I'm in my late forties, divorced, one dd in her teens.
Ive been seeing someone for two years now. He's significantly younger than me but we get on well.
However when we talk about our future I'm not sure I can envisage spending the rest of my life with him. He wants to know that I will and I've been saying I do because I love him, but the truth is it's not easy.
It's very difficult to explain. He's very quiet, doesn't really show enthusiasm or passion. He doesn't like to go out so we spend all our evenings in watching TV.
I don't mind mostly, I don't really like pubs or clubs. I do like to go shopping or out for a meal and on days out though. I feel sad we can't do that together.
However I also feel there's something missing. I want someone to look after me .. he says he does, but I guess I mean in a different way .. hard to explain really. I miss passion, wild kissing, I miss going on outings or on holiday. I can do this alone or with dd, but then he feels sad that I'm doing things without him.
When he's here I often look forward to time alone, but the few times we've split up (I've finished with him a few times over trival things, although they didn't seem it at the time) I feel lonely and miss him and we make up again.
Sorry, this all sounds clumsy .. it's difficult to explain. I don't know what to do.
I've tried to explain but then he feels very hurt and says he can't change.
He is a really lovely gentle man and I will never find someone so lovely again. He loves me very much. I love him too, but I'm not sure it's enough.
I don't really know what I'm asking for, just advice I guess. I don't want to hurt him and I do love him.
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Relationships
Do I stay or give up?
Leavemealonepls · 20/03/2017 05:22
Thanks, that helps 
Just heading out .. will reply later.
I am a mess 
I've messed up my whole life, I do it all the time. I know the problem, I just don't know how to solve it.
Having a massive wobble ... I've messaged him to ask if we can talk ... I don't know what I want because nothing will change, but I just miss him so much
Thank you - no dog to borrow unfortunately, or shotgun or hairy viking, but will follow advice on the rest, just in case.
Thanks for your support everyone Last night I slept for 6 hours in one go .. that's a lot for me at the moment. Still tired but it's a start.
Can you borrow a big woofy dog for a few days? Or a shotgun (he doesn't need to know it's unloaded)? Or a really big hairy viking/medieval knight to guard your portcullis? Make him feel decidedly unsafe if he drops by. 
The problem you have is that you've done a lighter version of this before, so it is unlikely he's going to take you seriously now. So, yes, he will probably try. So get your brain ready.
Just relax and breathe. Your mantra is "I owe him nothing". Your other mantra is "don't feed the crazy". It's difficult sometimes not to engage. Some of these gits just know how to push our buttons! Saying stupid off-the-wall things you feel you have to set right is a time-honoured technique. But just remember that you never have to say another word to him because his opinion has no value.
"You've never loved me!!!"
Meh
"You promised!"
Meh
"I've had better shags than you!"
Meh
"The earth is only 10,000 years old and dinosaur 'fossils' were put there by the liberal left!"
Meh
Now, there's a million arguments you could lodge against any one of those nuggets of bullshit, but why waste your precious headspace? Focus instead on one simple fact: you've told him to leave you alone and he is not respecting that.
Keep your phone fully charged and have a hair trigger on the video record key. Have another phone (land line, pref) ready to dial 999 at the first hint that he'll escalate. Any threats said in your presence (or conceivably on his way), ring 999. Any attempt to force entry, ring 999.
Do not let him in. Do not open the door. Do not even engage in yelling through the door/window. Silence from you, apart from maybe one "if you don't leave now I will ring 999". ONE time you say this and then you FOLLOW THROUGH.
All that might not even be necessary. But you should prepare yourself for any kind of scenario, so you can feel stronger in yourself. And if you've told him to leave you alone and he's ignoring that/not respecting you, he gets what he deserves. I know it doesn't seem so, but it really is that simple. That is the core of it.
Good luck!
I guess .. I think it's different. He feels safe here .. he never feels well so doesn't like going out. I think it's partly in his head .. due to stress. .. but he knew it was ruining the relationship .. but didn't try to change
I know what you mean Preemptive , but I kept reading them. It wasn't doing me any good. I hope it doesn't come to that ... but I'll keep anymore if any get through. I just hope he doesn't knock on my door. . In the past when I've said it's over and not to contact me again, he's come round anyway. One of the things that annoyed me .. it felt like a lack of respect. But he's socially awkward, doesn't know how to behave ... I'm making excuses again
Gallavich you're right... he's doing it to get me to say I still love him .. or to hurt me .. I'm not sure. But I did need someone to tell me it's ok for my feelings to change because I felt I was letting him down, that I owed him. He made me feel that way too ... . Thanks for that
Come and talk to us if you have any more wobbles. And, an even simpler hack: never EVER answer a message of his in less than xx hours (most people set a baseline of 12 or 24 hours). By the time that deadline rolls up, you no longer have the urge. It works!
My own inspiration is not to delete his number, but change his name in your Contacts list to "Asshole" or "Twunt" or something that'll make you laugh for a moment and remind you not to take that call.
And I really would have recommended you don't delete his messages. So many of these guys turn into stalky creeps, or worse, and you may need evidence later in life.
But well done you!
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