DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

Keep your daughter away from him. He cannot be trusted around her. If you honestly have no where to go and neednto risk keeping her there and you absolutely have no choice you need to keep him away from her.

You need to also stop listening to him.

And stop trying to work out why he is an abusive dick. You cant save him. You cant change him. Counselling cant change him. He is whaf he is. And what he is is dangerous.

Your daughter told you she was afraid of him sometimes. That is really important to keep in mind. She should not have to feel like that.

Just do as you are doing. Keep busy and keep DD out of his way. And say what you need to say, do what you need to do to keep him 'nice' (for lack of a better word).

Any man who would blame a 5 year old for his relationship problems is pretty low down, IMO.

Accept he's horrid & so abuse for he's trying to blame a 5 year old for his behaviour!

^ sorry abusive not abuse

Sorry just catching up. Yes @busyhomemaker I'm very happy with my situation. We live in his house and therefore have to manage his moods. He's done so much for me by letting me move in when I was pregnant, supporting me when I left work to look after the baby for two years (back at work now) and he has had to change his life a lot because of me. My parents are horrid sometimes and he is in a difficult position because he loves them and can't see why I wouldn't too.

The conversation you said you had is soooooo familiar. Every now and again we have a massive argument (New Years Eve he kicked me out and wouldn't let me see my son. I sat out in the freezing cold for hours waiting for him to calm down). When we talk it goes on for hours and is just round and round. We come to an agreement but then the exact same thing happens again the next time. I cry, he sulks, he says I'm obsessed with my dc and he's left out... then the argument gets ignored till next time he's in a foul mood and I make the mistake of asking what's wrong. He usually blames me for the arguments and says it's because I see my parents or because i blame him for everything or because all I think about is myself and our son. It's hard though because my parents create a lot of stress in my life and he's right when I say I need to get away sometimes because where will I actually go?

Last night he tripped slightly and when I asked if he was ok he snapped "yes why wouldn't I be" and didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. But his mum said it's just how he is and I should ignore his little sulks and just let him go watch TV till he calms down. He's a 37yo spoilt brat but can't see it. Instead he calls our 2yo a spoilt brat because he's clingy and throws tantrums. At least the little one gives me hugs!

If you are unhappy with your situation you need to walk away from it. You have a child to think about and you seem to have a plan. Just do what you think best for yourself and your dd xx

I wouldn't give him a forwarding address.

Telling him you are moving somewhere temporary until you 'find a place' and either give him a fake address or not at all.

Also change your number.

rainbowsocks why expose your two year old to that? How long before you leave?

This man is now your ex, why are you engaging? Why the trips to the cinema?It doesn't matter why he does what he does, trying to understand him will drive you mad.

Also you do realise that you're potentially doing to your daughter what your parents did to you by exposing her to this? I can imagine the confusion & pain that the poor child is experiencing right now.

Please detatch & don't engage. Smile nod surface until you move out

Keep your head down and get out as soon as you can.

Try not to engage in any emotive conversations (he will try to persuade you not to leave, although he may not use those words or directly discuss you splitting up, that's what he'll be doing)

If those conversations do happen, just let him speak, still engage as little as possible, do not attempt to reason with him

Make sure you have a grab bag ready to go. Do you drive (sorry can't remember)? If so and you have your own car, keep bare essentials in there too if possible

Start getting valuable/important items out now

Have a backup plan. In some ways your position is stronger because it's his house, you can just up and leave and he can't do much to screw you financially there (although you know your circumstances, think carefully about whether there is in fact anything he could do) but you could e.g. come back and find he's changed the locks. When they realise you're leaving, they often decide you Must Pay. Children often get used, thankfully your DD isn't his but do think about what else he might try

Tell WA everything and listen to their advice

Keep your phone with you at all times and have important support numbers saved in it

Remember this is not your fault and whatever promises he makes you are false

Be on high alert for escalation to physical violence

Remember you are doing the right thing for your DD (but don't feel bad about getting into or staying in the situation so far, see above it's not your fault)

Thread updated while writing that, sorry for repetition of PP points. Do what you have to do to stay safe

Rainbowsocks you do not have to manage his moods because you live in his house. What you describe is abusive behaviour and there is no justification for it. It is very difficult to see this when you're living it but over time it will erode you and your DC will witness it. Please see if you can do the Freedom Programme, you don't have to leave to do it but it might bring some things into sharp focus.

Why are you 'very happy in your situation' rainbow? It sounds beyond shit!

Wow initially I thought he might be depressed but as this thread has progressed he is definitely an abusive, horrid man.
Your daughter has said she is scared of him, I really do think you should try and leave as soon as you possibly can.
Well done for making plans though. There is NO future in this relationship. Well there is but it's very bleak.

I'm so upset I don't know what to do. The situation suddenly feels so much more urgent. I feel sick. I was supposed to meet with my WA case worker for the first time today but she's had to cancel.

I love DD and I don't want to let her down.

Don't panic. It will be fine.
Can you look at what air bnbs there are locally - if there is something that is immediately available I'm sure the landlord would negotiate a deal.

You know you are getting out, it's not your fault you don't have anywhere to go.
Do you have money for finding a short term let?
I think you do need to really practice a polite indifference towards this man. Stop showing him emotions, try to leave these conversations and not get into them in the first place. Doesn't mean you have to ignore him entirely but you are STILL looking for something to show you that he isn't all bad, aren't you? You still have he dreaded hope. You need to kill that hope immediately. Stop stop hoping everything will be ok. It isn't. You can't fix it!
He's resentful of your DD which I think is different to jealous. He doesn't respect you as a woman or a person so he certainly doesn't agree with how you parent and undermining him is what he doesn't like, when he has a set idea of how children should behave and tries to parent, her you come along and undermine him (rightly so, as his parenting is all wrong). So what's your options? Let him win and become Alpha Parent? Because that's what he really wants, to be in charge and control. You know that him being Alpha Parent would be catastrophic for DD. He should be following your every lead and learning from you about this little wonderful human, instead he can see '5 yo child who doesn't conform to my way of living. Must make changes'. He will tell you this is 'for her own good' and that your relationship could be amaaaazing:.. if you just let him take over....

I could realistically afford to rent a double room for a month before we move into the house. I'm away this weekend while she's with her dad. I'm off for a week with DD over Easter so could perhaps take her on a mini break that week and then she's with her Dad (and aunties/cousins etc) most of the following week.

It's just the matter of finding something affordable and comfortable for DD. I don't know if that would be more destructive than staying where we are and keeping her apart fron 'D'P until May.

Can you afford to rent a caravan on a site or similar for the 6 weeks? Go on the cheapest all inclusive holiday you can find for 2 weeks?

What's your ex like? Could you stay for a month?

You mentioned church. I bet they have schemes or groups that could help. Ask.

Hi Busy. I've been reading your thread but have yet to post, but your latest post seems to have changed tone and it gave me the chills. Has something happened overnight?

No she's 5, as long as you are there and her teddies you can sell it as an adventure. She sounds like a pretty easy going little girl anyway?

When she is 20 she won't remember the few weekends in a caravan vs fear of mums BF who was moody and controlling. You have to put that into context.

How the fuck can a 5yo be manipulative? thats just wrong even suggesting that. He sounds like a right nasty piece of work. Im glad you are getting out for you and your dds sake

Pookie I think you're spot on in terms of his control.

Dad's dad is abusive and has mebtslnheakty problems. He lives in a bedding in another city and DD stays with him at a family members house in our city. He's allowed unsupervised access now but has a lot of help, luckily for DD. He's a source of support though or someone I can share this with as he is also incredibly manipulative.

Nothing happened last night but he keeps being clingy and cuddly. It's unwanted attention so it feels quite unnerving. We haven't had sex for ages and he keeps trying to cuddle me in a provocative way.

I think I actually just need to get us both out. The shitty atmosphere is reason enough.

Urgh, typos! *DD's dad is abusive, with MH issues.

It has to be said, but keep on keeping on. Your wa appointment will happen and you will move on. Hopefully his assertion that your 5 year old is manipulative will have embedded enough scorn for this pathetic waste of oxygen that you'll have no qualms about saying "excuse me, I need to..." When he obstructively tries to engage you in "discussion".

@jigglytuff because I have the family I always wanted. Just because he's moody and sulky doesn't make my oh a bad person it just means I have to work to manage that behaviour. Compared to my family he's a dream come true. They're openly abusive, manipulative and sly. I'll take sulking over that any day!

I was simply trying to explain that op isn't alone and that there are people who understand.