DP won't explain to me what he does for living.

[BusyHomemaker]

DP has recently changed roles at work and won't explain to me what he does. It's a sideways move from a job he's done for 8 years. He told me he might be changing teams then a few weeks later arrived home with a case of beer - his leaving present. He snapped at me when I asked about it "I did tell you I was changing roles" Whenever I have asked what his new teams do (he's a manager) he won't tell me. The usual response is something all my the lines of "I've been at work all fucking day/all last fucking week I don't want to talk about it at home" then storms off. Last week I gave him a hug and asked how it was going and he snapped at me and went to bed without saying good night. It was 8.30pm. I honestly don't pester, maybe ask him once or twice a week how work is going and joked recently that I still don't know what he does... That didn't go down well.

He's become increasingly grumpy and moody. Like tonight he seemed to be starting arguments for no reason. I work full time and since coming home had cleaned the kitchen floor (due to the puppy), fed DD, fed the dogs, fed the cat, loaded the dishwasher, put on a washing, made packed lunches for DP and I and started our tea. I was just putting DD to bed and asked if he would mind finishing off tea "I've been at work all fucking day" (he works 12 hour shifts) "yes so have I and we didn't get home until after 6pm due to so and so. It would really help me out since I'm putting DD to bed" He then (bizarrely) asked me what I cleaned the floor with, a brief argument ensued, I continued with Bedtime routine and DP changed into PJ's, went downstairs and laid on the sofa. I then finish off tea!

I feel like a bloody doormat.

After we ate I attempted a conversation that turned into an argument so he announced he was having a bath then went to bed.

I don't know if he's depressed or his job is getting him down but this has been going on too long.

We've been together about 20 months, lived together for a year. He's usually great with DD but recently has been short fused with us both. He didn't even pop his head round her door to say goodnight to her, which is becoming the norm. She's not his DD but still?! We barely have sex anymore... That could be due to low mood or is this a dead relationship? Affection is starting to teeter off.

I don't know how to move forward and the lack of openess combined with moodiness is becoming unbearable. I attempted a heart to heart before the weekend and DP admitted he might be stressed.

Give me strength!

OP that is quite sinister, cover your tracks on your phone and laptop just in case he sees what you are writing etc. Don't intend to scare you, you know him of course but stay safe . Have an escape plan just in case. You are sounding strong though, so well done. I do believe sometimes no matter how hard we try to keep our intentions to ourselves and act normal, some people are very good at sensing subtle changes.

Christ op that is unnerving but that is what he intended. I'd leave sooner than later if possible op and yes to cover your tracks and appear to carry on as normal until you do leave.

In all seriousness pick up your stuff and your daughter and go to a shelter today
Sorry

He must know that something has changed so I agree I might have to make arrangements sooner rather than later and actually tell him that I want to move out.

He's gone to bed now and appears to be asleep.

I don't think there's any urgency to act tonight. I wonder if he's genuinely upset.

I wouldn't tell him, Busy, what good is that going to do? You don't owe him that courtesy after the way he has treated you. He's not going to take it well. Don't put yourself at risk. Stay safe. Prioritise important documents and significant things like photos if you have to go quickly. Clothes and possessions can be replaced - don't put yourself at risk for them.

Where could you go if you needed to go very quickly? Is there somewhere / someone you can stay with temporarily until you get that place of your own?

I have a feeling things could escalate very quickly and without much warning. The staring was weird, and i think he might have felt the power shift even if he doesn't know the cause.

Good luck and keep yourself & DD out of harms way.

OP I'm worried and agree with others that this could be escalating and you should get you and DD out as soon as you can. It's really not unusual for them to escalate to physical violence when they feel the control is being lost. Please don't assume he's not capable.

Peg it. Like, as soon as his back's turned peg it. The staring is desperately creepy, agree with PP it sound like it could escalate very quickly and is already...without sounding paranoid, is there any way he could be reading this? Whatever the deal is with his job, or possible sudden lack of, his behaviour sounds like it's ramped up since you started posting.

Be safe mate

Be careful. Abusers can escalate to physical violence when they feel like emotional abuse is no lonher working and they sense they are losinh control. I would get out as soon as possible.

Stay safe.

I agree that his current behaviour is creepy. But you're doing the right thing in trying to act as normally as you can.

Please don't tell him until you are actually walking out the door. And not even then if you can avoid it. I'd seriously be contemplating a 'midnight (or midday) flit' if at all possible. And when the time comes, if you do have to confront him, please don't do it alone and you may want to consider having DD out of the way.

If you truly don't have enough saved up to leave now, is there anyone you know (from banks to friends) who would be willing to loan you the wherewithal so you can move things up? Please don't get a payday loan though, they're terrible!

I don't mean to sound alarmist, but there was a situation a friend went through that makes me nervous for you.

He's a gaslightinf manipulative cunt isn't he?

Once the communication goes and you feel the need to resort to asking strangers online what is going on in your own relationship you know you have a big problem.
If you can't communicate openly and honestly with the man you live with and are married to then there is nothing any of us can say that is going to make that better.

When is your weekend away? If this weekend use it as your cover to leave! Stay with anyone! WA may be able to offer you space in a refuge.

In fact I've sometimes wondered if they have a sort of 'underground railroad' thing in U.K. I know there is in USA and aus. But understandably they'll wanna keep it quiet.

Tbh it sounded like he was building up to physical abuse even before you first posted, now that escalation is accelerated.

It sounds bizarre given ex also abusive but I wonder if it might be an idea to give him a heads up? Just so current partner doesn't try to 'collect' dd from her dads? So tricky.

Re better men out there, if it weren't for my brother and some very dear friends husbands I'd despair honestly! They are out there but they're bloody hard to find! (Really a separate thread but it seems to me my generation of men are too often lazy, immature and selfish. I'm not sure why. My parents generation men tend to be more family committed due to tradition and the generation below seem better as a result of being the children of Lp's with crappy deadbeat dads! Abuse is multi generational sadly)

Busy I don't mean to sound alarmist but I've been reading since Tuesday and your update tonight has made my stomach lurch. All that you've written has sketched an increasingly chilling picture. I hope you are ok. I hope you and dd are going to get away from him as far and as fast as you can. Never allow him to know your whereabouts or come close to you ever again. I think his controlling behaviour is pathological and he is capable of awful mistreatment.

You may feel this advice is not suitable for you at all but I would like to offer it. You may be eligible for help from the housing and homeless department at your local borough council, you should go to their office and talk to them. You are, in their terms, facing homelessness due to fleeing an abusive relationship. They will ask about your circumstances to establish whether they have a duty of care (legal obligation) to prevent you and dd from becoming homeless. Usually that means providing temporary accommodation, in your case they are more likely to refer you both to a refuge a good distance away from the risk of harm.

Refuge placements for mothers and children last for weeks or months, and when they are coming to an end, families can again request help from the housing and homeless team at their local council.

Good luck Please will you keep us posted?

OP is he at work today? If he is gather your important documents (passports, birth certificates) and any photos and store them elsewhere (friend, relatives or work). Then pack a go bag for you and DD.
Like others have said start a mental inventory of the really important items and start a "spring clean" so they can be moved. Ask your DD to have a clear out of her toys, this will help with the spring clean cover but also means you will have less to pack later.
Please stay safe and good luck.

DD is going to her dad's after school today. I've decided to take her to school myself as it's DP's day off and he was going to take her. I've just told him I want to spend the morning with her as I'll miss her... This is true anyway. Luckily my job is quite flexible so I've emailed my boss to let her know I'll be in a bit later.

I'm not sure how much worse the atmosphere in the house will get. I'm going to keep busy over the weekend.

I think maybe the staring was passive aggressive and he was trying to get attention without being obvious about it. He is incredibly PA. It's pathetic.

Thanks for all your supportive messages and I will keep posting so that you don't worry. I'll see how this weekend goes and if it starts to escalate further when it's just the two of us I'll get out. My sis and bil live around the corner. She's the only one in real life who knows what's going on, although, I try not to offload on her too much as she has a toddler and a baby and has also been dealing with coming to terms with our parents being narcissists!

Could you spend some time with your DSis this weekend?
Playing and helping with the kids maybe?
He's stepping up the psychological abuse so you need to keep your wits about you.
Get that bag ready today so you grab and go to your DSis if you need to.
It's creeping me out reading about it so what it must be like for you I don't know!
Stay safe though. That's the most important thing now.

There's been a bit of a turn around this evening. We had an argument, both managed to get our point of view across, although I did bite my tongue. We have made your and have been chatting away as normal.

I haven't changed my mind but in a way this makes it so much harder. I worry that I will genuinely hurting him. It also felt so good to be normal again.

If you don't leave this behaviour will occur every few months or so, it's probably a way of punishing you for something... you will be treading on eggshells

Please leave for your dds sake and go via a refuge if need be.

KOKO

I know you're right RandomMess I can't unsee his controlling nature. I think he's a good guy deep down but he has some issues of his own that he needs to resolve. I really do have feelings for him so it makes it hard when he's being nice again. But you are so right!

Please don't tell yourself he's a "good guy deep down", he isn't. He just does some nice things to be charming & keep you

Busy apologies if you've seen this before, but if not please read these:

outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/abusive-cycle

outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/hoovering

You finding it harder to leave because he's being nice is exactly what being nice is designed to do. Please stay strong, and safe.

Yep 5 months of being "perfect" to get you to move, then the truth slowly seeps out as he doesn't feel the need to bother anymore he will remain "nice" enough to keep you there, then the sunken costs fallacy will kick in...

Please tell me you are being absolutely certain you can't fall pregnant by this abusive man?

Thanks for the links... Uncomfortable reading but insightful.

No chance of pregnancy as we haven't dtd for a while and I don't intend to. That would feel very wrong.

He's just showing his good side now to win you round, be afraid ...