DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

He doesn't love you. It's not about you to him. It's about HIM. That's all he cares about.
You seem kind and bright. You know he's a wrongun. Everything is about control and wearing you down bit by bit till you don't question him ever only yourself.
Pull you in push you away. You know this pattern you have seen it before just because he isn't using his fists it's still abuse.
Keep saving you are doing great keep the plan in your head.
He is not who he wants you to think he is. He's been pretending to be kind, nice, patient it's done now he can't keep it up.

I mean - for fuck's sake - you have been with him less than 2 years.

First birthday he succeeds in making you take away your daughter's overnight trip to London - and he partially succeeds. You choose to go for one day only.

Second birthday he's trying to stop you going entirely.

I'll ask you again: explain to me where the love for you is in that behaviour?

He's pushing to see just how much he can fuck with your plans and make you do that he says.

If you think that's love, you desperately need the Freedom Programme / therapy. It's not fair on your daughter

It really isn't love!

You're right. This is an unhealthy and controlling relationship. I'm gutted.

Every update makes him sound more and more like bad news. Red flags all over.
Cut your losses.

It's becoming more obvious in our everyday conversations. Like when he argued with me about buying my car. He tried to reason that it was a significant amount of money each month. I agreed but reasoned back that we have very separate finances, it would be my salary sacrifice not his and I'm spending more than that on driving lessons and taxis at the moment so it just wouldn't affect the household finances. I told him I would only ask him to contribute to petrol occasionally and he retorted that he wouldn't do that as it would be my car so he shouldn't have to pay. I I explained I meant only for long journeys, like a trip to Wales for example. He remained firm that he wouldn't contribute to petrol, ever. Then stormed off saying that he didn't care as he won't ever go in the fucking car.. That left me quite confused!

You've only been together 20 months! You moved in too quickly on the the rebound from dd dad. Cut your losses and get some counselling for your relationship choices this is all damaging to your poor dd.,

*He's twigged that you are losing patience with him and is deflecting all the blame for this back on you. Classic passive aggressive behaviour. Especially not eating because he knows you will feel guilty and try to mother him.

And why should you consult him over your DD's music teacher? He's scraping the barrel of finding fault with you there.*

Agree with this totally.

In a 'normal' relationship people don't get annoyed about this stuff. You feel relaxed, happy and appreciated. Whatever his reasons for this behaviour it's not going to change is it? He's going to question and query the decisions that most people do without thinking. He is not a good man.

I wouldn't invest any further in this relationship. Fast forward 10 years, how is DD going to describe what it was like growing up in the household as it is at the moment?
What do your friends and family think of him? Who's supportive of you?
I think you've done incredibly well to maintain as much independence as you have. Don't let him extinguish your spark.

OP I think others have done a great job of explaining the controlling behaviours in detail, so I just want to tell you this. I saw my ex in what I just read. My undeniably-without a doubt-completely-definitely abusive, controlling, narcissistic, absolute bastard ex. Please. Get out.

"Then stormed off saying that he didn't care as he won't ever go in the fucking car.. That left me quite confused!"

You are expecting him to be reasonable. He is not.

Having read your updates I agree that this does not seem to be a healthy relationship. I think you need to put you and your daughter first and leave him. It sounds like you might be happier just the two of you. Then you can make your own decisions without criticism.

Please work on leaving.

The birthday thing is shocking, what a prick to try to take away from you and your dd a lovely thing you do together.

And throwing a strop about the car.

He can't stand you to have an independent thought.

This man is a prick. Can you go to his work on any pretext, and see what is going on there?

He's hiding something. Whether a woman or work related issues, but he's up to something.

Add in the controlling aspects, and I'd be getting papers together ready to leave at the right time.

Every update makes him sound more and more like bad news. Red flags all over.

This pp has it in a nutshell. There's no rescuing this relationship - the man is an abusive arse and the mask is slipping. You know what you need to do. As I once read on MN:

“All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm's way.”
― Bell Hooks

Job or no job you should fire him OP.

And then do the Freedom Programme before embarking on any new relationship.

Well he won't ever go in the car - because you'll have dumped the shitty bullying stroppy fucker.

Right, so when he argued you don't treat him as part of the family unit, you need to turn it back to him... I expect a family unit to ALWAYS work together, which means both people pitch in doing housework after they both worked all day. You refuse to do it, and behave like I'm a maid.

On car/petrol - point out families don't work like this, so he can't have it both ways. Also, I'd tell him ok, I understand your principle on the car issue and you never need to contribute to fuel or maintenance. However, I also have my principles so if you insist on being petty, you can get yourself to our destination alone or you will pay me the equivalent of the bus / train fare to take you there.

Turn it around on him. Every. Single. Time.

Argue back. Every Single. Time.

You're a verbal punchbag for him unless you stand up for yourself.

I just wanted to clarify that I didn't jump into meeting DP. I was intentionally single (and happy) for 15 months, dated someone lovely for 9 months, had a couple of flings then met DP. I had two courses of counselling since leaving my marriage.

We did rush moving in together, it was actually after five months but everything seemed so perfect and he had a big house and pets just waiting for a family

I will book onto the freedom programme as I'm clearly not as independent as I strive to be. I desperately want to demonstrate healthy relationships to DD and for her to grow up to be independent.

I hope that setting boundaries with my parents has helped although it's resulted in them cutting me off. To be honest I feel quite lonely at times.

Oh OP. I'm sorry to hear that your dreams are crashing around you. I can only agree with what other posters have said, and that this man sounds like a manipulative, petulant, controlling b*stard who is only going to get worse.

Can I direct you, if you haven't read it already, to Reality's sterling message here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

You can totally do this! He's just a blip on your journey to a happy life with DD. It's ok to be sad about the loss of the family life you thought you were signing up for though.

I understand the feeling lonely. I am also low to no contact with my family and it does sometimes hit me, usually around xmas or birthdays, as being a horrible lonely place.

But he is an arse. I bought a new car for my job. My OH didn't care either way about what car it was as long as it was one that made me happy. However he did come round the showroom and look at all the engine stuff and log book details for me because he knew that I didn't know what I was looking for and he wanted to help.

With housework, we both work long days. He does bits and I do bits and while there are some days when we can not be bothered to do anything it is never said to be my job. Because it is his house too and he knows that he needs to contribute to the running and upkeep as well.

He sounds horrible. This could be a reaction to his new role or just his true colours coming through. Either way you have a duty to your daughter to teach her that her happiness is not dependant on a relationship and that if men treat her like a fool that she doesn't have to stand for it.

Get your stuff in order and leave him.

Thank you again for your encouraging messages... this is giving me a lot of strength.

I have read the beginning of Reality's thread but will revisit.

I'm so relieved that I stored my washing machine, tumble dryer and fridge/freezer in the shed rather than flogging - perhaps I knew on a subconscious level that something was amiss.

On a practical note, how am I going to be accepted for a rental without a landlords reference? I've got so much to sort out!

I might have misunderstood in the 15 months but you left your ex, dated somebody for 9 months & you were single for 6 but with flings?

This man had a lovely house with pets so you moved in after 20 weeks!! That's a bit mad Ted!

Even if you were single for 15 months this is not a long time. If you leave this man I'd suggest that you spend a period of time concentrating in yourself & your daughter with no man, potential man or flings in the picture.

The car thing; he is trying to prevent you from having the independence and freedom of being able to drive. He probably feels threatened by it more because he can't drive as well. A kind supportive partner would be encouraging you all the way and be excited for you gaining more independence. The fact he is so negative about it speaks volumes about his itentions.

No Nelly I was completely single for 15 months following on from my marriage.