Dh has started being really quite controlling.

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

YY SewMe

Curlyhaired, you're projecting your view of people with AS. In actual fact, as SewMe points out, OP's DH was clearly controlling.

OP said in her post that she gets DS to bed fine in her own way when DH isn't in the house.

It was her DH imposing his bedtime agenda onto OP.

I do feel you people should have a hard look in the mirror and think about how you stigmatise people. The OP for having alcohol and MH issues, and now me for being autistic.

So my opinion is not helpful because I'm autistic - thanks. I was only diagnosed a few years ago. Would my opinion have been valid before I was Dx? Is a non-diagnosed autistic person's opinion valid? It could be you, it could be anyone, any of us can have undiagnosed conditions, or get them in later life.

I repeat people should be careful how they treat those posters with disclosed conditions.

And it's said that us autistics lack empathy!

You people

I don't believe it is helpful in THIS instance, no, Coutts.

"I said he could go back down and finish the video that DH pulled him off of. I probably should have been more proactive but tbh I was exhausted and taking the easy path."

It is 2 parents who are not on the same page with their approach to parenting, and OP undermined her DH because she is, in her words, a "free spirit" and wanted to do things her way.

Right here is my 20p and some SUPPORT as that is what is needed

BEDTIME - me and my oh both have our own way of doing bedtime. Gets the same outcome. When im doing bedtime my oh lets me it...when hes doing it I let him do it....same outcome it only gets confusing when someone interferes her husband should of let her do bedtime her way. Likewise when he does bedtime she should let him do it his way.

DRINKING-

Yes 2 glasses is 2 glasses but op did not get hammered and did keep herself in.check. that DOES show control. Her husband should either trust her with drink or not. Either trust her to be responsible and deal with it if she is not or tell her she is not to drink. The fact is she didnt have a bottle of wine, 4 cocktails, two shots and a vodka and coke she was reasonable and responsible with her intake

MENTAL HEALTH -

Lots of people have mental health it is exhausting. Please stop demonising mental health. This woman is clearly not well and is doing well keeping her shit together

WATCHING TV-

Stop being self righteous wankers. If you try to tell me you dont take half hour for yourself your full of shit. So she caught up on tv. The woman has been with her kid a day while husband works think she.is entitled to an hour away from him. Before bedtime might not be the right time but when is there not a reason to no have 10 mins? Good on you for finding the time small breaks are good for your mental health

IM A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC I SHOULD KNOW -

So her way doesnt work for you. My brother in law is a recovering alcoholic. He has the odd drink on the weekend .... no longer a raving drunk hes responsible with his intake. Jump.down from you high horse

I FEEL SORRY FOR DH

yes dh has done ALOT no way around that but I think he needs to be clear in what he wants from op

Lastly!

COMMUNICATION

I think this is were the breakdown is. I think op and dh need to often talk together about how they are feeling. If dh is working 7 days a week he must trust op ... if not why the hell is he letting her be the one in charge in the day.
Your both moving goalpost and justifying yourselves. Stop and talk.

Good luck op xxx

So why should it have been OPs DH who dictates what the page it is they're both supposed to be on?

Because you've stigmatised the OP?

Great post Chicken this is what was sorely needed on this thread!

When said "deal with it if shes not" I dont mean suck it up. I mean do what needs to be done if op is out of control.

Just to clear that before someone twists it

PussInCoutts

Iv never seen so many unsupportive rude people!
This poor woman is struggling lets try and help her not demonise her =(

OP even went against what she herself initially told DS. "I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him)"

This ends in "again, at about ten to eight, DH brought him up."

Can people not see the problem here? DS is told by mum to come up at 7.30. But somehow he ends up back downstairs again past that time (at the OP's doing). Then she complains that her DH is "huffy"! Her poor DH later aplogises for being grumpy and she accepts it!!!! Wow.....

This is just wrong.

OP, if you really think your son can have an equally happy bedtime your way then you need to be clear from the start of the night with both your son and your DH how you would like to do it. Not say "come up at 7.30" then send him back down so that he's watching telly again (after dad has switched the programme off) AFTER that time!

These things matter and will cause resentment with your OP. Plan ahead, don't change arrangements at the last minute as it IS undermining.

CurlyhairedAssassin

You are wrong.

Husband left op im.charge of bedtime ...husband was the one who undermined here not op. This has nothing to do with her being a free spirit. Stop twisting.

Great post chicken reckon you deserve a glass of for that

Also undermined she clearly says ds asked to watch more tv and she agreed

Again stip twisting

She herself told her DS to come up at 7.30. He was back downstairs watching telly at 7.45. YOU stop twisting.

She told him to comeup.

Dh brought him up.

They read a book

Ds asked to watch tv

Op agrees

Ds goes downstairs to watch tv

Am I the only one who read this post?

clearly we willl never agree on this. I think it's normal for 2 parents to differ slightly on what they think is the right way to do bedtimes. I don't think it's ideal for the child as personally I think a consistent bedtime routine is a comfort for them. Fair enough if you think different.

But when a parent, in this case the OP, to go back on the "rule" for that evening that they herself has set, it sends out the wrong message to the child. I thjnk most parents would agree that moving boundaries is confusing for the child. I think that THIS is what the OP's husband was worried and "huffy" about. It does NOT make him controlling.

Its very clear is dh who undermined op in this situation.

If op is doing bedtime. Dh should of asked op what was happening instead of just taking it upon himself to do it his way.

Dh has basically shown ds that what op says means nothing.

So the boy is up and down the stairs like a yoyo, with "rules" being changed to suit the OP. It isn't the best bedtime scenario. It's not great for the boy. I don't think I am controlling because I think that children should be given clear boundaries particularly on things like bedtime.. Clearly others do. . OP has already said that DS is high as a kite at bedtime. Maybe, just maybe, he is unsettled because his routine seems to change at random?

If I told my daughter she could watch the end of a film and my OH decided that wasnt going to be the case id be pissed off.
I have every right to allow my daughter to stay up. If my OH had a problem id expect him to communicate that problem not.just do it his way ... just because he thinks hes right.

Also you act as if this ONE example is all the time.
Maybe she lets him watch tv once a week, twice a week.
But we have ONE example which you are treating as if its every night.

This thread honestly feels like it sucks the soul from your body.

They made up. Everything is fine. No one is controlling and no one has alcohol issues, DH apologised, OP is happy, DH is happy, DS gets put to bed. Mental health issues under control, the past is in the past etc etc

I am referring to THIS instance. THIS bloody instance!!!!! That's all we have to go off, and I and others and clearly the DH didn't think it was great.

That is all. I give up.

The OP is doing great, I think. But I wanted to point out that I can understand her DH, IN THIS ONE InSTANCE that she's referring to, feeling annoyed that DS ended up back downstairs again after he'd alrwdy gone up to bed. It doesn't make him controlling in my, and many others' opinions, which is what after all, she asked for.

People don't really know enough to comment apart from what the OP has told us about this one particular time. DH could have brought DS up 15 mins early because the Reading homework had been forgotten about and he wanted to factor that inbefore DS was in relaxed mode for bed. You really don't know. Maybe he thinks that the Reading homework is best done well before bed (it is - it's what any teacher will tell you, as kids need to concentrate and they are lacking in energy by bedtime, and it can be stressful for them) and was worried it had been left. we don't know why it was, but it was - it still doesn't make DH "controlling" just because he's trying to ensure his DS has his homework done before he goes into relaxation mode.

No it doesnt make him controlling but does show lack of communication.
Dh should of spoke to op not just assume she had forgotten.
Popping his head in and sating dont forget he needs read that book.
Or even how long have you said ds can watch tv for?

That is what singing off the same sheet and working as a team is.
No dh is not controlling but yes there are issues.
Rather the ranting and raving about what op did wrong offer support on how to better deal with it next time ...

Which brings me to that word again communication.

The main controlling part of the post was that DH tried to limit OP to 2 glasses of wine at dinner then was disappointed and felt his trust was broken when he got home, when she had 4 drinks instead.

This spiralled, rightly or

Wrongly into some kind of debate about montoring someone else's drinking

Kerry I really hope you get the support you need.

You sound like my sister in law - she had depression & alcohol issues on & off for years.

She never admitted to alcoholism. But was incredibly dependant on a bottle of wine to get her through certain events.

By the time she admitted a problem & secured help, the damage was done.

We buried her a few weeks ago & on her death certificate it says her death was due to alcohol dependancy.

Yet if she were here now she'd argue that she wasn't an alcoholic, she could've went without it, she cut down.... but it was all too little, too late. She was in her early 40s & had her life stolen before she had a chance to straighten it out.

You've a family, she lost babies & mourned them through the bottom of a bottle.

I'm not judging you, I don't know you, but I wish I'd had the chance to talk openly to my sister in law before it got as bad as it did for her.

It sounds like you've a good man there, but he needs to stop drinking too, as long as you're both ignoring the obvious problem, nothing will change.