New boyf says I 'talk at him' :-(

[annabananna82]

So been seeing a new boyf for the last 2months...

It's got pretty intense quick and although at the beginning i was very much wanting to take things slow I must admit I've found that quite hard and I've fallen hard

Seems we both feel the same although it's early days

Anyway we've had now 3 silly arguments
One was very very silly but he said something about not getting a word in
The second was quite bad where he ended up leaving my flat when we was supposed to be saying
And the third was last night

In a nut shell, he says something
I take it the wrong way ( for some unknown reason ) and he then says I talk at him ? It's got to the point where the second time I thought maybe I did so this time I've tried not
To - I explained it's just the way I talk and he then accused me of being aggressive !! Must admit it really got my back up as I think aggressive quite a strong word

In my defence I was just literally getting my point across so I agreed and said yes I'm upset and being passionate as we are in an argument?!

Later he's all calmer saying how unfair and unreasonable I was being?!

Apart from an early relationship which I'm fully aware of am I right to be concerned ?

My mum said
Be wary that i can't even talk and get my point across? Surely there should be some boundary
Did I cross it?
Just maybe I'm over thinking it

We've texted this morning but it's short and although he says let's just forget about it I feel hurt ( I know he does too ) as last time he said it's not all about me ?! I said I'm aware of that but telling someone how YOU feel
Doesn't mean your not appreciating their feelings too

Thanks for reading xx

He does think it's me because that's how he seemed with me earlier

The big red flags here are about his possessiveness. He doesn't like you going out with the girls, he doesn't like you having male Facebook friends (and asked you not to add more? A decent man wouldn't care if you had thousands of male Facebook friends) and 'can't settle till you're home'. That is all a very bad lookout. He will soon be saying he doesn't like you going out anywhere without him. And this all because he's 'scarred from his past'? You are not his ex and he shouldn't blame you for what she did (if she really did, I'm cynical about that). He has the makings of a jealous possessive controlling man. Honestly, you'll find someone else who will be loving and good in bed but without all the stress.

Good in bed lol

Yeah I know..I suppose I do
Know all of this I just really like him and coz I've known of him I feel I know him more than just meeting a stranger you know

I've texted him saying
Hey baby we will be ok xx
Kind of thing and he said
I really hope so...

This conversation is 8 WEEKS in. WEEKS.

It sounds like the sort of thing a couple who have been through a tough couple of years say when they're finally coming out the other side.

This will be the script with the two of you forever, him dragging down the relationship with you trying to carry it for the both of you.

Hmm good point 😞

I've only read up to the reference to the other Is This Normal thread.
This is about power, as I said on the other thread. He baited you with his comment about returning to sport. Anyone would follow that comment with a question about it. He got to shoot you down because you wanted information that he had and he isn't going to give it to you. (And we can hear the Na Na Can't Make Me Tell You from here! He has the power. You contest the power. He re-strategizes to the poor insecure pup again. Can you not see through this yet?

His insecurities are his circus and his monkeys. Do not adapt or bend one iota for this controlling jerk.

As said on the previous thread, you have been warned.

If you do talk on and on, and I do not get the sense here that you do...then you would not be the kind of woman he would be interested in and not pursue you. Not shame you into silence.

The bad far outweighs the good op I hope you can see that, 8 weeks in and even though it's only 3 disagreements it's 3 too many for this length of time.

You are looking at it with rose tinted specs and with emotions, this is how people get into abusive or bad relationships as they allow or use their emotions to stay in it.

He is and will be controlling and not insecure.
He will keep tabs on your fb and conversations and probably give you miffed vibes until you eventually decide to stop doing it and not have male friends.

You will get tired of the arguments or general feeling and will eventually back down so that he wins and you are always wrong.
Same for your nights out even if you don't do them often you will do them a lot less or not at all.
He will basically control you with his mood"insecurities".

The hints at moving in would petrify me under these circumstances, he wants you all to himself really.

8 weeks in is when you are still testing the relationship potential and this one is failing, what will it be like 8 months in I dread to think.

You know him 5 minutes, he's mirroring you and showing you who he is. This soon in, he's barely a boyfriend.

This is all fake. It isn't like this in good relationships.

You're out of control and it's crashing around your ears

I've been with my boyf approaching a year, we have kids separately, with difficult ex partners who have tried to cause issues, not once have we had even miffed words.

My boyf was a little insecure at the outset, understandably he's had a tough time on and off and this was his first relationship post divorce.

He is however growing every day, as am I and we just get on. It's easy! Nobody's bothered about Facebook or email, we each know what the other is doing because we share, not because one keeps tabs.

Aim for contentment not rocket to the stars, there's only one way that's going to end and it's in a disaster.

He's an abusive bloke in waiting, he's bad news love and you have to be realistic. He could even be targeting you because of your child.

You might not want to hear it, but this doesn't make it any less true.

I'd say this should be your ex-boyfriend pretty quickly.

So what do I say to him? He supposed to be coming over tomorrow after work then we have plans the weekend?

He has no idea it will be over his insecurities as at the weekend when we was worried I was reassuring him ?

Op you've went from one abuser to another- you just don't see it because this one fits another profile. He doesn't like you going out with mates, doesn't like you having male friends, love bombed you and is now picking arguments with you to get you to toe the line just TWO MONTHS into your relationship. The guy has red flags all over him and you're worried you're the problem

Oh For fucks sake!

Sorry, OP, it you do sound desperate. Red flags waving, bells ringing all over the place, but you're just "I think might be falling for him so I'm sure it'll all be fine".

I mean, seriously?! Are you for real???

If you stay with him it'll be a new thread every month on this knob, I guarantee it. And it'll always be the bitch ex girlfriends fault, or yours. Jesus wept.

If you want to know what to say to him...Text him not to come over as you've been thinking and you're not really that into a relationship at the moment... Then delete him and move on....

Text him and say you'll need to cancel the plans for tomorrow and for the weekend.

Tell him you have decided that you're not going to take the relationship further. By all means say you're sorry and all that, but your mind is set and you won't be changing it.

Then block him.

I've known him for 18yrs I know some
Of his family ? I went to school with his best friend - we lost contact for 18yrs as I moved out of town
Since changing my surname when I married my lo dad I never stayed in contact with anyone then since bumping into a friend who knew him last summer and since becoming friends on fb he recognised my face obviously then we got back in contact in Dec - if it didn't work out I don't see why I should block him? I'm friends with his mutual friends and he's booked ticket for a concert this weekend for us ? So I feel slightly bad texting him saying it's over when I've been ok to now with his insecurities ?! I'm not desperate at all I just am human and don't think I should just finish it ?

if it didn't work out I don't see why I should block him?

Because he wont take no for an answer, you will harrassed and abused verbally/by text/PM

I'm friends with his mutual friends and he's booked ticket for a concert this weekend for us ? So I feel slightly bad texting him saying it's over when I've been ok to now with his insecurities ?! I'm not desperate at all I just am human and don't think I should just finish it ?

Then dont. But be aware of what you are walking into (and more importantly, what you will be subjecting your innocent child to). Emotional abuse, manipulation, gas lighting, guilt, threats (both explicit and implicit), isolation, loss of control over your own life.......

Read that link I posted above again. Then think about what you would advise if your DD was with a man like this. Or your sister or your best friend. Or me, if I was posting on here.

You knew him when you were teenagers - so? That means nothing.
You don't owe him anything really. You could always say he was controlling you and you finally found your backbone?

I do understand that you are feeling a bit "got at" but many of us have been where you are now, but we didnt have the luxury of others experience to help us get out before it was too late. We were stuck with it for years, some still are and dont know how to escape.

We are reading your posts and thinking "Please no......dont make the same mistake I did and fall for the manipulation"

Blimey OP.

so he's -
Possessive
Paranoid
Sulky
Accuses you of being aggressive when he doesn't like what you say
Attention seeking ("I hope so" text - basically wants you to say all the nice things you can think of)
Immature
Argumentative

What positive things does he have about him?

I know thank you and I do appreciate it

It's not falling on deaf ears otherwise I wouldn't be wasting my time on here or expecting others to waste their time too so I am thank you for your support.

I do feel I am strong but I supposed compared to how I have been which is rock bottom...although it may not be coming across

I used to work in a environment where we learnt all about domestic violence so I do see the red flags and I'm not being naive. That's why I've posted...To be honest these have just suddenly come on and I know since December isn't very long but he has also been a good friend to me too like the advice he has given me on other issues matches my friends and mums etc so I don't think it's been obvious abuse which I know sometimes is harder to detect.

Its been a hard day and I've struggled today. I do not feel myself
Like it has knocked me for 6
Feel like I've taken a step back
And I don't want to do that

At the moment he feels like he is mad at me so least that's easier in respect that he hasnt been in constant contact today and I've not had that to deal with....

But I am taking it all in honest

I just want to do the right thing that's all and of course for my DD

Well I suppose that's why I've come on here...as I've just said I don't feel myself and having it spelt out is maybe what I need

That saying can't see the wood for the trees

I feel drained

I need an early night
I have work early tomorrow so I need to focus and tomorrow is another day

I know what I need to do.....

'I'm friends with his mutual friends and he's booked ticket for a concert this weekend for us ? So I feel slightly bad texting him saying it's over when I've been ok to now with his insecurities ?! I'm not desperate at all I just am human and don't think I should just finish it ?'

You have very poor standards and boundaries. Of course you should just finish it! You owe him nothing. You've been going out with him 8 weeks and he's waving more flags than a Maoist rally. FFS.

You've only known him for 3 months. That's nothing
You say you are aware of the signs of an abusive man and you can identify them in this man yet what? You still think you can reassure him into being reasonable? You really can't.

Ok fair enough

Picked another bad one😞

Big sigh