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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

622 replies

BusyHomemaker · 13/03/2017 23:55

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP posts:
Graphista · 27/03/2017 22:02

He's blaming a FIVE YEAR OLD?!!! No just no!!

BusyHomemaker · 27/03/2017 22:06

My gut agrees with PPs.

Why would someone do that? Is he even aware? Does he actually believe what he's saying?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2017 22:06

He's setting your DD up as the reason for him being a cunt! Driving a wedge between you. She. Is. Five.

Nice test he did on you there. He said some soothing words. You seemed back in your box. Better check. Attack the kid. You didn't tell him to get to fuck. Yep, she'll take any shit I throw at her. She's a keeper.

So are you staying around to let your DD be the scapegoat?

Hateloggingin · 27/03/2017 22:06

That's quite evil to blame a 5 year old. Please get out for your daughter's sake

Hateloggingin · 27/03/2017 22:08

RunRabbit - agree completely. Op you should have told him to fuck off the second he said it. He knows he has you now :(

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2017 22:09

He couldn't blame you any more because you are wise to it.

It can't be his fault because nothing is his fault.

DD takes your attention.

Obviously she is bad. He probably actually believes she is a manipulative little bitch stealing your attention from its rightful place: on him!

Why does it matter if he believes it? Why did you nearly believe it?

wizzywig · 27/03/2017 22:10

Ooh this thread is still going on?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2017 22:11

Why couldn't you go for a bath? You wanted a bath. You didn't want to talk. Why did you talk instead of going for a bath?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/03/2017 22:16

What Miscellaneous said earlier.
It is all about your dd. He can not get around this reality.
Competing with a five year old puts him on the level of a five year old. Embarrassing. Personification of man-child.

Pretty soon your dd will be walking on eggshells around him in her homelife, if she isn't already. Not good.

Stay the course and separate. His reaction is his circus and monkeys to deal with, not your problem.

picklemepopcorn · 27/03/2017 22:18

I'm shocked that he would accuse a five yr old of manipulation, and that you would listen to him for a minute. You should have laughed at him at that point for being such a gormless fool that he thinks he can blame a five year old for his behaviour.

BusyHomemaker · 27/03/2017 22:18

We have to live here for another 6.5 weeks. That's why I haven't told him to fuck off. Believe me I want to.

PPs have confirmed my gut reaction to what he said. I did question myself as I always do. I start counselling in a couple of weeks so hopefully that will help.

We can't just walk out of here but we will.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 27/03/2017 22:19

I've only just caught up - wow hasn't he done a number on you. Glad you're getting good advice here.

Have I missed where you found out what his job is?

BusyHomemaker · 27/03/2017 22:22

Ha Ha, no tallwivglasses. Apparently he doesn't really know himself what his job is. Just roughly which repairs his team carry out and that's it! It's fairly well paid so how he doesn't know is beyond me (bollocks).

OP posts:
NameChangerConarantly · 27/03/2017 22:24

My mouth honestly dropped open reading that he said that about your DD.

He's definetly jealous of your DD hence now trying to pin blame on her as such.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/03/2017 22:25

The thing is your daughter will out grow this phase of psychological development. He is proving to you that he never did, and never will. Manipulation- Pot Kettle Black much!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2017 22:27

Stay away from the chats! Live like strangers.

AnyFucker · 27/03/2017 22:32

You are still engaging with him. He actually made you hesitate when he tried to drive a wedge between you and your 5yo.

Stop talking to him. Stop letting him in your head. You are not going to leave if you carry on like this.

BusyHomemaker · 27/03/2017 22:41

Trust me, nothing can drive a wedge between DD and I. That's when I realised he had been manipulating me. The confusion came because it was actually working until that point.

I agree I need to avoid him but that's what caused the stupid chat. I know he'll revert back to sulking if I distance myself again. I'm going to make plans for every weekend until we leave.

I need to stay strong, thank you for all the relies. They help.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 27/03/2017 22:46

Let him sulk. At least if he's stonewalling you, you won't have to put up with his verbal bullshit. As many have said, OP - stay strong.

greencarbluecar · 27/03/2017 22:53

Busy if the timings were right I'd be wondering if you were with my ex. Right down to the not being able to go and have your bath because you have to talk to him. And as for what he said about your DD. This is headworking, manipulative, disgusting behaviour and you've done really well to pick up on it as it's so, so hard to see from the inside.

Agree with PPs, is there anyway you can get out sooner? This isn't going to improve and could get a lot worse very quickly.

Muldjewangk · 27/03/2017 22:59

I was thinking how awful your DP is to your DD because he told her she couldn't take her soft toy to the cinema. For goodness sake she is five, a very little girl.

It's obvious he doesn't like your DD. What must she be thinking, mum's boyfriend telling her she can't take her toy with her, what has that got to do with him. You should have stood up to him right then and told him to mind his own business.

Then you post he is calling her manipulative. Confused

Starlight2345 · 27/03/2017 23:02

I am going to advise you keep calm , try and not do relationship talks. Just generally lets move on.

This is the safest way for you and your DD right now.

You suspected he was jelous of your DD. Now you know it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/03/2017 23:04

And if he sulks that is a problem because?...

BusyHomemaker · 27/03/2017 23:04

I did stand up to him... I let DD take three soft toys to the cinema and told him he was wrong. That's why he said he didn't want to go.

I'm worried how things could escalate and the harm this could be causing DD. Her school are aware and told me they are happy I am managing it and I'm updating them again next week. I have an appointment with Woman's Aid this week. I am taking this seriously and trying to handle it as best I can.

Any tips on how to manage this are appreciated!

OP posts:
BusyHomemaker · 27/03/2017 23:05

I'm managing to keep calm on the surface but agree I need to avoid having any more chats.

OP posts: