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Original poster

Dh has started being really quite controlling.

365 replies

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 12/03/2017 22:28

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 07:55

I justified the wine because ....

That's just such a wrong sentence. If I was your DH that would be excusing to me.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

I feel sorry for your DH and he's clearly having a rough time at work and at home. He's carrying an awful heavy load.

KateDaniels2 · 13/03/2017 07:56

Op you have been through i rough time so i dint want to be harsh.

But it doesnt matter if it was a special night. You have a problem with alcohol. Special night or not. You say he is controlling. If he was really controlling would he really have had a good night with you drinking twice as much as you agreed?

The 2 things don't go together.

I have had a few alcholics in our family. When they cut down health professionals are 'happy with the amount'. Health professionals have to walk a fine line between telling you whats right without being to stern. The fact os that medical professionals will tell you its good you have more control but would not advocate 3 glasses of wine and a cocktail.

I assume you are medicated for bi polar. Even if you arent the medical advice is that drinking makes it worse. How many unit did you have? Enough to technically class it as a 'binge'?

You and your dh need helo to manage this new phase. But honestly it doesnt sound like you are as well as you think you are.

You have a child young enough to cosleep, you sit upstairs while he eatches TV to wind down on his own. TVs dont wind children down. The child is up and down the stairs and you ignore the bedtime you set.

You and your husband need to have an honest converstation about what is going on and where he thinks the issues are and where you think they are.

Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 07:56

Bottom line, for me.

You say "my drinking is under control now"

No. It's not. Because, if it was you'd have had the two glasses of wine you agreed on, not three and a cocktail.

Even justifying the wine, you still had a cocktail.

BakeOffBiscuits · 13/03/2017 07:57

"I do still have a ducked up relationship with alcohol"

Yes, So stop from thinking altogether. It's the only way. I feel tewakly sorry fir your dh. He's working reduculous hours because you "need the money" so must be under a huge amount if stress yet you're not helping at all. You're adding to his stress by drinking at all.
If you want things to go back to how they were, show him you are in control of yourself. That will take a lot of pressure off your H.

Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 07:57

And if you're on medication for your bi-polar, are you sure it doesn't contraindicated alcohol? I know when I was on ADs that booze was contraindicated.

BakeOffBiscuits · 13/03/2017 07:58

Excuse typos!

KateDaniels2 · 13/03/2017 07:59

and dh did have a nice time

This doesnt go with he feels i broke a promise

If your partner has a drink problem both these things will not be true. I think you are bury your head in the sand.

You dont have a good night while being with someone who has a drink problem, drinking alot.

Trollspoopglitter · 13/03/2017 08:01

Sorry to be harsh but why do you feel rather than did? It doesn't sound like you're taking responsibility at all. You fucked up and that relationship is gone but you can rebuild a new one and it can be even better. Sounds like your DH is trying hard. You should too, instead of moaning how unfair it all is.

BakeOffBiscuits · 13/03/2017 08:01

I also don't get the bedtime bit.

Your Dh is working.
You're in your bedroom watching tv and your young son is downstairs watching tv on his own? Confused
Your son would really benefit from being with a parent just before bed and the current advice is to switch all screens off at least an hour before bedtime.

Isetan · 13/03/2017 08:04

It does appear that you are rebelling and that manifests itself in behaviour that could be very damaging to not just yourself. Your H has to learn to trust you again (yes I know that your illness isn't your fault but the management of it is your responsibility) and earning that trust will involve compromising and compromising isn't about rolling over but rather, acknowledging the impacts on your choices on him.

Long term, how do you see having such wildly differing ideas about everything from parenting to managing your MH working? Bedtimes are just an example of you and your H doing things not as a team but as individuals. Yes you can have different styles but there is another individual involved (your son) who does need for you to be on the same page. Personally, I think the inconsistencies in the not so routine bedtime routine, is storing up a whole heap of future problems.

I think it's time you sought relationship counselling because the resentment being built up now, will corrode your marriage.

Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 08:04

I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time)

That reads like all about you. Why is it all about you having a great time? That's a really selfish attitude.

Your "affair" is with alcohol.

So, try

I promised my DH not to see the OM any more. I promised I'd only see him at work. We only went for a coffee in the works canteen. It was only one coffee.

Can you understand how your DH might feel if it's framed that way?

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 13/03/2017 08:05

I'm sorry but anyone who has ever had alcohol issues in the past needs to give up drinking completely and forever.

You will relapse otherwise.

GeorgeTheHamster · 13/03/2017 08:05

I think you need to think really hard about what life must be like for your DH, really try to put yourself in his shoes, before you decide how you feel about what is going on.

He's working full time, responsible for the family's finances, dealing with a mentally ill wife with an alcohol problem and worrying about his child. It's a lot to deal with.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 13/03/2017 08:10

Ok, I appreciate I fucked up with the night out. But I really didn't have any more drink than I said I would, it just came in smaller glasses. It would have been a very tense evening if I was completely sober as my mother was being very hard work and as it was me and my sister were able to laugh at her sniping at us instead of engaging.

Ds is 5 by the way, so not tiny. I said he could go back down and finish the video that DH pulled him off of. I probably should have been more proactive but tbh I was exhausted and taking the easy path. It's just that in my head I had it all under control (I did!) and dh didn't trust my judgement so stepped in. It made me feel rubbish and chastened.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 08:10

I agree with Isetan as well.

It seems like you and your DH are fundamentally on different pages when it comes to quite a lot of things and I would think it would be really useful for the two of you to agree a joint approach

Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 08:11

You did have more drink than you said you would. Why can't you see that? You SAID two glasses. You had three AND a cocktail.

Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 08:12

And if you're mother is hard work and you can't deal with that sober then you need a strategy to deal with your mother that isn't alcohol, you have to learn to deal with life sober.

KateDaniels2 · 13/03/2017 08:19

Ok, I appreciate I fucked up with the night out. But I really didn't have any more drink than I said I would, it just came in smaller glasses.

Have you told dh you fucked up?

2 glasses is not the same as 3 and a cocktail. You know this. You are still jusitfying.

Do you work op? Is all the financial pressure on dh.

You say you were exhausted so let your son go back and watch TV while you watched upstairs. After the bedtime YOU set.

Why not spend time with ds? Why not put something on your TV for him?

We all get exhausted. Dh would piss me off if he just let ds do what he wanted because he was tired and sat in a different room from him.

Be honest, do you feel you avoid parenting. It does sound like it. Or did you let hime go down because you felt pissed off at dh? Did it to assert some control?

KateDaniels2 · 13/03/2017 08:21

And yes having to drink to deal with your mother is a huge sugn your drinking isnt ok.

Who exactly had a good night?

You drank more than agreed and dh feels hurt by that. Your mum was a pain in the arse to the point you had to drink to deal with her.

That doesnt sound like a good night.

expatinscotland · 13/03/2017 08:24

I don't blame him one bit.

BakeOffBiscuits · 13/03/2017 08:26

Sad the more you write the worse you sound re alcohol.

You drank so you could cope with your mum? That's a huge red flag for alcoholism.

AgainPlease · 13/03/2017 08:26

Fuck me. I feel sorry for your DH

Isadora2007 · 13/03/2017 08:28

Isetan spoke a lot of sense.

You have to look at it that your condition has broken the relationship to an extent and your husband stepped up and held it together but probably feels annoyed at himself for missing just how bad it was and not being on the ball enough to prevent it. Now he is trying desperately to remain in control but struggling to let go to an extent. The more often you move the goalposts to suit you (understandably or not) the less he can trust that you have it under control. Tight tight boundaries are needed first to give you both (and your relationship and your child) security and belief that things are better. THEN and only then can you become more flexible. Communication is key at that point too and you should be checking in with your husband or at least telling him "I have said A can come down to watch the end of the film but he will be straight to bed after at 8"... Though I would prefer to discuss it first for fairness to my co-parent.

I wish you well in your recovery but I think you are struggling to step out from yourself and your viewpoint to see your husbands which is a real shame.

Isadora2007 · 13/03/2017 08:28

And if your mum "causes" you to drink then she shouldn't be in your life just now.

Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 08:30

No one else but the alcoholic "causes" them to drink. They make a choice to lift that glass. And if someone can't cope with life sober, without needing an excuse if a drink, then they have a big problem.

I am another one who feels so sorry for your DH.

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