Dh has started being really quite controlling.

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

Threatening to implode is not helpful OP.

You arent stepping up. You arent aiding your own recovery you want him to loosen the reigns but you are still srinking and checking out of oarentimg your own child.

He is probably terrified that history will repeats itself. I think you know deep doen that you arent coping or recovered and taking things out on the one person who has been there for you, dh.

Oh and he really really isn't being selfish. He does loads, he played with ds2 for hours yesterday and did an hour's driving to pick DD up.

Why couldn't you play with DS2? You've said that you're doing 100% of the housework but he's still having to carry a load of the actual parenting - and the bloke appears to never get a break.

It sounds as if your OH has been hugely supportive and you are still in very regular counselling and these are factors which are keeping you stable. Living with someone with MH illness is very stressful and your OH is probably terrified that you are going to relapse for his sake as well as yours. Are you defensive when you both try to talk about this, are you open to the fact he has your well-being as a priority?
He has taken on huge responsibility, working all hours to earn the money you need, managing the finances and no doubt looking after your DS when you are unable, whilst also looking after you. You need to acknowledge this and take some responsibility yourself.
If you feel your OH is treating you like a child then perhaps it is because you are behaving like one? An alcoholic drinking to cope with a social situation (your mother), drinking more than you agreed and then justifying it and complaining sounds petulant.
There is no structure to your DS bedtime and you admit to taking the easy option, how does your OH know you are coming down for him? It seems a strange set up while you stay upstairs, leaving your DS to watch TV, then read him a book and send him back downstairs?
OP are you micro managed or is your OH trying to encourage you to keep some routine for your son and supporting your recovery by asking you not to drink alcohol?
Is it a catch 22, can he see your MH deteriorating or recognise triggers (and you can't) so steps up his involvement and you feel criticised?

I played with ds all morning while dh worked! And then cooked two different lunches for everyone. I did some washing, tidied up and cleaned the kitchen twice.

kerry I think people have latched onto the drinking unfairly. If he was so incredibly tired why does he not knock one of his 3 nights out on the head? If he's working so much because you are short on money, why is he going out spending it? 3 times a week, not just once?
As for bed time, people do it in their own ways, it's well known this you shouldn't do that..blah blah blah. All that needed to happen was for you to communicate that you were letting him stay up a little longer watching the tv. Agree between you a routine that works for you all. Think communication is the key here tbh.

It sounds like you are making huge progress. You should be proud of yourself! Good luck in the future OP. 😘

Re his nights out, he does music and martial arts, neither cost anything. I don't resent that at all. Just want to make that clear.

I'm sorry but that bedtime situation would have really pissed me off.

It's 7.15 on a Sunday night and the child still has homework to do??

Then, sent downstairs on his own to watch yet more telly?

Whilst you sat on your arse in bed cos you're "a free spirit" and "exhausted"?

Bollocks to that.

It wasn't homework. It was ten minutes reading, which he always does before bed. And tbf he'd already read with dh earlier.

Talk to your therapist about ways you can express your free spirit nature, maybe you need a hobby too

The end result isn't the same if you're letting the situation control you, the inconsistencies at bedtime is probably impacting your H's bedtime routine with your son, hence his behaviour. I'm not excusing his behaviour but I can totally see where it's coming from.

You're basically saying, if your H doesn't let you do it your way that you'll explode. He's there only to pick up the pieces and is not allowed to say or do anything that might prevent it going tits up again. You're refusing to acknowledge that you not taking responsibility is contributing to him holding the reigns tightly. Has it ever occurred to you that holding the reigns so tightly is something he wants to do, I'm sure he wants to unclench but fear is driving his actions and he needs your input to allay them.

Exploding may not be the only result of this situation continuing, your H might come to the conclusion that he can't fully control a situation where you have part responsibility and he may need to prioritise his own MH.

Look, I'm no saint when it comes to cbeebies - we watch In the Night Garden every night. But come 6.50 when it ends, the telly goes off, and if they want to watch more telly after that they may as well be shouting into the wind for all it does them.

Well...it sounds like your DH has been through hell supporting you, and all this talk of being a 'free spirit' is just an excuse to avoid responsibility in my view. Every 'free spirit' I've known has some poor sod doing all the graft - otherwise it's chaos.

You have a drink problem - you need to own it. If you go out and agree 2 glasses of wine then you order two small glasses of wine and explain why if you need to. You control it - you don't 'share a bottle'. Cocktails can have an awful lot of booze in them and you are minimising how much you drank and how hard this must be on your OH.

Same with bedtime - you aren't in charge of what's happening as you are letting your DS wander down to watch more TV and leave you in peace.

Yikes.

OP you are taking a bit of a kicking and the trouble is some of the points are valid but because they are wrapped up in shameING ithe will be difficult to absorb

Firstly any step to making change deserves credit but I'm sure you will have been shown the cyule of change , maintenance is tough as he'll and it's long term , getting complacent is very dangerous and it sounds like it may have crept in a little

Listen to your language ....you are minimising and justifying if you're in therapy you will be well aware that that is not great , mind traps are very tricky

The other thing is your perspective is entirely on yourself , you pay lipservice to how your dh feels but the wording you use is repetitive and suggests it's a trotted out perspective you rehash that means you aren't sitting and genuinely being empathetic to how he may be feeling

You've made a change and it's great you recognise you are feeling a bit like the praise has started to go away , that's true it happens to anyone in recovery it's really tough the first period of time there's great positive reinforcement then it fadeserves as people get used to the new normality....for an addict that is the time to work harder

I used to remind clients and it was quite effectivery. ..when you were drinking noone expected anything from you it was the easy option , noone expected you to stick to boundaties because they knew you wouldn't, in sobriety life is boring and boundaries but oh so worth it .

You are trying and you have achieved a hell of a lot but you are most definitely slipping and you know damn well other addicts would spot it ten miles away.....you are making excusesure for self involved behaviour and that is a start of relapse

If you read my other posts you'll be aware I've been a very well trained professional in this sector so I promise I know what I'm talking about , I'm really not hammering you I think you are on here as a way of identifying how to deal with this....in the nicest possible way you are hiding behind faux self awareness.....real self awareness would be identifying what you are able to change....that's not your dh that's you....

You will have lied to him over and over when drinking and so now he's had to take the reins....you feel you've turned a corner but actions speak louder than words have you proved it yet? The damage done in addiction takes a long time to heal and people in early recovery often feel people should accept they have changed and move on , that's not how it works , you need to earn the trust back with actions

I really hope you hear this op good luck

Are his financial worries well founded?

Did you get into debt OP?

You have come along way. Dont ruin it now by burying your head in the sand.

How long have you been well?

Can i ask, and i could be wrong, are the poster that posted in Aibu a while back about drinking a bottle of wine in the park while the kids played?

I'm sorry but I do think you are minimising.

Even the homework. It's now just 10mins of reading every night.

But it's a reading book. From school. That comes home in his book bag and he has to do it every night. It's homework!

All right, it's homework. That we do before bed every night. And that I was planning to do last night, but dh got me to do it earlier than I'd planned.

Not sure how that's minimising but whatever.

Because "earlier than you planned" was 7.15pm!

Homework should not be his bedtime story!

You do make a lot of excuses.

It must have been very hurtful for him to see you drinking on saturday night. For many people in his situation any drinking at all would be a total dealbreaker. You really aren't in control of your drinking if you are sitting there in a restaurant working out in your head how much wine was in the glass and how much extra this means you can drink to 'make up' the deficit. Would trying to stop completely be an option for you? I don't think he sounds controlling at all, I think he sounds frightened and at the end of his tether.

I wonder if you've thought, once the money situation settles, of maybe learning to drive? It would take some of the pressure off yourDH with running your daughter around (just don't get him to teach you that's never a good idea! 😜)

Also I wonder if your DH has thought about maybe cutting back on one of his nights out? It seems like you and he don't get much time in the evenings if you're cosleeping and/or he's out at music or martial arts so it might help if you had even one evening a week where you ate after your kids and had an evening together to (and I hate that I sound like a bad self help manual here) nurture your relationship?

What I mean is that things have obviously changed since you were unwell and it might be an idea for the two of you just as you two to reconnect, rather than parents to children or him as your carer?

I think I'm just being petulant that I'm not getting enough cookies for how improved I am

It is probably exactly this ^^ but at least you recognise it for what it is. I get that a fair bit, my young lady throwing a strop because she isn't trusted and can't do x,y,z yet ending with 'but I haven't tried to hang myself for a whole week they should trust me now' shizzle.

Maybe you should acknowledge that to your bloke, I would love to hear that in my situation, it would show progress.

It's probably going to take a while OP. I agree coming off alcohol completely will be a huge step.

I don't think this thread will go well for you Op and I know full well I would have actually used this very thread as a reason to have a glass of wine tonight....I don't know enough about MH to comment on that but I recognise the alcohol situation...

I can sense you are getting angry and defensive and you probably think you've "explained" yourself badly.

Re the alcohol, you're not explaining your behaviour, you are excusing your behaviour. You are justifying, excusing and minimising and your DH won't be able to "loosen the reigns" until you are able to see this.

If you substitute "loosen the reigns" for "trust" perhaps you will see where your DH is coming from.

Can I ask you a question, you don't have to answer it here but maybe think about it - do you think you have hit rock bottom yet? You may be tempted to say yes, you have probably fucked your finances, your career, your health and damaged your relationships with your DH and DC.

But from what you have said here, you don't sound to me like you actually have hit rock bottom. You still have your DH and DC with you and yet you don't seem to realise how "lucky" you are in this - and how dangerous your situation still is (re drink I mean). You think you have improved (and I have no doubt you have) and I sense you are "moving away" from the worst of your issues, in your mind. I don't think your DH would feel the same, and if you don't understand this you may risk damaging your relationship beyond repair...and I'm sure you can see the ramifications of this.

I know though that there is no way any of us here can make you see this, you have to understand it for yourself and accept it.

Another question (again just for you, not for the thread as such) if your DH said he couldn't remain in your relationship until you are completely sober, what would you do? This may well happen. He is entitled to say this, he wouldn't be controlling or overbearing or unfair, he would be protecting himself and your DCs.

I would seriously ask yourself what you would do in this situation and perhaps see if this helps you to alter your behaviour and the way you view him.

I feel for you very very much as I know how hard it is and how hard you have tried. It's really unfair that how hard you have tried and everything you have done to date isn't enough, isn't it?

If this thread is upsetting I hope you step away from it but save it to read when you feel up to it. There is lots and lots of support on here for you but there will also be lots of support for your DH and it may help you to see so many people understanding, not his point of view as you may think of it, but how much he has suffered as well. You know this of course but unlike you he can't alter the situation himself, he is relying on you to alter the situation. He is trusting you a HUGE amount right now and I fear if you don't recognise this, you will damage your relationship further.

It is unfair and it's shit and it sucks - no harm in saying that at all! But think that from his point of view, he is actually really completely powerless himself to change this. This sucks even more for him. He is trusting you and hoping that you can change this enough for it to be liveable. He sounds like a good man in a difficult situation and you recognise this so hopefully you will repay his trust.

I would think about how you would handle it if he asked you to be 100% sober and take it from there. I hope this thread is useful and helpful.

Well dh has just phoned.

He apologised for being grumpy last night and said that was his issue not mine.

He also, unprompted, said he regrets trying to control my drinking over dinner. He was just conscious of my mum being prickly and didn't want her to have any ammo to chuck at me. He says I've made great strides and that actually of all the nights to let my hair down and not worry that one should have been it. I wasn't a screaming pisshead, it was an enjoyable (mum aside) relaxed evening out and he doesn't think I did anything wrong.

I am still determined to stop drinking though, it's actually much harder to try to moderate than it is to stop completely and it's a bit exhausting really.

Anyway, the upshot is that he had a huffy day on Sunday, neither of us have covered ourselves in glory this weekend and the future will be brighter.