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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do, message from another woman?

451 replies

Emboo19 · 18/03/2017 09:57

I received a Facebook message early this morning 5am time, only just seen it when checking my emails though. From a girl, I don't know saying she was with my boyfriend last night after I left and went back to his place. No more details than that and just a sorry, didn't realise he had a girlfriend and baby.

My boyfriend was out for his birthday yesterday, I met up with him around 8pm and came home around 11.30. Him and his friends were going to a club. My friend came back with me and was staying over and I knew dd would be asleep in my room. He was already drunk so I said he should stay at his place. Did get a drunken text around 3am from him, which was a bit unusual for him.

I showed my friend and she said to message her for more details, see if it checks out. I'm more inclined to just ask my boyfriend when he gets here later. My friend thinks that's very naive of me.

No issues of cheating ever and I've had no reason to doubt him before. He was out with his brother, friends and some of their girlfriends. His brother and one friend I think would tell me if he did anything anyway.

What would others do? I feel like asking her or anyone else, is like not trusting him really and I'd probably be annoyed if it was the other way and he didn't just ask me.
But then if I just ask him, as my friend says, he has a chance to lie and cover his tracks. I really don't think he would though.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 18/03/2017 14:26

Jonesy, maybe I just have an unhealthy interest in my partners Y-fronts!
I think what Bluntness and I are implying is there seems to be a few ways that OP could investigate or at least interrogate the information given. All of which have been dismissed. It must be a terrible situation to find yourself in, if true, but there seems to be a few anomalies with it all. I don't understand the resistance to ascertain what has happened from different sources.

PollytheDolly · 18/03/2017 14:28

What did his 3am text say?

I'm 50/50 on this so far.....

Hope she's lying OP Flowers

Buttercupsandaisies · 18/03/2017 14:28

I think you logging in this Facebook and messaging her would clear this up instantly- the fact you haven't suggests this is a wind up or you are burying your head in the sand.

Lunalovepud · 18/03/2017 14:35

If they are Facebook friends, I would message her from his account "why are you messaging my girlfriend?" and see what she comes back with.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 18/03/2017 14:38

Luna, that's a good one. It's non specific but clear.

Greenkit · 18/03/2017 14:39

hmmm buttercupsanddaises

MadMags · 18/03/2017 14:40

I afeee with "why are you messaging my gf?" From his account.

I doubt you'll do it, though.

Reads like you just want to pretend she's a shit stirrer!

gillybeanz · 18/03/2017 14:42

Just a suggestion, and i hope not.
How do you know he hasn't been with her all these months and it's only last night he told her you'd broken up.
Unless he hardly knows her why hasn't he replied to her comments on fb?
Could he have been not wanting to draw attention to her existence.
It sounds like he doesn't want to settle down and likes his single life without domesticity, wife and family Sad
So sorry for you, but I think you know she's telling the truth. Thanks

Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 14:43

oh yeah that's a good one - what was he wearing?
And other intimate questions.
I could give some examples but sure you can think up.

Flipthebirdy · 18/03/2017 14:45

Does she have his phone number? If so, ask her when he gave it to her and why.

OurFlo · 18/03/2017 14:47

I've been cheated on. No evidence on Facebook/ text/ WhatsApp/ messenger etc etc and the cheating was more than a ONS. He was caught out in a web of lies that started when I queried a phone call he had made at 3am...I only spotted it because I have access to his phone bills through work and it flagged on an unauthorized activity log. He'd even set the bloody log up...we jointly owned the business and it was designed for everyone else, not him!

I couldn't tell you what underwear my DP had on today...I could however tell you about every single item of underwear he owns...

OP it looks to me like he's cheated. There is every chance you are never going to be 100% certain...he has zero reason to tell you the truth and as you weren't in the room, it is always going to be his word against hers. His friends are his friends, his brother is his brother and they are likely to lie for him; some may even lie out of some kind of misplaced desire to protect you and you should not take this personally.

Trust your gut. Don't fall for any bullshit. For me, the OW is looking to cause trouble but that doesn't mean she's lying. Look after you and your baby...he's not worthy of either of you.

PetalMettle · 18/03/2017 14:55

There are 2 possibilities - one he cheated - got in at 4 with her, shagged her and then chucked her out at 5 (this timeline tallies with what his mate said about when he got back and when she said he chucked her out)or two she set her cap at him and he knocked her back and she got home and was feeling vengeful. I think I would ask him how the night went, anything interesting happen. If there's nothing to hide then surely he'd say she'd come onto him and he knocked her back?

TheNaze73 · 18/03/2017 14:55

I think she's made up. Someone who's been jilted, which she clearly has, will make any bold shut up

SleepFreeZone · 18/03/2017 14:57

If it were me I would show him a picture of her on Facebook and say 'who's she?' His face will tell you what you need to know.

supercue · 18/03/2017 14:59

I remember your house thread OP, you are a kind and incredibly sensible young woman. I really hope he realises how lucky he is to have you.

Your gut instinct will tell you all you need to know here, go with it and be careful.

user1467798821 · 18/03/2017 15:00

I would be replying with " so you'll know he's circumcised then?" She would definitely know remember that if she can't remember bedding or bathroom!

ShakingAndShocked · 18/03/2017 15:01

There is every chance you are never going to be 100% certain.

I disagree with this (unless OP chooses the minimising route as doesn't in heart of heart want to find out the truth which I guess is a possibility for some when finding themselves in this position) - the route my friend took made it so she had 100% certainty in the affirmative. It is literally the only way I can see OP will know for certain sure.

I too am wondering OP if you've started to almost not want to know. Whilst kinda understandable I'd really advise against it as it will just eat you up.

Am also wondering if the fact that you've been so clear that it's a deal breaker for you is causing you to hesitate now faced with the certainty reality of being cheated on. Remember it's your choice and yours alone to follow through on what you always said you would do (IE leave/it's over) but at least make sure you're making your decisions based on concrete ground rather than burying head in sand/avoiding/minimising.

And no, his brothers/friends will not be honest with you. Their loyalty to each other will always outweigh any towards you - harsh but 100% true.

ThouShallNotPass · 18/03/2017 15:12

Whilst I agree that it does sound like OPs man has probably cheated, it's not guaranteed that this woman would have no cause to lie and must be telling the truth.

My DH was randomly contacted by an ex from his early 20's. They dated a couple of months. That's it. 14 years later of absolutely no contact she was messaging him, telling him how she had been told by a friend who knows us that his wife (me) had cheated and two out of three of our kids weren't really his. She went into details of how it was someone from my home town 200 miles away who had fathered the kids.
What she didn't know was that in the past 13 years we've been together we have only had a small handful of days apart. We're always with each other and and when he was working I was busy with his family or our mutual friends. I hadn't even been back to my home town without him. DH didn't believe a word. In fact, he never even told me about it until days later because he knew I'd be offended.
When he called her on her bullshit she then declared that they had a teen daughter and he had warrants out for his arrest for avoiding the CSA etc. She even went as far as messaging our 9 year old to tell her that her daddy wasn't really her daddy. Luckily our DD's FB is only used to link her candy crush game to her grannies and she doesn't actually have access to it. Cos she's bloody 9!

In the end we had to contact the woman's parents to ensure that no teenager did exist. It didn't. They were upset but apparently she had done something similar before to some other poor fella. We ended up going to the police. One year and Two court appearances later we've not heard a peep.

Now if someone was to message me out of the blue I would definitely not take it on faith.

I don't know what you can do other than tip your hand and ask your DP out right or secretly look on his FB. A "Why are you messaging my girlfriend?" Message will tell you the truth but could remove all trust in the relationship if she is lying.

OurFlo · 18/03/2017 15:13

shaking, I agree with you and that's my point. The only ways she could be 100% certain is if he admits to cheating; or one of his friends/brother tell her. If he lies and they do too, it will be the OW's word against his.

I don't envy you this situation OP, I have been there and was never able to shake the doubt. I initially believed the web of lies my ex spun because I wanted to think that he would never do that to me, after everything I had done for him, everything we had been through etc etc.... Sadly I was wrong.

MrsMonstrosity · 18/03/2017 15:16

I will probably get flamed for this - but have been discussing this thread with DP - seeing a guys perspective. His advice was to "honeytrap" him, i.e get a female friend he hasnt met to hit on him on next night out and see how far he is prepared to go. Would give Op her answer then. I think its underhanded, but i do see dp's point!

OurFlo · 18/03/2017 15:17

....what I will say OP is all of us are colored by our own experiences and your situation is yours and mine mine. Whatever way this plays out, I wish you luck and whether she has made it up or not, you have had at least one shitty day! Flowers

Finola1step · 18/03/2017 15:27

Many, many years ago I got a phone call. From a friend, telling me that my then bf of 4 years had had a ONS that previous weekend. I knew she was telling the truth but I had to hear it from him

I took a very similar line to the friend in *ShakingandShocked's" post. Presented it as I know the truth already etc etc. He spilled. I left.

I'm just a tad confused on the timings OP. You got a drunk text from him at 3ish. She sent you a message about 5ish. Has she been specific with timings e.g. Got back to his around 3, I left at half 4. Or was it earlier than that and the drunk text was his conscience calling?

Oddsockspissmeoff · 18/03/2017 15:30

I would do what shaking said.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 18/03/2017 15:31

thou
I had a similiar situation. An old FWB of my DHs messages me a few months after getting together telling me how he was currently at her house, I'm a fool, he's using me etc.

He was actually sat right next too me when she was messaging. We sent a selfie.

She backtracked and said she meant the night before ( yet again impossible )

She then mentioned three other dates. Once again impossible. Two of them days he was abroad with me and our social group. The other date in question was a funeral which I attended with him!

When I pointed all this out her comeback was too describe
his penis Hmm yes his ex FWB thought describing his penis would be the winning point.

Now if my and my DH had been big on SM she would of known that weekend we had spent a nice long weekend doig coupley things. But we didn't use SM much, she took a stab in the dark and totally missed the target.

The way she was writing and stuff she was saying was so plausible, if it wasn't for the dates she gave me I may have been very tempted too believe her.

I understood her hurt and anger, my DH wouldn't settle down with her, cut their FWB situation and a few months after began dating me. That must of stung like a bitch for her.

Sometimes the messenger is a shit stirrer.

Voice0fReason · 18/03/2017 15:32

User, it's very easy to have sex with someone and not know whether or not he was circumcised!
Some of the suggestions for how she is supposed to prove herself are just not reasonable. I have had sex with men without being aware of what type of underwear they were wearing or taken any notice of the colour of the bedding!