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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's just disappeared. What the fuck?

150 replies

Deeperthanathousandcuts · 15/03/2017 11:04

Divorced but was due to remarry this year. Madly in love with fiance, bought a house together in London and were planning our future together. Kids are staying with their dad this week (thank God!), I come home from Zurich after a shitty business trip and his stuff is gone. Every single thing he possessed. Tried to call him but goes straight to answerphone, tried to whatsapp him but my messages aren't being delivered. Frantically tried to contact him on all social media outlets but he's unfriended me?

The relationship was fantastic, we are financially secure, great sex life and lots of laughs, we'd only recentl returned from a winter vacation in Bali and had the best time. Only thing the fucker didn't take me off is snap chat and There was a snap on his story and in the background it looked like a woman's shoes.

No idea where he is, my kids are going to be devastated. He works away a lot so I don't even know where he is right now.

Lost and not sure what to do next

OP posts:
Montane50 · 16/03/2017 13:47

Awful situation x

Stormtreader · 16/03/2017 13:54

I know a friend of a friend whose long-term girlfriend did this to him - he blacked out (they dont know why), came to in the hospital to find messages on his phone from her saying shed left, the flat was emptied, bank account drained, no reason that he ever found out. I wouldnt believe it if I hadnt heard my friend talk about him before, the guy was really mentally messed up by the whole thing.
We even suspected that shed actively poisoned/attacked him to do it, there were rumours about her being seen with a "joint friend" of theirs, but it really does happen.

juneau · 16/03/2017 15:41

It's just so cowardly! Like the person leaving doesn't want to go through the aggro of having a discussion about it - so they just disappear. Utterly spineless, mean and cowardly.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 16/03/2017 20:50

It is so cowardly and cruel. Revolting human being, I don't know why others accept it, people should be completely ostracized for this kind of behaviour. Ugh.

I'm so sorry OP. Do you have to tell your children now? What will you say and how best to help them, when you're feeling terrible too? Flowers

MoominMamma3 · 17/03/2017 20:46

How're you doing OP? Been thinking of you Flowers

Toobloodytired · 17/03/2017 21:31

Ex did something similar in the fact he cut me out of his life, no contact, no replies.

When I finally got hold of him his words were "not interested, do want to know".

2 weeks later, he's confirmed it on fb with pictures....he was with someone else.

It's difficult to process as you wonder when they'll think "oh shit, I've made a mistake" & come back with their tail between their legs!

Hotpinkangel19 · 18/03/2017 07:22

How awful OP. Try to stay practical. Check bank accounts etc. X

Cricrichan · 18/03/2017 07:37

I'm sorry to hear this op and make sure you protect yourself financially. Did you both contribute equally to the deposit? Also, speak to your mortgage lender and say you've split up and get legal advice.

Deeperthanathousandcuts · 19/03/2017 16:17

Sorry for not responding sooner my head has been up my arse for most of the week. Against advice I visited his work to demand answers, I confronted him. He was shocked I think. Swears there isn't anyone else and that he just got nervous of getting married and all the expectations that come with being with me and my children.

I've told close friends and my family so have support. Kids are back tonight, missed them terribly but so unsure of what to say. He's asked I he can come back, I've told him to fuck off. My ex husband didn't hurt me like this so why I've let this fucker get to me in this way is a mystery.
Thankfully he took all his shit otherwise I probably would have Taken a scissors to his clothes. Sleep deprivation is hell and eating is non-existent. Kids back tomorrow, don't know what I'll tell them. Thanks for the messages they made me feel a little better during this nightmare

OP posts:
MrsCobain · 19/03/2017 16:48

Good on you for not taking him back. He did such a cruel thing it would be really hard to forgive that. You'll find the right words for your kids. Flowers

HmmOkay · 19/03/2017 16:59

You sound strong and in control.

Cheeky bastard asking to come back. After he moved out and blocked you without a word. Presumably things haven't worked out with Shoes Girl and you are the fall-back option. Thought he could just stroll back in probably.

Do check out your financial stuff. Just for peace of mind.

BonnyScotland · 19/03/2017 17:12

hugs ....warm wishes ... plenty hot baths and be kind to yourself lady x

Lilaclily · 19/03/2017 17:21

He asked if he could come back Shock well done op Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 19/03/2017 17:47

Come back!!?? What a fucking asshole.
Well done OP
I think you have to tell them a version of the truth
It's not gonna be easy though.
You can't eat but keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.

Hissy · 19/03/2017 22:19

He wins the spineless twat of the decade award!

Your dc should be back now, so I'm glad you're not alone. You really deserve as many hugs as you can get.

Have a great Sunday night with your dc.

frieda909 · 19/03/2017 22:26

Well done for telling him to fuck off! I'm utterly gobsmacked at this thread. He got nervous? So fucking what?! Packing up every single thing he owns took time and planning, it wasn't just a silly nervous impulse.

You sound fab and you deserve so much better!

anxiousnow · 19/03/2017 22:33

Well done OP. It's disgusting treatment. Never justified to not give an explanation. You sound strong, this man sounds pathetic. He shows how he responds under pressure. Appallingly. Where as you have shown how you act! Awesomely! He never deserved you or your DC. Please try and look after yourself and be proud of telling him to f off.

rollonthesummer · 19/03/2017 22:38

Were your kids back tonight, or tomorrow-it wasn't clear from your post. If tonight-what did you say?

NotAQueef · 20/03/2017 12:28

So glad you managed to confront him. WTAF does getting nervous have to do with literally disappearing from your lives without a word. Hope you're ok xx

squishee · 20/03/2017 16:29

Yes, well done for telling him to fuck off! It's all he deserves.

jcne · 20/03/2017 18:55

What a cowardly wankstain. Think of it as a lucky escape OP. Flowers

juneau · 20/03/2017 20:17

I don't blame you for confronting him - I think I'd have done the same. You DESERVE some bloody answers. How dare he just fuck off like that, without a word, block you so you can't contact him. He was shocked that you turned up at his work? He shouldn't have been, since he left you no other option for finding out what the fuck was going on. Good for you telling him to fuck off. I wonder why he moved out so utterly and completely and then, when you confronted him, asked to come back?

Huskylover1 · 20/03/2017 21:01

Oh you poor thing. What a bastard! My DH went through this, as well. His GF before me (or maybe the one before that, I get them confused), she did this. They lived together. She had a previous coke habit, but seemed to be over it. She was quite insecure. Anyway, he went on a rare lads night out, she couldn't handle it, and by the time he got home, she'd gone...totally unreachable for weeks on end....he didnt know if she was dead or alive....he eventually managed to contact her parents who confirmed she had slipped back in to her coke habit (which unfortunately went hand in hand with fucking random men) and he never saw her again....no explanation, nothing! She was extremely fucked up, and I suspect your OH could be too

It's easy to say don't take him back, but I'm sure some part of you could be tempted, but he'd have to do a lot of crawling and convincing that this was a one time blip....which perhaps would be easier to believe if he had crawled home, rather than him just saying this when you went to his workplace.

Fwiw, my first H did similar, although we didn't live together, but 6 months in to our relationship, he suddenly declared he might still love his ex and want to be with her. It was fucking New Years Eve, and he left me to go to her. I can still remember sitting there in is house, dumbstruck as to what had just happened, I even still had my stupid paper party hat on! He came back after 24 hours, begging forgiveness, which I gave (I was only 17), and we went for 20 years! Then he cheated and I left him, but that's not the point here.

My Sister's DH did the same! Went back to his parents with jitters, only to re-appear a day later. They are now married, ten years in and happy.

So, I'm not sure which way you should go here. Trust your gut, I guess. He'd have to do a lot of grovelling....it could be salvagable, just maybe...

Mix56 · 21/03/2017 07:35

You have a joint mortgage? His decamping was more than a simple wobble. He has/had an OW

BitOutOfPractice · 21/03/2017 07:44

Bloody hell he wants to come back when confronted?

Spineless twat

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