Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's just disappeared. What the fuck?

150 replies

Deeperthanathousandcuts · 15/03/2017 11:04

Divorced but was due to remarry this year. Madly in love with fiance, bought a house together in London and were planning our future together. Kids are staying with their dad this week (thank God!), I come home from Zurich after a shitty business trip and his stuff is gone. Every single thing he possessed. Tried to call him but goes straight to answerphone, tried to whatsapp him but my messages aren't being delivered. Frantically tried to contact him on all social media outlets but he's unfriended me?

The relationship was fantastic, we are financially secure, great sex life and lots of laughs, we'd only recentl returned from a winter vacation in Bali and had the best time. Only thing the fucker didn't take me off is snap chat and There was a snap on his story and in the background it looked like a woman's shoes.

No idea where he is, my kids are going to be devastated. He works away a lot so I don't even know where he is right now.

Lost and not sure what to do next

OP posts:
MrDacresEUSubsidy · 15/03/2017 13:24

Oh and this can and does happen IRL. I know it might sound far-fetched to some though.

I am friends with someone who actually did this to a former partner. He woke up one day and realised that he felt trapped in the relationship and his life and that the only thing he could do was leave. So he did - but he left all of his stuff behind, went back to his parents and told his former partner that he wouldn't be coming back. It was hard for her but he did at least tell her what he'd done rather than disappearing into thin air.

BlackMirror · 15/03/2017 13:25

This happened to another poster a few years ago and turned out she was pregnant. Awful cowardly bastards

BlackMirror · 15/03/2017 13:25

Call his parents?

lorelairoryemily · 15/03/2017 13:31

Wow. Poor you op, that is awful, such a shock for you. I have no experience to offer you advice but I really feel for youFlowers

Bluntness100 · 15/03/2017 13:42

One of my husbands friends did this years ago. Upped and left his wife, his ( very good) job, his friends everything, just fucked off. No notice, waited till she was at work , packed his stuff and literally just left.

I met him years later in an airport and he chatted away quite happily for a few mins. I never mentioned it , it would have been just too weird and he would have lied anyway, it felt quite uncomfortable, as although we were all close at the time, socialised together and they lived just round from us, all I could think looking at him was he was a real dodgy bloke.

His wife was totally devastated, newly weds, new house the lot, she kept phoning my husband and asking if he'd heard from him, but he hadn't, we never really found out why he did it, but suspected he had got himself into trouble and as such did a runner.

Honestly there is no point chasing them down, if they don't want you to know you won't.

I'm surprised at how many people pull this shit though. And I'd hazard a guess most of them are men.

Dakota1 · 15/03/2017 13:48

It seems this guy has been living something like a double life I suppose? I mean ... how well do you know hisbackground, what he does for work and how well do you think all of it can be proven? Have you tried contacting his friends/family/place of work?

Eatingcheeseontoast · 15/03/2017 13:49

My DH worked with someone this happened to - he got back from work one day to find out she'd cleared out the flat, run up a load of debts and just gone. He was off work for a week - which I thought was quite a short amount of time really.

Oldraver · 15/03/2017 14:04

This happened to another poster a few years ago and turned out she was pregnant. Awful cowardly bastards

Ah yes, Chunt... his OW was pregnant as well wasn't she ?

blueskyinmarch · 15/03/2017 14:08

Bloody hell OP. That is awful. I have no advice for you. I just hope you get some answers soon.

The80sweregreat · 15/03/2017 14:15

I did think that about a possible double life or a con man of some sort? i am sorry op - it does happen and you hear of people being duped who you would never think of as being hoodwinked, it can happen to anyone.
i hope this isnt the case and you can contact him soon. You need to get some answers.

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 15/03/2017 14:16

Good grief, what is the matter with people.

I wouldn't approach him at work. I would find out what you need to do in terms of finances/the house and write him a formal letter addressed to work.

Don't waste any energy on this waste of space.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 15/03/2017 14:23

This happened to a sibling of one of my friends - she'd bought a house with her partner, and one day he just upped and left without a word back to his home country. Turns out he was a wanted criminal and had been using a false identity here in the U.K.

She was the second woman he'd done it to in the U.K. and there was another in France I think. Was on Crimewatch and everything.

MinkyWinky · 15/03/2017 14:36

I hope you get some clarity soon. It's a really horrible thing to do to you.

Just so you know, as you weren't married and the children aren't his, this won't fall under family law. I believe it's property law (from when I split up with a long term DP)

The80sweregreat · 15/03/2017 14:39

Some people are just so good at the duping and double lives. quite breathtaking what people can get away with.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/03/2017 14:41

I must admit I've done similar.
Left his flat when he was at work one day.
Many moons ago before I had heard of stonewalling.
But he wasn't speaking to me.
Lasted a couple of days before I'd had enough and just left.
We did get back together when he realised that, as a grown up you discuss things and compromise, not just sulk until you get your own way.

Had it done to me as well.
Came home one day and he'd moved everything out (different guy)
A bottle of bubbles and card saying sorry.
I should have known then but I took him back.
He's now a very recent Ex after finding out he's a porn addict with many issues, being a lying cheating scumbag, one of them.

So it certainly does happen and more than you think.
I know how to pick 'em!?

Vegansnake · 15/03/2017 14:43

Check any bank accounts..this was planned,check what he's taken

The80sweregreat · 15/03/2017 14:45

yes, check your money, passport , finances on line banking ( change the passwords too) better to be safe than sorry.

HelenaGWells · 15/03/2017 15:04

So sorry to hear this. It baffles me that people do this but I have heard of it. As others have said get your financials on lockdown, check your credit report and seek advice re the house. Better safe than sorry.

Doubters with your AS if you think it's nonsense just report to MN and shut up. You can have a well paid job which involves going away and a good work life balance. I know people who do. The working away is well paid enough that they get compensated financially and with decent holidays. It isn't the ops fault if he is working away and didn't tell her.

Blossomflowers · 15/03/2017 15:37

Good grief OP how shocking for you. It is so strange, sounds to me like he is running away from something. Have you checked accounts yet, do you have a joint account? I would have to do everything in my power to find out why as it would eat me up. I hope you get some answers soon.

BlackMirror · 15/03/2017 15:41

Thought it was Lou or something? Probably more than one, sadly

wineusuallyhelps · 15/03/2017 15:52

So painful for you. Wishing you all the best from now on Flowers

This happened to a friend of mine after literally decades. Her husband moved out while she was at work and then emailed her a brief message. She had no idea it was coming and yes, there was another woman. What a coward. Her life is now better without him in it though!

FellOutOfBed2wice · 15/03/2017 16:00

Wow. What a mental case. Is the house in both names? I wonder what his plan is here if it is!!

Ellisandra · 15/03/2017 16:18

I absolutely would not be worrying about buying him out of the house.
He could wait his turn and go through legal channels on that and I'd make sure I added every delay I could to spite him Angry

I know that's not necessarily the best thing to do - but there you go.

Don't try to understand it (he's a cunt you're not is the best explanation) - change the locks and deal with the practicalities.

I would only contact his work if a short factual "he is missing without warning" is likely to embarrass him at work (and not reflect badly on you if you're in the same industry)

Again, not necessary or even sensible, but would do it for spite.

You poor thing Flowers

JustSpeakSense · 15/03/2017 17:08

I would definitely check bank accounts etc. Change the locks and wait for him to come seeking out his half of the property.

I'm sorry OP, but I'm guessing it's another woman he's left you for.

Once you have recovered from the initial shock and hurt you will realise that you have luckily dodged a bullet here.

PollyPerky · 15/03/2017 17:24

I think the OP said she wasn't bothered about the house etc and it was unlikely he'd want his share.

I have a friend of a friend whose DW did this to him decades ago. It's more common than you think- people leaving with no warning.

So sorry OP it stinks doesn't it, but at least you have a home still and his reputation will be in tatters.