Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do, message from another woman?

451 replies

Emboo19 · 18/03/2017 09:57

I received a Facebook message early this morning 5am time, only just seen it when checking my emails though. From a girl, I don't know saying she was with my boyfriend last night after I left and went back to his place. No more details than that and just a sorry, didn't realise he had a girlfriend and baby.

My boyfriend was out for his birthday yesterday, I met up with him around 8pm and came home around 11.30. Him and his friends were going to a club. My friend came back with me and was staying over and I knew dd would be asleep in my room. He was already drunk so I said he should stay at his place. Did get a drunken text around 3am from him, which was a bit unusual for him.

I showed my friend and she said to message her for more details, see if it checks out. I'm more inclined to just ask my boyfriend when he gets here later. My friend thinks that's very naive of me.

No issues of cheating ever and I've had no reason to doubt him before. He was out with his brother, friends and some of their girlfriends. His brother and one friend I think would tell me if he did anything anyway.

What would others do? I feel like asking her or anyone else, is like not trusting him really and I'd probably be annoyed if it was the other way and he didn't just ask me.
But then if I just ask him, as my friend says, he has a chance to lie and cover his tracks. I really don't think he would though.

OP posts:
Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 19/03/2017 09:49

Get rivsk = her rival. What kind of autocorrect horror is this?

MysweetAudrina · 19/03/2017 09:49

You poor thing. It's definitely not clear cut. I think I was one of the first to post on your thread and I was sure that he was guilty but it's not really adding up. If she has been pining after him for a while from a distance and following his life on SM she may have seen you leaving the pub without him and kept an eye on his movements for the remainder of the night. But how would she know that he didn't go home to you later that night? The pizza story doesn't match though as if there is a photo of him there then he can't have gotten a taxi with her from the club as she is saying. The text to you from him at 3am seems in line with his version of events. She could be just very jealous of his relationship with you and the fact that you have a lovely baby together and she wanted to mess with that. I obviously don't know you but I get the impression that you are probably an attractive girl, kind of cool and laid back around your friends and bfs friends and that you might be a bit out of your bfs league looks wise etc and that this girl isn't competition in your mind based on what you have seen of her. (I might be completely fantasising here).His reaction isn't screaming guilty either and none of his story or his brother's is contradicting itself so far. She doesn't seen to have registered on his radar so far and maybe that's why she has contacted you because that's the only way she will get any attention from him and it makes her feel like she is relevant and worthy of some kind of role in his life. She might be jealous of you and what you have and because she knows he has no interest in her or is ever likely to and wants to take away what you have so you feel as wretched as her. Sounds like she might be stalking his life. Is there anything about your bfs version of events that is not adding up? anything other than the messages you have received from her that would make you think he is covering something up?

MadMags · 19/03/2017 09:53

Being honest, it sounds like you want to believe him. Obviously you do!

So, I think you need to just forget about it and move on. Seriously.

You're never going to get this proof you need so you have to make a decision otherwise you'll drive yourself mad.

Choose what to believe and get on with your life!

PetalMettle · 19/03/2017 09:56

I wonder if they were in the taxi queue together and he's forgotten, or she was in front of him and heard him talking about you and got annoyed. Just thinking the 3ams would fit

oklumberjack · 19/03/2017 09:57

I'm not buying her version of events either. Whoever said upthread that if you're so pissed you pick up a stranger, split up from your mates and take them back to your flat - you don't kick them out and then go and find your mates again at stupid o'clock in the morning. You stay in bed and sleep it off. I think he's being truthful.

Who knows why some people do weird things like send random messages. Recently a friend of mine had an anonymous essay letter left on the windscreen of her car warning her off a man she was seeing. She's not seeing him anymore but she never got to the bottom of who it was or why they knew where her car was.

People can be bloody odd.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 19/03/2017 10:05

No Mysweet nothing him or his brothers have said doesn't add up, nothing from what he's friends have posted on social media doesn't add up either.

The only people who know on my side about the messages are me, him and my friend. I've still got his phone, none of his mates have messaged him other than one asking if he was feeling rough and one saying he'd lost his jacket and how much he'd spent.

My friend looked through, hers and her friends instagram and we were in the same places for some of the night. That wouldn't be unusual though it's not a massive town.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 19/03/2017 10:11

She's lying. It just doesn't add up.

I don't think a group of drunken blokes would go to the effort of faking photos in a takeaway to cover up for him. Especially as according to her, they didn't know where he had gone or what he was doing.

The only question is whether you call her on it or ignore her. I would be so angry that someone had tried to destroy my relationship like that.

Dreadfulidea · 19/03/2017 10:16

I think you should just move on from this too. He isn't being a dick in other ways and normally behaves. Until you can prove it one way or the other, who knows. But he is your partner and part of that is trusting him. It doesn't sound on here that you have the gut feeling he's a cheat.
She sounds a bit of a stalker. She doesn't have anything to lose winding you up. The drama feeds her " I'm part of his life" senario.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 19/03/2017 10:20

oklumber I can't imagine he has sex with her and then went back to find his mates, if nothing else the timing still wouldn't have worked. She says left at 3, the taxi to his would be 20/30 mins, so 3.30ish then say they had a hour to 4.30, for her to be getting home for 5, he'd be meeting his mates again at 5. Nothing from any of his mates show them still out at that time.

The only way she's telling the truth is if his mates all know and change the time on phones etc so the videos and photos show at a different time. I don't buy that!
Or she's mistaken on time and he left with her earlier giving him time to get home. But there still photos and videos from the club, so not sure when that could have taken place.

I don't know!!! I feel like one of those girlfriends now, checking up on him and questioning anything he's said or done.

And I hate that, it's not me at all!!! We don't have that kind of relationship, he goes out, I go out, no worries!!

OP posts:
Elaisa · 19/03/2017 10:20

I am with your DP's side on this one.

If it was my DP in question and how drunk he would have been after all those shots and drinks, I would be 99% sure he would not be able to have sex and surely not have sex + few other sexual things like she is saying. You know your boyfriend, would he be able to have sex being that drunk as he was?

oleoleoleole · 19/03/2017 10:22

I think she's lying.

Message her and say thanks for the info and leave it at that. Silly girl! I think it's obvious your OH is telling the truth.

SeaCabbage · 19/03/2017 10:23

Two things - there's no way she wouldn't have used the bathroom.

Also, his brother sounds lovely, making sure he slept in with him in case he was sick.

I think this girl is a jealous troublemaker. It is hard to understand why some people would do this but there are some weird people out there.

Graceflorrick · 19/03/2017 10:26

I think you should leave it, tell him you believe him and move on. If anything like this happens again you know to leave immediately. Good luck OP Flowers

oklumberjack · 19/03/2017 10:27

Emboo, she wants to turn you into one of those insecure girlfriends. I would be doubting everything too.

As Sherlock Holmes says "when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth"

However in your case, the 'probable' has all the evidence in its favour. The phone logs, the photos, the video footage etc. I would sit tight for now and see if she shows her hand. If she's up for stirring trouble (which I think she is) she'll be itching to say something else.

DaisyBlameless · 19/03/2017 10:29

I think she's a trouble maker.

I would message her to say that you've got proof she's lying, no idea what game she's playing but not to contact you again.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 19/03/2017 10:30

You poor love, I don't know how you can know if she's telling the truth or trust him now, it would play on my mind forever. Unless you message her from his phone saying 'nice try, but I have videos of me with my mates out still when you claim we were at my place to prove you're full of shit' and see what she replies.

If someone out of the blue accused my DH, I'd be devastated. I don't like to cast doubt on a fellow woman, but I'd struggle to believe that of my husband. This is a tough one.

nonameinspiration · 19/03/2017 10:34

I think she's lying. His version is his brother went home with him and slept in his room all night in case he was sick. So a bloke that drunk can't have calculated all this!

MysweetAudrina · 19/03/2017 10:35

Don't give her anymore of your head space she has gotten enough attention even though it probably wasn't the type she really wanted but I guess attention through trying to destroy what you perceive others have because it's what you want is better than feeling irrelevant in her mind. It doesn't add up timewise anyway. If they left club at 3 then surely she would have crossed paths with his brother and friends when they arrived home with the pizza and anyway he has photographic evidence of the pizza place so even if they were all in on it and he brought her home with the pizza it's not what she was saying. None of it adds up. It's sad to think that there are people who would do stuff like this. If everything else is ok in your relationship i would just delete and block her from all sm and let it go.

Pepperedpig · 19/03/2017 10:39

I think she's lying her story just doesn't add up.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 19/03/2017 10:45

Thanks everyone,
I'm going to leave it for now and not message her or anything, I'm sure by now she's seen the photos etc his friends have put up.

I'll ask his brother later and I know people think it's unlikely he tell the truth and not lie for his brother, but I really don't think he'd lie if I ask him outright. Plus he's really bad at lying so I think I'd be able to tell!!

We are taking dd swimming now and going for lunch after, so I'm just going to try forget about it all!

OP posts:
Keepingupwiththejonesys · 19/03/2017 10:47

Who phoned the taxi that your bf and his mates ended up getting? Just ask him to show you the call log if it was him, if the times with that add up with his story I'd be very inclined to believe him.

Those saying the toilet thing proves nothing. Well no, its not solid proof she's lying but I don't know anyone who would be really drunk, travel 30 minutes in a taxi, have sex or whatever and then not need to use the bathroom. Whether that's for a clean up or a wee. Its one of those daft things but does make her story less believable.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 19/03/2017 10:49

He definitely would lie for him emboo, he's his brother and it would also hurt you telling you. If he's not a good liar though and you just come out with it mid conversation I think there's a good chance you'd be able to tell if he was hiding something

BounceBounceSplishSplash · 19/03/2017 10:51

^ how do you know he would definitely lie for him Keeping? All these posters speculating about people they don't know or have never met.

No one can use the word 'definitely* as they really don't know!

Original poster
Emboo19 · 19/03/2017 10:53

Yes the bathroom is pretty distinctive too, and there's no way she'd guess the colour, so if she'd been able to tell me that I'd know she'd been at his.

And no Elasia I don't think he would have been up for what she's said, given how drunk he is in the videos. The one on his phone his brother and mates are saying just that, when he's trying to get his phone back, to phone me to 'come get him' apparently he's also forgotten I'd been out drinking earlier so wouldn't be getting him anyway.
The only chance would be if it all happened earlier and she can't tell the time!

OP posts:
blonde91 · 19/03/2017 10:57

I've read through your posts emboo and I think I believe your DP.

She sounds like a mad fb groupie who likes all his photos etc.
and when she saw him out in town probably stalked him then. Overheard him and his brother when he was trying to get hold of you and come home to you but brother stopped him. So that's how she knew he'd be going back to his and not yours.