Caught DH in a lie...

[NoMoreMarbles]

Ok... background first... DH and I have been married for 10 years and together for 13, 1 11yo DD...DH has a history of lying to "get out of trouble"

Of course he's lying. I'm staggered you think that's the problem.

Who's that you're texting?
Oh it's the woman at work I'm fucking.
Oh, that's nice dear.

It's not the lying

Imo everyone deserves one chance, we can all do stupid, unforgivable things, BUT this isn't his second chance. He already blew that chance.
If it were me this would be it.

How can he love you?

Bloody hell he was texting another woman whilst you were sitting next to him.

How desperate is he to be in touch with her?

Oh dear, OP, he is a serial cheater and you need to get rid. Chalk this one up as a starter marriage I hate that term but hey and get on with the rest of your life with your head held high. Arrange regular access for your child and his father, and treasure the thought that your next man will be one who cherishes you and you will have happy life.

he is disgusting.... you must have the patience of a Saint lady ... you deserve so much better

He's crying because her wants a second chance?

He already had a second chance when he cheated and lied to you 7/8 years ago.

Nobody deserves a third chance.

OP if you forgive him, he WILL do it again. He doesn't care about his family at all.

*he

And it makes me so angry that anyone can be sending flirty texts whilst his WIFE is sat next to him. Then lies when his wife sees what he's doing.

Why would you want to spend your life with someone who treats you like this?

He cheats on you, lies to you and try's to make out it's all in your head.

How many chances are you going to give him because I can guarantee he will continue to cheat on you and probably has done more than the twice.

Is your relationship worth allowing him to cheat on you and destroy your self esteem?

If you want to get over this and carry on then marriage counselling and some personal counselling for him would be non negotiable but I personally could never get over it and it would've LTB from me.

Oh, OP - I kind of get why you're focusing on the lying. I did that for a very long time. Concentrating on the lying aspect made me feel I could avoid reality. It seemed easier to feel angry about his dishonesty than it did to accept the fact he'd slept with someone else. Dunno why, just a coping mechanism I guess.

He'll do it again. Walk away.

It's not the lying - had he been completely honest with you, it wouldn't have been any better.
He doesn't care about you enough to stop.
Why would you want to stay with someone who texts another woman whilst sitting next to you?

Why would you want to stay with someone who texts another woman whilst sitting next to you?

^

So even when he's at an event with you, he can't resist texting his OW?

It's no surprise that cheaters lie about cheating. That's par for the course. You're saying you've caught him in a lie as your thread title, but the issue is that he's cheating. I'm also not sure why you believe it's not a PA yet, because his word really means nothing.

How many more chances is he expecting you to give him? This is the second time that you can prove. He likes the high of having an OW and I can't see a good ending, unless he does some serious self reflection. I'd be insistent on him having counselling and I'd be making a lot of demands if he didn't want a divorce.

Have you actually seen his phone? And deleted texts can be recovered.

For me the trust would be gone and I'd have to end it instead of continuously playing detective in my marriage.

Either that, or I'd say he can pursue the OW and I'll pursue my own relationship, while we separate, but the marriage is over and done. What's the point in a husband you can't trust.

He was so high with the affair, the he couldn't resist and was probably telling her he was with his wife at a boring party (missing her) and wished he was with her, but he couldn't be. I hear that kind of stuff from OW frequently.

One even texted his OW from the hospital, while his wife was in labour.

What are you going to do? Because he thinks unless he has sex it's not an affair.

Thanks for the replies

I'm absolutely gutted at the minute...I know I'm stupid if I stay and I am definitely trying to deflect the cheating aspect and focusing on the lying...

It really isn't as easy as LTB in any case... however it pans out DD is affected massively and we have a mortgage, a big family holiday coming up, same as many others I guess... yesterday I thought things were going so well... we have recently started TTC again (we're TTC for 7 years and stopped trying after my 9th MC) everything seemed to be falling back into place... I was really happy... now it's all gone to shit

People who lie and deceive, rarely change. He's quite happy to lie to you and hurt you, expect to be forgiven, then do the same things all over again. Don't spend too many more years waiting for him to change and be the person you want him to be. You're worth more than that.

I'm so sorry you've experienced 9 miscarriages. That must be beyond distressing.

It's never an easy decision to just leave a marriage, but I wonder what message he receives in his head, when you forgive him.

He's sorry that he was caught and that he might loose you, not that he did it in the first place.

While he's in the begging stage, I suggest you direct him to a helpful place called the Www.survivinginfidelity.com

He can post the situation, without people hurling insults at him and he can get support from other wayward and betrayed spouses, but he has to start by recognising this is a betrayaland he needs to believe that you are not prepared to tolerate this.

Consequences are very powerful. What consequences did he face after his last affair?

If the answer is none, then that's probably why you're here now. If he faced any, then they clearly weren't enough to deter him.

He'll be going LC (low contact) with her till it all blows over.

Think very carefully if you really want to have another child with him. It will only tie you together for longer.

Can you ask him to move out for a couple of weeks to give you space to think. He needs to feel that you could leave the even though you won't be doing so.

Once again, I'm sorry about all your miscarriages, it must take such a toll on you mentally, emotionally and physically.

I KNEW something was amiss but true to form, he lied and lied until I proved what I thought was happening

He only admits with irrefutable evidence.

he insisted nothing was going on and I was being paranoid

Mmmmm

He insisted that it's not moved to a physical relationship

See a pattern when he insists one thing and it turns out to be another?

and never would but how can I trust anything he says?

You can't. He's a proven cheat and liar. It would be foolish to believe him.

He's basically cried all day and begged for a second chance

You mean a third chance?

and keeps telling me he loves me...

What's his definition of love?

Would he believe you loved him, if you were doing what he's doing?

He doesn't want a divorce. He wants the best of both worlds.. A wife and an OW and I'm sure if you knew what he'd been telling the OW about you and your marriage, you might feel differently.

It's best to know what you're forgiving.

You can't trust this "man"

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being lied to? This tosser is never going to change

So sorry - OP this has happened to me too and the fact that it never got to anything physical didn't make matters any better. As someone said an emotional affair is as bad as a physical one. Once I started to think something wasn't right I started asking questions and DP started lying and I believed him. Then I saw the e mails and demanded to see his smart phone account and found out he was phoning her several times a week.

This was last summer and there followed a horrendous time when I scream and shouted at him and he tried to defend the indefensible. He phoned her to say it was over and he wasn't going to have anything more to do with her (I wasn't there when he made the phone call) He was actually 100 miles away as he'd gone to stay with his brother and SIL to put some space between us and I know he was there and not with her.

My DP begged too and was mortified that I could leave. We have been together over 40 years so it wasn't something that I could treat lightly. I also have a medical condition which would make living on y own very difficult.

What I did do was get him to tell me everything how did it start, why did he get so besotted with her, why did he risk our relationship etc etc. He hated telling me and of course I never knew if he was telling the truth.....................we're still together and mostly things are on an even keel though I'll never trust him again and he knows that.

I know everyone is telling you to leave him, but that is your decision and it's always the same - the posters pile in, almost demanding that you leave because he's a cheat and a liar. Yes he is, and so was my DP and he could do it again. I think if I was younger and had good health I would call it a day but that's not the case for me.

Maybe tell him to leave for a couple of weeks to give you space to think about what you want to do. Oh and it wasn't the first time for my DH (nor the second.............) oh god I'll have them all piling in telling me I should have left him. Please don't do that, this is the OP's thread.

PM me if you like OP

It really isn't as easy as LTB in any case... however it pans out DD is affected massively and we have a mortgage, a big family holiday coming up, same as many others I guess...

A bit of MN terminology I picked up is 'exit plan'. Start making your exit plan. You don't have to barrel out of the door within the hour, you can take your time and make sure things will be as painless as possible for you and your dd when and if you decide you want to make that move.

This is who he is, there isnt a parallel universe where he's different. He doesn't lie to protect you, he lies because he doesn't want his shady behaviour challenged and his tears and promises are just an extension of that. Stop waiting for him to be different, lying and shady behaviour is part of his character and the price of staying in a relationship with this man, is the permanent knot of suspicion.

So now you know what your dealing with, you have to decide what you are going to do about it. There are no defaults here; staying, turning a blind eye, hoping he goes against type and letting suspicion drive you crazy are all active choices. The obstacles that you site making LTB difficult aren't insurmountable, no one climbs a mountain in one go, they plan.

Maybe you can accept his behaviour but if it transpires that you can't, you can change your mind at any time. You have power, deciding not to exercise it isn't the same as not having it.

I think it's quite cruel to tell you your paranoid when your not, and you were right in the first place. My friend got the other woman's number and rang her. The woman nearly died. She was married too. But she got more truth out of her than she did him. She threw him out for awhile and he had a whale of a time. He behaved like a single man again. It's your decision what you do. I would definitely consider marriage counciling. I'm not sure I would want another baby when he behaves the way he does. I hope you sort this out op. I wish you the best x

Also I agree with ISETAN. Well said.