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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

622 replies

BusyHomemaker · 13/03/2017 23:55

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2017 19:10

Church people might help? Pastors are the type of people who know who might have a room and isn't a loon. The fact that you definitely have a place to move into in 6 weeks will make people much more comfortable with offering you a room. Depends how you feel about church people. Personally, well, they creep me out but I realise I have issues Grin

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 28/03/2017 19:14

DrowningSeas its so frustrating wanting to help isn't it?
Op you are doing great.
Stay strong but don't stay any longer than absolutely necessary. .

MrsELM21 · 28/03/2017 19:29

Was the night out with workmates his leaving do? Something odd going on!

MrsELM21 · 28/03/2017 19:33

Sorry I'd missed a chunk of the thread x

Ginkypig · 28/03/2017 20:41

I'm really glad to hear that busy.

You and your dd are worth too much to be treated like this even for 6 weeks.

The longer you wait the more chance he has to confuse you and dd or hurt you both.

BusyHomemaker · 28/03/2017 21:00

He knows something's up and is being 'nice' but still putting DD down to me.

Two people have gotten back to me via Facebook. So that's hopeful!

DSis and bil have offered to help me move to theirs tomorrow. It's not ideal but would work for a week or so.

I just need to pluck up the courage to book the van and just bloody do it. I hate to be that person who just disappears out of another's life but I know he's been manipulating me.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2017 21:03

I'd hate to be that person who keeps my DD in a house with an abusive man.

Badgoushk · 28/03/2017 21:05

Be strong BusyHomemaker.

ItsNachoCheese · 28/03/2017 21:07

Book that van and get on your way to your new life with your dd

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 28/03/2017 21:15

Book the van Busy and don't look back. It's not ideal to be staying with your DSis to start of with but it's way better than the alternative of staying for another 6 weeks with him. Stay safe and take care, let us know when you've left

JustMyLuckUnfortubately · 28/03/2017 21:20

Please book the van & move in with DSis, you will both be safer and happier. This man is toxic to you both. Do it for both of you Flowers

Frazzled2207 · 28/03/2017 21:23

Wow that's a result. Please go.

Badgoushk · 28/03/2017 21:27

Book the van! Please.

Itscurtainsforyou · 28/03/2017 21:45

Another voice saying please go.

Emeralda · 28/03/2017 22:06

You owe him nothing, Busy. Disappear from his web and don't look back.

Unicorn81 · 28/03/2017 22:06

Im so sorry to read what you are going through. Perhaps a womans refuge could help, for a few days? www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/helpline/

AcrossthePond55 · 28/03/2017 22:57

Just do it and go to your sister's. At least there you'll be able to catch your breath and make long term plans.

My BFF did a 'mid-day flit'. My DH got her DH out of town overnight and we moved her out (clothes, furniture, and all) in about 4 hours using her teenage step-son, two of his friends and a pickup truck! He had threatened her when she said she wanted a divorce and she figured he'd kick off whether he was there or not and she figured she'd just as soon not be around when he did. He came home to a half empty house and a note. DH said he was gobsmacked and could only repeat "I didn't think she had the balls". No, she had solid steel ovaries!!

So figure your 'logistics' and a time when he won't be around for the length of time you need, hire that man and his van or get your friends to help and rent one, and get out of Dodge.

angieloumc · 28/03/2017 22:57

Please do go to your sisters, what a nasty piece of work he is putting down a 5 year old,
You are stronger than you think, and in a few weeks you will look back on this and be so relieved (and safe)!

northerngirl71 · 28/03/2017 23:12

You have got the first step of
help you need Busy. The hardest bit is just to get out. I have been hoping , following the thread , that he would turn out to be a nice guy , to understand, but that's not going to happen and the very fact he is putting your DD down and is jealous of her is never going to change. I speak from experience.

northerngirl71 · 28/03/2017 23:15

Also did I understand correctly that DP will be out when your Dsis helps you ? If you think he will be at home please have someone with you .

CrikeyPeg · 29/03/2017 01:51

Move to your sisters place Busy, book the van and do it. The time will pass quickly (we lived in a basically bedroom for four months last year so I do know what I'm talking about), and before you know it you'll be moving into your new pad in May. Keep yourself safe, turn location off on your phone, make sure you tell Womens Aid that you have moved.

theothercatpurred · 29/03/2017 07:09

You asked if it's urgent. Especially as he's decided your DD is the problem then I would say it is.

Well done for speaking to your Sis. Now call that can!

Good luck, you can do it.

JigglyTuff · 29/03/2017 07:59

Another one urging you on here busy - book the van.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/03/2017 08:45

Well done OP.
You've realised what is happening and you are getting out.
Pick up that phone and book that van.
You and your DD will be so much happier with people who love and support you.
Just think about poor DD tears and dial the number.
Good luck today and hope you get away.

MinnieF1 · 29/03/2017 08:57

I really hope you've booked a van! Could you go during the day today whilst he is at work? You mentioned that your manager knows what's going on - will they give you the day off?