New boyf says I 'talk at him' :-(

[annabananna82]

So been seeing a new boyf for the last 2months...

It's got pretty intense quick and although at the beginning i was very much wanting to take things slow I must admit I've found that quite hard and I've fallen hard

Seems we both feel the same although it's early days

Anyway we've had now 3 silly arguments
One was very very silly but he said something about not getting a word in
The second was quite bad where he ended up leaving my flat when we was supposed to be saying
And the third was last night

In a nut shell, he says something
I take it the wrong way ( for some unknown reason ) and he then says I talk at him ? It's got to the point where the second time I thought maybe I did so this time I've tried not
To - I explained it's just the way I talk and he then accused me of being aggressive !! Must admit it really got my back up as I think aggressive quite a strong word

In my defence I was just literally getting my point across so I agreed and said yes I'm upset and being passionate as we are in an argument?!

Later he's all calmer saying how unfair and unreasonable I was being?!

Apart from an early relationship which I'm fully aware of am I right to be concerned ?

My mum said
Be wary that i can't even talk and get my point across? Surely there should be some boundary
Did I cross it?
Just maybe I'm over thinking it

We've texted this morning but it's short and although he says let's just forget about it I feel hurt ( I know he does too ) as last time he said it's not all about me ?! I said I'm aware of that but telling someone how YOU feel
Doesn't mean your not appreciating their feelings too

Thanks for reading xx

Jesus Christ woman get some self respect! This is a wrong un. He is not a good man or a good boyfriend. You have a child, open your eyes or you will sleep walk into an abusive relationship. Are you so desperate for a man that you will overlook his many many glaring flaws?

No I'm not desperate lol

I'm happy to be single

This guy I knew years ago and we reconnected on fb
Then got together but it's moved very quick

Why because he's insecure?

Emotional abuse is far more insidious than physical and verbal abuse because it fucks with your mind. You are not sure if it really is them, maybe it is you,maybe you are the crazy one......its absolutely horrible. You do feel like you are losing your mind.

You have only been with him 2 months and already you are questioning yourself, whether you are as bad as he says, whether you should change to make him happy.

Yep, sounds like my OH. We've been together 8 years and adore each other. We've had some massive rows due to a totally different style of communication in the past. It's got a lot better now, although still happens when we are both stress.

The issue is that I'm like you. I am naturally very expressive and although I am naturally quite a calm person and don't get angry easily, but when I build things up, I suddenly feel a urge to explain how I feel and it comes out in a way that I don't think is aggressive but is taken as such by my OH. He says I get my machine gun out!

The problem is that when I have things on my chest, I need to discuss them. My OH on the other hand hate discussions about 'issues' and automatically considers them confrontation. He is the type to need to take things in, and then take time to process it all and come up with solutions, whereas for me, by the time the discussion has taken place, I have already gone through that whole process and want resolution, or at least some progress, there and then.

It normally goes like this: Somethings he's done or say (or hasn't) has built up, then he suddenly says/does one more thing and I respond in a snappy way (or at least not in my normal go lucky way). He right away gets on the defensive and respond aggressively himself. I say that we need to talk about it, he says that he has nothing to say, I get frustrated, he wants to end the discussion, I want him to react, he wants to run away. He does, I get upset, we don't talk!

I've now learnt that the way to go about it is to raise issues before they build up and do so in as much of a calm way as I can. I put the facts in front of him but do so in a way that I don't make it out it's all his fault. I then leave it to that and move on to another topic of discussion. Almost inevitably, it will be him who will bring up the matter again after a couple of days with suggestions of how to make things better. This way, he feels he is in control and it makes him happier!

We still go through periods when we are at each other's throats, but we take it in our stride knowing that it doesn't in any way change our love and devotion to each other.

I agree that having heated arguments after 2 months is not very promising for the future, but again, maybe it is because you both need to adapt to each other's way of communicating. The question is whether you can or not.

Moving quickly is a classic abuse tactic.

Get you embroiled with romance and declarations of love and "whirlwind" type stuff and before you know it, you are living with a man who doesnt let you see your friends or go out on your own or live your own life because he is "insecure".

He isnt insecure, he is demanding controlling and needy.

He's not right for you. You need someone who's your equal in argument or in agreement. The talking at him thing could be real or it could be a tactic to shut you up. Either way he's not right.

metro.co.uk/2016/06/03/here-are-the-early-signs-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship-5922364/

Just from what you have posted on here, you have got 6 off this list.

Think about it.

Oh my god your sound like me lol

Yeah I just think we do have different styles of communication

Thing is early days or not
We have such a deep connection
I do feel I'm falling in love with him
He has exactly the same morals beliefs as I do
We got on sooo well
We see each other a few times a week when we can but when we do we are constantly talking...finishing each other's sentences, we completely ignore the tv and just talk for hours...if we go out we lose track of time...he can't keep his hands of me and the sex is amazing...we don't stop cuddling and it's very intense he he met my lo who he's amazing with and they get on like a house on fire...literally feel like I've met my soul mate....
Then the 3 times in the 4 months in total we have been talking - we've had 3 silly disagreements which I've said we just need to get to know each other which in a way I feel I've been complexly myself and he said he has too
We talk all day every day which I know someone said on my last post he's keeping tabs but we've always constantly texted
When he calls me we are on the phone for 1-2 hours at a time, we've spoken about everything! So that's why I feel annoyed we then let it get into a heated discussion
Which is why I suppose I feel I'm not ready to bin him
Xx

TBH I've really worried about how quick it's fine in relation to how full on he is with me
He's VERY full on
See my last message before this
But then I have responded
Is that normal? Like the stuff he says he worships the ground i work on
He's liked me for 18yrs, when we used to know each other and says stuff like I can't believe I'm with...then says my name ?

Oh pynon that post!!!!!

The things at the top yes I can relate to..not so much hating my friends
He lOVES my bf and he knows my ex hated her lol!!

But what's worrying and I'm going to get shot down for this
Deep breath

He HAS said about loving together
He has said he wishes he can go to bed with me and wake up with me every day which I just thought was sweet
And I do miss him when I don't see him

He spoke about being exclusive straight away and made a comment about my boy friends on fb
But then I was happy to be exclusive as I don't wanna be messed about so I thought we were on the same page
It's Is going very fast but I did feel
Ok with it it's only coz of the red flags I'm now worried

You male FB friends are still friends and he doesnt like them. How long before he asks you to delete them?

I've said already I won't delete them as to be honest when I split from my ex a few months ago (he knew I was with someone ) and I added some people I used to work with, as at the time I was single and just split from my ex - this is how we got back in contact lol!! and just got back in contact with some old faces - some girls and some boys. When he made the comment at the start of the relationship I nipped that in the bud
But I got a couple of messages-
Innocent friendly fb messages when he was over one weekend and he didn't like it
But I told them it was platonic and I'm not secretarive with my phone but we did have a conversation about yin being worried someone would ask me out?! But I've reassured him I'm happy with us and how they going x

You need to let go of the 'fact' that he is 'insecure'.

He is not insecure.

He is playing you like a fiddle. He wants you falling for him hard, whilst doing everything to help his 'insecurities'. For example, not going out with friends, not arguing with him, apologising when you do argue.....because it is your fault.

And in the meantime, he has started to set it up, that he gets a lot of 'me' time, doing his hobby.

Honestly, it's like watching a predator manipulate his prey.

And not only are they clueless they are the prey, they are clueless that he is a predator.

Please extract yourself, before he devours your soul and ruins your dc.

^^this, with bells on

He's a gaslighting , goady, abusuve arsehole. Run away now x
Speaking from experience

I agree with swingofthings...I don't think he is a write off at all.

Sounds like you both got defensive & neither would back down. Both wanted to discuss a pointless matter, which ended in "accusations" about how you deal with a discussion.

You both sound head strong which of course is no way a bad thing, I am too, I wouldn't change it however you both will have to find a balance.

My ex was the same, we constantly battled to come out on top.....lasted 8 months before he gave up (I won!!) lol that's a joke btw.

Admittedly I haven't RTFT, but as someone who partakes in a sport that is essentially a lifestyle as well as a sport/hobby I have to say I'd be running for the hills if someone I'd been dating for only 8 weeks started trying to control what I did in my free time.

Also FWIW it's totally possible to compete at a decent level and still have time for your partner/family. I train 6 days a week and see it as no different to those that hit the gym after work. I still see my DP, heck I still cook his dinner most nights, as well as having a fairly active social life. Whilst we don't have a family yet, many friends that compete do and whilst on occasion it requires a bit of juggling it's worth it.

Please stop putting this down to 'different communication types' or him being 'insecure'
He's controlling and emotionally abusive.

Oh and you need to take some responsibility as well, introducing him to your child already? Very quick. He is not the only one rushing things as you claim..

He is not insecure. If you think he is, then I'm sorry but you're not "strong" after your abusive relationship.
You're stronger yes - because you've got enough sense to post about it here!
But if you were back to a place of strength you'd say "fuck this" and break it off.

He really REALLY isn't trying to control you because he's insecure

He's being an arsehole, but he's managed to get you thinking about being dumped

And why the fuck has he met your daughter???!!!!! After 2 months? Come on.

By the time OH and I had been together two months, he had met my kids, we'd said we loved each other, had met each other's friends, were together every week-ends and during the week, and were about to go on our first week-end abroad.

So like you, it all happened very quickly but that's because we knew we were the right person for each other. Ironically, both of us are naturally very careful people who don't like to jump into things but in this instance, we both knew and that was that. Been together 8 years, married 3, very happy and settled in our marriage! Both very passionate though so when we argue, we do it properly! I used to get very emotional after a heated argument, persuaded that it was the end of our relationship. Now we just calm down and later laugh about our individual way of dealing with confrontation. We are who we are and love each other as we are!

Thing is he thinks the problem is me

Hmmm... when he isn't blaming you, he's blaming his ex-girlfriend as well, isn't he?

He isn't going to change - you will spend the rest of your days attempting to change yourself and your behaviour to try and make him happy.

Thing is he thinks the problem is me not his insecurity

You are not the problem.

He is not going to change, not matter what you do. It is controlling behaviour, not insecurity.

It's up to me when introduce my lo

She met him when I bumped into him in a shop in the town I used to live in
He then requested me on fb
So he has met her on outside grounds
So that's why the fuck he's met her