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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Caught DH in a lie...

146 replies

NoMoreMarbles · 12/03/2017 19:51

Ok... background first... DH and I have been married for 10 years and together for 13, 1 11yo DD...DH has a history of lying to "get out of trouble"

OP posts:

Report

P1nkP0ppy · 14/03/2017 13:32

Send it op.
He's a devious, lying, grubby cheat.

xStefx · 14/03/2017 13:37

send it when he is home, take his fone so they cant "agree on a story"

ohfourfoxache · 14/03/2017 13:42

If you feel the need to send it then send it. No talking down from me - you need to do what is best for you now.

Chloe84 · 14/03/2017 13:53

I would definitely make him move out for two weeks at least.

DrScholl · 14/03/2017 14:07

It's him you need to deal with

Bloggybollocks · 14/03/2017 14:20

How can you even make decision about the future when you have no idea what has gone on between the two of them?
You haven't read any messages, your husband won't tell you what's happened, except to say it hasn't got physical, so what has happened? Sexting? Going out after work? Nude pics? What?
You can't take his word for anything, he's a known, proven liar. Who happily accepts your apology when all the time he knew what he was up to behind your back, he's manipulative, deceitful, abusuve etc and you're really questioning whether it's 'right' to contact the OW?! Pull your bloody socks up woman and show some gumption!
Use your anger to claw back some self respect.

TipTop333 · 14/03/2017 14:21

I agree, send it.
I also agree with the PP who suggested you call her bluff by saying you know they slept together. Maybe say you just want to know how long the relationship has been sexual.
Good luck OP

JellyBean31 · 14/03/2017 14:25

I was in a similar situation OP, I contacted OW I had no problem with her at all but like you, just wanted to know if what he was telling me was the truth. She wouldn't tell me anything but then her situation was different (married with kids) so she probably didn't trust I wouldn't use that information against her.

I made sure everyone in our acquaintance (including his family) knew but in the end, after about 6 weeks of being separated but under the same roof, I decided to give him another chance. It was the first time it had happened (that I was aware of) initially he was contrite, apologetic, ready to do anything I needed him to; but that wore off after a few months. The fact that I'd told everyone and stayed with him anyway did make me feel like I'd made my bed and was a bit stuck with him.

We've split up now anyway lots of reasons but him continuing to minimise what he did and not really accepting responsibility for his actions certainly contributed to how I felt when I decided I'd had enough.

BeMorePanda · 14/03/2017 14:29

I wouldn't send it mainly because I could not bear the agony/anticipation of waiting for a reply, which might never come. And if it does come you have no idea what it might be.

OW will probably go straight to him with it and they could conspire against you.

So I wouldn't - not because I'd be on any moral high ground, but because it won't achieve anything I would need to achieve.

Pallisers · 14/03/2017 14:34

How can you even make decision about the future when you have no idea what has gone on between the two of them?

But equally how can you make decisions about the future when your husband refuses to give you the information you need and you are reduced to asking the OW for the truth.

Send the text if you want to but in the end of the day, will it make a difference if you know whether it has become a physical relationship yet or not?

I am so sorry you are dealing with this - it must be so hard to figure out what to do and how to do it. But if I were you I would look squarely at the fact that your husband was at the very least hoping to be physically unfaithful and was in fact emotionally unfaithful and lied to you. Can you live with that?

BoobleMcB · 14/03/2017 14:56

So have you checked his phone OP? If not I definitely would, though he's probably deleted most of the evidence now (though possibly not all, you might have to search).

Also, you have nothing to lose by sending that message to OW. If you need space, send him away. He can stay at a friends or his parents. Even a night gives you some time and space. Tell DD he is sleeping out, don't have to give her details

Silentplikebath · 14/03/2017 14:58

I wouldn't bother with the email because the floozie will ask him how to reply. Much better to insist on seeing all the messages between them and start packing up his stuff.

Tell him to leave for a week and tell your DD that her father had to go away for work. The sats aren't for quite a while (May?) so DD won't be affected. It will be good for your h to feel what being a separated dad is like.

Whatever you decide, go and get legal advice so that you can start planning your future without him even if you decide to remain married to the scumbag.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2017 14:59

She is very unlikely to give you an honest answer OP.

Catrina1234 · 14/03/2017 15:07

Can I ask what was the cause of the rage today OP - I don't think it's a good idea to send the text.Revenge is a dish best served cold! I have been in your position and rages came over me without any triggers. Even now - almost 12 months on I can get angry just remembering what he wrote to her. I saw most of the e mails and the phone accounts, so knew how long the calls were. He deleted some of the e mails. I'm glad in a way as I know enough to just recall a particular sentence from an e mail and get angry. About 2 months after I found out I sent her a long letter, and found it quite cathartic. I enjoyed telling her that M wasn't who she thought he was - she had seen a persona - I told her about his real personality, in detail.

I know exactly what you mean about being with him in the same room as usual but feeling apart from him (I think that's what you meant). I definitely think he should move out for a week or so, to give you space. Mind my partner went to stay with friends (with my agreement) and we argued on the phone several times a day so it didn't do much good. To be honest I don't know what does do any good - time I think. Even if you decide to separate the hurt won't go away. Incidentally I think others are right, it doesn't sound like you have all the info yet and you need that........take care.

wrongnumberEE · 14/03/2017 15:23

I think you should send it.

BeMorePanda · 14/03/2017 15:25

OP here is The Script just in case you've not seen it yet - he is behaving true to form:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

PickledCauliflower · 14/03/2017 15:59

I think the problem with contacting her, will be her reply. She will probably either not reply, or minimise everything (they are likely to have agreed on a story by now).

Its totally natural to feel rage.

If you do decide to contact her, I would sit on it for a bit.
I would focus on how he is going to mend things for now (even if you decide it's too late and you ask him to leave).
I would be expecting him to bend over backwards, anything to help improve this dreadful situation that he had created.

Has he deleted the messages? I imagine he has but he should have let you see them.
Has he taken the lock off his phone? Is it glued to him?

I hope you are eating and have been able to get some sleep x

NoMoreMarbles · 14/03/2017 16:47

I sent it but no reply yet...

catrina I cried at my desk in front of everyone today and again halfway through the morning and eventually decided to come home. I stepped through the door and it was like a red mist descended... how DARE he do this to us I changed my mind and packed a bag for him and called him to come home from work... he downed tools and came straight home. After a lot of yelling (me) crying (both) and grovelling (him) I managed to get a bit more out of him- it started earlier than he was originally admitting... I'm set (again for now) for taking it day by day and I've made it clear that this is by no means the end of the discussion and only 100% honesty will be accepted from now on and I don't know if I will change my mind again but it's up to him to make the changes and we will see how it goes...

OP posts:

BoobleMcB · 14/03/2017 17:15

Oh OP 😔

It's clear that you are not getting 100% honesty from him though. Nor are you likely to. Especially as (as he will see it) you keep backing down.

BeMorePanda · 14/03/2017 17:19

*DH has a history of lying to "get out of trouble"

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2017 17:32

"I've made it clear that this is by no means the end of the discussion and only 100% honesty will be accepted from now on"
OP, you are not going to get 100% honesty. He is going to hide as much as he can for as long as he can. You must know that?

Stormtreader · 14/03/2017 17:34

his words and saying he's scared of upsetting me so he lies to spare my feelings

Hes not that scared of hurting your feelings if hes merrily shagging around, is he? What hes been scared of is you finding out.

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Paperdoll16 · 15/03/2017 14:24

How are you, OP?

Have you had a reply from the OW? I contacted the OW with a similar diplomatic message to you but I probably gave more of a sob story (I didn't care what she thought of me) and it worked. She apologised profusely and answered all of my questions, if anything almost going against DH!! Of course, I don't believe she was as innocent as she made out but I accepted it entirely as I wanted to know more! It was a painful experience but at least I know the extent of it.

I hope things are okay with you. I remember those first days of crying uncontrollably including in front of DD's teacher as I had forgotten her disco money for the third day in a row as I was so consumed in all of this. I just said I was having hard time with work as I didn't want playground gossip of this!! I was even more mad with him for putting me through this.

ohfourfoxache · 15/03/2017 16:21

Oh fuck Marbles

You need to do what's best for you. Seriously. If you want to change your mind on ANYTHING, you can.

Hope you're as OK as you can be

Voice0fReason · 15/03/2017 18:11

his words and saying he's scared of upsetting me so he lies to spare my feelings
He's lying to protect himself, not you.
If he cared about you, he wouldn't behave like that in the first place.

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