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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do, message from another woman?

451 replies

Emboo19 · 18/03/2017 09:57

I received a Facebook message early this morning 5am time, only just seen it when checking my emails though. From a girl, I don't know saying she was with my boyfriend last night after I left and went back to his place. No more details than that and just a sorry, didn't realise he had a girlfriend and baby.

My boyfriend was out for his birthday yesterday, I met up with him around 8pm and came home around 11.30. Him and his friends were going to a club. My friend came back with me and was staying over and I knew dd would be asleep in my room. He was already drunk so I said he should stay at his place. Did get a drunken text around 3am from him, which was a bit unusual for him.

I showed my friend and she said to message her for more details, see if it checks out. I'm more inclined to just ask my boyfriend when he gets here later. My friend thinks that's very naive of me.

No issues of cheating ever and I've had no reason to doubt him before. He was out with his brother, friends and some of their girlfriends. His brother and one friend I think would tell me if he did anything anyway.

What would others do? I feel like asking her or anyone else, is like not trusting him really and I'd probably be annoyed if it was the other way and he didn't just ask me.
But then if I just ask him, as my friend says, he has a chance to lie and cover his tracks. I really don't think he would though.

OP posts:
SparklingRaspberry · 18/03/2017 13:53

OP, you say she isnt his type etc. I don't know whether he's cheated or not. But a lot (not all) of the time when men cheat with one night stands, they go for the 'easy' girls, the ones they'd never actually have a relationship with, the ones they wouldn't usually give the time of day to.

That sounds awful and it really is. I hate the term 'easy', it takes two people to shag. But unless she's lying she isn't the problem here. It's your boyfriend. Even if she is lying - why? You need to find this out.

I personally would've logged into his fb. You're either gunna find nothing and feel a little guilty or you're gunna find something and have some form of evidence.

Does your boyfriend usually stay out till 4am? I know if my friends/sister told my partner we'd stayed out till 4 he'd know that's a lie as I can never last that long.

Oblomov17 · 18/03/2017 13:54

She's clearly had a huge thing for him for a long time.
And she lied.
But, it would seem as though he has cheated.

SparklingRaspberry · 18/03/2017 13:55

And OP, at the end of the day no matter how close you are to his brother and friends, they're loyalty will lie with your boyfriend not you.

They may not be happy about lying to you, but a lot of the time it's easier for people to say nothing.

It's easy to say "if they were decent people they'd do the right thing" but when you're actually in the situation it's a whole lot different.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 18/03/2017 13:55

Think I'd go with what shaking and shocked says. Say you know 100% that he did and you want to know if they used protection and you won't leave him, know he was super drunk blah,blah.

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 13:55

I don't know what underwear he had on!

twattymctwatterson · 18/03/2017 13:58

I would just tell him you know what happened last night and you want to hear his side. Don't give him any other information and see what he says

viques · 18/03/2017 13:59

Message her back and say you are relieved to hear that he is free to have sex again since you understood the STD clinic had initially advised him to wait until ALL his tests came back clear and the genital herpes one was outstanding since his last flare up........

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 18/03/2017 13:59

Agree about his friends and brother, they will lie for him, they may be really angry with him but will lie. I also agree the fact she's not his type makes no difference. I know plenty of people who've had a drunken one night stand with people they wouldn't normally even pass a glance at.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you op Sad x

SanitysSake · 18/03/2017 13:59

I smell that she's lying.. and if its proven she is.. I'd take her bloody head off.

Feeling for you, OP x

JonesyAndTheSalad · 18/03/2017 14:01

Bluntness what tosh! I couldn't tell you a thing about my DH's knickers!

If I asked the other woman "What pants was he wearing?" and she said "Blue!"

Then she COULD be telling the truth. Most men wear black, blue, grey....dull colours.

Blanca87 · 18/03/2017 14:04

Exactly Blutness!

Jaxhog · 18/03/2017 14:04

Why not just show him the message, saying you've got this very strange message and you're not sure what to do about it. Look puzzled.

What he says and does next will tell you everything you need to know.

TipTop333 · 18/03/2017 14:05

Yep do what shaking suggests.

Youdosomething · 18/03/2017 14:05

Horrid situation. Thinking of you.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 18/03/2017 14:05

Bianca really?? I don't think so. My husband's pants are all bland, grey, blue etc. I wouldn't know what ones he had on! Nor would I know if some woman said "He wore his grey ones with a stripe" or whatever.

I don't pay that much attention to his pants!

Bluntness100 · 18/03/2017 14:11

Message her back and say you are relieved to hear that he is free to have sex again since you understood the STD clinic had initially advised him to wait until ALL his tests came back clear and the genital herpes one was outstanding since his last flare up........>Bluntness what tosh! I couldn't tell you a thing about my DH's knickers!

RentANDBills · 18/03/2017 14:15

I don't get the impression she's lying - other than to shit-stir, there is no real motive.
He, on the other hand, has a very clear motive to lie about it - so depending on how good he is at it, talking to him may not solve the mystery.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 18/03/2017 14:17

I know what type of underwear he has, but I'd say it's the most common type for guys his age and doesn't have a specific brand he always wears or out there colours etc. Plus she can't remember his bedding, didn't mention his underwear in what he had on, so I'm not sure she'd remember anyway!

I'm not messaging her again, I just said thanks for letting me know and left it at that. I'll speak to him later, see what he says.
Thanks all

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 18/03/2017 14:18

I could tell you about my ex's he doesn't wear any I bet OP knows

GabsAlot · 18/03/2017 14:18

your fobbing it off op seeing whose at his house hours later is not going to tell u what happened last night

i agree with a pp-tell him u know what happened lat night an u just want to know if he use protection-see what his reaction is

KitKat1985 · 18/03/2017 14:19

Good luck for later Emboo.

Billybonkers76 · 18/03/2017 14:20

Most people get really angry when they have been caught out so be ready for an argument.
I can't see why some random woman would lie about it and I do think you are already making excuses not to believe her. Of course his brother and mates will cover for him btw! They probably didn't message asking where he was because they knew exactly where he was. Just because she's not his type doesn't mean it didn't happen. What has she got to gain by making it up?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/03/2017 14:22

With all these messages flying around, it's likely that your partner knows that you know by now.

HarmlessChap · 18/03/2017 14:24

She didn't use the bathroom? From getting in from a club she didn't have a wee or a bit of a clean up before or after sex or before leaving?

While this isn't an area of expertise for me that does sound a little unusual.

Buttercupsandaisies · 18/03/2017 14:25

Sorry op but it sounds like you're already doubting her. There really is no reason not believe this - you can ask whoever you like but the people you're asking have every reason to lie and will do. He's probably already convinced his mates he regrets it etc. You only have to read the threads in here where people tell others to stay quiet and stay out of things and that's women!

Be prepared for her to be quite open with the situation which will make you look really gullible

I'm shocked anyone would need to clarify this with questioning etc.