Dh has started being really quite controlling.

[LookAtTheFlowersKerry]

This is all quite complicated and might be long, so apologies for that.

I had a breakdown a few years ago and was since diagnosed with bipolar. I basically fell off the planet for a while with regards to real life and things and DH was an absolute star, he took up my slack and did most of the housework and parenting while I couldn't, as well as becoming the sole earner.

My drinking reached alcoholic levels and I overspent A LOT so we ended up with a system whereby I have limited access to cash.

Anyway, I'm much more stable now. My drinking is under control and I'm now doing 100% of the housework. Dh now works very long hours, seven days a week (from home in the evenings and weekends).

But I've started to notice that he's micromanaging me. When we went out for dinner last night he made me agree to only have two glasses of wine. I actually had three and a cocktail (and had a great time) but he lectured me this morning. I'm starting to feel like a wayward child.

This evening he wanted to work so I was sorting bedtime for our youngest. I was upstairs watching tv and had told ds to come up at 7.30 (I would have gone down and reminded him). At a quarter past seven DH brought him up, with his book bag, and told me I had to read with him before bed (I would have done anyway!). We read and had a nice chat, and he asked if he could watch tv for a few minutes more, which I said was fine. I was going to get him at 8pm and bring him in to bed with me to settle (we co sleep usually). Again, at about ten to eight, Dh brought him up, he was huffy and ds was crying. I said I was just about to come and get him and DH said that he wanted him off the telly and in bed. Again, I felt like a naughty child who had broken the rules.

He has a tendency to be a bit chivvying with me on things like going out for a walk or playing a board game with the kids. And earlier I asked him for some help washing up after lunch as I'd already washed up from breakfast and the dishwasher was full, he said no because he'd been working all morning. Which is fair enough but not the sort of thing he would have refused to help with before. It discombobulated me a bit.

I just feel like the balance of power has shifted massively, if that makes sense. I totally understand why but it's making me quite sad and a little bit uncomfortable. I'm quite a free spirit and being told what to do doesn't sit easily with me.

I'm not sure how best to address it. Dh is lovely, and would take it very personally if I told him directly that he was stifling me. But if I don't have free reign to make my own decisions on timekeeping, parenting, what to do with my weekends, I think I'm going to crack.

OP, I have a drinking problem also, and have found that moderating just does not work. IME moderting always gets me back to where I started.

You are under alcohol treatment / therapy- maybe explore abstinence with them. Really, it is ever so much better, not least because it enables you to become present in your own life. And yes, certainly in my case it is much better for MH problems as well.

Does not have to be AA- there is something called SMART recovery that seems very good also.

Thing about alcohol- it is addictive and some of us get addicted. That is the nature of the beast. My mantra is; 'Addiction is not my fault. But Recovery IS my responsibility'.

All of that explanation is not someone who is coping. Not being able to enjoy yourself without alcohol is the exact problem. Not being well enough to parent your child to bed at night is also very much DH's issue too

kik makes a good point. You're in bed for the night by 7.30 ?

That's not a good sign.

I can imagine what the responses would be like if your husband posted his point of view. There would be a lot of 'LTB', I'll bet.

I kind of agree with your DH.

Kids ideally shouldn't be watching tv an hour before bedtime. If you can, spending that time colouring, doing jigsaws or lego is proven to help kids sleep better. From your DH's perspective it could look like you just parked your son in front of the tv so you could watch your own show in your bedroom.

Re drinking. I have a close relative who is an alcoholic - now in recovery. Although I love her and am amazed at how she is progressing through her recovery (she also has MH issues) I can never forget the trauma she put us through when she was drinking. It's left a lasting scar in the relationship dynamic.

I do still have a fucked up relationship with booze but I am working hard to address it and it's working

You don't have to have a relationship with booze. It's not food, it's not something you need to have a relationship with. It's something that's fucking up all the other aspects of your life. And you're clinging to it, and giving all sorts of excuse.

It's your choice, ultimately. Just bear in mind what you're losing for the sake for "a couple of glasses of wine".

Your husband has seen the woman he loves go through the worst of times. He has had to take sole responsibility for you and your kids. He was prob under a lot of stress so it's not unreasonable that he doesn't want to go back there again. You sound like you resent him but he has done a lot for the family. Maybe he just cares about you and doesn't want you to slide back into the situation you were in before?

I've been saying for a long time that you need to see less of your mother, op. You didn't have a happy childhood but you still spend so much time with your parents! I don't "get" it (to use the MN vernacular) at all.

But I can see this thread becoming a bit vicious (again, typically MN ) and you absolutely don't deserve that. You know perfectly well that you need to keep working on yourself and having dh on board for that will be a terrific help. He's a good guy, and if he is being a tiny bit controlling (maybe) then you can understand why. I think you need to be better for a lot longer before he feels he can let go a bit.

Your DH is working his balls off - he's working every hour god sends, from what you've described and rather than stepping up and doing the bedtime for your DS which would take the pressure off even a wee bit, you piss off up to bed and leave DS free roaming downstairs so you can watch tv in bed and you don't even get up and finish the job when your DH clearly signals he needs you to step up.

I'm sorry but I don't see any "vicious".

So it turns out your drinking was a crutch and rather than deal with the trigger of your increased alcohol use (difficult mothe) you decided to ignore it by getting tipsy. The agreement was two glasses, not three smaller glasses and a cocktail, yes you are making excuses and moving the goalposts in order to justify your actions. Do you really think this type of behaviour is new to your H? He's seen it all before and the excuses and the justifications are what probably triggers his need to control situations where he has none.

You've gone from having bedtime under control (you being a free spirit and all) to taking the path of least resistance by giving in because your exhausted. Which is it? Either you've got the situation under control bedtime, difficult interaction with your mother etc or, you're letting the situations control you. If you don't want to be treated like naughty child, you need to first stop acting like one.

Your marriage has gone through an enormous upheaval and being well doesn't cancel that out. Be part of the solution and not the problem and that means acknowledging and accepting responsibility for your behaviour.

Thanks Bibbity. I do see a lot less of my mother now but this was unavoidable.

I'm going to therapy today and I'll talk through all this.

Dh is absolutely brilliant and I don't resent him at all but I am self aware enough to know that if he doesn't loosen the reigns a bit and let me deal with stuff my own way a bit more I'll implode and it won't be pretty.

I am all for supporting OP also. I think some honest words may help you, they don't have to be harsh.

Look at the deeper feelings around this - I think what is clear is that you and DH have different ideas about your recovery. You feel so much better that it may be that you find it hard to acknowledge the areas you still need to work on (drinking) whereas DH has an external view of you and also the anxiety and concern. Please don't resent him for not supporting your wellness, I think it's easy to feel irritated when people point out there is still a long way to go and a lot of work to do

Bedtime- I was exhausted so did it my way instead of DH's preferred way, that's all. End result was the same.

Also OP, pick your battles with DH over regaining some freedom - alcohol and parenting routines are the ones that are difficult for most couples. You can look to regain freedom and your free spirit in many other directions

But it must be confusing for your DS to have two different ways of bedtime - and he's bound to have picked up on the conflict beteeen your preferred methods last night. It would be better not to have different ways of bed and be consistent.

Anyway, this thread has been very helpful in seeing that I am being quite unfair. I do still have a long way to go. I think I'm just being petulant that I'm not getting enough cookies for how improved I am.

I do see a lot less of my mother now but this was unavoidable.

if he doesn't loosen the reigns a bit and let me deal with stuff my own way a bit more I'll implode and it won't be pretty

You don't have to see your mother at all if you don't want to.

You don't have to implode. That sounds like a threat.

You do sound petulant, to be honest. And desperate to drink.

That's good that your going to see your therapist today.

But do make sure you tell the therapist the whole picture, which is you think your H is being controlling, but also tell them you are drinking inorder to cope with your mum, in bed at 7.30 "feeling exhausted" and your H isn't around much as he is working very long hours as you need the money.

I hope your session is good today

That's it I think, you want to be praised for the progress you have made - and you should be. There are clearly some choices you make that aren't ideal for DH, and this highlights to work that is still there to do.

lookattheflowerskerry I think you should stop blaming yourself immediately! It takes two to make a relationship work and he isn't pulling his weight. What do you call alcoholic levels? I used to drink a lot, between 4 and 6 pints of cider a night. I now rarely have any, I just got fed up of it! You have to be in the right place to do that. He is clearly thinking that now you're better he can leave everything to you again and he not bother. I don't think you're making excuses for your drinking, the amount you had was not excessive in any way and you were eating too. I do think you are making excuses for him and you need to ask him to spend some time with you and not work constantly. He is being selfish.

I agree with distance call to an extent.

You don't HAVE t see your mother. And it does sound a bit like you're going to use this DH is so controlling as an excuse to drink. If you don't loosen the reigns I'm going to implode ... what does that even mean, exactly? It sounds like an ultimatum to me. Sorry. Do it my way or else

What might be useful is to look at (and I'm not asking you to answer) is

How long were you unwell for (drinking, spending, bipolar etc)

Referenced to

How long you have been in recovery for.

I bet the first is tons longer than the second.

Oh god no it's not an ultimatum. I'm just basing it off what's happened before. I lose the plot when I don't feel in control.

Angie, I was drinking two bottles of wine most nights. I only drink at weekends now, which is huge progress. I'm getting to a point now where I'm ready to kick it completely.

True, Anne.