Dh has started being really quite controlling.

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

OP this was only 3 months ago. The minimising early on in the thread to make out like it was 2 years back is quite sad.
You may be able to have reduced the services input but you can't possibly manage without them: you are in recovery not remission. Please don't confuse the 2 concepts

You,have made out on this thread like you've been stable for a very much longer time than you actually have been. You've only been stable for a very short period of time a matter of a very few weeks and yet even at this early early stage you are pushing the boundaries you and your DH agreed on.

I thought you were years (18 months to 2 year ) down the line when it's not even more than 2-3 months.

That's a totally different ball game. You must realise that, surely?

I've been stable since before Christmas.

I don't think I've said any different anywhere?

Check your opening post.
You state your breakdown was a few years ago and it has appeared that you have been in recovery for quite some period of time. You have not.

I'm really pleased that you feel so much progress has been made. I don't want to take that away from you. This is when it surely is most dangerous for you, when you feel better but have only just begun to scratch the surface of all the underlying feelings.
We aren't trying to attack you. Your DH cannot possibly be ready to heal himself yet, and this freedom that you need comes in all of the destructive formats you have stuck to all your life.
You need a new freedoms in new areas. You can't go back to who you used to be or the things you used to do. Your entire life continues to change, if you continue in the old bad habits and addictions you will sadly just be stuck in a cycle of 3 month recovery to meltdown forever, never really getting out of it.
I don't see the passion in you to really want this and to fight for it, for yourself. Maybe you are too tired to fight or maybe you don't think you need to.

I had a breakdown a few years ago ... I'm much more stable now.

I read that as the break down was a number of years in the last and you had been stable for "a few years"

And you know that is how people would read it.

I'm concerned that you're not as well as you think you are or as far down your recovery as you think you are.

I really do wish you and your family all the best and I hope it works out for all of you.

Why can't you make the decision not to drink for your dh?

Or your dc?

Why do you find it so hard not to be so selfish?

You do realise your behaviour impacts on others?

I grew up with a mother who was totally selfish and didn't care about the devastation and upset she caused others.

MH issues doesn't excuse wrecking other people's lives op.

So don't drink.

But you'd never agree to that because alcohol is your weapon of choice to punish those who love you as well as your crutch.

Why are you fighting so hard against whether your meds are contraindicated with alcohol? You've been assured on this thread that they are; a quick Google says they are, and apparently it says so right there on the packet...
Yet you reckon your psychiatrist has told you it's ok?
Speaking at length during a session about whether you can continue to drink or not kind of belies your claim that you can take it or leave it and it's not a problem for you

You knew bloody well that the way you wrote your op people would think you'd been stable for years and therefore your DH was over controlling.

OP does not like to hear stories of other posters because this is projecting onto her and unrelated.

I always read all posts with the knowledge that this is a perception and an angle, and there are many other angles and perceptions involved. So in this post, the angle from OP is a frustrated slow steady recovery, whereas the angle others see is danger, denial and excuses. All of us can have our opinions on it but we don't live in your life. Your marriage is yours to sort out and your drinking is also yours to deny or own up to.
If you ask for advice you will get a wide spectrum on it you know that.

I feel for you in many ways, I think it must be a very scary thing to face up to what is really going on, and the shame that a lot of this is things you could control, but you don't know how to. You may well stumble through your life like this forever, and I wish you luck. You could have more, that's what people are trying to show you - if you work hard at it, and are honest with yourself you can get there.

When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

Well for someone who has been battling alcoholism for a while now, has given up and started again more than once, I don't think it sounds as though you have it all under control at all. It really would be better if you stopped altogether. You are being micromanaged like child because you are behaving like a slightly out of control child.

I imagine he's terrified.

I don't agree with linking other posts particularly under a name change, but op maybe you could see this as a catalyst for good?

Because you NC a lot and post in quite different ways with different perspectives on various threads usually get the validation you want from threads, but I wonder if this here will actually be more helpful to you in the long run?

The reality is there is a huge back story and you have accepted in the past you have an alcohol problem yet you can't stop drinking.

You would better serve yourself being honest, not on MN necessarily, but just to yourself and accept and hopefully address your drinking. Arguing with people on here about it is fiddling whilst Rome burns, it really is. We aren't the people you need to worry about at all. Your family are the ones you will lose, MN will probably always be here for circular arguments and debates. Your family are much more important and you owe it to them if not yourself to be honest about this.

I agree with Tennessee.

I agree. Why do you care what we think? This is a distraction. You won't get what you need from here, not that you should not look for support, but you aren't getting it the way you expected because that's not the underlying intention of your post. People telling you over and over that you are looking for justifications. What you think you type and what people read that you have typed are really different things too.
Just be honest with yourself. That is all you need to do

I also agree. I also think you are heading for a crash I have a gut feeling so please, if you can, get some professional input from CPN or similar.

And if the CPN or other professionals say you're fine and you're no where near a crash then you are quite at liberty to come on here and shout NER NER NER at me. But tehre's something just not quite right in how you're posting.

And on that note, I'm going to leave the thread because I don't think it's going to do you any good and I'm emotionally too invested.

Bringing up past threads was cruel and uncalled for. I really feel a lot of the responses have moved more towards vindictiveness than 'helping' now. I also don't believe anyone posting here would be this 'direct' talking to anyone they knew in real life who had previously attempted suicide, whether for their supposed 'own good' or not.

I have a real issue with these support groups who advise about not cutting out alcohol altogether. I understand why it is said, but ime what actually happens is the support service states "obviously we understand that cutting out alcohol altogether is a real difficulty added to all the other things you're facing at the moment." And the person reframes that to say "my support have told me that I shouldn't be cutting out alcohol at the moment because I need it as a crutch."

At the end of the day if you're an alcoholic the only way to deal with that is to stop drinking. completely. for ever.

Because the reality is that if you're drinking anything at all there comes a point where you feel a bit better, and a bit more justified in drinking that one extra glass, or that one cocktail. And three glasses of wine and a cocktail is a lot of alcohol. It puts you three times over the legal limit for driving. So if you consider that to be an improvement then that gives you a good idea of just how badly alcohol dependent you are.

Your DH is struggling. At the moment he's dealing with the fallout of your breakdown but also with the realisation that he's married to an alcoholic who doesn't want to stop drinking. His agreement to you only drinking two glasses of wine shows just how much he is trying to be understanding of your recovery process. If it was my partner The agreement would be no alcohol or I would be starting to re-evaluate the relationship.

And the very fact you are saying they were small glasses shows just how much you feel you can justify continuing to drink. The agreement was two glasses. Not 300 ml or half a bottle, two glasses. How big or small those glasses were is not relevant. The instant you had the 3rd glass you had broken the agreement.

He is full of control and you need to start being assertive and standing up for yourself.

Wtf is no I'm not helping with the dishes as I've been working. What does he think you have been doing? Or does he not see childcare and the home as work and an equal contribution?

Next time. Tell him, it's not negotiable or a debate, you expect him to contribute to the household work and he does not determine by himself how you raise your children and what they do and when.

He sounds full of moral superiority and arrogance and control - I am dealing with similar. Do not let him destroy your free spirit as you will end up a shadow of yourself!

Do not let him destroy your free spirit as you will end up a shadow of yourself!

RTFT. The OP is bipolar, tried to kill herself repeatedly, and has a problem with drink. Her husband is understandably terrified that it will all kick off again.

Music have you even bothered reading the actual thread?

Music I think you posted on the wrong thread....

Op, i think its was unfair of someone to link the other threads. But i think you should read them back.

Your drinking isnt under control. It wasnt 3 months ago and its not now. You need sone real helo. For your families sake.

I read the first half of thread and have to say I really feel for you OP.

I feel some people here are being unfairly self righteous and mean to you.

I hope you get your energy levels sorted because you shouldn't be exhausted by 7.30 pm. I had similar issues but was just found to have a certain deficiency in blood tests which is a relief. See your GP for full blood tests and the lot.

you've come a long way. I hope you manage to quit alcohol entirely. I also hope you get praise for all your efforts so far. Your DH sounds a bit controlling and I couldn't take it without imploding either but I see his point of view possibly and don't know enough to have a firm opinion on that.

Posts by Sewme have been amazingly insightful and articulate, especially the one before the last. I wish more people understood from those very well articulated posts.

I hope you OP don't mind me suggesting something that may seem off topic. I'm just getting a hunch that you sound more than a bit like me. And I was falsely diagnosed as bipolar when I got suicidal etc. Turns out I actually am autistic and had developed an array of unhealthy coping mechanisms to try to deal with demands of everyday life and trying to live like a 'normal' person.

You do sound stressed and I would urge you to at least have a brief look at how autism manifests in females. just in case you are like me.

Beware though, some doctors would much rather have you labelled with a psychiatric condition than a learning disability. Pills making you docile are an easy way out for the system unlike the adjustments required for learning disabilities.

I don't usually believe in linking to old threads, especially with name change. But this is an exception.

OP, you outright lied in order to get the validation you're craving from a bunch of strangers.

That is incredibly, incredibly fucked up.

And quite worrying - I'll think twice before giving my opinion between coffee sips on these types of threads from now on.