men are total mind fucks. Talking doesn't work. If you truly want to leave you have to make your mind up by yourself and then stick to it. Discussing it with him will end in you staying together because he'll say everything he can to convince you to stay but then nothing will change.

Forget the good things and focus solely on the bad because if you stay as time goes by its the bad that you'll be seeing more and more until the good things are a distant memory.

"He has also questioned my Facebook boy mates as he said his previous gf made him feel insecure, dressed up wearing next to nothing when she went out, loved boys attention, had lots boys on her fb."

Or to put this another way:

He didn't like the fact that his ex wore what she like. He didn't like her going out with her friends. He didn't like her having friends of the opposite sex.

And 8 weeks in, he's already trying to control you in the same way.

Does he have only male friends on his FB?

I'm glad to hear you're seeing things a bit more clearly now. Best of luck with the next few days.

I just wanted to add, I have been the 'insecure' one before. My ex was an asshole to me in many ways, and when I got together with my current partner I had very low self esteem and a lot of insecurities.

He has a LOT of female friends, and I was a bit worried about some of them to begin with.

What did I do? I spoke to him about it, explained how I knew it was silly but it was just the way I was feeling. He listened, reassured me I had nothing to worry about, and made arrangements for me to meet them as and when it seemed appropriate. Things are fantastic now and many of those women are now good friends of mine too.

What did I NOT do? I did not tell him he couldn't be friends with any more girls on Facebook. I didn't try to police his friendships and I certainly didn't get arsey about him having a night out and insist that he keep in constant contact with me.

What I'm trying to say is that insecurity is one thing, and it can be helpful to acknowledge it and work on it. But using that insecurity as an excuse to control someone else is still not OK.

2 months in!!???
Fucking hell...run like the wind!

As I said he is the one mad at me at the mo so I don't think he will

He will. The being mad at you is part of the training to eventually isolate you. So as it isn't working, he will be desperate to chat once he realises.
He is not really mad. It is just an excuse to start reining you in.

God just reading your posts made me exhausted, it must be exhausting for you to be in this relationship! It really shouldn't be like this so early on, it's supposed to be fun. I couldn't be arsed truthfully

Just because you happened to bump into him town is still not a good reason to then decide to allow him to spend planned time with your child.

The reason to not let men into your child's life in a mere matter of weeks is because it gives you time to see possible red flags, then the pattern - and then get rid - all before your daughter gets dragged into it.

Have some key phrases ready for the chat:

I am not ready for a new relationship yet.

I've realised this relationship isn't what I want.

It's not you, it's me.

Know how you will end the conversation. Plan it. He might want to keep you on the phone for ages until you are browbeaten. You will probably have to hang up before he wants to. Probably at the end of one of your own sentences.

I understand what you are saying but I still don't want to continue the relationship. Good luck for the future. Goodbye. Don't wait for a response. Hang up.

This conversation isn't helping. It's over. I don't want to do this any more. I won't change my mind. I wish you all the best in the future. I am going to hang up now. Goodbye.

Stop feeling bad about how your decision will impact on him. I don't see him doing that. All he's doing is feeling sorry for himself and blaming everyone around him for everything that's gone on in his life. Just tell him it all seems a bit stressful, neither of you need that, and it would be better to go back to being friends. Text that instead of having a 'chat'.

What Hissy said.
The mirroring-so agreeable that you are a perfect match: this is definitely a "too good to be true" scene. This is a foundation on shifting sand.

The emotional roller coaster (and he certainly didn't waste any time cranking it up) is exhausting and will wear you down so far that you won't have any emotion left at all-this is what he is aiming for so he can have his way without any sort of participation, comment, or question from you about it. And on the flip side-you will be expected to go dormant when not in his company so you won't risk disturbing his fragile insecurities. That is some Teddy Bear Love in that you will exist only for him and only when he decides to give you attention.

You so seriously do not need him. I am glad you are going to detach yourself. You have your dd and your mum so you are not alone. I agree with the pp that he may have targeted you because of your dd. This is not to say that he is a pediofile (although that has happened that way) but rather being so great with the child will be another layer of manipulation to make it more difficult for you to walk away the longer it goes on. A spontaneous meeting in a store would not justify further contact between bf and child, imho.

I've just had another thought...

This is abuser 101.

My ex used to tell me I have a mans voice (ok it's not tinkly or fluffy, but it's not a mans voice).

He used to mine turning down the volume, latterly most times I'd be speaking to him.

Men like him, and this idiot do this to turn our own volume down, to wear us down to nothing.

It's one of the most damaging things they do, and one of the hardest things to recover from.

Please tell me you haven't fallen for his snot and tears routine? Please tell me you ended this last night op?

Hi

No I haven't just yet...

But I do get what everyone is saying

Just feel a bit down and exhausted and I didn't have the energy to talk to him last night - even by text so I just had an early night

I just need to take all this in and get it clear in my head first so I can move forward

I just wanted to check this man is going to be committed to me

That leapt out at me from early on in the thread. You're only two months in OP. It's way too early to be worrying about commitment. It should still be fun at this stage add it isn't.

I've known him for 18yrs I know some Of his family ? I went to school with his best friend - we lost contact for 18yrs as I moved out of town

So how do you know him for 18 years if you were out of contact for 18 years? Do you mean you met him 18 years ago?

If so you don't know him at all. Anyway I see you're going to dump him, which is for the best.

No I guess I don't know him....

I understand what everyone is saying I do

Just seen this post on fb from baggage reclaim and thought it was quite true

Apart from I don't want to look for another relationship

Letting go is hard to do but when you keep chasing this 'connection' you think that you have, despite how much pain it causes, it disconnects you from yourself plus it cuts you off from being available for a healthier, genuinely loving relationship..

Always had a thought why is it going so fast ? Why is he sooo perfect? The things he's done honestly, like it's too much you know ?
I was swept away by it all...
Poem on Valentine's Day
Flowers
Waiting on my hand and foot
Feels like at times he's put me on a pedestals
Can't believe I'm with you
Someone's gunna take you away from me
I've never loved anyone like you
Talks about a connection
I just thought I found my soul mate but I should have listened to my gut
He talks about his ex being a narcissist so I thought he was one of the good ones?!

He's like that because he wants you to become emotionally dependent and addicted to his 'highs' so that he can control you and keep you where he wants you. He wants you focused only on him and his wishes and not going out with friends, family, talking to other men.
I bet you £100 that him saying his ex was a narcissist is pure projection and it's him who is the narcissist.

Men who are unnaturally full on from the start are dishonest
They are creating a false intimacy that is not grounded in a true knowledge of you or themselves. They are reaching out to meet a need in themselves by using you as collateral. They are dangerous.