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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

622 replies

BusyHomemaker · 13/03/2017 23:55

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 17/03/2017 20:08

I've lurked on this thread for a while but now feel compelled to comment as I am seeing me in you Busy. This is a cycle, push you away, draw you in, make YOU question everything, make YOU think that it's somehow something you've done. I had years and years of this, managing behaviour, treading on eggshells, being an utter doormat frankly. Don't do this to yourself and your DD. My DD had a nervous breakdown in her mid teens. I did get pregnant. Unsurprisingly, I am now a single parent, very late in life. I bitterly regret the years I wasted, I can't even begin to tell you how much. Get out before it's too late Flowers

BusyHomemaker · 18/03/2017 17:44

This morning I applied to rent a little house in the perfect location that would meet the needs of DD and I.

I've was out all morning and DP came to meet me and we visited a farmers market, went for a drink, discussed my choice in car and it's all been so lovely. Now I feel thoroughly confused.

The house isn't available until 10th May so I have some time to figure this out.

OP posts:
Nellyphants · 18/03/2017 18:01

He's doing the push pull thing. You're pulling away so he's doing mr nice. It's an act, a facade to draw you back in.

You're not with this man long & he's shown his true colours which aren't very nice.

Don't be drawn in. Read what YOU have written on this thread, is this what you want your life to be? You also have to consider your daughter in all this.

ChuckDaffodils · 18/03/2017 18:05

Now I feel thoroughly confused.

Yes love, that's the point. You are meant to. They work out something shifts and then they change tactics. What doesn't change is the actual fact that they are abusive.

PickAChew · 18/03/2017 19:27

When you feel confused like this, keep going back to that hoovering link.

And remember what he is capable of. A week of feeling fearful and anxious is never erased by a week or two of him playing nice.

MrsWOLF1 · 18/03/2017 21:19

He knows you are planning to leave ,he has probably gained access to all you have written here .,Please get away from this person like now before he snaps

BusyHomemaker · 19/03/2017 11:02

Re the hoovering, I think PPs must be right as he has resorted back to form this morning. Sigh. That was short lived! I really must seem like a mug.

OP posts:
greencarbluecar · 19/03/2017 11:32

At least you're realising this and getting out relatively early on Busy. Stay strong and focus on the positives, many, many of us got trapped in this cycle for years, it's powerful and confusing, but you have to tools to see past it and escape it.

Be careful, though. Leaving can be the most dangerous time, and when escalation to physical violence happens. Do what you have to do to stay safe, and keep the other side in sight. You can do this. The out of the fog website is good, and useful to look at when the confusing behaviour is kicking in.

greencarbluecar · 19/03/2017 11:32

At least you're realising this and getting out relatively early on Busy. Stay strong and focus on the positives, many, many of us got trapped in this cycle for years, it's powerful and confusing, but you have to tools to see past it and escape it.

Be careful, though. Leaving can be the most dangerous time, and when escalation to physical violence happens. Do what you have to do to stay safe, and keep the other side in sight. You can do this. The out of the fog website is good, and useful to look at when the confusing behaviour is kicking in.

Squeegle · 19/03/2017 11:37

He sounds awful. I think you need to share with him that you are disappointed at his lack of respect and his rudeness to you. If he doesn't take it onboard then im afraid it's time to plant to LTB. In my experience men like this only get worse unless they are committted to making a real tangible change.

BusyHomemaker · 19/03/2017 18:15

Back again... Lol.

Reflecting on a discussion i it opted by DP earlier today I've realised that he's definitely been gas lighting and manipulating me. It's clear as day now.

One of the highlights out of the ridiculous things he said was "sulking isn't passive aggressive behaviour, I don't care what the Internet says!" This among other gems.

It's quite sureal when you are aware that somebody is trying to manipulate you. At first I burst into tears and then I just kind of stopped as I realised what was going on. I feel so betrayed.

Apparently I'm forgetful, trying to control his emotions, unsupportive, mean and imagine things that are not true.

All because I didn't fancy a shag this morning! I'm not affectionate anymore because I have changed and am mean.

Does he even know what he's doing and why is he doing this?

OP posts:
BusyHomemaker · 19/03/2017 18:15

*initiated by

OP posts:
Arkengarthdale · 19/03/2017 18:25

He's doing this because he's an abusive manipulative git. Simple as that. Harsh but fair, from what you've said

GoldfishCrackers · 19/03/2017 19:21

Well done for spotting this when you did. It's not easy when you've been brought up to excuse and accept controlling and abusive behaviour.
By leaving you're teaching your daughter not to put up with this.

Hermonie2016 · 19/03/2017 19:53

Cant believe that after only 20 months you have this situation.It really should be honeymoon where you are both completely "loved up" having great times and lots of sex.

Instead you are arguing and even by normal relationships standards it isn't very good.Add in his manipulative behaviour it has to be a dead relationship.

Glad you have a rental lined up.

practicallyperfectinmyway · 19/03/2017 21:13

Busy you're doing the right thing, please keep your eyes focused on your exit strategy. You and your DD need a stable environment to live, not looking over your shoulder & tiptoeing around.

I wish you the best, if I lived near you I'd help you move? PM me if required. Based SE.

BusyHomemaker · 20/03/2017 08:05

practicallyperfect that is unbelievably kind of you! I don't live in your area but thank you for the offer Flowers

OP posts:
GirlElephant · 20/03/2017 23:22

Well done for seeing through him. Are you going to take the property you found?

practicallyperfectinmyway · 21/03/2017 00:58

You're welcome, I hope you get some more local help & support for when you need it come a move out. Take care of yourself and DD.

BusyHomemaker · 21/03/2017 06:26

I'm waiting for reference checks to be processed but hopefully I'll be accepted.

I contacted my local women's aid yesterday to enquired about the freedom programme and the woman I spoke with has referred me to a case worker. She told me that DP is definitely abusive and it seems like things are escalating. It was a bit if a shock but things are starting to make sense for me now. I've spoken with my manager at work who's been massively supportive so my job is safe and I can work flexibly if needed.

I have an appointment with DD's headteacher this morning to fill her in. I had a chat with DD and it turns out she sometimes feels scared of DP and doesn't like it when he collects her from school.

I came across this link, which I wanted to share in case it helps anyone else to identify and abuser. Sadly I see both my exH and DP in this. And also my father. www.womenaresafe.org/emotional.html

OP posts:
Nellyphants · 21/03/2017 06:33

You've done a huge amount in a short time Busy, go you. Here's to happier days ahead

feedingducks · 21/03/2017 06:41

Sorry to suggest but any chance of an ow given the sydden bad temper an nastiness towards you and you child..being snappy is not nice for either of you

Emeralda · 21/03/2017 08:24

Hope all goes ok today, and fingers crossed for the reference checks for the new place. Is there somewhere you could go in the meantime if you need to quickly? I'm so glad you made contact with WA. Every step you take had the potential to be life-changing for you and DD. You're doing great. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 21/03/2017 08:44

Well done calling WA.
Your case worker will help you.
It must be a shock to hear it from 'professionals' rather than just strangers on the internet.
It must hit home big time.
Good luck with the references.
And keep planning your exit.
Poor DD though, so glad you are getting her out of there.

MsJolly · 21/03/2017 09:05

Well done. Keep safe though and make sure you have a grab bag ready with enough to keep you both going for a few days and all important paperwork etc