Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

622 replies

BusyHomemaker · 13/03/2017 23:55

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP posts:
TickingTimeBomb2017 · 29/03/2017 14:39

Any news OP?

BusyHomemaker · 29/03/2017 20:16

It's done.

I hired a van and moved into Dsis and bil's.

xDP is devastated. He's been messaging me and is really hurt and shocked and thought we were a family.

I know we had to get out but I feel awful about it. It's confusing as he's saying all the things he should have said before. I feel a mixture of relief and pain.

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 29/03/2017 20:21

Fantastic - well done!

Can I suggest you ignore/block his messages and re-read this thread? He'll say anything he can think of now to get you back and you need to remember why you left (& why many Internet strangers urged you to).

Flowers for you.

picklemepopcorn · 29/03/2017 20:24

Well done! I'm sorry to be negative, but his idea of being a family is not healthy. It's more about him 'having a family'. Having as in possession. He's upset because he has lost something he feels entitled to.

CrikeyPeg · 29/03/2017 20:24

Well done Busy! Don't let ex P gaslight you with all his palaver about what he should have done, think of DD and stay strong.

ItsNachoCheese · 29/03/2017 20:32

He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Do not listen to him. Stick to your guns and well done for getting out

Mermaidinthesea · 29/03/2017 20:40

Men behave like this when they have something to hide as most of them are unable to communicate like adults.
I'd have it out with him straight away otherwise he will start a massive argument that will be either an excuse to walk out or to shout it at you.

JustMyLuckUnfortubately · 29/03/2017 20:48

Busy well done on leaving him CakeWineBrewSmile.

Please don't fall for words of apology & promises, it means nothing. His actions until now show his real character & it's too late.

Stay strong & think how much safer and happier you and DD will be.

Great advice from another poster about blocking his number - I think you should and tell him any correspondence must be by email. Don't tell him where you are now or give him the address you are moving to.

Well done again c

SugarMiceInTheRain · 29/03/2017 21:00

Well done for getting out. He will say whatever it takes if he thinks he can reel you back in. I've watched it happen to friends - their not-so-DP/H is lovely enough to make them think that maybe, just maybe they were wrong, then they go back and don't trust their instincts and the cycle of abusive behaviour continues.

You and your DD will be so much happier away from this.

tallwivglasses · 29/03/2017 21:13

Too little, too late. He needs to put his money where his mouth is for a long time before you even entertain the thought of getting back with him, surely?

GreenPeppers · 29/03/2017 21:19

Your ex will say all the right things now. Words are easy but he will know that these are the words that will make yu waver and consider going back.

Think about your dd and how upset she is.
Think about protecting her.
I suspect that after a few days away, you will start feeling the RELIEF of not being in the same house than him again.

Stay strong FlowersCakeGin

Starlight2345 · 29/03/2017 21:21

Well done..

At this point I want to point out something a HV said to me when we were in a refuge.

An abuser does the minimum he has to to get you back where they want you...None of what he writes is real..What you lived is real.

acatcalledjohn · 29/03/2017 21:23

Well done OP. Been reading your thread and am very impressed you have moved out!

xDP is devastated. He's been messaging me and is really hurt and shocked and thought we were a family.

He didn't think you were a family because he kept using the argument against you.

He told me he doesn't feel like a family anymore (27/3 21:43)

Not to mention that his behaviour isn't exactly that of a family man - he's trying to place blame on your 6YO DD, the spineless fucker. He's trying to manipulate you in to changing your mind.

Don't. You're doing right by your DD.

Flowers
BagittoGo · 29/03/2017 21:25

I've been following your thread and I had to say well done to you. Hope the future is bright and cheerful.

Frazzled2207 · 29/03/2017 21:26

Well done don't look back! So pleased.

janniedodger · 29/03/2017 21:31

Delurking on this thread to say a massive well done. He has lost control and will try all shades of shit to make you feel guilty and return. You know his character, you know who he is, he will not change. You are safe, stay safe.

PickAChew · 29/03/2017 21:31

Well done Wine

It's easy for him to say stuff. He'd promise you the moon on a stick right now. It's not like he ever delivered while he had a chance, though.

Block him and let him lick his wounds without subjecting you to any more verbal diarrhoea.

AnyFucker · 29/03/2017 21:42

Too little. Too late. From him.

Questioningeverything · 29/03/2017 21:56

So proud of you op! 🌺

IonaNE · 29/03/2017 21:58

I've just read the thread - so relieved you've got out, OP! You really owed it to both yourself and your DD. All while reading I was hoping you'd get out asap. Please don't listen to whatever this guy is saying - he is f*cking with your mind. As a pp said, his ideas of family are unhealthy. And as you said earlier re. your DD's comment about being "sneaky" to watch a film upstairs: why should you need to "sneak" to do this?!

Well done, OP, happy for you and your DD. Flowers

peukpokicuzo · 29/03/2017 22:02

Well done op.
Stay strong.
You were not imagining all the unloving behaviour that you told us about earlier on this thread. He does not love you. When he says he does he is either lying or too emotionally immature to understand what love is.

angieloumc · 29/03/2017 22:10

Well done OP, you really are amazing.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2017 22:32

Well done!! You've done the right thing.

Of course he's saying 'all the right things' now. It's easy to say them when you don't have to back them up with deeds, isn't it?

I think it would probably be best if you told him not to contact you. You need time and space to think and plan without disruptive interference. If you feel for some reason that you are going to want more 'closure' to this than you presently have, ask him to please not message or contact you for a month. That should give you plenty of time to strengthen your heart and mind.

Graphista · 29/03/2017 22:32

Well done!

Not only too little too late but what he's saying now shows he DID know what he SHOULD have been doing/saying and just didn't want to!

You're better off without him, both of you.

greencarbluecar · 29/03/2017 22:52

So relieved to read your update Busy

Well done, this part is hard, but you can do it. If you waver, think of your DD. So (he says) he's devastated, how devastating would growing up with him around be for her? You've done the right thing, no matter what rollercoaster your emotions are on right now. Star Flowers Chocolate for you. You should be so proud of your bravery.

An abuser does the minimum he has to to get you back where they want you...None of what he writes is real..What you lived is real.

^This. With bells on.

Swipe left for the next trending thread