DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

I hope you and your daughter have a happy life together in your new house. Stay strong x

You're a great mum! You're taking the steps you need to take to protect DD.

As long as you feel the two of you are physically safe, just grit your teeth and breathe deeply. Remember that staying where you are is in your best interests for the next 7 weeks. Ignore his antics, he's trying to provoke you into doing or saying something rash.

But again, if you see (or feel) that his behaviour is physically escalating, get out. This can include blocking doors and hallways in an aggressive manner so you have to push by him or 'dance around' him, 'shouldering' you out of his way, getting in close to intimidate you with his size, 'accidentally' breaking, destroying, or losing (throwing away) items belonging to you, trying to provoke you into putting your hands on him OR to provide him with an excuse to put his hands on you. There are other things and they can be very subtly done, but you'll know by the way you feel that it's not just innocent behaviour or mistakes.

Just have those 'bug out bags' packed and ready access to cash for a hotel. Hopefully you'll never need them. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Sounds like he's lost his job or being demoted.

I don't think he does want out but he's saying it to mess with my head. Or perhaps it's just his head that is a mess? He's been suggesting it everyday following an argument but then on Saturday tried to make up with me and told me he didn't want to break up.

Yesterday was a weird one! I took DD to church in the morning (she goes to a church school and so we sometimes get involved in church stuff). It was lovely to be around normal, happy families! Popped home to see if DP was ready to come out for lunch and then cinema. He wasn't up for lunch so we agreed to meet at the cinema. DD wanted to bring some soft toys - she's 5 - and DP decided this wasn't on and she was acting spoilt. I told her she could bring them in a back pack as long as she carried it and DP announced very dramatically that he wasn't going to join us at the cinema anymore. I was like, well thanks for that I've already paid!

Anyway, DD and I went out for lunch and had a lovely time. DP then called me but wouldn't explain why, it felt like he was goading me into an argument again and I told him so. He told me he was going to say he was joining us at the cinema but now he wasn't and he felt that we should just leave things. I asked if he was referring to the relationship and he gave me the usual "what's the point, you don't respect me" bollocks. I sent him a text explaining he was out of order and his behaviour wasn't excused by being stressed. He then sent a text to say sorry and that he will join us. When he did he gave me a big hug and I told him that it wasn't cool that he pretty much broke up with me on the phone on Mother's Day when I was out with DD.

He did join us, he paid for our treats (it was the least he could do, really) and we had a reasonably nice time. On the way home he seemed a bit grumpy again and didn't speak much. DD and I were talking about the film and he didn't join in or answer our questions, like, what was his favourite part of the movie. He was being a mood hoover again. I actually think he's jealous of DD.

I'm just confused now about whether he is abusive or just a bit of a dick? I have a horrible feeling he's going to be devastated when we leave him but I need to try and put that out of my mind.

The crazy thing is, if he told me was was going to seek help for his moods I would seriously consider staying and supporting him through it. I did suggest the GP on Saturday as he opened up to me slightly about feeling stressed but he didn't see the point.

Sorry for the rant!

Don't be confused, he's both.

You're doing so well, his 'devastation' will be his frustration and jealousy that you're getting on with it since your OP and you and your daughter clearly don't need a staring Dementor playing unhappy families with you.

Oh god don't change your mind. He sounds very childish and selfish and his behaviour yesterday was out of order. Fair enough if you want to put up with his nonsense but don't inflict it on your little girl.

What's the GP going to do?!

I agree... I need to stick to the plan.

I suppose I can see his vulnerabilities and it makes me feel bad for him. I thought a GP might be able to help him with his stress and moods.

I'm working from home today and just stopped for a chat. He was looking at his phone the whole time so I asked if he was listening to me and he told me he didn't even notice that I was talking as he was reading his phone. Then he got huffy at me. Is it too much to expect not to be ignored? I'm trying to keep the peace.

Who cares if he is abusive or a dick?

Doesn't change the way he treats you and doesn't change the lesson your dd is learning about what treatment she should expect from a long term partner.

And what if you do work out he is just stressed? When he is stressed he takes it out on you and a 5 year old child. He won't come up with other ways of dealing with it and has no intention of changing because he thinks there is no point. So his treatment of you is fine in his eyes.

Do you want to stick around more so he can get his stress relief?

Ugh, the way he treats your daughter is horrifying, so glad you're leaving!

Re being jealous of your 5yr old daughter, you have put your finger on it there I think. But that just shows you how weird and fucked up he is. Who sees a tiny child as the opposition?! As someone to Take things away from? He wants to take this little girls mummy away from her, because he wants the attention. He cannot understand why it's right that he shares your attention with the child, and why it's a really bad thing for a grown adult to set about stealing the love and attention that child needs... It's revolting isnt it?

Shudder.

I'll say it again; I'm SO glad you're leaving!

Of course he's not a total monster. Most abusers have low self-esteem but the only person that can help them deal with that is themselves. You can't fix him.

What Aussie said.

I think there are 2 risks to this 7-week wait:

1. he ramps up the abuse
2. he makes you feel sorry for him and manages to show you enough of the less bad behaviour to give you hope that he is going to change.

Don't let yourself get trapped by pity for him and guilt because you're afraid leaving will make him unhappy.

I get the impression you're on your guard about (1) but not entirely on your guard about risk (2).

You poor thing - with narcissistic parents and an abusive marriage behind you, AND a daughter to consider, do try and take care of yourself

Sorry to jump on late but I think some people are just like that about jobs. My dh will never tell me what he earns or what his job is. All I know is the company he works for and where it is he goes when he travels around the uk to meetings.

Ok so now I've read the rest of the posts I still stick by what I said above. Plus if I keep going on to dh about what he earns he gets annoyed with me so I do t mention it. Same as if I ever ask him about girlfriends before me he gets really annoyed even though I'm just being curious 😆 although the latter I have no clue why I asked it because it's really none of my business!

I understand why you feel the need to fix it if possible. I grew up with abusive parents and a family that treat me like scum of the earth and all I want to do is get along with them. In comparison my DH is lovely and yet he still has his faults.

I moved in with him almost a year after we met at 7mths pregnant. He didn't help one tiny bit with me moving in and it was me who packed, drove my tiny car to and fro and unpacked all my stuff. However not much could get unpacked as I share half a wardrobe with my dc because all dh's clothes are in his bedroom and there's no space for me. Most of my stuff is still in the loft and I rotate it round.

Two years on and all the housework, childcare and cooking duties are mine whether I am at work or not because he is at work too. Even days he's at home I'm still running around because that's his time for reading the paper and watching TV. It's honestly easier than having an argument though and I know where I stand.

It's because he doesn't make me feel like absolute crap like my family do so anything is better. You need to find the strength though for your sanity and DD. She and you have escaped one abusive relationship already so you know you can do it.

for you. Hope it works out one way or another xx

I don't have kids but my DP has become a mood Hoover.

We've together for 2 years in total and moved in together after 6 months. Almost as soon as we moved in, and more so over the last 10 months or so, he has become more and more miserable and grumpy. Never wants to do anything, go anywhere. Never bothered to even get a card and certainly not a gift for birthdays, Xmas etc.

I'm generally a very happy person but more and more I've had to self-monitor my mood in case being happy and positive is irritating to him. You feel rubbish when you get stared down or ignored when you make a pleasant comment or do a little dance in the kitchen just because you are having a good day.
I have now decided to leave and I'm looking at places to rent.

I've been self employed for less than a year so paying bills etc on my own is very scary, but better than having my personality and positive spirit sucked out of me by a thoroughly miserable, moody person.

OP you are doing great, please don't minimise his behaviour just because he's been marginally nicer. He's a horrid and abusive man, no occasional nice things compensate for those.

Stay strong for you & DD

Stick to your plan. Just remember that if he does decide to 'fix himself' that he can do it just as well whether you're living with him or not. Your presence is NOT required for him to get help or change his behaviour.

He's an abusive dick.

I really feel for your DD :(

rainbow thank you for sharing. Are you happy with your situation?

user good luck I'm sure you'll be fine. Do look into tax credits if you haven't already done so as you may be eligible as a single person.

Well, we've just had a big chat although I spent most if it trying to avoid it. I wanted to go for a bath over an hour ago! We kept going around in circles or so it felt but eventually I just burst into tears and he came over and have me a hug. We talked some things out and tried to see each other's points of view. He told me he doesn't feel like a family anymore and I told him how unhappy his behaviour has made me feel. He apologised for that and for yesterday and assured me he wasn't trying to control me and has no interest in doing so. He told me he hadn't been sulking but was unhappy we hadn't discussed some issues and he can't be fake and just get along with things. He reminded me of all the stuff he's supported me through what with the court case and my narcissistic parents. (Who he got along well with until they cut me off)

I began to feel terrible and that I'd totally misjudged the situation due to my past experiences. He pointed out our photo display on the wall and a photo of DD holding the cat in a frame with the word "family" on that he surprised me with last year. I'm wondering if I've been harsh and if i should suggest relationship counselling? There's just one thing that made me feel uncomfortable. Once we'd kind of hugged it out, he told me he thinks DD is manipulative and has been manipulating me. This has been the root of our issues apparently. I don't know how to feel about that. She does occasionally turn on the waterworks to get her own way but I can usually tell and she's 5 - how manipulative can a 5 year old be? Is it possible and I just don't see it or is more likely that he's subconsciously (or even consciously) trying to divert the attention away from himself?

Oh heck typical tactics to mess up your head!
Now he wants to turn you againsr your dd!
Dont waver !! Please put her first. He wont change.

That's a real dick move, he soft soaped you then blamed a little girl, give your head a wobble.
He's a manipulative fuckwit, take your child and run

That's ridiculous. Please don't give it headspace.

No no no. And no!! DD is 5!!
It's manipulation.
Stay strong op.
If he's genuine and you move out, you cam still see each other. You need space amd time.

Him manipulating I mean not DD

You've judged it right because of your past experiences OP