Do I stay or give up?

[Leavemealonepls]

I'm in my late forties, divorced, one dd in her teens.

Ive been seeing someone for two years now. He's significantly younger than me but we get on well.

However when we talk about our future I'm not sure I can envisage spending the rest of my life with him. He wants to know that I will and I've been saying I do because I love him, but the truth is it's not easy.

It's very difficult to explain. He's very quiet, doesn't really show enthusiasm or passion. He doesn't like to go out so we spend all our evenings in watching TV.

I don't mind mostly, I don't really like pubs or clubs. I do like to go shopping or out for a meal and on days out though. I feel sad we can't do that together.

However I also feel there's something missing. I want someone to look after me .. he says he does, but I guess I mean in a different way .. hard to explain really. I miss passion, wild kissing, I miss going on outings or on holiday. I can do this alone or with dd, but then he feels sad that I'm doing things without him.

When he's here I often look forward to time alone, but the few times we've split up (I've finished with him a few times over trival things, although they didn't seem it at the time) I feel lonely and miss him and we make up again.

Sorry, this all sounds clumsy .. it's difficult to explain. I don't know what to do.

I've tried to explain but then he feels very hurt and says he can't change.

He is a really lovely gentle man and I will never find someone so lovely again. He loves me very much. I love him too, but I'm not sure it's enough.

I don't really know what I'm asking for, just advice I guess. I don't want to hurt him and I do love him.

[Leavemealonepls]

He came round to talk about it. I think he wants a concrete reason why I ended it. But I stood my ground and didn't back down to the tears and accusations. . Prof of myself .. but feel like s*#t

Im going to take my daughter out for a coffee and buy some vodka!

[Leavemealonepls]

Betty are you actually me? ! Not nine years younger .. more .. but that's exactly it .. he was my friend .. I needed him as a friend .. ended it and took him back so many times ... but that's not what he wants or needs. I'm doing the right thing for both of us. It's just so bloody hard!

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Leave I totally understand where you are coming from. Everytime I finished it I missed him so much I felt my world was ending, but then when we got back together I would make excuses for him not to come over. It was a selfish relationship on my part, I wanted him when I wanted him and that was it. I was beside myself when he finally gave up and got a new girlfriend but that was just my ego because I wanted him to still want me. Looking back now, it was wrong from the start and we should have stayed friends because we were great friends. We still get on well now if we see each other and it really was for the best.

I promise, you will be fine without your comfort blanket you really will be.

[Leavemealonepls]

Thanks Betty. It hurts so much. But I know it was the right thing to do. Yes I was being selfish too, hanging on because I needed him, but only when I wanted ...

[Leavemealonepls]

Just got home .. it feels so empty. Normally he'd be here or on his way here .. or messaging me. But I told dd and she's being great Looking after me. Now I'm going to make a and watch some crap tv and peruse MN. I WILL get through this

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

But I stood my ground and didn't back down to the tears and accusations.

Well-done you!

Wanna talk about the tears and accusations?

[Ragwort]

Well done for ending it, and an important message to your DD as well as she grows up - she is a vulnerable teenager and surely you don't want her thinking that the sort of relationship you had with this man is what any woman should aspire to?

[Leavemealonepls]

The tears and accusations. ..? Well, along the lines of I'm not perfect either and I did this and I said that. Tears about look at all the problems we've got through ...

Yes I told my daughter and she told me im the strongest and bravest woman she knows That's the example I want to be and it meant such a lot to me.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

That sounds lovely! You've got a great lass there. Stay strong and be s good role model for her. You'll be fine.

[Beargrillthus]

Well done OP.

I dated someone with social anxiety - never again. I initially tried to work round it, and he was clever and good with words and had all sorts of elaborate speeches about how much anything I did for him would be so much appreciated.

After a while, it was like he was looking at this life I had ( not a party animal, just the standard "normal working thirty something" treating myself to cinema and meal out every now and then) and resenting me for having it. It was like you OP -he not only didn't want to go out himself but wanted to control whether or not I did without him. So we'd both be trapped in his weird emotional world

I tried getting him to come out, but he ended up sabotaging every night out ( I don't even think it was anxiety attacks - just weird controlling shit, acting like a child, quibbling over the bill so that everyone would be staring at us. Then he'd spend ages crying and saying how it wasn't his fault because of The Anxiety and his counsellor had said he was allowed to have feelings)

I did notice he somehow was able to socialise when he wanted to - it was like the "anxiety" was flaring up in a targeted way so that our interaction would be limited to " come round to mine and I can mother you"

My parents were mentally ill, and I think I fell into the "caring responsible role" to easily.

Now I'm thinking " fuck it, I'm not going to be guilt tripped into not wanting a robust manly type who wants to enjoy life as much as I do"

[oleoleoleole]

I think you're with him because you don't want to be alone.

[Leavemealonepls]

Ole you're probably right .. but not any longer

[Leavemealonepls]

Bear a bit like that .. but he doesn't go out at all.

[Jux]

There is someone out there who will give you the things you need, but it isn't him.

[Leavemealonepls]

I don't know if I want to try again. It's just too painful. I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.

He's been texting, he's so sad and I just want to comfort him, you know? But I've offered to talk .. now he doesn't want to. . He's being the victim and I understand that. I just can't help him. He's saying he now understands I never loved him

[Leavemealonepls]

But I got through the day .. it'll get easier hopefully.

[Butterymuffin]

I don't think talking will help either of you. And I don't think he really believes you never loved him. He's saying that to try and get you to 'prove' you did/do by coming back to him. I would send a text saying it's best you don't communicate for a while as it makes things too hard for both of you, and then stop texting. Might actually be worth a change of number to stop the temptation.

[Leavemealonepls]

You're probably right. I'm not making it easier. I thought he was just trying to hurt me .. I don't know. I just hoped we could be friends and didn't want him to be alone with no one to talk to.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

He's been texting, he's so sad and I just want to comfort him, you know? But I've offered to talk .. now he doesn't want to.

My 6-year-old is going though that phase at the moment in demanding yet refusing hugs. And it's not even cute when he does it. Deeply unattractive when an alleged grown man does it. Please don't fall for the manipulation.

You've been more than fair. But you need to face a [currently]painful truth: you're not going to end up friends! He isn't wired that way.

OK, take it to Its illogical extreme: he miraculously stops whingeing and becomes Friends Material. You carry on with nice phone chats, FB chats, etc ... but ... you're still not going to go out for coffee or a bite, are you? And given his behaviour now, do you think he'll ever be in a place where he can accept you having a new romantic interest in your life? Or do you think you can ever happily just confide in him about deeply personal things and he won't try to twist it to suit his own aims? Do you really think you can trust him not to do that? Sorry, but from a "utilitarian" framework, he's not friends material. And would you even dream of treating a friend the way he treats you? Don't you deserve to be treated well by anybody you choose to have in your life?

You really need to nip this in the bud and go NC. There's nothing you can say that's going to be the magic pill that makes it all OK, so for your own sanity, please just stop trying. If he tries further, one short text saying: "don't contact me again." Then block on whatever devices/platforms you can..

But do NOT delete texts. Just in case.

[Leavemealonepls]

Thanks I know, I was losing it last night. Feeling slightly better this morning, although I barely slept.

NC .. he has no one else, no friends ... no one to talk to ... it seems harsh. But otoh how he treated me last night wasn't fair either, I can see that now, he was manipulating me. I don't see it straight away because it doesn't fit with the image of this nice gentle guy that I have of him

[Gallavich]

He doesn't seem like your typical abuser but he really is one.
Faked this amazing future that he knew was bullshit to reel you in
Makes you responsible for his emotional wellbeing
Emotionally blackmails you into staying with him
Makes you feel guilty for doing things without him
Deliberately helpless so you will 'take care' of him
Preoccupied with his needs and ignores yours

This isn't a relationship really and it's certainly not good for you. Grow a pair of ovaries and end it properly.

[Leavemealonepls]

I've never seen it like that. He's just troubled. I don't trait think much of it is deliberate. But it doesn't matter .. I couldnt cope any longer.

[Leavemealonepls]

...don't really think much ...

[Gallavich]

Most abusers aren't calculated in their abuse. Most are just extremely selfish people who only care about having their own needs met and will do whatever it takes to do that.

[Leavemealonepls]

I guess.