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Original poster

Do I stay or give up?

118 replies

Leavemealonepls · 20/03/2017 05:22

I'm in my late forties, divorced, one dd in her teens.

Ive been seeing someone for two years now. He's significantly younger than me but we get on well.

However when we talk about our future I'm not sure I can envisage spending the rest of my life with him. He wants to know that I will and I've been saying I do because I love him, but the truth is it's not easy.

It's very difficult to explain. He's very quiet, doesn't really show enthusiasm or passion. He doesn't like to go out so we spend all our evenings in watching TV.

I don't mind mostly, I don't really like pubs or clubs. I do like to go shopping or out for a meal and on days out though. I feel sad we can't do that together.

However I also feel there's something missing. I want someone to look after me .. he says he does, but I guess I mean in a different way .. hard to explain really. I miss passion, wild kissing, I miss going on outings or on holiday. I can do this alone or with dd, but then he feels sad that I'm doing things without him.

When he's here I often look forward to time alone, but the few times we've split up (I've finished with him a few times over trival things, although they didn't seem it at the time) I feel lonely and miss him and we make up again.

Sorry, this all sounds clumsy .. it's difficult to explain. I don't know what to do.

I've tried to explain but then he feels very hurt and says he can't change.

He is a really lovely gentle man and I will never find someone so lovely again. He loves me very much. I love him too, but I'm not sure it's enough.

I don't really know what I'm asking for, just advice I guess. I don't want to hurt him and I do love him.

OP posts:
SharkSkinThing · 20/03/2017 05:44

I think you've answered your own question at the beginning.

It sounds a bit more of a comfortable arrangement rather than the more passionate relationship you are wanting? And you are still young, so hardly slippers time! Do you feel it's a safe option and a bit nervous about changing things? I only ask because I feel the same about change sometimes!

Why doesn't he want to do these things?

Cricrichan · 20/03/2017 06:45

I think that if after only two years you feel that you look forward to time alone, then there is no relationship. I'm guessing that you miss him when you split up because you would like someone, but unfortunately he isn't it.

You've got time now to go out and travel and do the things you enjoy. Don't get shackled to someone who just sits in front of the TV all the time.

SaltySeaDog72 · 20/03/2017 06:48

'When he's here I often look forward to time alone'

I think that says it all..

From what you say you are settling and afraid you'll not meet anyone better. You also want someone to 'look after you' but actually I think that might be what's keeping you in this relationship. I'm sure you can look s after yourself.

I think you can find someone better suited to you...

Shayelle · 20/03/2017 06:51

He sounds totally boring. Sounds like you'd have more fun on your iwn. Theres the answer....

pallasathena · 20/03/2017 07:00

Yes, you're 'settling', rather than romancing and half accepting that this is your lot in life whilst the other half of you rightly rebels against it. Its a difficult one because you say you do love him, he is sweet and gentle and he does love you very much.
But there's no spark.
You have to weigh up whether or not 'settling', is sustainable long term. I would suggest that it is isn't and will only result in bitterness, regret and unhappiness as the years go by.
You need to shift the dynamic, change the set up, stop the sitting in watching tv each night. Tell him its become a deal breaker. Tell him he can't see you every night and begin to wean yourself and him off this deadly routine you seem to be in.
Baby steps OP. Baby steps.

TheNaze73 · 20/03/2017 07:29

He sounds incredibly dull. I'd be out of there

Original poster
Leavemealonepls · 20/03/2017 09:03

I should have said, the reason he doesn't like going out is chronic anxiety.

There is no spark, that's true, sadly. I've been telling myself that love is enough, I'm not in my twenties, don't need to be out clubbing ..

But it's more the thought of never going on holiday together, possibly never having a day out together, that I'm finding more difficult. Things may get better in the future, obviously, and that's what I've been hanging on for, along with the fact that I love him.

I don't need someone to look after me, no, but it would be nice sometimes.

Whenever I make other plans that don't involve him he becomes upset .. partly because he wishes he could do these things with me.

I don't want to date, don't think I do need a man, but seem unable to stick to my word when I finish with him.

OP posts:
SaltySeaDog72 · 20/03/2017 09:21

It's perfectly normal to want a relationship where you share experiences together. You don't have a long shared history or children binding you together. This isn't the relationship you want and you're only two years in. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

I would suggest you get some counselling to help you explore why you can't split from him. Because that actually seems to be the main problem?

debbs77 · 20/03/2017 09:42

Goodness, you sound like me in my post a few weeks ago.

I ended it. Life should be exciting! I'm quite limited with dating as I have a lot of children and they're all young, and he was happy to just come to mine to watch a film. But I suggested day time dates or going out and it never happened. It was all a bit 'meh'. So I ended it as I want to find the great love of my life!!!!

Original poster
Leavemealonepls · 20/03/2017 09:49

Yes, you're right. I'm just not sure I can do it. He'll be so hurt. He says I'm the love of his life, he doesn't want anyone else if he can't have me and that I'd break his heart. I can't bear to do that. Sad

OP posts:
debbs77 · 20/03/2017 10:42

I copped out and did it by text! It had only been 6 months though. He then went on to say he loved me and wanted to be with me and the kids forever.

He was back on online dating within two days.

I don't feel guilty now!

whitehandledkitchenknife · 20/03/2017 10:54

Does he initiate anything Leave? Do you find yourself having to explain things that you, your DD, others that you know, just 'get'. Do you talk, or are you simply exchanging information? Does he need to take time to think things through and even then doesn't necessarily come back with a response? Are you pre-empting the gaps in his ability to manage - whether it be organising the time he comes around or the food you eat, or the programmes you watch? Do you feel like he is looking for someone who will take care of him, but don't feel he reciprocates?
Is it all feeling a little lop-sided?
Lots of questions - sorry.

Stormtreader · 20/03/2017 11:00

So, how does he propose that he tries to get help for his anxiety?

At the moment it seems to be "cant do that, get sad when you do it without me, you'll break my heart if we split up". So his plan is what, that you stay in the house watching tv together for the rest of your lives?

Original poster
Leavemealonepls · 20/03/2017 11:17

whitehandled he doesn't initiate much really, no. No, I don't have to explain much, and we do talk, although not always.

Yes to all the rest Sad

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/03/2017 11:20

How on earth did you meet him, if he doesn't like doing anything?

I'd be bored out of my mind. I'd be very resentful if he didn't want me to do anything on my own, either.

You're just not suited, OP. I'm not sure he'll find someone to suit him but I know you will.

category12 · 20/03/2017 11:26

Jeepers, he's not much of a catch.

You shouldn't stay with him out of guilt and a false sense of obligation that he is emotionally blackmailing into you.

It's up to him whether he sits on his arse and lets his life dribble away. You don't have to do the same. You each have a choice in life.

Make the right one for you.

whitehandledkitchenknife · 20/03/2017 11:30

Ok, …..more questions.
What does he do in his time away from you? Does he have a job? What are his interests? How does he respond when you are tired/under the weather/stressed? Could you turn to him for emotional support, knowing that he would provide it? Would he be able to pick up a task that you left and continue with it, like making dinner?

Original poster
Leavemealonepls · 20/03/2017 11:31

I wouldn't say he's blackmailing me. It was just very intense at first and we'd planned our future together very early on. I feel I've made a promise I'm breaking. Also he needs someone to look after him.

Sorry I know it sounds pathetic. I don't think I can do it face to face and it wouldn't be fair any other way. I hate hurting him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leavemealonepls · 20/03/2017 11:34

He spends his time away from me at home reading, listening to music, watching TV.

He has a job, yes.

He tries to provide emotional support yes, but sadly often it's not enough .. but that's down to me being very needy I think.

No he doesn't (and couldnt) pick up tasks if I leave them, cooking etc.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/03/2017 11:36

Has he considered therapy for his anxiety?

CBT would be a good start.

I can't imagine not being able to go on holidays or parties, dinner etc with my DH.

Does he work? How does he cope with that?

ImperialBlether · 20/03/2017 11:39

He won't cook?

Can you explain that?

HmmOkay · 20/03/2017 11:42

How did he manage before he got together with you?

Do you live together? Or do you have your own places?

Original poster
Leavemealonepls · 20/03/2017 11:45

He's had therapy in the past, CBT, but it didn't help much.

He doesn't cook, just heats stuff up and isn't really bothered.

I'm not sure how he coped before .. I guess he just got on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leavemealonepls · 20/03/2017 11:46

No we don't live together.

OP posts:
whitehandledkitchenknife · 20/03/2017 11:46

I am most definitely not diagnosing, but check out adult aspergers and see if anything there rings bells for you. There are support networks for those in a relationship with someone who may be on the spectrum, along with advice for understanding/managing and working on a relationship where this is a factor.