Dh has started being really quite controlling.

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

OP you've posted before about drinking bottles of vodka and wine in a freezing park, and you're in alcohol services. You are an alcoholic. Some parents may open a bottle of wine in front of the TV and lots of those parents may be alcoholics too. You're normalising and minimising. You should show your workers this thread because it's classic. I'm talking as someone with an alcoholic parent. I know the dance and the script and you're doing it.

But Kerry, that's your job as a SAHP. And IIRC, the kids aren't even all his. Is he having to work all the time to pay off the debt you ran up? I'll bet he's so stressed out every time he has to leave because he can't trust you. You're an alcoholic in denial. I can only imagine how this thread would read if he posted from his point of view, or if he did so and he were a woman.

I did drink a bottle of wine in the park, yes. Not vodka! That was at a low point and nothing similar has happened since.

The kids are all his in every way that matters by the way, we never make any distinction. We are a family.

Op forgive me if I am wrong but did you post a while ago about how to support your DH as he was struggling with everything?

The biggest thing you could do to support him, and let him lean on you as you lean on him, would be to allow him to trust that you won't drink. It isn't his "controlling" behaviour here that is the issue, it's yours and your recent posts show very clearly you aren't accepting the level of your issues with alcohol.

You can't trust yourself not to drink - would you agree with that? If you can't trust yourself, how on earth can he trust you? And then you feel he is "controlling" you and his behaviour will cause you to "implode".

Do you see, at all, how unfair you are being? To him, and to your DC, and to yourself as you have the power you change all this. In fact you are the only one that can change all this.

I feel very much for you but I won't post any more as there isn't anything else any of us can say that can help you while you're denying the extent of your issues. I hope you can allow yourself to accept things and move on, not just for your DHs and your DCs sake, but for yours.

I'm sure I'm not the only one detaching from this to protect myself but who wishes you well and who thinks your DH sounds like a bloody good loyal man and it's so fucking sad that you're throwing away happiness with both hands. Your DH is still hanging in there in the hope things will change, he hasn't yet detached himself from you in an effort to protect himself, I hope he doesn't have to. Perhaps you will repay the huge trust he is putting in you instead of thinking he isn't trusting enough.

One day at a time, that's all you can do. I sincerely hope you do it.

Oh my goodness. There is obvious a whole back story here.

I'm sorry my post sounded much more harsh than I intended. I do feel angry and that came across, but it's not anger towards you OP it's just generally such an unfair situation and I really feel for you and your family.

This is the hardest thing you'll ever do and I wish you and your family well

Sorry OP, not vodka in the park but I think you made a thread talking about liking being drunk where you'd just had a litre of vodka.

Kerry.

I'm not an alcoholic. I don't drink.

Do you know why I'm not an alcoholic? Because every single time I'm tempted I don't buy a bottle of wine or a bottle of Baileys.

My dad is an alcoholic and my brother is an alcoholic. I know very wel that if I started I wouldn't stop and I could not moderate.

I eat chocolate and drink far too much coke. I have drugs for horrific back pain from the doctor and I'm scared to take them because I have an addictive personality or at least I think I might do and I'm scared to take the reins off.

I do hope you can beat this and come out the other end and I'm sorry if my posts have upset you.

I agree with all that has been said about how you can show your support, and that this is what could drive your focus and change so so much for you.
There isn't much that sounds like your DH could possibly do more. It's your turn x

Stopping drinking seems adviseable.

You have a very good husband and you should appreciate everything he's done. You're very lucky.

This is what's going to happen. You are going to drink this weekend. Hopefully nothing will happen.

But you will clash with your mother at some point. Or you will "implode" because your husband gets understandably anxious because he walks on eggshells around you. And you will drink again. Not a worry, though, because you're in control. You're totally in control.

Except at some point something bad will happen. And your husband will get fed up. And you will blame him because he's soooo controlling, and get another drink.

And so on and so forth until something gives.

But not to worry, because you will always be able to have a little drinkie!

"I am still determined to stop drinking though, it's actually much harder to try to moderate than it is to stop completely and it's a bit exhausting really. "

It actually isn't at all, unless you're an alcoholic.

I support dh and the kids in lots of ways. I keep the house clean, I cook, I arrange activities. I make sure dh has plenty of time 'off'. The kids are well supported by Young Carers and have lots of friends they see out of school.

That's called being a normal parent, love.

"The kids are well supported by Young Carers"

How come the kids are still involved with Young Carers?

I think you have a huge alcohol problem too. My mum had a friend, younger than her, who was an alcoholic. She hid it from everyone for years. Always had an excuse for everyone or they just saw her as a party girl or someone who "enjoyed a drink." She destroyed her liver over time and then it was too late to do anything about it. One of the last visits my mum saw her for at the hospital, she was in a wheelchair cos she had lost use of her legs. My mum pushed her to have a coffee in the hospital coffee shop and on the way there she shat herself. All her dignity had gone. My mum had to help clean her up in a nearby toilet. She died a few weeks later. She had spent years and YEARS minimising like you have been. Only eventually her liver Just couldn't take any more. Once it's reached the point of no return like that your whole body shuts down bit by bit. Awful, agonising, drawn out, dignity-stealing death.

You do NOT want to end up like that. You have a chance to change things but the sound of it. But you have to grab it by the horns and face it head on - properly.

BY the sound of it.

Op given that it was you that was sat in the park drinking you are an alcholic. You admitted it on the thread.

I beleive you used Apple pay as your dh had all your cards.

Alcholics often dont drink for a while. Or can say no on occasion. My grandfatger was an alchokic his entire life. A fee times he went years without a drink.

I am really concerned that your dh is jow blaming himself.

He has sole financial responsibility for the family, is working off debt you accrued, working loads of hours and hugely supporting you. He is picking up all the pieces.

But somehow its his fault for being upset when you cant control his drinking. You have posted before that you think he will leave. Many have supported you as you seemed to really want help. Reading that thread and this one, it seems you are once again hiding your head in the sand.

You have an alchol problem. You dont want to admit it.

The line "the kids are well supported by young carers" has really cut me. It seems as if you are abrogating responsibility well it's ok, they have young carers.

I'm stunned that you see your kids being supported by Young Carers evidence of how supportive you are.
How are they deemed to be your carers?

Abdicating

I have no idea what that other word is

Your DH is not being controlling. He loves you and is trying to help you. I have an alcoholic sister, it is heartbreaking to see her minimise her drinking. I hope you stay in therapy and things improve for you. He sounds like a gem. flowers

My sister in law is bipolar. She basically has chosen to live a very small, controlled, isolated life with her dogs in order to cope. But thats her, so Im not saying that she is how everyone with bipolar is
HOWEVER it took several cycles of her going off with the fairies before she even began to recognise the signs,

I know of another lady who is bipolar and she has a wonderful husband who is able to tell her that she is heading down to unregulated thinking and acting WAY before she recognises it herself, but this has taken years of work and trust and understanding, and she says she will still argue at times that she is perfectly all right.

I think what I am trying to say is that it is a very scary place being on the other side of a family member with this condition, because you can see when they are beginning to lose the plot again - when their behaviour is beginning to head towards mania (because neither of these ladies have really done the 'down' bit) - to begin to have wild ideas and to not recognise they are drinking or behaving erratically.

If you have only had one 'bout' of bad times and hospitalisation, it may be that he is recognising things happening again and, hard as it is, after 6 months you dont know this beast that is bipolar. He is the one who's brain is on the chemical level, and he is the one who is thinking and doing clearly. Maybe, just maybe, he is seeing signs that you are swinging again, and in the early days it can be very hard to get the medications spot on first time. You are going to have to learn to trust him because, to be honest, alot of the time you will not know what is best for you, even if you think you do.

Wow that's some epic twisting of my words.

I'm not abdicating anything. I was just trying to explain that the kids have a full and 'normal' life and I do everything I can to make sure that's the case. Young Carers support means they get to go to youth club every week and go on activity weekends and days out. They are NOT my carers, the services are available to any child with an ill parent.

I feel really quite attacked here. You don't know me, and there seems to be a massive amount of projection. I'm not some lazy pisshead who is letting dh take up all the slack. Yes I do worry about him leaving me, frequently, but that is down to being incredibly insecure.

I am working hard on my various issues and yet every time I post people are telling me I'm an alcoholic and have to stop drinking immediately and that I'm wrecking dh and the kids' lives. The various actual professionals and workers that know me and know the family are telling me a different story.

This thread has become all about alcohol when in fact I was more worried about him being sharp with me and micromanaging my interactions with the kids. We've spoken and he has said it was his issue, he was tired and grumpy.

It was a non issue and I shouldn't have bothered posting.

You sat in a park drinking wine while your children played. You tried to kill yourself. You have been diagnosed with bipolar, which is something that really doesn't go well with alcohol. Your husband is on tenterhooks when he watches you drink.

But alcohol is a non-issue. Of course it is.