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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has started being really quite controlling.

365 replies

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 12/03/2017 22:28

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 16:57

Oh dear. I must say I don't get the Grin about the suicide attempt.

Don't you realise how devastating that will have been for your family?

I think it's a bit weird to grin about that.

(And I know you've said gallows humour but it still makes me feel a bit odd)

finagler · 13/03/2017 17:01

I imagine your dh is petrified history will repeat itself. Hes probably terrified of what you are going to do and worried that every drink or prolonged absence upstairs means that you are slipping back into depression. You need to give up alcohol and behave like a mature grown up functioning adult.

thethoughtfox · 13/03/2017 17:12

'Dh is actually away this weekend so I am planning not to drink at all at the weekend, as it'll be hard enough to get through.

That's not a promise though and I'm not going to beat myself up if I do have wine on Saturday night or whatever. One day at a time is good.'

You are already already acknowledging that you will not be able last the weekend without having a drink while in sole charge of your children with no one there to 'control' you. This is really dangerous. Tell your husband how you feel and get someone else to stay with your children.

TheBookOfLoveIsLongAndBoring · 13/03/2017 17:16

You're an alcoholic who had 3 drinks and couldn't limit yourself again. He's not being controlling, you're an alcoholic.

DistanceCall · 13/03/2017 17:17

Dh is actually away this weekend so I am planning not to drink at all at the weekend, as it'll be hard enough to get through.

That's not a promise though and I'm not going to beat myself up if I do have wine on Saturday night or whatever. One day at a time is good

If you are honest with yourself, you have already decided that you are going to drink, and are rationalising.

You have been diagnosed with bipolar and have tried to kill yourself. You seem unable to stop drinking. Can you really not understand why your husband feels he cannot trust you to take the reins?

Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 17:23

I agree that you're planning to drink this weekend and are rationalising it.

I think you need to let your DH know and get support in place for your DC and yourself this weekend.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 13/03/2017 17:39

Look, I know you will say I'm minimising and I get why. But.

I'm not an alcoholic. I went through a period of drinking far too much too often and it had an impact on my MH and our finances.

If I drink this weekend it will be a bottle of wine in front of the tv after the kids have gone to bed. Just like millions of other parents. No one needs to step in and care for my children. I discussed all of this at group and no one is concerned.

I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else.

I know I'll probably get slated now but I'm just trying to say there's no need to get all pearl clutchy and hysterical.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 17:43

You are an alcoholic. I'd put my life on it.

ElspethFlashman · 13/03/2017 17:44

Actually drinking a bottle of wine alone when there's nobody but you to look after the kids is not on.

And I'm no saint. But it's really really not on.

PUGaLUGS · 13/03/2017 17:47

But posters will get all pearl clutchy and hysterical. Me included. You have an alcohol problem. I know it's easy for me to say don't drink this weekend, but please try not to. A bottle of wine in front of the tv? I think you are asking for trouble.

I think your DH is a saint, I really do, a bloody keeper.

I am trying to say this in the nicest possible way, don't drink and cut some slack with your DH Flowers

TennesseeFlatTopBox · 13/03/2017 17:50

Are you meant to drink a bottle of wine with any medication you are on?

I don't think it's helpful to argue over the word alcoholic OP, would you accept that you have a problem with alcohol?

KanyeWesticle · 13/03/2017 17:52

He can only loosen the reins if you prove he can trust you. Stick to your promise of your son's 7:30 bedtime, stick to your 2 glasses of wine, not 3 and a cocktail - if he can trust you to stick to your word, THEN you can ask him to leave you to it. It does sound like you've come a long way, but you are not there yet.

Blinkyblink · 13/03/2017 17:57

Op you are an alcoholic.

Kikikaakaa · 13/03/2017 18:04

Actually I'm sorry I don't then a bottle of wine in TV is good either, and I am someone who is purposefully trying to talk myself out of doing exactly that all of the time.
There is a dry thread on this forum and I just joined it. I don't believe in these labels for something complex like alcohol use because I am not an alcoholic, but I have an underlying problem with alcohol - I like it. I use it to feel good (self medicate). I convince myself it's fine and I am like everyone else. But I am not. Most other people do not think about alcohol this much and plans ahead and most other people. I include you in thinking you are a lot like me - standing at the top of a slippery slope, not quite falling over it. I've been at the top of it for 20 years. I need to move myself away, break the bad habit with booze or nothing will ever really change, and it only takes a small thing to trigger the urge to drink.
Convince yourself all you like that this is normal and controlled but sadly it isn't. Your DH just wants you to be safe, and protect you from your poor willpower

expatinscotland · 13/03/2017 18:04

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 13/03/2017 18:07

I totally accept that I have a problem moderating. And I've already said I'm aiming not to drink at all this weekend.

But I know not to make promises to myself (or anyone else) because it's setting myself up for failure. That's all I meant.

And then I got defensive because people started saying I needed to arrange alternative care for my children.

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 13/03/2017 18:16

I think you know a lot of things but the language you use is generally dismissive and it just isn't helping you. It's quite contradictory. It's ok to lapse it's not a relapse, supported by MH professionals - drinking on a weekly basis is not a lapse, it's habitual planned drinking.

I suppose from the outside looking in, what are you doing to rebuild the trust? How are you supporting your husband emotionally and physically? If the focus is all around you staying stable and gaining your freedom, where do your DH and DS come into this? Mental health support is often all about the client and the family doesn't get the same service. perhaps this is now time to look around you at what you can put back in to your family to support them

finagler · 13/03/2017 18:21

What if you have to take your dcs to a and e? If you've drunk a bottle of wine they will report you!

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 13/03/2017 18:25

I don't think a bottle of wine in front of the tv is normal. I don't remember the last time I had a drink TBH.

Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 18:36

I wouldn't drink as the adult in sole charge of young kids. Not at all. In case of a&e visit or some other type of crisis.

TennesseeFlatTopBox · 13/03/2017 18:36

It doesn't matter whether you think it's normal only, or indeed what anyone else drinks in front of the TV really. OP has acknowledged she has a problem with alcohol, this coupled with MH issues (requiring medication?) and seeing her DH's lack of trust as being controlling (so not fully understanding the impact things have had/are having on him) means that moderation isn't really advised or practical.

OP if you could moderate, you would have in the past. Can you accept that you still have a problem with moderating your intake? I know you will think 100% sobriety isn't attainable for you so you are being realistic in attempting to moderate, but like I said, if you could you would have.

Have NCed from earlier in the thread, btw.

TennesseeFlatTopBox · 13/03/2017 18:39

This is all going to get hung up on whether people should drink in sole charge of DC, isn't it, which isn't really helpful. A general discussion isn't much use as OP has specific circumstances.

Annesmyth123 · 13/03/2017 18:40

That's true Tennessee.

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 13/03/2017 18:40

In the unlikely event of needing to go to a&e I have lots and lots of friends and family locally.

I support dh and the kids in lots of ways. I keep the house clean, I cook, I arrange activities. I make sure dh has plenty of time 'off'. The kids are well supported by Young Carers and have lots of friends they see out of school.

I probably won't drink this weekend. I'm not completely beholden to alcohol.

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 13/03/2017 18:47

Op i asked this earlier but cant see a response. Not sure if you missed it or dont want to answer (which is fine, i am not saying you have to) but are you the OP who posted in aibu about sitting in the park drinking wine while the kids played?