DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

Just had a really confusing discussion with DP. Apparently I don't treat us like a family and consult him in my decisions... Like finding a music tutor for DD (old school friend) and choosing my first ever car (he doesn't drive and has no intention of doing so), which I haven't ordered yet as want to make the right choice. Also planning to visit extended family he hasn't yet met over the summer - I knew he wouldn't want to go but asked him if he wanted to join. He doesn't want to go.

I don't know if he has a point.

I did raise the lack of help last night and he said he didn't want to help as has been working all day so therefore didn't have to. He's sulked all evening and when I called him up on it he told me I was trying to control his emotions. He hasn't eaten as claims not to be hungry (when he normally has a big appetite and complains if I don't cook a big enough meal to sustain his 12 hour days.)

He did seek quite sincerely hurt when telling me I don't value him or include him in my decision making. I always discuss things with him but ultimately I can make my own decisions and I think that's okay. I offered him examples of it going the other way round and he told me that if I had objected to any of his decisions he wouldn't have gone ahead with them.

Now I don't know who is in the right.

He's giving you totally mixed signals. He doesn't acknowledge DD at bedtime yet for some reason is pissed off that you're going to see your extended family which he has opted out of!?

He has no point

If he wants a maid he can pay for a maid.

Your DD ALWAYS comes first. He cannot be butthurt if you're putting her first. You are your own person- if you want to do something you do not need to run everything past him.

I really don't get his behaviour OP.

And FYI- he is definitely not in the right.

He is arguing weird and ridiculous angles to try and trip you up.

And sulking. SULKING?! What age is he?

He's twigged that you are losing patience with him and is deflecting all the blame for this back on you. Classic passive aggressive behaviour. Especially not eating because he knows you will feel guilty and try to mother him.

And why should you consult him over your DD's music teacher? He's scraping the barrel of finding fault with you there. Hope you're OK.

Does his mysterious uniformed job make him an expert on music tutors or car purchases? Thought not.

He's a manipulative twat. That is all I have to say

He's successfully turned this around on you, don't let him!

As for sulking he needs to realise he's not four so do not pander to him

He is putting out feelers to limit your life - he wants a say in the car you buy and no car will ever be the right one, until you give up. He's not interested in your extended family and would rather cut you off from them (ex did this to me). It's a common control tactic.

By not treating you like a family, he means having your own opinion.

And not hungry is just another controlling ploy. My ex was often "not hungry". Found out he'd had a massive portion of fish and chips a few hours before getting home on at least one of those occasions. I stopped cooking for him at all, at that point.

Seriously what does this man bring to your life? He's not being open with you and then totally turning it round on you while still not answering your question about what he's doing at work. Ask yourself, would you be happy if it was your dd in this relationship in years to come?

Don't know who's in the right? I'll tell you. He's a total arse.

Sorry if that hurts OP, but he is.

Sometimes kindly advice is quite stark, but it's well meant and cuts straight to the point

At first I presumed he was a firefighter as they have a 4 on/off shift pattern. If so id be surprised if they have a canteen-most stations now have a mess where they all chip in cooking/buying the food. Another curious comment is he doesn't drive, which i find unusual for any uniformed service-whats his job op? Its not adding up right now

Now I'm convinced

This guy is seriously bad news!!!

He's trying to make you think the bad moods are your fault. I would refrain from suggesting the GP and just be polite and civil, while you plan your exit. Your recent posts have control written all over them.

Apparently I don't treat us like a family and consult him in my decisions.

(This means "you aren't ask my permission and you should be")

he didn't want to help as has been working all day so therefore didn't have to

(This means "I am more important than you")

He's sulked all evening and when I called him up on it he told me I was trying to control his emotions. He hasn't eaten as claims not to be hungry

(This means "I am pouting because you dared call me on my behaviour")

he told me that if I had objected to any of his decisions he wouldn't have gone ahead with them.

(This means "I can say that because it's never been put to the test")

These are all classic signs of controlling behaviour. So is the situation with the canteen, his not eating food up to his 'standard', and I'm sure if you think about it, you'll think of others. It has to be 'his way or the highway'. I think if you think about times when you've disagreed you'll probably find that you gave in more than he, and that when he's given in it's been over minor things.

I think you need to take a long hard look at him, at this relationship, and whether or not you want to continue with him. Because controllers never get better, they only get more controlling.

Op, as far as I can tell you still don't even know what you're ops actual job is. you must know this is abnormal right?

Another here who thinks he doesn't sound like a good person to hitch your wagon too, we all have our flaws but it seems like he lots of negative personality traits than is acceptable.

Secretly hoping this was another Spunkle Wentworth thread

He sounds like an utter knob! Seriously, the walking out of restaurants and turning his nose up at food you have cooked would be enough alone for me to dump him, let alone all the other shit. Come on OP, you deserve better than this utter tosser!

He works in a big warehouse where they carry out repairs and maintenance on consumer goods. I no longer know what area he works in, how many teams/people are under him and if he has supervisors again like before. Apparently he was asked to move to help out. That's literally all I know!

There have been signs of control and I've raised these with him but he's always told me I'm sensitive and just because I've been abused in one relationship I shouldn't assume it's happening in this one. I once arranged a play date during a weekend he was off and he went nuts! The thing is the other family has invited us all to join them. He refused to discuss it until the last minute and so I has already arranged to go without him and he got upset.

For DD's birthday I take her to London every year and he joined us two years ago. Last year were invited to stay with DD's Godmother but DP didn't feel comfortable staying in their flat and didn't want to pay for a hotel so we just arranged to visit for the day. He then cancelled last minute (as he didn't agree we should go) so just DD and I went. After we came back he told me it's too much time take her for her birthday each year and next year we shouldn't take her!? As if that's up to him? It was me who paid for it all and I put money aside for it specifically.

He's just given me a hug goodbye and used a cutesy voice to talk about the dogs... Erm, why are you suddenly talking to me after your mammoth sulk last night?

Apparently his last relationship ended because he wasn't that into her and the one before that because she was manipulative and controlling. It was his friend who pointed it out to him. I honestly didn't think he was like that.

I think he does love me but has very unhealthy ways of expressing himself.

Hmm his last girlfriend was manipulative & controlling. Transference?

He has you walking on eggshells.

An ex did this. when at the very end I asked him why he treated me so badlyhe said 'because you let me'. Don't let him!

He's controlling, his act is failing and his mask is falling.
Soon he will have you thinking 'it's all you'

He doesn't love you. Or he wouldn't treat you so badly.

You hardly knew him when you moved in (and moved your dd in with him) but you're getting to know him now.

I'm sorry but he's definitely a wrong un. Not as bad as your ex probably but not acceptable. He's moody, demanding, controlling and gaslighting.

You think he does love you?

Then you have a totally fucked up idea of what love is.

Love is bending over backwards to make sure you can still do your regular birthday outing for your daughter, not sabotaging it

That was your daughter's regular treat and you let him change it. How is that not controlling behaviour from him?

He cut it down to no overnight, and tried to stop it completely.

You explain to me where the love is in that shitty behaviour?

Look, his behaviour is his fault not yours. But it is glaringly obvious that you are in another abusive relationship. Time to wake up to that and choose not to be. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter whose birthday treat he pissed all over.