Dh has started being really quite controlling.

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

Your OH didn't apologise because he was wrong, he apoplogised because he is aware how fragile your recovery is and is terrified of anything that will make you slip, including him trying to keep you on track. He is a saint and must be struggling himself.

You and your children have a lot of professional help, family support etc, which suggests this is early days in your recovery and there are concerns. I have no doubt that they are correct when telling you that you are doing well and doing a great job, and you are considering where you have been and how much of a battle you have with your MH.

You are still at the stage of others taking responsibility , an example of this is saying there are loads of family to take your children to A&E should the need arise, that is not a responsible approach. And while I believe that your counselors are saying to you if you do cave in and have a drink you are not a complete failure, this is because one blip does not take you back to where you were. However you are using this as an excuse that you can have a drink and will still be doing fine, and drinking on a weekend is a habit not a blip.

The first step to beating alcohol is to admit that you are alcohol dependent and that alcohol owns you. It is your first priority and you will deny and deceive yourself and others to have it.

OP my wish for you is that one day you will be well enough to see that posters on here are speaking sense. Meanwhile look at your OH's concerns as support and not controlling. Sometimes, someone else needs to take control while a person is on the road to recovery.

Sewme, you have nailed it. Thank you.

And thank you to everyone who's posted.

I hope you get through this weekend with out drinking Kerry. And I really really mean that

But I also hope that when your DH comes back from the weekend you don't immediately have a glass of wine (or a bottle) to reward yourself for being so good and not drinking all the weekend that he was away and how good you'd been.

I've been there done that got the t-shirt with my dad and my brother and it's like watching a car crash in slow motion. I've seen and heard it all and the saddest thing is that the alcoholic every different alcoholic never realises they are following a well trodden path, it's a script, every partner friend family member of an alcoholic has heard a million times.

I really do wish you all the best and I hope you can talk to the various agencies involved and get help and support to keep you on track.

If nothing else, please please take from this and your other thread, please at least understand acknowledge and take on board that lamotrigine and alcohol don't mix and you should not be drinking on lamotrigine.

Because, one of the things that screams alcohol issue to me, is that you asked the exact same question on another thread, you said it wasn't contraindicated on that thread, loads of wise mnetters told you it was, which you appeared to accept, and yet here we are, months later, and you're still drinking on it. Even though you could stop tomorrow. Don't need the drink. Go months without it.

This is rambling now and I am sorry for that. I'm worried about you, I'm worried about your MH, your DH and your kids. I hope you can get support in place that works for you and that your DH can get support too because all of this must be taking the most enormous toll on him.

good luck.

X posts.

for you Kerry

It would be a major step if you stop sabotaging your dh's efforts to get your dc to bed etc and feeling resentment that he is micromanaging you.

Change that mindset if you can to one where you feel part of the team, a dad and mum dynamic to make parenting easier.

Dc will manipulate the situation to their advantage if they see a hard cop/good cop scenario creating a wedge between parents unless they sing from the same hymmsheet.

If you back your dh up in parenting decisions and go through your responses jointly beforehand if you can, so the outcome aways appears as a joint decision, that will empower you.

NEVER sabotage good parenting decisions which undermine the other just because you want to be seen as the 'good, fun' parent or through guilt from how you've behaved before.

You sound as if you are on track op but every day, every decision, for the rest of your life counts and that must be daunting for you so take each baby step and ask yourself 'is this going to help dh? Is this going to help my family? Before you make any decision that is going to impact on others.

Unfortunately the pure selfishness of people like you and alcoholics/drugtakers and anyone else who always puts their own needs and interests first and to hell with anyone else means it is going to be a colossal change of habit/mindset for you to achieve.

But you have a good support network and you sound as if you are going to try and stop the selfishness and lack of empathy..so well done op, everyone wishes you and your family well, but remember it is by your actions on a daily basis only which is going to make any difference to your lives, and not what you think, wish for or say on here...x

I think the O.P has been given a bif of a tough time here although it's all well meaning.

Trying to cope with a mental illness and focus on your own recovering, AND children, And the needs of a husband who has, also taken on a saint like position (rightly, but still hard to be reminded you should be grateful all the time) is more than some average parents could cope with without an illness.

To be fair to posters who may come across as harsh to others, there is a huge back story and there have been other threads from Op which perhaps give more insight to the situation than how it is presented in this thread. This is not a couple of glasses on a Saturday night situation. It's very very minimised here but the fact op won't, or can't stop drinking in these circumstances is self explanatory. The level of involvement of services also shows that the situation is much more complex than the portrayal given in the posts here, especially the last few.

We all wish you well op and people may go about it differently but I think it's fair to say everyone genuinely wants a good outcome for you and your family and any posts here are made with this in mind.

People get frustrated and this comes across, but the heart of this situation is just very very sad, there is a woman and husband and children here in a terrible situation.

I feel so sorry for your DH. You're absolutely determined to blame him, to have him be labelled as "controlling". Thread after thread with you complaining that he's stifling you and controlling you. You're looking for sinister reasons behind all his behaviour so that you can blame him instead of yourself.

It's not him, it's you.

Well I'm a parent with none of the OPs concerns, but I do suffer with anxiety like many people and frankly coping with children can be bloody hard at times. I see parents who are perfectly well, with lots of support, who post on MN that they are struggling to cope with a demanding toddler/family and receive bucket loads of sympathy and are told not to worry about the dirty dishes in the sink, take some time, have a few and ask DH to step in and take up the slack.

What's the difference here? Yes the O.P. has a mental illness, and it made her so depressed she attempted suicide. The only difference has been the O.P.s extreme candour in revealing that. She has stated that the drink was a problem during her episode of illness. She's been trying to get up from a very dark place and is somehow being judged the same as a person without a long-term illness. She cannot be expected to be on top of everything. And after a breakdown some people are just never able to handle things as they were before.

I'm amazed the o.p is doing all the housework and arranging activities with the kids and cooking all the meals. That's real progress, hell, sometimes I do none of it! But she can't build Rome in a day, and if her DP is (lovely as he is he's not perfect) making her feel guilty for every little thing she does wrong, and insists on micro-managing her likes she's some sort of forever invalid, because she's ill, it's not going to help. I do think previous posters who have hauled the OP over the coals over her childs inconsistent bedtime routine have no idea what a fight it is for someone with MI to go from suicidal to just simply a functioning parent and frankly that was very nitpicky and unnecessary.

I can see why people with mental illness feel stigmatised. I think it was strong of the op to admit to have been suicidal in the first place.

O.p. I think family counselling would be something to pursue if your interaction together doesn't return to the way it should. Well done on all you've achieved

Thread after thread? I think I've maybe thought twice in my entire life that he was being controlling. And I've held my hands up and said why I feel like that. I know he's not.

Other than drinking in the park, which was a low point, I'm not sure what other backstory people think there is.

It is a complex situation but I really don't have THAT much input from services. I voluntarily go to a group every week because I wanted to explore why I drink. I go to a BPD group as well, and we have a family support worker who checks in with us every few weeks. She is coming tonight with the intention of discharging us. I don't have a cpn anymore and I only see the psych for med reviews every six months.

I really don't know what else to say. I'm not the selfish soulless bitch I seem to be being made out to be here.

Thank you SewMe.

Hi. There does seem to be a bit of a father/(errant) child complex going on in your relationship ... and that dynamic never makes the latter feel particularly good about themself!
However, it does seem to be based on your past behaviour, and there's nothing in your OP that screams 'controlling husband' to me.
That said, I haven't had the chance to read all of the thread, so apologies if anything else arose subsequently.
All the best.

You are if you drink because you know it's toxic so take responsibility for that and don't blame your dh for how he has to deal/cope with you.

Positive change needs to come from you first then your dh can relax, surely you can see that?

Good luck

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2850397-Am-I-being-a-hypochondriac

This is you isn't it OP? How is the internal bleeding from your drinking getting along now?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2795925-To-really-like-being-drunk

This is you too, isn't it.

Read about how your DH hates you drinking and feels like he can't leave you alone when drunk because you harm yourself.

Tell us all again how you're not minimising and how it's just a few glasses on the weekend.

No internal bleeding. I have a hernia. Not alcohol related. At that point I was drinking three bottles of wine over the weekend which the doctor said was high.

The other thread was from just after my last suicide attempt. I was in a very dark place.

I'm not entirely sure it's fair to link back to those. I've been completely open about my issues, so there's no need to try and catch me out.

No, I agree it's not fair to pull up those threads. But OP you HAVE TO GIVE UP DRINKING!

I know. That's what I am doing.

And the reason I'm not abstinent yet is because the group I go to recommend reducing before quitting. Not because of alcohol dependency but because for people in my situation it would be like kicking a crutch out from beneath us without replacing it.

I'm pretty much there now.

Oh dear

I don't think bringing up past threads is helpful other than to say - you can't drink on lamotrigine you know that so please xxx don't.

And also. You said (and I've only read the first sentence) I'm an alcoholic. Yet now, you're not. Sweetheart. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic.

I'm an alcoholic and yet I never drink. I have never drunk to excess bar once or twice in my life and I never ever drink every day because I know inside me is an alcoholic. You either are or you're not. But you can't be alcoholic today and not alcoholic tomorrow.

That probably hasn't come out right. I have an addictive personality. It goes in my family. My addiction is chocolate and coffee. But if I drank, I'd be an alcoholic.

Your no where near 'there' you over drank at the weekend. You are not toning down.

I swing around on whether calling myself an alcoholic is helpful. Currently it's more helpful to think of it as a shitty coping habit that I'm learning to replace. It's better to work on the reasons I drink rather than accept the AA reasoning that I'm powerless over alcohol. I'm not. I just need to choose other methods of coping.

Wannabe at my worst I was drinking two bottles of wine most nights.

Drinking a couple of glasses or a bottle on a weekend is MASSIVELY reducing. Please don't belittle my progress. If it was that easy to fix then there'd be no need for the myriad services available.

Lamotrigine s contra indicated with alcohol. You've been told this before. So why drink on it?

It's not. I've spoken at length to my psychiatrist about it. It's not recommended but it's not harmful. It can aggravate side effects, and it can make you drowsy. Neither of those things happen to me.

It's not the most amazing thing in the world to do, granted, but it's not physically harmful.