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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do, message from another woman?

451 replies

Emboo19 · 18/03/2017 09:57

I received a Facebook message early this morning 5am time, only just seen it when checking my emails though. From a girl, I don't know saying she was with my boyfriend last night after I left and went back to his place. No more details than that and just a sorry, didn't realise he had a girlfriend and baby.

My boyfriend was out for his birthday yesterday, I met up with him around 8pm and came home around 11.30. Him and his friends were going to a club. My friend came back with me and was staying over and I knew dd would be asleep in my room. He was already drunk so I said he should stay at his place. Did get a drunken text around 3am from him, which was a bit unusual for him.

I showed my friend and she said to message her for more details, see if it checks out. I'm more inclined to just ask my boyfriend when he gets here later. My friend thinks that's very naive of me.

No issues of cheating ever and I've had no reason to doubt him before. He was out with his brother, friends and some of their girlfriends. His brother and one friend I think would tell me if he did anything anyway.

What would others do? I feel like asking her or anyone else, is like not trusting him really and I'd probably be annoyed if it was the other way and he didn't just ask me.
But then if I just ask him, as my friend says, he has a chance to lie and cover his tracks. I really don't think he would though.

OP posts:
bloodyfuming9 · 18/03/2017 19:07

Didn't the op text his mates and brother earlier? They would have covered for him definitely!
If you use his facebook to message her, the message should be really specific, as in 'why did you tell my g/f we had sex last night'? so she can reply very specifically- hopefully with something like 'because we did!'
I'm sorry, but I think he did cheat on you, and his mistake was to tell the OW that he had broken up with you, which made her feel lied to and used by him.

Emboo19 · 18/03/2017 19:07

He does get a lot of girls messaging and liking pics etc! He's always trueful if he gets something a bit more X rated sent or if he gets someone more persistent. He's only just changed to have a personal Instagram and fb separate to the band, so there's people on his personal ones who he doesn't really know. He's going to go through and delete people unless they're actual friends.

OP posts:
gobbelinothewitchescat · 18/03/2017 19:08

Another vote from someone who thinks he's telling the truth emboo - your gut instinct is usually right and you believed him from the beginning. He's not being shifty and it's completely understandable to have people on your Facebook you don't know that well - especially if he has a lot of people adding him. She sounds mental - it must be pretty tempting to lay into her but it's probably better for your mental health to forget she exists - but what a nasty thing for her to do!

PowerPantsRule · 18/03/2017 19:16

I think she is lying and he is telling the truth because of this: "She said no one else went back with them, and his mates didn't see him go. One of her mates did though and she'll back her friend up. "

FAR too convenient - no one saw them except her friend, yeeeeaaaaahh right.

He's being honest and she's a groupie who is making a play for him by splitting you up.

OurFlo · 18/03/2017 19:20

I still think you have some unanswered questions...how did she know he didn't go home to you last night? She is clearly active on his Facebook and knows he has a partner and child, my assumption would have been he went home to yours. Do I recall correctly that she said her friend could corroborate her story?

I find it quite sad that the majority of posters now feel it more likely that some random woman just decided to message a virtual stranger(by his account)'s partner on Facebook to tell her he'd cheated on her, than the alternative. I think that for every such woman who is capable of that, there are 20 men that have cheated and 20 men that have lied.

That said, him being in a band makes that more likely, it shouldn't but it does.

ButterflyFree · 18/03/2017 19:23

That's a good sign OP that he usually shares with you/shows you/tells you about any girls who are sending inappropriate things or being particularly persistent trying to contact him on FB or insta - same with my DH. As long as he's transparent with you about those things and he has no qualms about handing over his phone to you then I truly believe he has nothing to hide. Especially as you've even mentioned that you have his login details.

Will he confront her about why she lied and contacted you, or just ignore & block?

Underthemoonlight · 18/03/2017 19:27

I think hes cheated people don't tend to randomly say they slept with someone's BF the fact he has his own place and he didn't answer his calls for the majority of the morning is very telling he could have discussed his story in person to his brothers who will lie for him. My ex who was also cheat had a mate who got all his mates to swear blind to his partner he hadn't when one of the other lads gfs let slip he had cheated.

Nicegurl · 18/03/2017 19:29

The video/photos in the takeaway are the thing which make me think he's telling the truth. She said they left the club together, and people would notice if he was with a random girl in a takeaway at the end of the night. Not really something someone does before a shag surely?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/03/2017 19:43

How strange that a woman who socialises in the same circle as him would make herself look like some sort of mad person who wants to sabotage his relationship by making up lies. Confused
I just find the whole thing really weird.

OurFlo · 18/03/2017 19:47

Met a girl in a club, went home, slept with her, threw her out. She has at no point said they have been exchanging messages...

How does the fact that there is nothing on his phone prove that it didn't happen exactly as she said?

PollytheDolly · 18/03/2017 19:51

I think he's telling the truth.

Sorry you've had to go through this OP and your other half.

RebootYourEngine · 18/03/2017 19:56

I believe him. If him and his pals had a heavy night of drinking and they all went home i think they would still be curled up in bed today and not round at your bfs house. Also if you were taking a girl home for sex you wouldnt really be mucking around in a takeaway shop. Especially when you have a gf and child.

Emboo19 · 18/03/2017 20:00

OurFlo I wondered that about her knowing he hadn't come here and I don't really know! He was definitely in the pizza shop after 3am though, and very drunk!

The messages I looked to see if he'd messaged his friends or them him. According to her his friends didn't know he'd gone and so I'd imagine they would have tried to reach him, knowing he was very drunk and had just gone off on his own. Obviously he could have deleted them though!

I'm not 100% on his innocence by any means. I'm finding the whole thing quite confusing and not really sure why or how she could/would make it up.
That said my friend found out a fair bit about her night out from snooping this morning so I guess it can be done.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/03/2017 20:10

Sending lying messages to someone's girlfriend is very malicious so I can't quite understand her motivation. She's cast herself in a very bad light if that's the case, particularly as it will all come out in her circle of friends.

If all is well in your relationship otherwise, then I suppose give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.
I hope you can move past this.

OurFlo · 18/03/2017 20:16

Emboo I so hope he is telling the truth for you and your baby. We are all colored by our own experiences and none of us have fitted exactly in your shoes.

What's your gut telling you? Trust it. 99 times out of 100 it will be right Flowers

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 18/03/2017 20:19

Another thing you can check is logging into his phone account to check his billed calls and texts. Will only show outgoing, not incoming though.

Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 20:21

Now you've said about him being in a band and having girls after him, it all looks different ... from his reaction and everything else, I think he's telling the truth.

There is one PURE fact we know here: she lied to you. She said she didn't know he had a baby and a partner, but she completely did as she wrote 'aw, cute' on a pic of your baby on FB ... she totally knew about you guys, and totally lied about it.

My theory (and bearing in mind I've just been watching 'Miss Marple' - seriously - so feeling attuned to careful observation of behaviour ; ) is:

She has a massive thing for him. She is effectively one of the FB groupies. She may well never ever have met him and just approached him on FB along with all the other girls who like him but he doesn't know.

She was out last night and she probably knew it was his birthday from social media/whatever. She may even have known where you were all going. You went home at 11.30. I don't know if you were out in a public place then went home? She could have known he was on his own by you having left (she might have even been in the same place and seen you go).

She then is by all accounts in the same club. Maybe she went up to him, danced with him, had some conversation - who knows. Probably did have some contact with him. From that, from general hanging around, she could also have known that he was pretty out of it, and known they were going for a pizza and going to his brother's - all just through being close by the group, saying stuff like 'hey where you guys going now? What you going to do?' etc.

Who knows, she might even have staggered after them to the pizza place, etc.

I think basically she knew he was on his own and she probably tried to get in the group and then got left behind. And was herself drunk, and upset perhaps. Or pissed off. Or all of it. And then ... she stayed up all night drinking and God knows what, and then at 5am decided to cause trouble and message you.

She lied about not knowing about you and your baby, which is what makes me think the whole story from her is total bollocks.

Also, it sounds like all he wanted to do was come home to you, and they stopped him. That bit of the story wouldn't be necessary if they were lying - it's not the sort of detail they'd bother to make up, I think. And if we accept that he was drunkenly saying he wanted to go round to you, I highly doubt that at that point he instead grabbed the nearest (mad cow) and took her back with him to his brother's room and did whatever. I just don't think so. It doesn't work at all with the rest of his emotions.

I think she sent the message to stir things up and to have some continued contact with him/involvement. She was obsessing over him so she decided to contact you. She probably did it on a sleepless night drunken whim, and then sort of carried on answering.

Block her, forget it - I'm sure popstars get this kind of shit every day - and I really think his reaction even sounds too laid back to be lying. And I think he'd be too hungover and guilty to hide it well.

Maybe he was passed out and she raped him. ...

She sounds a bugger. I usually think the guy is lying when people relate stories on here, but in this case, I'm voting for your guy - I think he's telling the truth.

Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 20:24

I didn't mean I thought he was a popstar - just meant that if he ever does get really big, then there will be a lot more of this nonsense, I'm sure!

Emboo19 · 18/03/2017 21:14

He's definitely not a pop star Wingsifdesire would be easier if he were, as I'd probably be able to read about his anitics in today's papers!

I just can't quite get it straight in my head, that someone would go to all that trouble though. And what she'd hope to achieve from it.

I do know he was in the takeaway at the set time and there's a video on his phone, where his brothers taken his phone off him to stop him calling and he's filmed him, so that all fits and like you say, I can't see that being something they'd think to make up and unless one of them as been editing the videos on his phone, they're telling the truth about that part!!

I've only spoke to his brother on the phone and haven't told him why I wanted to know any of this. When I see him tomorrow, I'll tell him about the messages and ask him for the truth. I know he's his brother, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't lie to me and if he did I think I'd be able to tell!

OP posts:
Ferrisday · 18/03/2017 21:49

Again, you don't send someone a message like that at 5am if you "mean well"

She's lying
I'm very surprised at myself, I would never usually assume someone was being a bitch.
She's had her eye on him for a while.

How many FB friends does he have?

Chickoletta · 18/03/2017 21:51

I believe your man too. Some sad, groupie's trying to make trouble. You know that he was in the pizza shop mucking about with his brother and mates at 3am so it just doesn't add up that either he'd then leave them and shag her or that she was there with them all along and they'd just be filming themselves like this. Trust him and his brother and forget about the whole thing.

PetalMettle · 18/03/2017 21:58

I agree with @wingsofdesire 'S excellent long post
I would have a glass of wine and try and get some sleep

MadamePomfrey · 18/03/2017 22:09

I think to all those trying to figure out why she would do it your fighting a loosing battle why do trolls come on here and make all kinds of horrible shit up some people are just horrible and seem to get off on it! Op you seem to have done all you can to find out the truth and he seems to have behaved as I would expect talk to his brother but I think it's unlikely he was cunning enough to delete all evidence and get a story in place with his mates when he didn't know this girl had messaged you! I'd be inclined to believe the person you love and trust over a stranger

BenLinusatemyhomework · 18/03/2017 22:10

I think he's telling the truth. Everything ties in. He didn't get angry and defensive, just confused - this is a very good sign.

The likelihood of them all having been in the Pizza shop together at 3am and then all going their separate ways and then all meeting back at his place in the morning, hungover is very unlikely. If they didn't go back to his, where could they have gone?

As bewildering as it seems, I think she's shit stirring. Fangirls can be a bonkers breed, I used to work in the West End and some of the things that fans of stars would do would raise more than a few eyebrows, including being very spiteful to girlfriends (I know he's not famous but if he has a following then it's not inconceivable that someone has latched onto him as an obsession).

khajiit13 · 18/03/2017 22:25

I'd still message her from his acc saying "why have you messaged my partner?"

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