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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

622 replies

BusyHomemaker · 13/03/2017 23:55

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP posts:
northerngirl71 · 28/03/2017 11:57

Busy I've been following your thread for a while now and like others on here I'm becoming increasingly worried. The atmosphere must be awful and it sounds like sex is becoming more of an issue .
The church may have some ideas of cheap places to stay as another poster suggested or a local caravan park at this time of year may do really cheap deals for a month .
Some local Facebook forums may have ideas of houses locally who need sitters for a couple weeks/ month etc . Anything is worth trying .. just wracking brain to see if I can think of anything else ...

hellsbellsmelons · 28/03/2017 11:59

Ahhh.. rainbow your family history explains a lot as to why you put up with what you do.
This is gonna be the rest of your life.
I'm sad for you Sad

OldGuard · 28/03/2017 12:01

Get out - Wait til he is at work and pack what you need and leave

Ask a friend to help

Arrange to spend one week at each friends or as pp said, rent caravan or cheap holiday cottage, or Go to a woman's shelter, or go to cheap motel and explain and ask for cheap 6 week rate

Do you believe your lives are at risk because that's the way this reads - like in a horror movie when the girl opens the door and everyone in the movie theatre is yelling "don't open the door"

Seriously - leave - please

OldGuard · 28/03/2017 12:01

I've sent you a pm

rainbowsockstoday · 28/03/2017 12:45

@hellsbellsmelons you don't need to feel sad for me. It IS the rest of my life and I'm happy with that. I'm just trying to give a balanced view. This post started out as op not knowing what her dp did for a living and I was saying that for some it's normal because I don't know what mine does or earns because I can't get a straight answer.

Frazzled2207 · 28/03/2017 12:45

If renting a double room for a month is a goer please do that, and just leave one day when he's at work. Do you think he'd stop you coming back later for the rest of your stuff?

Itscurtainsforyou · 28/03/2017 13:28

I second what people are saying, if he's trying to turn you against your DD, what else is he capable of?

Seriously, pack up your stuff (start with the important paperwork/sentimental stuff that he may not notice) and take it to a friend's, then as soon as you have a couple of uninterrupted hours pack up the rest and leave. Put things into storage/space in a friend's garage or something, stay with friends for the next few weeks, arrange for your post to be kept at a post office so he can't track you down. He sounds quite dangerous.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2017 13:59

rainbowsockstoday you are in an abusive relationship. If that is OK with you because the abuse you escaped from was even worse then of course that's your choice. But it isn't normal.

BusyHomemaker · 28/03/2017 14:08

Does it really seem from the outside that It's escalating to the point that we urgently need to flee?

I feel a bit confused and conflicted, if I'm being honest.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2017 14:16

I'd be surprised if you last another 6 weeks now the scales have fallen from your eyes.

I expect your behaviour will be different. He will notice. Your tolerance levels will lower and you will take less shit.

That could easily spill over into an urgent need to leave. Whether because of physical danger, including coercion into unwanted sexual contact, emotional wear and tear.

Having a back up plan in place so you and DD can stride out the door on very short notice is perhaps a wise idea.

picklemepopcorn · 28/03/2017 15:31

Get some stuff packed and stored in case you need to leave in a hurry. Can DD go to her dad's if necessary? Is that an amicable arrangement where he is helpful?

BusyHomemaker · 28/03/2017 15:42

There is a court order - DD stays with dad every other weekend, at his parents house. He's abusive (to me and his latest girlfriend) and has MH issues. Last time she stayed with him she got upset and came home early. Although, he is getting help for his MH issues, forced to by the court process.

No-one saw that one coming when we got married :(

I've stored important docs in my desk drawer at work. I still haven't packed a bag so will do that tonight.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/03/2017 15:54

Ok, here's something to think about. As you get closer to 'D-day' you will find that your feelings start to ramp up. It's the same 'reaction' (but in the opposite way) that we get as we get closer to a holiday. Time seems to go more slowly and it gets harder to put up with the everyday shit. That's not to say he isn't escalating, just that you need to try to take a moment, sit calmly, and examine things. Review your 'acting skills' and whether or not you're becoming more 'distant' or short tempered. Review his actions and words. Is his behaviour becoming more unreasonable or is it just that you are less and less able to tolerate it because you know you're a 'short timer'? If you can, talk it out with someone, giving examples.

When I kicked out my abusive ex, I had been thinking about it for a while and 'building strength'. My behaviours changed, although I didn't realize it at the time. I started being defiant in small things. I didn't even notice it but I'm sure it was because subconsciously I knew freedom was just around the corner. This resulted in a lot of "what the fuck's wrong with you?" from him. I can't say he really 'escalated' as much as he was reacting to the changes in me.

Anyway, remember that it's OK to leave at any time. If he's escalating, definitely leave. If your anxiety is ramping up and you find you can't 'play the game', it's OK to leave then, too.

DD will be fine whether she's in your new home or spending a few weeks in a room rental. She will be safe and happy, because she is with you.

wideboy26 · 28/03/2017 17:12

This is so obvious that there must be a reason why you can't do it, but you said your sister and brother in law live round the corner, so could you stay at theirs for just a few weeks? Your DP sounds like he is edging towards doing something nasty, in which case you need to exit sooner rather than later. Is your sister's place impossibly small?

Wishing you the best of luck in getting your DD and yourself to a better life.

CharlieChopstix · 28/03/2017 17:21

Good god

PLEASE stop trying to 'understand' this man. Your only priority - after yourself - should be your daughter. Stop the rot NOW. Just get through the best you can until you can move. I promise you, he will not change. I know - I've been there. And it's only now - happily married to another man - that I can see it so clearly

You've been together for next to no time and he's already sulking and being a complete and utter twat. So what if he is depressed or a mood Hoover (whatever the hell that is), or a bit sad or having a hard time? It doesn't matter. The why's and wherefores don't matter

Keep a close eye on your daughter and just leave as soon as you can. Stop having long heart to hearts with him. No good will come of it

JunosRevenge · 28/03/2017 17:36

Concerned lurker here. OP please listen to all the wise advice you've received on this thread. Get out and keep your dear little daughter safe.

Deftandglory · 28/03/2017 17:52

Look at it from the other way round.
You love him and want the best for him. The combination of your issues and his are dragging you both down. I truly think if you love someone you should set them free. You are helping him be a better person by leaving, whereas staying just feeds his negativity.

BusyHomemaker · 28/03/2017 18:04

DD cried at school this morning because she missed me... twice! Once when I left and then after breakfast club. A kind teacher who does pastoral care comforted her and asked if there was anything she wanted to tell her. DD said know no but she knows she can ask to speak to her if she gets upset again. This breaks my heart.

Just started forming a plan... DSis and bil have cleared their garage so I can use it as storage.

Now I just need to find a someone's spare room to lodge in. I'll extend my overdraft if need be. I can't do this to DD anymore. I honestly believed I was shielding her from this. I had no idea it was affecting her so much. It's not worth it and I now see that staying for 6 weeks is going to cause harm to DD.

I'm tempted to put out feelers on Facebook for a room "for a friend" I don't know what else to try! I'm worried I won't find somewhere.

OP posts:
BusyHomemaker · 28/03/2017 18:04

Thank you again for the responses Flowers

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 28/03/2017 18:24

I'm sure for a short term basis, someone will be able to help. I do hope you find something soon. Could you post asking 'for a friend'?

CalmItKermitt · 28/03/2017 18:27

Ffs OP get out! I can't believe the way you keep wavering!!

IAmALionTamer · 28/03/2017 18:33

I'm glad your plan is in motion OP and that you'll be able to store your belongings somewhere.
I hope you manage to get some short term accommodation sorted and quickly. Ive been lurking on this thread for a while and I'm worried for you and your DD as I know many others are Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 28/03/2017 18:34

You can't go to Dsis? I'd sleep on the floor if I had to. And if my sister were in your position, I'd let her!

As far as storage, try to arrange things so that you get your stuff in the garage the same day you leave, preferably in one load. 'Man with a van' if you don't have friends with vehicles big enough to help.

Poisongirl81 · 28/03/2017 18:50

Good luck

DrowningSeas · 28/03/2017 19:10

Op.. If you feel you can

Post the region you're in maybe a mumsnetter can help?