DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

Graphista it's good to know there are some great guys out there :)

It's not deception.
It's getting away cleanly and safely and protecting yourself and your DD.
He's brought this all on himself.
Save your pity as he doesn't deserve it.

My dear Busy he is abusive. That is clear.

But he's not angry.

Abusers aren't angry, they manufacture anger and use it to get what they want when they want it. Or they'll let things slide at the time it do things off their own backs but then use them as currency when they need to.

Please be very careful in this phase of your life, cover your tracks and activities and ideally find a way to move first then advise.

Your dd needs to be in a safe place too while this happens.

I'm not saying that it's a done deal that he'll do anything to harm you, but people like him don't like losing control over people like you.

It means that they will have to go to the enormous effort of finding another victim, and pretend to be nice again for 2 years.

Being nice is fake and exhausting to them.

Good luck Busy it sounds like you're taking back some control.

Just been to parents evening... DD is bright and doing as well as she should be but lacks confidence. Story of my life! I don't want lack of confidence and anxiety to affect DD like it has me. It just makes me more determined to remove her from a toxic home environment. If that means keeping my cards close to my chest for the next few weeks then so be it!

Too right.
You are doing what you need to do and showing your DD you don't put up with a usive dickheads is a great way to help build her confidence.
When you are out you can work on yourself.
I'm glad she's doing well. I used to hate parent evenings.

Well done busy

You are doing really well. Please keep in touch on MN. You may find that he starts acting extra nice, so be aware of that as it may be because he suspects an oncoming mutiny. Be very clever, one step ahead, and don't be taken in. X

You are doing really well. Yes as teal says he may well start being 'mr perfect' if he senses you withdrawing.

Well done for getting some insight into what's happening.

It seems like a harder road when you go it alone, but in reality, I think it turns out easier than living with someone who's not got your best interests at heart.

And it does mean keeping your cards close to your chest. Move quietly. Along with other things, I'd suggest doing a 'mental inventory' of things in the house that belong to you. Furniture, knick knacks, kitchen stuff.

Then decide how you will move. Will you be able to peaceably move out? Will you have to move out when he is gone? If you'll be able to leave peaceably with all your stuff, good. If not, start making a mental priority list of things you absolutely cannot leave behind and things you can leave and try to retrieve later. And if you can, try to start removing things that either won't be missed or saying you're having a 'Spring clean' and store them with friends or consolidate them somewhere.

He was nice last night but we spent the evening in separate rooms and I went to bed earlier. He wouldn't eat with DD and I and had toast on his own for tea. He was acting like everything was fine.

I called him during lunch to keep things normal and he shouted at me because I've arranged to visit a friend over two nights one weekend when DD is with her dad. It's the first time I've gone somewhere on my own overnight since we got together. Apparently I didn't discuss it with him and I clearly don't want to be a couple. He kept saying things like "what's the point?" but not really clarifying what he meant by that. And he got angry very quickly. He also seemed to want to keep me on the phone to argue, which reminded me of DD's dad. Do I just have this affect on men??? It's so confusing.

I agree I need to be a bit sneaky about it. I'm worried about DP's anger. I'm going to gather paperwork and have a bit of a 'spring clean' as suggested and see if I can store some stuff with my sis.

To be honest I'm a little bit concerned about how the next six weeks are going to pan out.

Op read the full thread and glad that you are seeing the light. He is showing his true colours and really trying to break you down.

Normal/good partners, support your wants and needs. Should encourage you to spend time outside of the rl with other people.
And not be a snappy miser about everything if no depression is present.
He seems to want you treading on eggshells around him .

Gd over the next coming weeks.

Do I just have this affect on men???

Of course not! Say rather that because of your upbringing you are less able to spot - or more likely to forgive - certain behaviours that might lead a warier woman to run for the hills before they got sucked in.

It's not you - it's them.
Agree with PP, due to your upbringing you seem to not spot the red flags as quickly as others might. WA Freedom Programme can help you with that once you are ready.
But that is NOT your fault!
Go away for your lovely weekend and ignore his ranting.
Blimey I'd go away all the time and leave my OH behind to visit friends.
His response... Have a great time, here's £20 so you can buy them all a drink from me!!!
He's turned out to be a lying cheating twat anyway but it's just an example for you.
For now, fake it 'til you make it.
Nod when you should. Yes dear, No dear, 3 bags full dear - PA head-tilt!!
Your plans are great. Move important stuff out slowly and sneakily.
Hope the viewings tomorrow go well and you find just what you need.

Good luck with the viewing.

Regard the next few weeks as a massive Spring clean. Both on a level of making sure all your belongings are right where you can find them and of your life in general.

You're doing so well OP. It's not an effect you have on men - it's that you've been targeted by abusers with a similar MO. Sorry
I agree with pps - keep your head down, keep the peace and keep quietly preparing.

At least he's making it easy for you to know he's abusive.

Keep this thread going as when he starts to be nice you might forget all the horrible times.We all want to see the good in people but we need to be wary, especially when there are children involved.

The next 6 weeks you do what you have to do. You try to act normal. Remember now that the main thing is to allay his suspicions. So, as hard as it is, no new 'independent streak', iyswim. If you've normally let him have his way on certain things, keep doing it. Grit your teeth and think about the long game. It won't be easy, it's so tempting to shout "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, I'm leaving you!!!". Don't. Just keep on with the same ol' same ol' and make your plans then carry them out.

But I'll add. If you are truly concerned about his anger, you need a 'bug out bag'. That's enough clothes, meds, and necessities for you and DD for 3 days and enough cash for transportation and 1 night in a hotel.

If you are able to pack a bag and hide it, that's great. If not, put the things all together in the back of one of your drawers or a cupboard so they can be grabbed at once and stuffed in a bag in a hurry. Many, many years ago, I had mine packed and stuffed in a black trash bag with a sheet (so it looked & felt like 'extra' linens) and hidden under the bed. Luckily, I never needed it. Well, I should have used it a few times, I admit, but when I finally wised up I kicked him out and he went relatively peacefully.

That's great advice re a packed bag.

He's been acting quite strangely this evening. Sulking as usual. I took DD to her activity as usual, got her home again and put her to bed. He cooked tea but didn't tell me, just took it into the lounge (we used to eat at the table). I joined him for tea, made small talk and recieved one word answers. Thanked him for cooking and tried a bit more chat... Nothing. Asked if he was giving me the silent treatment and he retorted that I hadn't been talking to him. I asked why he was pissed off and he told me he was upset. I tried to justify that if either of us should be upset it should be me due to him shouting at me earlier. He told me he was frustrated. I told him that didn't make it okay to shout at me. He answered that it did and that he's allowed to feel emotions. We fell silent for a few minutes so I told offered him a cup of tea... No. Okay well I'm off to bed.

I made said tea, walked upstairs and then heard him make himself a cup of tea!? While I was in the bathroom he came upstairs and got changed then walked silently passed me to go downstairs again as I came out of the bathroom kitchen kind of half smiled at him). He then walked slowly upstairs again to use the loo... We have a loo downstairs.

I was on our bed, which is directly opposite our bedroom door. It's got a crack in the middle (concertina) and he just stood on the other side. He switched the landing light off so it was dark his end and light on my side. I could feel him staring her at me so I just stayed still. He stayed for ages and so after a whole I leapt up and reached for the door. He started waking downstairs and didn't say anything.

It's quite unnerving.

He also keeps leaving the back door open so there is a draft through the house. He knows I hate it when he does that.

He's not reading this thread is he? Sounds really weird.

Op you mention your dd's name in your last post. Do you want to get it deleted?

I've already requested it. What an idiot! Thanks though

Ok...get out now...is there anyone you could stay with until New place ready? I think this is esculating. Be safe

It's as if he is checking up on you as he knows what you are up to.