Dh has started being really quite controlling.

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

I didn't say alcohol was a non issue. I said my worry about dh being a bit controlling was.

But twist away.

Gawd, that poor man. I'd be tired and grumpy, too. Fuck, I'd be worse! He was micromanaging your drinking, that's one of hte first lines in your OP. Sod that, I'd have made it a condition of our staying together that you didn't drink at all because you're an alcoholic. No wonder he's on tenterhooks.

OP, I really don't think you realise how serious your situation is. You keep minimising and denying.

I really hope your eyes are opened before your husband reaches the end of his tether. Best of luck.

Sorry, again, but why do you think my situation is so serious?

I sometimes drink at weekends. And not every weekend. We went out for dinner and dh was worried about my mum being pissy with me so told asked me to only have a couple of drinks. Not because he thinks I am a raging alcoholic. He doesn't. And he would know.

I did used to drink too much, for about a year, but I've never been alcohol dependant and my health is fine (have recently had all the checks done). I was in a hole of depression for nearly two years and tried to kill myself several times. Drinking every day was all tangled up in that.

I'm not on a slippery slope, I'm treating my MH and having therapy for basically every aspect of my life. I know I've put my family through the wringer and I spend every day regretting that and making up for it. I do EVERYTHING that I'm supposed to for my recovery, my only failure is that I do like to unwind with wine at the weekends. It might not be ideal but it's not the family shattering catastrophe it's being made out to be here.

But anything I say will be taken as me minimising and denying. So I'm not sure why I'm bothering.

I do feel sorry for your DH. It seems you are satisfied by the outcome - you think that because DH apologised for being grumpy that that was the crux of the matter. you're translating that into DH admitting the whole issue was his fault. In fact it seems to me that it was just a bit of an olive branch to try and open a discussion with you - that would have been the opportunity for you to admit that you were also at fault. Discuss ways to avoid it happening again. Kiss and make up. But you still seem to think you were blameless.

I don't think I'm blameless. We have had several conversations about it.

why do you think my situation is so serious?

Seriously? You are bipolar. You tried to kill yourself. You were so dependent on drink that you drank in a park, in front of your children. I do appreciate that you are on your way to recovery, and it's really fantastic. But these are really serious issues that don't just go away overnight - it's a long haul.

Your husband wasn't worried about your mother being pissy. He was terrified that you would drink too much and the nightmare would start again. He still is.

You know your not supposed to drink on those meds.
I am also quite irritated about leaning on young carers because your spending too much time and energy on the service end of a bottle. My boys use young carers as I have a tumour...
Keep minimising though.

I'm on lamotragine and it's not contraindicated at all.

And my kids aren't involved with YC because of my drinking.

Wannabe,, that is rather unfair - OP is also bipolar and so Young Carers are appropriate in that instance.

I think the thread should maybe be left alone now. no-one thinks that your DH was being particularly controlling, which is what you started the thread for. You've had your answer on that one.

"Alcohol can increase the nervous system side effects of lamotrigine such as dizziness, drowsiness, and difficulty concentrating. Some people may also experience impairment in thinking and judgment. You should avoid or limit the use of alcohol while being treated with lamotrigine."

www.drugs.com/food-interactions/lamotrigine.html

Drugs . Com say avoid or limit alcohol with lamotrigine.

Nami helps says avoid

Net doctor says not recommended

And that's only a quick google.

I am sorry I have had a bad day. Mostly dealing with Cp In School where parents prioritise drinking and other things above their children.

I realise young carers is for lots of things including bipolar.

I still think even if the meds aren't being affected by booze you are choosing to control your moods and anxieties with drink. That's not healthy and you have a problem.

"Avoid drinking alcohol or using illegal drugs while you are taking lamotrigine. They may decrease the benefits (e.g. worsen your symptoms) and increase adverse effects (e.g., sedation) of the medication".

www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Mental-Health-Medications/Lamotrigine-(Lamictal)

I could go on.

I agree there is probably no point continuing the thread. The DH doesn't sound controlling I think that's unanimous. The family dynamic is unusual and difficult for others to understand. We don't live it and many of the aspects are pretty shocking when laid out the way they have been. I think blasé responses haven't helped the tone of the whole thread, and some people's shock comes across quite bluntly.

It's your life OP, if you feel you are in control then so be it. But do not forget you are in somewhat of a micromanaged life of control, propped up by many support systems, therapies, groups and medication. I worry it's giving you a false sense of stability. You may not be able to manage without those support systems, therefore, you are not yet ready to have the free will you desire.

Op you sound utterly selfish and you have obviously no empathy whatsoever for what you put your dh through with your suicide attempts and sabotage of his way of keeping his family together in the only way he knows how.

Why would you even TOUCH alcohol knowing how toxic it is to the health of your family?

Why don't you put him first for a change? Why don't you do everything in your power to help him find the trust in you again?

It's not words op, it's through your actions. Your dh sounds absolutely wonderful, your rock and anchor.

Your dh is the centre pole in the tent (your family), without him it would collapse.

Be his best friend, help him, be kind to him, do things that make him smile and not anxious so that he is happy.

That way he'll cut you some slack because he trusts you again. It will come naturally from that, so help him to help yourself.

Good luck op.

Your DH is probably shitting himself every time you drink, even one glass. He's seen you at your worst and is panicked about that happening again. It is not normal to have a bottle of wine to yourself at the weekend, certainly not with small kids.

The issue in your op is that you sent the DC downstairs once dad had sent them up. That would make me very cross.

I think removing booze entirely would help everyone in the house. I know pp are having a go about the booze, but that is where the issue lies, having lived with an alcoholic, the minute she reaches for the bottle is the minute I walk out of the room.

You know. I'm almost sure I've found an old thread of yours. Your DH was concerned you were an alcoholic. Loads of mnetters told you you were and that latromigine was contra indicated. You were calling your DH controlling then too. And you said in that thread you were only engaging with the therapies for your DH and kids. Which I don't think is a helpful mindset because that reinforces the Control element resting with your DH.

I also read the drinking in the park thread.

Can you talk to your CPN today? I'm worried that you're heading to a manic episode as there seems to be a pattern from your previous posts.

Either way - I hope today is a better day.

He's not controlling OP, he's scared and worried about you. As many others have said have a chat with him at the same time as saying you're going to quit drinking too, to give him a bit of confidence to let go of the reins a bit.

I hope you're feeling OK.

So to summarise, OP posts repeatedly about her huge and complex issues, which most of us are not even remotely qualified to comment on, and repeatedly and completely ignores common sense advice and personal experience of those who have experienced or observed similar circumstances.

That about sums up banging head against a brick wall. Repeatedly.

OP, if you stick with it...sooner or later everyone will give up on you. Nobody continues to bang their head on that wall forever.

There is nothing any of us can say to you op that will change the situation you are in. It's very hard for people to read though and be powerless as there is literally nothing that we can say to alter things for you. You are the only one who can actually do anything here.

A thread full of arguing and denying and recriminations and anger won't help anyone. It feels like judgement, I know it does. What I'm saying isn't from judgement it's from someone who has been where you are and understands.

All I would say to you is that one kindness you could do for your DH to repay all the care he has given you, would be to choose not to drink (even if one day at a time!). This would help him immensely and remove a huge source of stress and worry and improve his mental health, as well as your relationship with him, with your DC and your own mental and physical health. There would only be positive things from choosing not to drink.
^
If you feel that you are not alcohol dependent, or an alcoholic, or have an alcohol problem (whatever wording you prefer) and the benefits of not drinking are so great, why wouldn't you stop?^

You don't have to answer, you might not even be reading. But you sound like a logical person, you will know that the "benefits" alcohol gives you (a feeling of relaxation? A reward? Assistance to deal with problems?) are outweighed by the huge benefits your DH would get from you stopping (trust, reassurance, gratitude for example) let alone the benefits you would get. With this in mind, if you don't have a problem, why wouldn't you stop as a gesture of love and gratitude to your DH?

You are saying here, you don't have a problem, you could stop if you wanted to, you just don't feel you should have to, don't you agree? If this was truly the case, you would have stopped by now. You love your DH and your Dc. You would do anything in your power to make them happy.

You have something you can do to make them happy. If you aren't doing it, it's because you can't. There is NO SHAME in admitting this. Admitting this would be a huge step but I think you can do it. I hope you do.

Oh dear what happened to my italics, I fucked it right up I hope it still makes sense....

I do know I have a problem. I am dealing with it, with help. I have reduced my drinking massively and I am working towards total abstinence. I'm not doing nothing.

I'm not burying my head in the sand about it at all. I'm not drinking today. I don't plan to drink at the weekend. All I meant was that (as advised by professionals) if I do cave and drink this weekend I won't feel that I've failed completely.

I have techniques, flow charts, recovery capital lists and contact numbers. I also have willpower. Not as much as some people, but vastly more than I ever had.

With regards to my MH, again I do everything I should, every day. I take my meds, I exercise, I write a mood diary. I use the skills I've learned in nearly two years of intensive therapy.

I work hard every day to make dh and the kids feel loved and happy. Our support worker (who is very hands off now) says all the time that she thinks we do a great job.

I think my stream of consciousness posts don't come across very well. I'm obviously giving the impression that I just want to be left alone to get pissed all the time. This is not the case.

What I think you're trying to say is that, as a result of what happened in the past, your DP went from being your partner, lover, friend - to being your lover, friend, parent and as you now start picking up the pieces, standing on your feet, regaining your independence of thought and action and autonomy, now his 'parenting' mode is starting to chaff you and rub you the wrong way and is starting to feel confining and repressive. It also makes you feel like you are under a microscope 24/7 and cannot be wholly trusted.

Everytime you make a mistake, no matter how minor (as in bedtime scenario) you inwardly translate DP annoyed reaction as having more gravitas that it actually does, and react with a sense of shame which you project as DP making you feel this way. Your DP may also be reading way more into a lapse than it really means. But it is because things got so fucked up, that your respective roles and how you relate to each other is still stuck in how it was during your worse time, and has not gone back to as it should be. Possibly your dp has some inner resentment, no matter how well or sweet he appears to be, so any little thing you do wrong, is underlying in his reaction and you pick up on it, perhaps he is reacting by behaving passive aggressively. This would be understandable to a degree, but not helpful, because after what happened you are ultra sensitive to picking up signals of disappoinment, which due to your mental condition you may not frame correctly.

Either way any confrontation is making you feel ashamed, generally shit and upset which in turn means you feel the need to unwind at the weekend.

It is hard to recover if you feel people are just waiting for you to screw up again and judging every action as a sign you may be about to nose dive. It can take the motivation to improve away. It is very hard living with a mental illness for this reason. Is any of this reflective of how you feel?