Do I stay or give up?

[Leavemealonepls]

I'm in my late forties, divorced, one dd in her teens.

Ive been seeing someone for two years now. He's significantly younger than me but we get on well.

However when we talk about our future I'm not sure I can envisage spending the rest of my life with him. He wants to know that I will and I've been saying I do because I love him, but the truth is it's not easy.

It's very difficult to explain. He's very quiet, doesn't really show enthusiasm or passion. He doesn't like to go out so we spend all our evenings in watching TV.

I don't mind mostly, I don't really like pubs or clubs. I do like to go shopping or out for a meal and on days out though. I feel sad we can't do that together.

However I also feel there's something missing. I want someone to look after me .. he says he does, but I guess I mean in a different way .. hard to explain really. I miss passion, wild kissing, I miss going on outings or on holiday. I can do this alone or with dd, but then he feels sad that I'm doing things without him.

When he's here I often look forward to time alone, but the few times we've split up (I've finished with him a few times over trival things, although they didn't seem it at the time) I feel lonely and miss him and we make up again.

Sorry, this all sounds clumsy .. it's difficult to explain. I don't know what to do.

I've tried to explain but then he feels very hurt and says he can't change.

He is a really lovely gentle man and I will never find someone so lovely again. He loves me very much. I love him too, but I'm not sure it's enough.

I don't really know what I'm asking for, just advice I guess. I don't want to hurt him and I do love him.

I guess .. I think it's different. He feels safe here .. he never feels well so doesn't like going out. I think it's partly in his head .. due to stress. .. but he knew it was ruining the relationship .. but didn't try to change

Can you borrow a big woofy dog for a few days? Or a shotgun (he doesn't need to know it's unloaded)? Or a really big hairy viking/medieval knight to guard your portcullis? Make him feel decidedly unsafe if he drops by.

The problem you have is that you've done a lighter version of this before, so it is unlikely he's going to take you seriously now. So, yes, he will probably try. So get your brain ready.

Just relax and breathe. Your mantra is "I owe him nothing". Your other mantra is "don't feed the crazy". It's difficult sometimes not to engage. Some of these gits just know how to push our buttons! Saying stupid off-the-wall things you feel you have to set right is a time-honoured technique. But just remember that you never have to say another word to him because his opinion has no value.

"You've never loved me!!!"

Meh

"You promised!"

Meh

"I've had better shags than you!"

Meh

"The earth is only 10,000 years old and dinosaur 'fossils' were put there by the liberal left!"

Meh

Now, there's a million arguments you could lodge against any one of those nuggets of bullshit, but why waste your precious headspace? Focus instead on one simple fact: you've told him to leave you alone and he is not respecting that.

Keep your phone fully charged and have a hair trigger on the video record key. Have another phone (land line, pref) ready to dial 999 at the first hint that he'll escalate. Any threats said in your presence (or conceivably on his way), ring 999. Any attempt to force entry, ring 999.

Do not let him in. Do not open the door. Do not even engage in yelling through the door/window. Silence from you, apart from maybe one "if you don't leave now I will ring 999". ONE time you say this and then you FOLLOW THROUGH.

All that might not even be necessary. But you should prepare yourself for any kind of scenario, so you can feel stronger in yourself. And if you've told him to leave you alone and he's ignoring that/not respecting you, he gets what he deserves. I know it doesn't seem so, but it really is that simple. That is the core of it.

Good luck!

Thank you - no dog to borrow unfortunately, or shotgun or hairy viking, but will follow advice on the rest, just in case.

Thanks for your support everyone Last night I slept for 6 hours in one go .. that's a lot for me at the moment. Still tired but it's a start.

I've got a dog you can borrow, she's a nippy little bugger and he definitely wouldn't feel safe after an assault from her!

I've got a mental image of him as a swooning Victorian lady, holding the back of his hand to his forehead and 'not feeling well'. Honestly, leave, his health, mental or otherwise, is not your responsibility. He's shown no inclination thus far to get himself well, even for you, so he's choosing to feel this way. He could even have asked you to help him make steps towards recovery, but he didn't. He likes life the way it is.

Yes he was a bit like that ... always looking self pitying. Even when he felt well he couldn't admit it .. just said, I'm ok, but only if I asked, never volunteered the information to put my mind at rest!

I did research his illness, told him what to do to feel better, bought supplements ... he did nothing .. read lots but changed nothing.

Having a massive wobble ... I've messaged him to ask if we can talk ... I don't know what I want because nothing will change, but I just miss him so much

OP, you have become quite isolated during your relationship with him.

That's why you miss him so much, because there is little else in your life apart from him. And if you take him back this time, you'll gradually stop going out at all.

If you start getting out and about then you won't miss him so much. Honestly. Can you do something nice with your daughter this weekend? Cinema or meal out or something?

If you won't change to make yourself happy then you are no better than he is. Stuck in a rut forever. Wasting your life away, waiting for someone to change things when you won't change things yourself.

That doesn't help. Yes I understand what you're saying, but I love him and miss him ..

Okay. Won't comment again. I do wish you the best though.

Thanks.

I don't think you want to hear anything I have to say at the moment.

But consider in your own mind: why? Don't just say "I love him and miss him", you owe yourself some real thought on this. What exactly do you love? The future-faked house built on sand? What do you miss? Never going out?

Unless he's got a solid gold dick that cums tasty chardonney and he turns into a pizza at midnight, I can't see what you can love and miss that outweighs the misery that being with him brings.

I don't know Just feel really sad.

I've messed up and am a total mess. Just don't really want to be anymore. Life has always been crap and isn't improving. I don't know how to carry on.

You're not a mess, you're just going through a tough time. Carry on for your daughter. Take it day by day at the moment and it will get easier.
But don't take him back again. That's really hurtful, yoyo-ing backwards and forwards. You have made the right decision. Of course it's hard and upsetting at the moment, but it's right. Hold on to that. Take it day by day and don't go back.

I am a mess I've messed up my whole life, I do it all the time. I know the problem, I just don't know how to solve it.

You clearly haven't messed up your whole life (unless your entire life revolves around a man), you've produced a strong, healthy daughter who is proud of you.

You've had a wobble. So what, it's allowed! Nobody has to me Ms Strong all the time. Of course you miss him - I gave up drinking because of the awful effects of alcohol on me, but I still miss it, because it was a habit. Of course you love him, he depended on you in such a childlike way, you must feel as though you've cast a child adrift in the world.

If you do decide to meet him, maybe you could start off by drawing your lines - such as 'I just want to lay things on the table so we both have closure', and try to give him full and honest reasons as to why you can't carry on in the relationship. It might, at least, give him a chance to sort his life out. But I bet he won't. He'll make excuses, he'll sigh, he'll make all the same old promises that he's made before - anything to get back to the safe, comfortable life that he's been in. Because why would he want anything different? You've enabled it thus far, why wouldn't you carry on?

There's life on the other side. Honestly. You haven't messed up, you've been nothing but kind. He, on the other hand, has been lazy and complacent. Maybe tell him that...

Thanks, that helps Just heading out .. will reply later.