DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

Do you have money that you have been saving for a car? If so, use that to get out now. That is far more important than getting a car. Also, what age is your DD? I somehow assumed that she was probably only about three but from your recent posts it seems she must be older, probably old enough to pick up on the awful atmosphere in the house. You need to get her out as well.

IMO men like this are like this because they hate not being in control, and they see women as having a useful role but one that must not impinge upon their set ideas about life.
He does not want you to have a car or drive deep down, because this means you have uncontrolled freedom and this does not fit with the image of a woman in his head.
He finds you very irritating when you talk/do things outside of this internal fixed idea of 'how life should be'.
Women cook and clean and raise children away from the man, and provide for the man after his long day. He doesn't want to tell you about his job because he doesn't see that it's part of a relationship. It's his job and it's 'private' to him and no need to share it.
Children do not come top of the hierarchy either - in money terms or attention. He will have a fixed idea about how children should be raised too, so far he's kept it quiet but I will begin to seep out slowly. His ideas on this, and everything will all be focused on what is best for him, and what suits him. So socialising doesn't suit him, so therefore it's not something he thinks is right. Driving isn't for him, so it's not right.
You cannot change a man who has these fixed ideas, because it's just so deep. He is aware enough that showing it all too soon will drive a woman away, so in the same way you hope he changes now, he's also training and changing you in the hope you will see his ideas are the better ones.

Run

I haven't read the entire thread.
I was gobsmacked when I got to the 20 months. Why on earth have you not left him? I thought you were going to say 20 years. You need to get out now and don't look back. He sounds vile, depressed or not you need to look after yourself and DC

Telling you that he doesn't feel valued IMO isn't quite true which is why it's confusing and doesn't make sense. He doesn't want to be involved with these things you want to do, but he needs to show you that you are the one in the wrong, to deflect you from what you are seeing in him.
He's aware he doesn't value you, and that you are cottoning on to this, so he needs a suitable and valid sounding throw back. That's quite classic. It will throw you off your train of thought and make you question your own decisions. Putting the idea in your mind that you have devalued him will subconsciously make you try harder to make him feel valued again, forgetting about your own value and worth.

In short terms, he doesn't value you, only himself. He will see many little things as being devalued by you and make a fuss about them. This will in turn make you panic you are the one at fault and put you own needs to one side to try to show him how valued he is to you

Everyone is right - he sounds worse and worse the more you write.
He wants a family unit but HIS actions mean that is not true.
He wants you to tow the line and do what he wants you to do.
He wants to control you and every aspect of your decisions.
He is horrible. Truly vile!
Detach detach detach.

Google narcissistic personality disorder - I think you might find he fits the bill.
Also please get the Lundy Bancroft book - Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
You will find your hideous DP in there as well.

Keep on with your plans to leave.
I had to rent for a while and had no LL reference and it was fine.
Speak to estate agents and see what you will need to enable you to rent somewhere soon.
It can take a while to set up so you should get the ball rolling asap.

I'm viewing a property tomorrow evening! It's available mid-April but I'll ask if I can push it back a week. Apparently I won't need a landlord reference... phew!

Yeah!
You are taking back control of your own life and that of your DD.
Well done.
I hope the viewing goes well but don't be disheartened if it doesn't.
I viewed quite a few before I found one that was suitable.
You may need to as well.
But this could be fate and it might just be perfect for you and DD.

That story about your DD's birthday is the most worrying and telling thing here, I think. It definitely would've rung alarm bells for me. He basically tried to sabotaged your special day out, a little girl's birthday... that's really mean. How is your DD around him?

Btw Kiki that's a really interesting perspective. His fixed ideals about how life should be seem to fit more than him simply being an abusive, angry man.

Star DD seems quite find of him but he is quite strict with her. He's also kind and buys her nice things occasionally... Although he's started to throw these back in my face which is massive insult as I've never asked him to buy her anything. He does pick her up from school on his days off.

Just caught up with the post! Good luck with the viewing. All the best to you and your daughter

Hope you can progress with your move!

Moving your dd in with a man after 5 months is more than it's outrageous.

HIs fixed ideals are what make him abusive towards you, because you don't fit or comply

Good luck with the viewing.

I think he would need a massive shock to really take stock of how his need for control has led him to a lonely frustrated life where he clearly isn't a happy man. That's not your job to help him get there. Don't allow his seeping misery to infect you and DR

DD

Oh Busy - listen to yourself. He's quite kind to your DD and buys her things occasionally and picks her up from school on his days off. You've set the bar really bloody low. That's the bare minimum a man should do who is effectively acting as a step dad.

And honestly, you've barely been single since your DD was born. I know it's hard parenting alone but once you've moved out from this latest creep, please be alone for a good while. I'm a single parent and I know it sucks but you really need to get yourself to a place where you're able to make good decisions.

Moving in with a man when you've only known him for 5 months is not a good decision. And it's putting your DD at risk.

Sorry - meant to say good luck with the flat viewing.

You have made a huge amount of progress in recognising this isn't right but I don't think you're quite ready for a relationship

Good luck with the viewing. I really hope to hear you and DD will be out of there soon

DD seems quite find of him but he is quite strict with her

Which I think will only get worse as time goes by. I wouldn't be happy about this.

He's quite strict with her

Final nail in his coffin for me I'm afraid. Get rid.

Argh just lost a long message I wrote!

Ok, basically I have a good friend who left an extremely abusive marriage who enlightened me to the fact that my ex (we'd split due to his cheating) had been emotionally abusive and controlling.

Recently (FOURTEEN YEARS after we split) have finally got Csa to get an attachment of earnings order awarded to my ex re maintenance, this is thanks to finally getting a case worker who 'gets it', I cried when the case worker (a man) said 'it's not about the money, he's trying to control you, he wants to know he's causing you worry' he'd seen his sister go through it.

I've had a few relationships in that time but dd has never met because they haven't panned out for lots of reasons. At this point I don't think I'll ever live with anyone again, I like my independence too much. That's the other extreme to you I know.

The friend I spoke of earlier is now remarried. To an absolutely adorable guy who loves her very much and her children.

Her children are now in the delightful teen phase and he often has more patience than her

When things get a bit fraught she's been known to head off to his mothers (also lovely) for a cuppa/wine and a chat while he speaks with the child who's struggling that day, then they all come together for a chat to sort it all out once everyone's feeling calmer. The children love him to pieces and he's just 'dad' to them. (Birth father did a disappearing act long ago). That's good step-parenting/supporting your partner with children.

He's also helped my friend rebuild her confidence further in terms of supporting her through retraining for the professional career she now has which she thought she was 'too stupid' to do.

As a couple they are pretty perfect.

I also have a friend who was walked down the aisle at her wedding by both her father and stepfather, it had been quite an acrimonious divorce between her mother and father but both men were excellent men who loved the children and prioritised that above all. All 3 adults had worked together post divorce to ensure the children always knew there was adults they could rely on and who loved them.

Posted too soon (and yes I know I'm going on a bit)

Point is there are good men out there who will love and support you and your child without feeling the need to control you.

Good luck with the viewing. haIt's rd but you are doing the right thing for you and your DD.

I've got another couple of viewings on Friday, one looks very promising.

I feel wretched though as I'm going to have to any fees for an application straight away, which makes it feel so real. That bit's quite exciting but what I'm not enjoying is the deception. I'm going to to have to keep this a secret from DP until nearer the moving date. I'm leading him on and living in his house while I'm doing it.