Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

622 replies

BusyHomemaker · 13/03/2017 23:55

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP posts:
walkingtheplank · 21/03/2017 14:42

Just wanted to say well done. Will you have any help moving. I've helped a couple of school mums move who've confided that they're doing a midday flit. Both times a handful of mums turned up. You'll be amazed how many people will help. Good luck!

Marzipants · 21/03/2017 19:39

Good luck Busy, hope it all goes well.

SanitysSake · 21/03/2017 20:48

You go, girl! So pleased for you. You're an example to the rest of us x

LauderSyme · 22/03/2017 22:51

Wow Busy you're amazing!
I am blown away by your clear-eyed insight, maturity and resolve and am so glad you have come this far Star

I wish you and dd terrifically well on your journey into your renewed shared life.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/03/2017 23:03

I am so glad to read your update OP, you have done amazingly well! Keep posting, we're all here Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 22/03/2017 23:39

Wow, you're really moving forwards. You go!

MooseyMouse · 23/03/2017 02:37

You're doing so well. Getting out and staying safe is the best thing you can do for you and your daughter.

BusyHomemaker · 23/03/2017 21:15

I just wanted to thank you all for your supportive messages on this thread. Yes, it has been a shock to have the abuse confirmed by 'professionals' but quite honestly, if it wasn't for this thread I doubt I would have acted so quickly.

Just to update you...

I've been accepted for the little house for DD and I. It's a 7 week wait to move but it will be perfect for us.

I had a chat with the family liaison person at school and she's been really supportive. I'm meeting my WA case worker next week for some support and work have organised some counselling. I feel incredibly well supported and fortunately, it's all discreet and I can carry on with life as normal.

DP has been acting more like himself these past few days which is making me question myself but I know deep down that I'm doing the right thing. I sincerely don't want to hurt him but It's not my role to fix him and I need to keep that in mind. DD has to be my priority.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2017 21:25

That's wonderful about the house. Hopefully the 7 weeks will go quickly. But do have a 'back up plan' just in case you need to leave before then.

And he's walking on egg shells right now. But if he feels 'secure' he'll revert to type quickly.

HiMyNameIsUnknown · 23/03/2017 21:33

OP that's great news about the house & getting some help from WA. Lots of us rooting for you. Please stay strong & don't let him convince you to stay

BusyHomemaker · 24/03/2017 18:04

He's being passive aggressive with DD. How are we going to get through these next 7 weeks?? ?

I've taken her upstairs with promises of hot chocolate, a film and girlie time! Her reply "yes and we can be sneaky and have all the fun!"

We shouldn't have to be sneaky about it though, should we? Sad

OP posts:
Asuitablemum · 24/03/2017 18:07

He hasn't lost his job. He's just a twat and his true colours are starting to show. Run for the hills.

nicelymakingway · 24/03/2017 18:17

Is there any way you can arrange for a family member of yours to come and stay at least for some of the time until he leaves? I found that was a great help when I was in this position because I felt vulnerable.

CharlotteCollins · 24/03/2017 18:32

No, you shouldn't, but this is temporary and soon there will be no need for sneaking around. And that will be a great life lesson for DD.

Enjoy your girlie time!

CrikeyPeg · 24/03/2017 20:34

Please don't tell him you are leaving. It's one of the most dangerous times for a leaving wife/partner, just do it then block all contact. Enjoy the girlie time!

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/03/2017 21:16

OP, is there nowhere/nobody who could put you up for the next month or so? I am worried that he smells a rat. I agree with others that you are vulnerable at the moment. It's so sad your DD said that, even though she's going to enjoy that time with you. She will know that this is not what healthy relationships are about when you're able to talk to her after exit. Keep safe, enjoy your evening with your girl!

BusyHomemaker · 24/03/2017 21:58

I can't think of anyone we could stay with, only in an emergency. I'm tempted to ask around via friends/colleagues to see if anyone could let us lodge in their spare room. I think he's just tried to end things but couldn't quite say the words... kept saying things like "What's the point?" (He's been saying that for weeks) and "let's just leave it". He's decided to sleep on the sofa. It started because I didn't want to "cuddle".

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 24/03/2017 23:21

If he's mistreating your DD (and being PA to a child is mistreatment) then I'd think it's, if not an emergency in the traditional sense, at the very least it's a 'situation of concern'. I'd start asking around for that room and seriously consider contacting that 'emergency person'. Because if you seriously think he wants to end the relationship but is too much of a coward to say so, he'll likely resort to mistreating you and/or DD to drive you away. That way he gets what he secretly wants but is still the 'innocent party'.

I think nicely makes a great suggestion. Could you arrange for 'visitors' to come stay with you under some pretext? Or perhaps a 'sick friend' you need to stay with for a few days? Does DD do 'overnights' with friends or family? Any time you can arrange away from him in the next 7 weeks will be a plus but naturally it mustn't raise suspicions.

BusyHomemaker · 25/03/2017 06:06

Well, He's left the back door open all night for the 2nd night in a row this freezing the house. It does feel slighgly that he's trying to drive us out!

DD stays with her Dad every other weekend. We've got lots planned this weekend and next weekend I'm staying with a friend. (That almost feels like an act of defiance as I didn't "discuss" it properly!) I've booked wrap around care so that he doesn't pick her up on his days off, haven't told him about that yet as it kicks in after Easter. I'm able to work from home on days no childcare been arranged so DD is protected in that respect.

I agree he's going to step it up the passive aggressive behaviour now he seems to think the relationship is in trouble.

OP posts:
ScarletFever · 25/03/2017 06:26

Just read your updates op, it's funny, but I'm really proud of you, you've got on and done stuff and not given up!

You are amazing and your dd will remember this, you deserve a partner that will look after you and dd, you don't.deserve what you have at the moment.

Flowers
TinyPawz · 25/03/2017 06:26

Would it be possible to get an airb&b while you wait on your new place?

bloodymaria · 25/03/2017 07:08

Could women's aid point you in the direction of a refuge or something like that? Sorry, I've no experience but your situation sounds so stressfull for you. You're doing amazingly though.

verytiredmummy1 · 25/03/2017 07:26

Sorry I've got no advice but well done for being so brave. It must be difficult. What a great mum you are to DD. You are doing the right thing for her xx

BusyHomemaker · 25/03/2017 08:11

Thank you for the well wishing :) I don't feel like a great mum at the moment as I got us into this mess. DD is very resilient and luckily we are close enough that she can open up to me. I've told her that DPs moods aren't normal and It's not her fault and we don't have to let him make us feel bad.

I can't really afford an air bnb, however, It's good for short term if necessary. I'm going to see about asking around to lodge for the month before we move and put our stuff into storage. That would be doable I think.

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 25/03/2017 08:13

I think it sounds like he wants out of this too but doesn't know how to go about it, perhaps he is hoping you will get the message. To this end I don't think you will have too many problems with him once it's over, hoping for the best for you and DD

Swipe left for the next trending thread