Do I stay or give up?

[Leavemealonepls]

I'm in my late forties, divorced, one dd in her teens.

Ive been seeing someone for two years now. He's significantly younger than me but we get on well.

However when we talk about our future I'm not sure I can envisage spending the rest of my life with him. He wants to know that I will and I've been saying I do because I love him, but the truth is it's not easy.

It's very difficult to explain. He's very quiet, doesn't really show enthusiasm or passion. He doesn't like to go out so we spend all our evenings in watching TV.

I don't mind mostly, I don't really like pubs or clubs. I do like to go shopping or out for a meal and on days out though. I feel sad we can't do that together.

However I also feel there's something missing. I want someone to look after me .. he says he does, but I guess I mean in a different way .. hard to explain really. I miss passion, wild kissing, I miss going on outings or on holiday. I can do this alone or with dd, but then he feels sad that I'm doing things without him.

When he's here I often look forward to time alone, but the few times we've split up (I've finished with him a few times over trival things, although they didn't seem it at the time) I feel lonely and miss him and we make up again.

Sorry, this all sounds clumsy .. it's difficult to explain. I don't know what to do.

I've tried to explain but then he feels very hurt and says he can't change.

He is a really lovely gentle man and I will never find someone so lovely again. He loves me very much. I love him too, but I'm not sure it's enough.

I don't really know what I'm asking for, just advice I guess. I don't want to hurt him and I do love him.

I guarantee he's going to be out desperately shopping for a new female friend to "take care of him" whilst claiming he wants to be with you and guilt tripping you.

You aren't a person to him, just a source for his needs. He's upset about losing the costly domestic set-up, not about you.

Cosy not costly

I honestly don't think he's like that He'd not had a proper relationship before me because he doesn't go out.

I'm not saying he wasn't making the most of my caring side .. but I just don't think he's that bad.

We've texted a bit this morning but I'm going to stop now, it's just too upsetting.

...but he managed to find you, didn't he? So what's stopping him finding someone else?

If he can use a computer, he can find another girlfriend. If he can go to work, he can find another girlfriend.

He hasn't had a proper relationship before because everyone else saw what he was like and turned him down. It's not you, it really isn't.

We met online .. I did all the running :(

He works for family so not really out and about.

Stop with the texting. One final text of the "I wish you the best for the future" type from you and then block him.

The more you stay in contact with him, the likelier it is that you get sucked back in.

It worked before for him when you split with him, didn't it? He'll try it again.

I know I've stopped. I have to.

But I'm still here alone .. haven't gone back to him .. just had a brief wobble.

But I'm still here alone - but you are not alone' - you have a DD who (I assume) still lives with you; do you work? Do you have friends/hobbies/interests? I'm sure it's tough but try to avoid focusing on the relationship and look at other areas of your life - now you have more time to get out and about and do things you want to do.

True .. I know. Most of the time I'm positive .. just having the odd wobble, mainly (only?) when I hear from him ...

Im not going back, no worries.

Definitely block him. And remove all message threads from him and delete call log so you can't be tempted xx

Good on you OP

Rip off the plaster now.

Block and go NC.

You have done an excellent thing. You'll feel awful for a while but great things await. Your life awaits. I agree with your lovely dd

for you

Thanks We'll be fine. I'll block him (but probably send a goodbye text first) and delete all messages. I can't move on otherwise.

This is on my phone screen

Send that last text, give yourself closure, make it final. Then block block block and continue to be the great example to your daughter that you've already been.

Text sent .. and I've blocked him and removed all messages etc.

It's just going to take time.

Good on you, girl! You can do this. Yes, you'll miss him, but now you've got the chance to do all those things you felt you couldn't do when he would 'sulk' about it! The world is the mollusc of your choosing...

Well done! You're doing great! You ARE NOT responsible for his happiness.

I know ... I felt responsible though. I did everything I could for him .. for good reasons .. he isn't well, a chronic illness.

I carried on texting I think because I didn't want him to believe I didn't love him. It hurt .. because I did love him. But I realise it makes no difference now. It's just prolonging the agony for both of us.

Come and talk to us if you have any more wobbles. And, an even simpler hack: never EVER answer a message of his in less than xx hours (most people set a baseline of 12 or 24 hours). By the time that deadline rolls up, you no longer have the urge. It works!

My own inspiration is not to delete his number, but change his name in your Contacts list to "Asshole" or "Twunt" or something that'll make you laugh for a moment and remind you not to take that call.

And I really would have recommended you don't delete his messages. So many of these guys turn into stalky creeps, or worse, and you may need evidence later in life.

But well done you!

It's allowed to feel one way at one time and another way later on. You don't owe him your life because 2 years ago you felt that you would be with him forever. You no longer feel that way and that's fine. Frankly if he can't understand that people's feelings can change then no amount of you persuading him will make a bit of difference. You're wasting your energy.

I know what you mean Preemptive , but I kept reading them. It wasn't doing me any good. I hope it doesn't come to that ... but I'll keep anymore if any get through. I just hope he doesn't knock on my door. . In the past when I've said it's over and not to contact me again, he's come round anyway. One of the things that annoyed me .. it felt like a lack of respect. But he's socially awkward, doesn't know how to behave ... I'm making excuses again

Gallavich you're right... he's doing it to get me to say I still love him .. or to hurt me .. I'm not sure. But I did need someone to tell me it's ok for my feelings to change because I felt I was letting him down, that I owed him. He made me feel that way too ... . Thanks for that

So, he can muster the energy to come round and try to talk you round, but not to take you out for a meal? Or to the pictures?

Funny, that...